Scene 1:

[Ron is sitting alone at a desk. There is a single light in the dim room, and it shines upon his emotionally traumatized face]

Ron:(writing a letter and voiceover) Dear Harry…

[Ron looks up, swivels, and then continues writing]

Ron:(still writing] As each day passes I yearn to see your bespectacled face of wisdom and advice again. Egypt is, swivel, glitter-tastic. However, my rat Scabbers, is feeling unwell. And by utter coincidence, a mass murderer is on the loose and I am worried for your safety. Although I am assured that my love for you will be a bright light to guide you once again into my open arms, I cannot help but replay the events of yesteryear in my mind. I know something as dangerous as fighting a basilisk shall never happen again, but still, I wonder.

Yours, forever and for the rest of eternity,

RON

[Ron pauses, scratches his head and writes:]

Ron:P.S. Do you know what an animagus is?

Scene 2:

[Draco and the gang are sitting around a table, chatting.]

Draco:I think we should make a (s) pact.

Crabbe:Yeah. Shall we take off our shirts?

Goyle:I have a better idea.

[Draco and Crabbe both swivel to Goyle and promptly stare at him for an uncomfortable few seconds]

Draco:(testily) What, exactly?

Goyle:(s) Let’s start a (s) band.

[Dramatic music]

Scene 3:

[The Dursleys are having tea.]

Mr Dursley:Pass us the milk.

Mrs Dursley:Of course dear.

[Harry bursts into the scene, swivels, and then sits down at the table with a big sigh]

Harry:(s) I cannot bear it any longer!

Mr Dursley:What?

Harry:(s and pauses) … nothing.

Mr Dursley:Right, then.

[Harry takes out his “HOGSMEADE PERMISSION FORM” and lays it on the table, then proceeds to stare at it]

Mr Dursley:What’s that?

Harry:(s and pauses)… nothing.

Mr Dursley:Okay. (Picks up paper and begins to read and speaks from behind it) By the way, Aunt Marge is coming.

Harry:(standing up and s) What? No! I won’t!

Mrs Dursley:Won’t what?

Harry:(s) Always.

Mr Dursley:So, everyone be nice, yeah?

Harry:(s) NO!

Mr Dursley:Eh?

Harry:Not unless you sign (flourish) this. (Picks up permission form and waves in Dursley’s face)

Mr Dursley:(waves paper away) Later, later.

Harry:(s) Fine, I shall partake in your treaty. But, beware; I’ll only be nice (s) if she is.

[Harry storms off]

Mr Dursley:Ah, the news is on.

Scene 4:

[Draco and Crabbe are still staring, open mouthed at Goyle]

Draco:(s) What?

Goyle:Well, I’ve become a very good violinist over the summer and Crabbe (s to aforementioned) you truly are beginning to learn the bass guitar.

[Crabbe looks adoringly at Goyle]

Goyle:(s to Draco) And Draco, I think you’ll make a great trianglist.

Draco:(smugly) I’ve already learnt the triangle. I’ve been playing for five years.

Goyle:And we already have a band name.

Draco and Crabbe:(s) What?

Goyle:(stares out into middle distance) the Golden Trio.

[Happy music]

Scene 5:

[At Privet Drive. Harry is sitting, sulking, at the dining room table with the Dursley’s and Aunt Marge]

Marge:What school do you go to again, Harry?

[Harry glares at her, and then swivels away to glare at his potatoes]

Mr Dursley:St Brutus’s.

Marge:Ah. (Pause) And what does your father do, Harry?

[Harry glares at the ceiling, and then swivels to glare at his roast.]

Mr Dursley:He’s dead, Marge.

Marge:Ah. (Pause) And your mother’s dead as well, Harry?

Harry:(stands up, gets out his wand and shouting) THAT’S IT. I CAN STAND YOU ACCUSING ME OF GOING TO A SCHOOL FOR THE INCURABLY CRIMINAL. I CAN STAND YOU ACCUSING MY FATHER OF BEING AN UNEMPLOYED LAY-A-BOUT BUT I CANNOT, AND WILLNOT, STAND FOR YOU CALLING MY MOTHER A $#&&&. (points wand at Marge)RELATIVUS ENLARGUS!

[Nothing happens]

Mrs Dursley:Oh my! You’re enormous!

Mr Dursley:Eww…

Harry:Goodbye, cruel world!

[Harry runs out the door, only stopping to collect his conveniently placed trunk and Hedwig]

Scene 6:

[Draco and the gang are still sitting around a table]

Goyle:Well?

Draco:(s) Let’s do it. Crabbe?

[Goyle and Draco stare at Crabbe. Crabbe appears to be thinking.]

Crabbe:Okay. (Pause) But we should play shirtless.

Scene 7:

[Harry is sitting on the curb]

Harry:It’s not (s) fair. I’m Harry Potter and (stands up and shouting) I AM A WIZARD AND IT IS NOT (s) FAIR!

Neighbour:(offscreen) WILL YOU BE QUIET?!

Harry:Whoops. (Sits back down)

[Out of nowhere, a dog appears]

Harry:(s to dog) Oh my Merlin! A dog! Is it an (s) omen?

[Enter Knight Van. Dog runs away]

Harry:(tries to s, but falls over) Argh, my back!

Stan:(steps out of Knight Van) My name is Stan Shunpike. I shall now assist you into the Knight Van.

Harry:(blinks) What?

Stan:Listen, kid, just get in the van. We have hot chocolate.

Harry:(shrugs) Just take me to the Leaky Cauldron.

[Dramatic music]

Scene 8

[In train compartment with Ron, Hermione and Lupin. Hermione is reading, Ron is staring at Hermione and Lupin is sleeping]

Ron:You have really pretty eyes, Hermione.

Hermione:(looks up) What?

Ron:(s)… nothing.

[Harry walks in, in his robes, swivels, and sits down]

Harry:You never guess who I just…

[Lights go out and only blackness can be seen]

Hermione:What was that?

Ron:Harry, hold me.

Harry:I can’t.

Ron:Why?

Harry:You’ve pinned my arms down.

[Suddenly, a light is shone on a Dementor’s face. The Dementor is dressed as a “goff”]

Ron:(s) I feel nauseous.

Hermione:Ah, (s) my soul!

Dementor:wat did u just sae b’loody mary smith

Harry:I think I’m gonna…

Dementor:hey vampire look I no u wanna fuk mi but i m wif draco k we had sex is that stupid

Harry:Oh Merlin, I’m gonna…

Hermione:(s) What are you going to do, Harry?

Harry:FAINT. (faints)

Ron:No! (falls to knees) NO!

[Lupin gets up}

Lupin:EXPECTO PATRONUM!

[Patronus leaps up and starts to heard the Dementor away]

Dementor:oh satan a prep and poser stop flaming me

[Dementor exits. Harry gets up]

Harry:(s) Who are you?

Lupin:A were- I mean, the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

[Harry and Hermione look astounded. Ron is eating. Lupin starts to bite his nails. Dramatic music]

END OF EPISODE ONE

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