Episode ThreeMature

Woeful Wizards Prisoner of Azkaban Episode Three

Scene 1:

[The Gryffindors are in the DADA classroom. Lupin is at the front, smiling. It is tense]

Hermione: (puts hand up) Sir, what are we doing today?

Lupin: Actually we’re in the staffroom today.

Scene 2:

[The Gryffindors are in the staffroom with Lupin. Peeves is in front of the wardrobe containing the boggart, trying to stick a piece of chewing gum in.]

Lupin: (Pause) What are you doing, Peeves?

Peeves: I empathise with the sad creature. He knows no light, and nor do I. So, I thought I’d give him chewing gum.

[Everyone laughs]

Lupin: Ah, Peeves! How cheeky!Waddiwasi!

[The chewing gum is shoots up Peeves’ nose. He runs out sobbing]

Dean: Good one (s) Professor.

Lupin: Cheers.

Ron: So, is the thing that’s in the wardrobe as (s) hilarious as Peeves?

Lupin: ‘Fraid not. It’s actually a boggart.

Hermione: (s) I was going to say that.

Lupin: NEVILLE! Put out that cigarette!

[Neville does so, reluctantly]

Lupin: Since you obviously weren’t paying attention, Neville, you can go first.

[Neville steps up and stands in front of the wardrobe. He looks moody.]

Lupin: Right, the spell is “Riddikulus”. (points wand to wardrobe)Alohamora!

[Wardrobe door opens. Nothing happens.]

Draco: (s) This class is ridiculous.

Crabbe: So is his outfit.

[Draco and Goyle turn to stare at Crabbe. Crabbe is oblivious]

Ron: Poor (s) Neville. Nothing’s happening.

Hermione: Obviously (s) the boggart cannot chose between his many fears.

Seamus: Aye, but what if (s) he’s not afraid of anything.

Dean: Or (s) everything’s afraid of him.


[Harry pushes Neville out of the way. Enoby (i.e. a Dementor) steps out of the wardrobe]

Enoby: fangz alott vamprei it wazz lyk 4 prepz in ther wer is draco he lux lyk joel

Lupin: Oh. Whoops.

[Lupin leaps in between Harry and Enoby. Enoby changes into a sign that says “REMUS IS A WEREWOLF”]


[Sign now says: “REMUS IS A HUMAN”. Everyone laughs. The boggart goes back into the wardrobe]

Ron:Remus! (s) What a funny name!

Lupin:Right, since no one actually performed the spell, I’m giving you all homework.

[Everyone groans]

Seamus:But (s) sir!

Lupin:Fine. No homework. Now go away.

[Everyone cheers and heads out.]

Harry:(s) I wonder who Remus is.

Ron:(s) I wonder what an animagus is.

Scene 3:

[Draco and the gang plus Pansy are reclining under an oak. Draco is wearing a bandage around his head]

Pansy:(s) Does it hurt much, Draco darling?

Draco:(s) … no. I mean, the wizarding world does have pretty powerful painkillers.

Pansy:You poor thing. (touches shoulder) Let me comfort you.

Crabbe:(sharply) He’s got all the comfort he wants, thank you very much.

Goyle:(s to Crabbe) What?


Goyle:(suspiciously) What about me?

[Dramatic music]

Scene 4:

[Harry and the gang are in Transfiguration.]

Ron:(s to Harry) There is a Hogsmeade trip next weekend.

Harry:(s to Ron) Oh dear! My uncle has not signed my permission form!

Hermione:Well, you can’t go anyway. (s) Sirius Black is on the loose.

Harry:(s) Who?

Hermione:Only the (s) mass murderer. Gee, Harry, didn’t you know he was after you, to kill you?

Harry:Oh. I just thought that was fanmail.

Ron:(s) But you have to come, Harry! It shall be a great injustice if you do not!

Harry:You do put forward a very convincing argument, Ron. (s) I’ll talk to McGonagall now.

[Harry walks up to McGonagall]

Harry:Miss, can I go to Hogsmeade?


[Harry returns to Ron and Hermione]


Harry:(s) I tried, Ron. (s) I truly, truly tried.

[Tears well up in Harry’s eyes. Defeat music is played.]

Scene 5:

[Crabbe and Goyle are in the bathrooms, going at it. They are arguing]

Crabbe:(s) What did you mean, back then?

Goyle:What I meant (s), Vincent, was what if I need some comfort? What then?

Crabbe:You don’t need me to babysit you, (s) Gregory.

Goyle:(s) What if I like being babysat?

Crabbe:(s) What if you shut your Pumpkin Pasty hole?

[Dramatic music]

Scene 6:

[Harry is at his window, looking angstily down at all the students going to Hogsmeade]

Harry:(s) So much angst! I must find a teacher with whom I can confer these feelings with. (s) The internet just won’t do for today.

[Harry goes into Lupin’s office]

Harry:Sir, (s) we need to talk.

Lupin:Okay. But first, what’s in the corner of the room?

Harry:A grindylow?

Lupin:Right. You better remember that. Write it on your hand.

[Harry does so]

Harry:I’m so full of (s) angst, sir.

Lupin:Uh-huh. Is this about the boggart?

Harry:… sure.

Lupin:Do you know, this means that the only thing you fear is fear itself.

Harry:And goffs.

Lupin:Yeah, but those things are scary to everyone.

Harry:How do you (s) protect yourself against Dementors?

Lupin:Actually, I am a teacher, so I could-

[Snape walks in, carrying a goblet]

Snape:That should be enough. Now quit whining about it.

[Snape leaves.]

Harry:Professor (s) don’t drink that! I have reasonable evidence to believe that it is actually poison or possibly full of date rape drugs.

[Lupin downs the whole thing]

Lupin:I like a risk.


Lupin:Oh yeah, right. I’ll help you defend yourself against Dementors. Just a little later, yeah?

[Dramatic music]

Scene 7:

[Draco and the Slytherin Quidditch team are having a meeting]

Draco:We won’t play the next game against Gryffindor. I’m (s) injured.

[Everyone nods]

Flint:Plus, it’ll be (s) rainy.

[Dramatic music]

Scene 8:

[Harry and the gang are walking towards the Gryffindor common room]

Harry:You know?

Ron:(s) Totally.

Hermione:(s and point) What’s going on up ahead?

[There is a crowd of students outside the Fat Lady’s portrait. She isn’t there]

Percy:The Fat Lady, she’s gone!

Harry:Oh, is that all?

Parvati:The Fat Lady, she’s (s) gone!

Harry:(s) NO!

[Dumbledore sashays in]

Dumbledore:(puts hands on hips and looks around moodily) Someone please tell me where (s) the lump of lard is.

Fat Lady:(blocked by student and crying) I’m here!

[Student moves out of the way and Fat Lady is revealed to be in the portrait right next to the first one.]

Dumbledore:(s) Who did this (waves hands around) to you, chubby?

Fat Lady:(through tears and s) Sirius (s) Black!

[Everyone gasps and looks worried]

Harry:Oh, him again.

[Fred and George run up to Harry]

Fred:Oliver Wood has just told us.

George:It is Hufflepuff we are to versus.

Harry:(s) What? Why?

Fred:Flint’s saying because of Draco’s injury.

George:But we know it’s since it’s rainy.

Harry:(falls to knees and tears his shirt off) NO! (starts to sob uncontrollably)

[Dramatic music.]


The End

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