Welcome to H.E.L.

Here's why you can't sue God Lincoln, Nebraska --- A judge has thrown out a Nebraska legislator's lawsuit against God, saying the Almighty wasn't properly served due to his unlisted home address. State Senator Ernit Chambers filed the lawsuit last year seeking a permanent injunction against God.

He said God has been made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents in Omaha, inspired fear and cause "widspread death, destruction, and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

On Tuesday, Douglas County District Court Judge Marlon Polk ruled that under state law a plaintiff must have access to the defendant for a lawsuit to move forward.

"Given that this court finds that there can never be service effectuated on the named defendant, this action will be dismissed with prejudice," Polk wrote.

Chambers thinks he's found a hole in the ruling.

"The court itself acknowledges the existence of God," Chambers said. "A consequence of that acknowledgment is a recognition of God's omniscience. Since God knows everything, God has notice of his lawsuit."

Chambers, who has served a record 38 years in the Nebraska legislature, is not returning next year because of term limits. He skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians.

----The Associated Press

Mac SUPERMAC Delaware sighed, pressing the cool, sweating plastic water bottle against his forehead. A cough. He frowned, peering through the gently sloshing water to a stretched, Halloween mask face bent by the refracted light. His advisor.

"Yeeees?"

Matthew Brackenforth cleared his throat again, gently. "Don't you think you might - hm - look over your speech a - hm - again?"

Delaware lowered the bottle. His pale, pinhole pupil eyes narrowed. "Why?"

Mac Delaware is a younger man, with the spiky hair and smooth skin you would expect on a boy band member; but the effect is ruined by a too-wide, eager smile and cracked, blue eyes.  Originally the founder, top salesman, and spokesman for 'Freakin' Amazing Computers!' the business thrived until something snapped, profit plummeted, and he was arrested for trying to fly over the interstate on wax paper bird wings. He currently does commercials for QuickLoan places, but, after a run in with a senator with a blatant disdain for the man, he decided to make a break into the political arena.

"Eh - hm," Brackenforth blubbered. A common feature to his wardrobe were the yellow semicircles under each arm, made worse by his recent hiring by this man everyone [and, less vocally, Brackenforth himself] considered insane. "No - hm - reason, sir."

"Hello, H.E.L!" Mac screeched enthusiastically into the mic.

Feedback rang through the hall, the voters clutched their heads, grimacing.

Delaware ignored it. He leaned into the fake wood of the podium, grinning unnervingly. "As all of you know, I'm running for the post of mayor on the Libertatian platform this Tuesday. Apparently, I've gotta make a speech to convince you to come out and vote for me." He winked, swiping up the microphone. "Let's see if I can hit that target."

Delaware strut around to the front of the podium, blinding the small turnout with another over-bleached smile. "SUPERMAC is your only choice because YOU didn't file. Hicksman took away your freedoms and raised taxes more than any governor in the history of H.E.L." He spun, fingering the row of politicians behind him, "Stiffmeyer has admitted that he doesn't care about the constitution," he peeked over his shoulder at the audience, raising a conspiratory hand, "The definition of the word insane is voting for the same people while expecting change."


He was gaining momentum, now. "There is no question that I'm different. There are only 3 people on the ballot and SUPERMAC is the only one that is not socialist. If you are unsure then fill your heart with love, completely open your mind and pray to God earnestly." Delaware paused, leaning towards the crowd, "You can't afford to get this wrong and will be held accountable for your choice."

The End

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