Woeful Wizards Prisoner of Azkaban Episode Three
[The Gryffindors are in the DADA classroom. Lupin is at the front, smiling. It is tense]
Hermione: (puts hand up) Sir, what are we doing today?
Lupin: Actually we’re in the staffroom today.
[The Gryffindors are in the staffroom with Lupin. Peeves is in front of the wardrobe containing the boggart, trying to stick a piece of chewing gum in.]
Lupin: (Pause) What are you doing, Peeves?
Peeves: I empathise with the sad creature. He knows no light, and nor do I. So, I thought I’d give him chewing gum.
Lupin: Ah, Peeves! How cheeky!Waddiwasi!
[The chewing gum is shoots up Peeves’ nose. He runs out sobbing]
Dean: Good one (s) Professor.
Ron: So, is the thing that’s in the wardrobe as (s) hilarious as Peeves?
Lupin: ‘Fraid not. It’s actually a boggart.
Hermione: (s) I was going to say that.
Lupin: NEVILLE! Put out that cigarette!
[Neville does so, reluctantly]
Lupin: Since you obviously weren’t paying attention, Neville, you can go first.
[Neville steps up and stands in front of the wardrobe. He looks moody.]
Lupin: Right, the spell is “Riddikulus”. (points wand to wardrobe)Alohamora!
[Wardrobe door opens. Nothing happens.]
Draco: (s) This class is ridiculous.
Crabbe: So is his outfit.
[Draco and Goyle turn to stare at Crabbe. Crabbe is oblivious]
Ron: Poor (s) Neville. Nothing’s happening.
Hermione: Obviously (s) the boggart cannot chose between his many fears.
Seamus: Aye, but what if (s) he’s not afraid of anything.
Dean: Or (s) everything’s afraid of him.
Harry: (s) DON’T WORRY, NEVILLE, I WILL DEFEND YOUR HONOUR.
[Harry pushes Neville out of the way. Enoby (i.e. a Dementor) steps out of the wardrobe]
Enoby: fangz alott vamprei it wazz lyk 4 prepz in ther wer is draco he lux lyk joel
Lupin: Oh. Whoops.
[Lupin leaps in between Harry and Enoby. Enoby changes into a sign that says “REMUS IS A WEREWOLF”]
[Sign now says: “REMUS IS A HUMAN”. Everyone laughs. The boggart goes back into the wardrobe]
Ron:Remus! (s) What a funny name!
Lupin:Right, since no one actually performed the spell, I’m giving you all homework.
Seamus:But (s) sir!
Lupin:Fine. No homework. Now go away.
[Everyone cheers and heads out.]
Harry:(s) I wonder who Remus is.
Ron:(s) I wonder what an animagus is.
[Draco and the gang plus Pansy are reclining under an oak. Draco is wearing a bandage around his head]
Pansy:(s) Does it hurt much, Draco darling?
Draco:(s) … no. I mean, the wizarding world does have pretty powerful painkillers.
Pansy:You poor thing. (touches shoulder) Let me comfort you.
Crabbe:(sharply) He’s got all the comfort he wants, thank you very much.
Goyle:(s to Crabbe) What?
Goyle:(suspiciously) What about me?
[Harry and the gang are in Transfiguration.]
Ron:(s to Harry) There is a Hogsmeade trip next weekend.
Harry:(s to Ron) Oh dear! My uncle has not signed my permission form!
Hermione:Well, you can’t go anyway. (s) Sirius Black is on the loose.
Hermione:Only the (s) mass murderer. Gee, Harry, didn’t you know he was after you, to kill you?
Harry:Oh. I just thought that was fanmail.
Ron:(s) But you have to come, Harry! It shall be a great injustice if you do not!
Harry:You do put forward a very convincing argument, Ron. (s) I’ll talk to McGonagall now.
[Harry walks up to McGonagall]
Harry:Miss, can I go to Hogsmeade?
[Harry returns to Ron and Hermione]
Harry:(s) I tried, Ron. (s) I truly, truly tried.
[Tears well up in Harry’s eyes. Defeat music is played.]
[Crabbe and Goyle are in the bathrooms, going at it. They are arguing]
Crabbe:(s) What did you mean, back then?
Goyle:What I meant (s), Vincent, was what if I need some comfort? What then?
Crabbe:You don’t need me to babysit you, (s) Gregory.
Goyle:(s) What if I like being babysat?
Crabbe:(s) What if you shut your Pumpkin Pasty hole?
[Harry is at his window, looking angstily down at all the students going to Hogsmeade]
Harry:(s) So much angst! I must find a teacher with whom I can confer these feelings with. (s) The internet just won’t do for today.
[Harry goes into Lupin’s office]
Harry:Sir, (s) we need to talk.
Lupin:Okay. But first, what’s in the corner of the room?
Lupin:Right. You better remember that. Write it on your hand.
[Harry does so]
Harry:I’m so full of (s) angst, sir.
Lupin:Uh-huh. Is this about the boggart?
Lupin:Do you know, this means that the only thing you fear is fear itself.
Lupin:Yeah, but those things are scary to everyone.
Harry:How do you (s) protect yourself against Dementors?
Lupin:Actually, I am a teacher, so I could-
[Snape walks in, carrying a goblet]
Snape:That should be enough. Now quit whining about it.
Harry:Professor (s) don’t drink that! I have reasonable evidence to believe that it is actually poison or possibly full of date rape drugs.
[Lupin downs the whole thing]
Lupin:I like a risk.
Lupin:Oh yeah, right. I’ll help you defend yourself against Dementors. Just a little later, yeah?
[Draco and the Slytherin Quidditch team are having a meeting]
Draco:We won’t play the next game against Gryffindor. I’m (s) injured.
Flint:Plus, it’ll be (s) rainy.
[Harry and the gang are walking towards the Gryffindor common room]
Hermione:(s and point) What’s going on up ahead?
[There is a crowd of students outside the Fat Lady’s portrait. She isn’t there]
Percy:The Fat Lady, she’s gone!
Harry:Oh, is that all?
Parvati:The Fat Lady, she’s (s) gone!
[Dumbledore sashays in]
Dumbledore:(puts hands on hips and looks around moodily) Someone please tell me where (s) the lump of lard is.
Fat Lady:(blocked by student and crying) I’m here!
[Student moves out of the way and Fat Lady is revealed to be in the portrait right next to the first one.]
Dumbledore:(s) Who did this (waves hands around) to you, chubby?
Fat Lady:(through tears and s) Sirius (s) Black!
[Everyone gasps and looks worried]
Harry:Oh, him again.
[Fred and George run up to Harry]
Fred:Oliver Wood has just told us.
George:It is Hufflepuff we are to versus.
Harry:(s) What? Why?
Fred:Flint’s saying because of Draco’s injury.
George:But we know it’s since it’s rainy.
Harry:(falls to knees and tears his shirt off) NO! (starts to sob uncontrollably)
END OF EPISODE THREE