Things happen and stuff. But in a dramatic way.
[Ron is sitting alone at a desk. There is a single light in the dim room, and it shines upon his emotionally traumatized face]
Ron:(writing a letter and voiceover) Dear Harry…
[Ron looks up, swivels, and then continues writing]
Ron:(still writing] As each day passes I yearn to see your bespectacled face of wisdom and advice again. Egypt is, swivel, glitter-tastic. However, my rat Scabbers, is feeling unwell. And by utter coincidence, a mass murderer is on the loose and I am worried for your safety. Although I am assured that my love for you will be a bright light to guide you once again into my open arms, I cannot help but replay the events of yesteryear in my mind. I know something as dangerous as fighting a basilisk shall never happen again, but still, I wonder.
Yours, forever and for the rest of eternity,
[Ron pauses, scratches his head and writes:]
Ron:P.S. Do you know what an animagus is?
[Draco and the gang are sitting around a table, chatting.]
Draco:I think we should make a (s) pact.
Crabbe:Yeah. Shall we take off our shirts?
Goyle:I have a better idea.
[Draco and Crabbe both swivel to Goyle and promptly stare at him for an uncomfortable few seconds]
Draco:(testily) What, exactly?
Goyle:(s) Let’s start a (s) band.
[The Dursleys are having tea.]
Mr Dursley:Pass us the milk.
Mrs Dursley:Of course dear.
[Harry bursts into the scene, swivels, and then sits down at the table with a big sigh]
Harry:(s) I cannot bear it any longer!
Harry:(s and pauses) … nothing.
Mr Dursley:Right, then.
[Harry takes out his “HOGSMEADE PERMISSION FORM” and lays it on the table, then proceeds to stare at it]
Mr Dursley:What’s that?
Harry:(s and pauses)… nothing.
Mr Dursley:Okay. (Picks up paper and begins to read and speaks from behind it) By the way, Aunt Marge is coming.
Harry:(standing up and s) What? No! I won’t!
Mrs Dursley:Won’t what?
Mr Dursley:So, everyone be nice, yeah?
Harry:Not unless you sign (flourish) this. (Picks up permission form and waves in Dursley’s face)
Mr Dursley:(waves paper away) Later, later.
Harry:(s) Fine, I shall partake in your treaty. But, beware; I’ll only be nice (s) if she is.
[Harry storms off]
Mr Dursley:Ah, the news is on.
[Draco and Crabbe are still staring, open mouthed at Goyle]
Goyle:Well, I’ve become a very good violinist over the summer and Crabbe (s to aforementioned) you truly are beginning to learn the bass guitar.
[Crabbe looks adoringly at Goyle]
Goyle:(s to Draco) And Draco, I think you’ll make a great trianglist.
Draco:(smugly) I’ve already learnt the triangle. I’ve been playing for five years.
Goyle:And we already have a band name.
Draco and Crabbe:(s) What?
Goyle:(stares out into middle distance) the Golden Trio.
[At Privet Drive. Harry is sitting, sulking, at the dining room table with the Dursley’s and Aunt Marge]
Marge:What school do you go to again, Harry?
[Harry glares at her, and then swivels away to glare at his potatoes]
Mr Dursley:St Brutus’s.
Marge:Ah. (Pause) And what does your father do, Harry?
[Harry glares at the ceiling, and then swivels to glare at his roast.]
Mr Dursley:He’s dead, Marge.
Marge:Ah. (Pause) And your mother’s dead as well, Harry?
Harry:(stands up, gets out his wand and shouting) THAT’S IT. I CAN STAND YOU ACCUSING ME OF GOING TO A SCHOOL FOR THE INCURABLY CRIMINAL. I CAN STAND YOU ACCUSING MY FATHER OF BEING AN UNEMPLOYED LAY-A-BOUT BUT I CANNOT, AND WILLNOT, STAND FOR YOU CALLING MY MOTHER A BITCH. (points wand at Marge)RELATIVUS ENLARGUS!
Mrs Dursley:Oh my! You’re enormous!
Harry:Goodbye, cruel world!
[Harry runs out the door, only stopping to collect his conveniently placed trunk and Hedwig]
[Draco and the gang are still sitting around a table]
Draco:(s) Let’s do it. Crabbe?
[Goyle and Draco stare at Crabbe. Crabbe appears to be thinking.]
Crabbe:Okay. (Pause) But we should play shirtless.
[Harry is sitting on the curb]
Harry:It’s not (s) fair. I’m Harry Potter and (stands up and shouting) I AM A WIZARD AND IT IS NOT (s) FAIR!
Neighbour:(offscreen) WILL YOU BE QUIET?!
Harry:Whoops. (Sits back down)
[Out of nowhere, a dog appears]
Harry:(s to dog) Oh my Merlin! A dog! Is it an (s) omen?
[Enter Knight Van. Dog runs away]
Harry:(tries to s, but falls over) Argh, my back!
Stan:(steps out of Knight Van) My name is Stan Shunpike. I shall now assist you into the Knight Van.
Stan:Listen, kid, just get in the van. We have hot chocolate.
Harry:(shrugs) Just take me to the Leaky Cauldron.
[In train compartment with Ron, Hermione and Lupin. Hermione is reading, Ron is staring at Hermione and Lupin is sleeping]
Ron:You have really pretty eyes, Hermione.
Hermione:(looks up) What?
[Harry walks in, in his robes, swivels, and sits down]
Harry:You never guess who I just…
[Lights go out and only blackness can be seen]
Hermione:What was that?
Ron:Harry, hold me.
Harry:You’ve pinned my arms down.
[Suddenly, a light is shone on a Dementor’s face. The Dementor is dressed as a “goff”]
Ron:(s) I feel nauseous.
Hermione:Ah, (s) my soul!
Dementor:wat did u just sae b’loody mary smith
Harry:I think I’m gonna…
Dementor:hey vampire look I no u wanna fuk mi but i m wif draco k we had sex is that stupid
Harry:Oh Merlin, I’m gonna…
Hermione:(s) What are you going to do, Harry?
Ron:No! (falls to knees) NO!
[Lupin gets up}
[Patronus leaps up and starts to heard the Dementor away]
Dementor:oh satan a prep and poser stop flaming me
[Dementor exits. Harry gets up]
Harry:(s) Who are you?
Lupin:A were- I mean, the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.
[Harry and Hermione look astounded. Ron is eating. Lupin starts to bite his nails. Dramatic music]
END OF EPISODE ONE