All those Saturdays when kids go out and play
Yo, I was up in my room I let the stereo blaze
Wasn't faded, not jaded, just a kid
With a pad and pen and a big imagination
SALIVA - "CLICK CLICK BOOM"
When I first heard this song, I took it totally the wrong way. I heard the song and thought that this was about some kid, like me, who stayed in their room while everyone else was out there in the world, and wrote about guns and blood, gore and horror, killing off people from school and the world - click, click, boom.
I was thinking: "Hey, those Columbine kids had the right idea."
I wrote these stories for years, graduating from school, into college (killing off students and professors alike), and then beyond, into adulthood (killing off people from work, etc.)
Then I got medicated. That dark part of me, the part that liked the blood and guts and gore and horror was locked away screaming, into a deep and dank part of my mind while I thought of flowers and unicorns and plain vanilla sex.
I thought I was cured. The darkness was gone.
It never is.
A friend and I decided to RP. I RP males, and this guy that I RP'd was a mafia enforcer. I thought I could play that fine, but then there was violence, pure and unadulterated violence, killing for no sake but the sake of seeing dead bodies, and - because my enforcer is a telekinetic - blowing people's eyes out from the inside.
That darkness, that shadow, came out that night, and I was scared.
"That was fun, wasn't it?" my friend said, while I sat there shivering in the dark, trying to keep all those dark shadows at bay. I took extra sleeping pills and went to bed.
And since then, I've looked at things through a mirror darkly. Even something innocuous as seeing my kid wield a hammer put fear into me. Do you have any idea how sharp the hammer claws can be, pulling someone's eyes out? Or how you can tear through flesh with them?
Give me a few days, and some more meds.