[Harry and Ron are chatting. Hermione is hovering in the background]
Ron:And then I was all like but you’re a spider and then the spider was all like…
Harry:As much as I enjoy hearing about your dream, Ron, (s) my mind is elsewhere.
Ron:(puts hand on Harry’s shoulder consolingly) It’s the Firebolt, isn’t it?
Harry:Yes. (s) If it wasn’t for that chubby fugly girl we would be soaring the skies together.
Harry:(s) No one is allowed to utter the skank’s name.
Ron:Oh. (pause) What’s an animagus?
[McGonagall walks in carrying the Firebolt]
McGonagall:Here you go, Potter.
[McGonagall hands Harry the broom]
Harry:But is it (s) safe?
McGonagall:(shrugs) Beats me. Good luck with Sirius Brown.
Harry:(falls to the floor and starts sobbing, clutching the broom) This is the best moment of my life, only marred by that lump of lard in the corner.
[Hermione runs out, crying and clutching Crookshanks]
Ron:(s) Maybe we should forgive Hermione.
Harry:(stands up and shouts) I TOLD YOU NEVER TO SPEAK THAT NAME IN MY PRESENCE.
[Harry hits Ron over the head with a chair. Ron falls to the floor, unconscious]
Harry:What do I do now? (s) I’m going to fly my Firebolt!
[Harry rushes out. Ron moans faintly. Dramatic music.]
[Crabbe is pushing a wheelchair-bound Draco around. Goyle is walking along side]
Crabbe:And this is the tree where we (s) first met.
Goyle:(s) What is it?
Draco:I have (s) something to say. I want to thank you.
Crabbe:(tearing up) Really?
Draco:(s) Yes. Without you guys, I would have never overcome my shopping addiction.
[Awkward pause. Goyle shifts his weight and Crabbe stares at his feet.]
Draco:Good. Vincent, pass me that apple.
Crabbe:(hesitates) Draco, don’t you think you’ve had enough?
Draco:(s and icily) What?
Goyle:You’ve already had (s) five today, and it’s barely nine o’clock.
Draco:(s) I’ll let you know when I’ve had enough.
[Draco stands up shakily]
Crabbe:No, Draco! (s) You might hurt yourself!
Draco:(s) More than my hurt dignity?
[Draco stalks off. Crabbe looks like he might start crying. Goyle shakes his head.]
[Ron is coming to in the Gryffindor common room. Harry is staring at his Firebolt.]
Ron:What… what (s) happened?
Harry:(s to Ron) Do not interrupt my vigil! (continues to stare at the Firebolt)
Ron:(looks around) Where’s Scabbers?
Harry:(whispers) Such a thing of beauty.
Ron:(s and shouts) WHERE’S SCABBERS?
Harry:(still whispering) I want to make love to it.
[Hermione walks in, carrying Crookshanks]
Ron:(s and points to Hermione, shouting still) YOU HEARTLESS WENCH! YOU AND THAT FOUL DEMON OF AN ANIMAL PLOTTED AGAINST MY NOBLE RAT IN ORDER TO REACH THE TOP OF THE PET HEIRACHY!
Hermione:(s) What are you talking about?
Ron:You know I know that you know.
Hermione:(hisses) How dare you accuse my cat of such a hideous crime.
Ron:(s) Your cat’s fat.
Hermione:(shocked and looks hurt) Take that back!
Hermione:Fine. (s) I take my friendship back!
[Hermione stalks out, clutching Crookshanks. Ron looks angry.]
Harry:I shall write you a song, (s) Firebolt.
[Draco is staring moodily out the window. Crabbe and Goyle approach]
Crabbe:(s) Draco? Are you… feeling better?
Goyle:We’ve got something to (s) cheer you up.
Draco:I don’t care.
Goyle:It involves (s) Potter.
Draco:(spins around) Oh?
Crabbe:You know how Potter faints every time he sees a (s) Dementor?
Goyle:What if we (leans in to whisper into Draco’s ear and his words become inaudible)
Draco:(s) Brilliant. But how are we going to get the dresses?
Crabbe:I’ve got them.
[Draco and Goyle turn to face Crabbe and stare at him]
Crabbe:What? They’re flattering.
[Harry struts onto the Quidditch match, Firebolt in hand. The rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch team stare at him in awe]
George:Wowza! That’s some broom!
Fred:I bet it’ll take you to the moon!
Harry:(s) Why thank you.
[Wood claps his hands, and the team walks to the centre of the pitch where Ravenclaw are standing.]
Hooch:(bored) Shake hands.
[They shake hands. Harry shakes hand with a girl dressed quite provocatively.]
Harry:(whispers to the twins) Who is (s)that?
George:Last name Chang, first name Cho.
Fred:She’s a bit of a hoe.
[Hooch blows the whistle. The teams start “flying” around.]
Harry:I feel so (s) happy. Maybe it’s because of the disappearance of the ugly one.
[The Snitch comes into view]
[Harry chases after the Snitch. He is joined by Cho]
Cho:Oh no, my bra!
Harry:(spins around) What?
[Cho zooms past Harry, who is still looking confused.]
Wood:(shouting) HARRY! THIS IS NO TIME TO BE A GENTLEMAN!
Harry:(s) Two can play at this game. (zooms up next to Cho) Oh no, my bra!
Cho:(s around) WHAT?
[Harry zooms past Cho, who is sitting still on her broom in confusion]
Harry:(s) The Snitch is right there. (reaches out to grab it)
[Draco and the gang pop out of nowhere, dressed up as goffs]
Draco:(reading a script) Oh my God it iz Vamp-vamp pyre.
Goyle:Let us mack oot. No wait, I mean out.
Crabbe:Yeah, wampire, I wood lave two- Christ, who wrote this?
[Flames shoot out of Harry’s wand]
Draco:(s) Shite! People are flaming us!
[Draco and the gang fall to the ground, on fire]
Harry:(catches Snitch) YES!
George:WE’LL WIN THE CUP!
Fred:(points to Draco and the gang) FILCH! CLEAN THIS UP!
[Draco and the gang are sitting in McGonagall’s office. McGonagall bursts in, obviously drunk]
McGonagall:BOYSH! What are you (points at them) doin’ here, shillies?
Draco:We are here to be (s) punished.
McGonagall:Right (hiccups) Right. Well, (sways) go, go clean up that puke that’sh myshetrioushly ended up outshide my offishe.
Crabbe:(s) But, miss…
McGonagall:(points at door) NOW!
[Draco and the gang troop out. McGonagall passes out]
[Harry is in his bed, curled up next to his Firebolt]
Harry:(singing) Far above, enthroned in glory…
[Ron screams off screen]
Harry:(sits up suddenly and rips open the curtains)What is it (s) Ron?
Ron:(s) Sirius Black! He ripped my curtains!
Harry:(s) You poor thing.
[Harry goes to console Ron, who is now weeping uncontrollably. Dramatic music]
END OF EPISODE SEVEN