[Draco is staring moodily out onto a snow swept landscape. Crabbe and Goyle approach]
Crabbe: Draco, are you going to be (s) okay?
Draco:I think I’ll be (s) fine.
Goyle:(s) But how are you going to manage your… affliction without us?
Draco:Mother’s taking me to a special clinic in (s) Canada.
[Harry and the gang are sitting around the fire in the Gryffindor common room]
Ron:Wow, (s) presents!
Hermione:(picks up a large book) My parents love me so much!
Ron:(picks up food) So do mine!
Harry:(stands up and s) My parents are dead.
[Hedwig “flies” in, carrying a broom shaped package]
Ron:(s) I wonder what it is!
Harry:I hope it’s a (s) puppy.
[Harry opens up the package and the Firebolt is there]
Hermione:(s) Who se-
Harry:(s) I was having a conversation with RON, Hermione. You’re so (s) selfish.
Ron:(s) Who sent it?
Harry:(s) I… I don’t know.
Hermione:(s) Wait. (Picks up paper) Here’s a note.
Harry:(leaps up and rushes to Hermione) What does it say?
Hermione:It says… swivel.
[Crabbe and Goyle are sitting together at a table, each wearing Christmas sweaters. They are holding hands.]
Goyle:Do you think he’ll be (s) alright?
Crabbe:(stares intently into Goyle’s eyes and then turns away) I can’t promise anything.
Goyle:(stands up) That’s it.
Goyle:I can’t (s) stand not knowing how he is or how well he’s doing.
Crabbe:(s) You’re not saying…
Goyle:(s and pause) I am.
Crabbe:(clutches Goyle’s sweater) But we promised!
Goyle:I can’t promise (s) anything.
Crabbe:(falls to floor and sobs) NO!
Goyle:Yes! (s) I’m writing him a strongly worded letter!
[Harry and Ron are playing Exploding Snap]
Ron:Harry, there’s (s) something I need to talk to you about.
Harry:(Pauses) I think I know what this is about.
[Hermione bursts in with McGonagall]
Harry and Ron:(simultaneously) OH. MY. MERLIN. HERMIONE!
Hermione:(withering look) Where is it, Harry?
Hermione:You know very well what I’m talking about, (s) Potter.
[Cue intense five minutes of no dialogue and dramatic music where the camera just flicks between different characters expressions; Hermione’s sternness, Harry’s defiance, Ron’s confusion and McGonagall’s boredom]
[Harry pulls out the Firebolt from under his shirt and gives it to Hermione, who gives it to McGonagall]
McGonagall:Right, it seems okay to me, but the other teachers and I better check it.
Hermione:To check for malicious jinxes, (s) right?
[McGonagall runs away, clutching the broomstick and whooping]
Harry:(rises out of his chair and coldly) Explain yourself.
Hermione:I think someone sent that broom to you to hurt you.
Ron:(s) But who could ever want to hurt Harry?
[Everyone turns to Ron, frowns at him and then continues]
Hermione:(s) Sirius Black.
Harry:I don’t know who that is, (s) but you are banished from my sights!
[Even more dramatic music]
[Draco is writing a letter whilst wearing a dressing gown. It reads:]
Draco (voiceover):Dearest friends,
While I am deeply touched by your letter, I must inform you that I am doing fine.
Since I am in Canada, there are no credit cards, so I cannot go on a shopping spree. Neither is there internet, as when they previously tried to put it up the moose kept on eating it. My shopaholic-ism, I expect will be over soon, so tell everyone you meet that they shan’t weep themselves to sleep any longer; Draco is returning. I wish you both a very Merry Christmas.
PS It’s apple season here! Best of luck!
[Harry is outside Lupins office. He is about to knock but pauses]
Harry:(s) Is what I am about to do wrong? If I am destined to faint, who am I to say no? I must consult-
[Lupin opens the door]
Lupin:Oh, hello Harry. What are you doing here?
Harry:Your giving me lessons on how to protect myself against (s)them.
Lupin:… Okay. I think I have a boggart in here. Still has trouble coming out after what Neville did to it.
Harry:(angry s to Lupin) Neville is more of a man than you’ll ever be.
Lupin:(murmurs) Certainly hope so.
Harry:What was that?
Lupin:Nothing! Let’s go inside! (Ushers Harry in)
[McGonagall, Flitwick and Sprout are all racing around Hogwarts on brooms. McGonagall is riding the Firebolt. Snape walks out]
Snape:You are disturbing my meditation, Minerva.
McGonagall:And you disturbed my broomstick flying. Get ‘em boys!
[Flitwick and Sprout chase Snape away. When they return, McGonagall hands them each a cocktail]
Flitwick:How did you do that?
McGonagall:The real question is; what can I not do? With the new Firebolt™ by my side, the answer is nothing. (Flashes winning smile at camera)
[Theme music: “Buy this broom and your dreams will zoom”]
[Harry is unconscious on the floor. Lupin is eating something.]
Harry:(waking up) Ugh. Not again. (s) Can I have some?
Lupin:Sure man, it’ll loosen you up.
Harry:Thanks. What type of (s) chocolate is this?
Harry:(finishing eating) Okay, I’m ready.
Lupin: You know, Harry, you remind me so much of your father.
Harry:(s) You knew him?
Lupin:(smiling) Yeah, I sure did.
Harry:(shrugs) Whatever. (s) RELEASE THE DEMON!
[Lupin opens trunk]
Dementor:(remains inside box) izz dat u nevaile?
Lupin:Don’t worry; he can’t reach you in here.
[Dementor gets out of the box]
Dementor:oh mi g iod harry oar shaull I sae vampirf dis is u raven
Harry:(pointing wand at Dementor) Expecto Patronum!
Dementor:so I woke uo iin mii blink one hundead (GEDDIT?) ate too shirt an d putt on dis lyk read n torn satan gown and then I lyk cut myself cedricc iz hagird
Harry:(crying) It’s too powerful! I… I…
Dementor:(turns to Lupin) oh mhy mer l infs what a pedoa where is did ther egihoeog
Lupin:Back in the box.Incendio.
Dementor:noo sttoppp falmin mei
[Crabbe and Goyle are reading Draco’s letter.]
Goyle:(s) You know what this means.
Crabbe:(solemn nod) I know.
END OF EPISODE SIX