Let the begining words not fool you this will not be a walk in the park but to be fair to those who have read me so far i will light the mood enough to listen(nice pun), to Beyonce in " Listen",i did try to warn you in advance. I am in hew of how to aproach so dificult subject but i guess one has to start at the begining.
I can remenber the exact date it started the abuse. That is, the mental anguish that cames with being fisicly beaten and talk down to and later on must more than this...No i dont remenber the exact date i started to die inside, i remenber that in a country surronded by such sunny days my life was covered in shadows and i was always feeling cold, i said before i had my hidden spots if you have been paying attention one of them is the theatre, this one i am going to talk to you is not a fisical place it is my imagination, where i looked for shelter in the worst days, every day to be honest .
I never told my father of what happen in that house he was mostly out working over 12 hours a day to pay for a family of 8, he was never awere so i guess i do have some acting skills or he was not paying close attention either way he never knew and to be blunt i am glad i dont think i would bare to see in his eyes the hurt of every humiliation i had been submited to, family is not something you can have a saying in, i never spoke against them i simply dont agknowledge them today , for me that is enough. I once said something that may explain this weird relanshionship that i have with those who "raised " me, if at any time for circumstances of fate or life any of my relatives need a match by blood or any organ from me i would most likely attend as long as no contact was made between me and them , no words no face to face for me they are all dead , since the first day the abuse start to the day i told my mother about what their precious sons had done and she looked at me with contempt in her green eyes and spoke those famous words" I dont believe you", i cant say i did not expect that , i did, what suprised me was that my sisters were present and they had been submited to the same and they did not speek , not one word, not to say i was lying or to say that i was speeking the truth, no they remained silence and with that they sealed what is to me the kind of connection they requested of me.
As i got told later by my sister (the middle one - i have 3), "just forget they cant hurt you any more ,let go" . I thought long and hard about that , and in some ways she is rigth no good cames out of getting old feuds cleared and expained appart from the fact that they would be prosecuted, destroy lifes, our family what little there is of it would not recovere from this blow, so i did what i do best i left alone and i said to my mother not my sister this, my last words to her" One day when you die you will be told the truth not by me i will not be there, but by your God, and it will pain you so much, i hope you take all of your possessions with you because the only thing i want from you is this: Nothing, for me you are dead , you no longer have me as a daughter disregard my name you are not fit to pronouce it , disregard my sons they are not yours to be called upon , and know this i dont lie" as i left her house and in her palm the keys to my fathers house i saw something in those eyes that once i look up to, i saw .... What if ?
I dont have any contact with any of the people who raise me, that is the way i want,do i feel bad about it ? No . Do i hate my mother? No. I love my mother , i simple wish she at one point tought to herself i know my daughther, she grew under my heart, she does not lie, but wishing is for those who have hope in happy endings.
Me i am not hopeful, i deal in reality.