Dear Lost Soldier,
You are not alone. You are not the only one who has that sensation bubbling inside of you. There are others who understand what you're going through, others who can listen to your pain and feel where you are coming from. You poor Lost Solider in this tiresome landscape of morality and ethics. You don't have to feel alone as there are kindred spirits here to aide you. To guide you. Let out what stirs inside of you and do not give in to that darkness. It may have been resting inside of you for a long time now, it may have just started creeping into your daily routine, but you do not have to resign yourself to its desires.
I am like you. I know that fascination for the touch of a knife's edge. That morbid curiosity of flaying away parts of your skin or summoning your crimson mettle. I have experienced the strange longing to become one with oncoming traffic or ushering your body over that ever so beautiful balcony.
I know how hard it is to deal with the lust for meaningless death. I know the impossibility of finding a place to be comfortable with yourself while you list greivance after greivance with your own nature. Thoughts you cannot change, stagnent thoughts that Self perpetuate without logic or benefit.
I know the fears that come with such an off disposition. The questions of ethical tribulations and the lack of answers accompanying them. To pursue a life or not? To pursue relationships or not? To endanger the emotional lives of others by allowing them that sacred proximity to you?
I cannot tell you that it gets better, I cannot tell that it gets worse. I cannot tell you that living a life like this is worth anything...
but I can promise you that you are not alone. We are two entities, maligned by some cruel psychological injustice that prohibits prolonged desires for life. Every day you walk the line between suicide and existence and I walk there beside you.
Though you may lose your strength one day, I will fight for you.
Life is what you make of it, and always remember that you will never be alone again.