[Harry and Ron plus all Gryffindors, excluding Hermione, are in the Divination room]
Harry:I wonder what our new teacher is like.
[Hermione appears out of nowhere]
Hermione:[Putting away Time Turner] Huh, I think this Time Turner is a little off.
Ron:(s to Harry) Did Hermione just-
Harry:(s) Hush Ron. Teacher is coming.
[Trelawney shuffles into class]
Trelawney:[without infliction] Morning.
Hermione: [looks shocked] Well that was melodramatic.
Trelawney: [still in monotone] Everyone get a teacup.
[All students get teacups]
Harry: (whispering to gang) She likes the theatrics, doesn’t she?
Trelawney: Just read the textbook, okay?
[Trelawney falls asleep in her chair]
Ron: (s to Harry) Did she just predict your death, Harry?
Harry: (stares into middle distance) I think so, Ron. I think so.
[Draco and the gang are walking towards the Forbidden Forest]
Goyle: So, Draco?
Goyle: Who’s going to be our singer?
Draco: (s)… I don’t know.
Crabbe: But we need a singer bec-
Draco: (turns around sharply and yells) I SAID I DON’T KNOW.
[Draco storms off. Crabbe and Goyle look at each other, stunned]
[Outside Hagrid’s Hut. The Slytherins and Gryffindors are waiting. Hagrid comes out of the Forbidden Forest, leading Buckbeak]
Hagrid:Salutations, dear friends!
Draco:(in high pitched voice) Salutations!
[Goyle and Crabbe giggle. Harry glares at Draco.]
Hagrid:Before we start, does anyone know what an animagus is? No? Harry, you better find out soon.
[Harry looks confused]
Hagrid:Now, who knows what this noble creature is? (points to Buckbeak)
[Everyone looks at Hermione]
Ron:What’s the answer Hermione?
Hermione:(angry s at Ron) How the bleeding hell should I know? (starts to cry)
Hagrid:Congratulations, Hermione. That shall earn the Gryffindor household five points.
[Hermione stops crying and looks pleased with herself. Neville shrugs]
Hagrid:This good fellow’s name is Buckbeak. Now, the Hippogriffs are a very proud race. If you dare offend them in the slightest, you will die. So, Harry, go and pet him.
Hagrid:I dare say, Harry, that you shall succeed in this endeavour.
Harry:Okay… (s) But only to defend Neville’s honour.
[Everyone looks shocked. Neville shrugs and continues smoking. Hagrid nods solemnly]
Hagrid: As always, sire. Now, to appease a Hippogriff you must-
Hagrid:(puzzled) Good heavens, no. How old fashioned. No, you must soothe a Hippogriff with the gentle thrum of a lullaby.
Harry:So, I have to (s) sing?
Hagrid:Or you could-
Harry:Fine. (s) For Neville.
[Harry starts to sing:]
“Hey there Buckbeak
Your coat looks sleek
Your wings seem large
I bet they could hold up a barge.
You look real nice
That’s all I wanted to say”
Goyle:(whispering to Draco) He has the voice of an angel!
Crabbe:(whispering as well) And the lyrics of a bard!
[Buckbeak nods. All Gryffindors cheer, except for Neville who continues to smoke. All Slytherins scowl. Hagrid wipes tears away with his ascot]
[In the Hogwarts staffroom. Snape, Lupin, McGonagall and Sprout are all having afternoon tea.]
Sprout:More tea, Snape?
Snape:I’m allergic, you ins-
[Wardrobe rattles in a mysterious way]
Lupin:Is that a boggart?
Lupin:Oh. (Pause) Mind if I use it?
[They all take a sip of tea, except for Snape, who is drinking Diet Coke™]
[Harry has just come back from riding Buckbeak. He is surrounded by Gryffindors.]
Dean:On ya, Harry!
Ron:(s) What a truly unforgettable experience, Harry.
Hermione:I believed in you, (s) Harry!
Harry:(s) And I couldn’t have done it without your belief, Ro- I mean Herm- wait, what?
[Harry falls off Buckbeak. Draco and the gang rock up]
Draco:Bet I can ride Buckbeak better than you, (s) Potter.
Ron:(s) Prove it, Milkweed.
Draco:Ahem (starts to sing) “Oh Amazing Grace-“
[Buckbeak attacks Draco. Draco falls over, bleeding. Crabbe and Goyle rush to his aid]
Harry:You’re such a (s) baby, Malfoy.
Crabbe:(through tears and s) He’s bleeding from the head!
Hermione:Yeah! (s) Just because you have a thing against half-humans.
Ron:Stop putting it on, (s) Mudfruit.
Goyle:He’s (s) unconscious.
[Hagrid picks up Malfoy]
Hagrid:TO THE INFIRMARY!
[Hagrid rushes off, with Crabbe and Goyle in tow. There is a moment of silence]
Hermione:Well, let’s go to Defence Against the Dark Arts.
[Everyone shrugs and moves on.]
[Draco is lying, asleep in bed. There is a bandage on his head. Crabbe and Goyle are holding a hand a piece]
Crabbe:Do you think he’ll (s) live, Goyle?
Crabbe:Oh, okay then.
[Mr and Mrs Malfoy walk in]
Mr Malfoy:Oh, my baby!
[Mr Malfoy runs to Draco’s bed, sobbing]
Mr Malfoy:Who did this to you precious, who?
[Mr Malfoy picks up Draco’s head and brings Draco’s mouth closer to his ear]
Draco:(hoarsely) Buck… beak.
Mr Malfoy:(drops Draco’s head and stands up sharply) That’s it. I shall not rest until this Buckbeak is gone forever from Hogwarts and from this life!
[Dramatic music. Mr Malfoy storms out.]
Mrs Malfoy:Hi boys. How are you?
[Crabbe and Goyle look confused]
Mrs Malfoy:Oh, is Draco not feeling very well?
[Mr Malfoy comes back in, takes Mrs Malfoy by the hand and leads her away]
[Harry and the gang are outside the DADA classroom, with the rest of the Gryffindors]
Harry:I wonder if Draco is going to be okay…
Hermione:(s) Of course he’s going to be okay. It was only a scratch. (s) Right?
Ron:Man, I’m hungry.
[Harry and Hermione stare at Ron.]
Ron:(s) I wonder what Lupin will be like.
Hermione:I bet he’ll be (s) interesting.
Harry:Dunno, I think he’ll be kinda boring.
Hermione:(s) What do you mean, Harry?
Harry:Well, every teacher we have is either really mundane, really dramatic or Hagrid.
Ron:Yeah, but that’s (s and stare into middle distance as well) life.
Harry and Hermione:(both s and stare into the middle distance as well) Life.
[The door to the defence against the DADA classroom mysteriously opens]
Lupin:(offscreen) Come in.
[The Gryffindors go in. Dramatic music.]
END OF EPISODE TWO