This isn't necessarily meant to be for other people, but I've got nobody to talk to about this so I don't object to you reading or commenting if you see it. Part of the reason I'm posting it here is because I think nobody reads my works anymore so - I suppose that this is the silver lining of that particular cloud.
My weight is something I've struggled with all my life; but not in the way that you would think. I'm 5'10" and 104 lbs, making my BMI 14.9, well under the "healthy" 18-25 category. I eat as I please and I don't exercise beyond taking the stairs instead of the elevator and such stuff. I can't gain weight. All of my dad's side of the family is shaped like this, in fact, I have the most boobs and curves out of the women on that side of the family.
Before you start in with the "Oh, you should be a model! I wish I was so skinny!", let me say that there are a few things you may not have considered when you wished for a wispy thin figure like in your magazines.
- Having your skeleton show is not sexy. Bones are not hot.
- My boobs are flatter than flat, I'm eighteen and I *almost* fill out an A cup. Until I went on birth control last year, I probably should have been wearing training bras if I picked bras that fit me.
- My knees are genetically very knobby. This makes my scrawny legs look even more like a grasshopper's legs. They look malnourished, not sexy.
- I have no energy and am subject to bad sugar crashes and get very sleepy or cranky or muddled if I don't eat on a proper schedule, which isn't always possible. Because I don't have much fat stored, I don't have anything to go on when the food in my stomach runs out.
- If I got pregnant right now, I would probably have a preemie baby, possibly fatally so. In fact, I probably couldn't conceive anyways - low BMI is a factor in 12% of infertility cases. If I did carry a baby to term, I worry that it would be too thin to live long or have health or development problems because I literally don't have enough fat to provide it in the womb - and omega-3 fats are what is used to make brain tissue.
- I'm light and weak which makes me extra nervous because I'm easy to attack or carry off or overpower. This may sound stupid but I'm a female and attacks are a thing that we think about, especially ones with no defence mechanism (for instance, my reaction to being tickled is to drop to the floor and curl up, like an armadillo.) I cannot stress enough how unsecure this can make me feel.
- Many straight guys/lesbians/bi ladies and guys/we need a word for people who are attracted to females (gynophiles?) do not like super skinny women.
- Shopping with women is uncomfortable because they often feel odd if they are self conscious about their weight or use me as a Barbie doll.
- I often feel like a skeleton wearing a tablecloth if the dresses or shirts are voluminous. Also, my size sells out fast. Also, it's hard to buy pants because if they fit my butt they are too short because they're practically kids' pants and if they fit my legs they fall off my butt.
- There is nobody to talk to about this because nobody fucking gets it because they all think they're fat and don't understand or sympathise with the opposite problem. It is difficult to listen to compliments and realise that people feel that they want to be skinny like this when I don't want to be and it's not even healthy.
- I've somehow wound up feeling guilty for being skinny. What the fuck.
Bottom line here is: I look, or feel that I look like a gangly child, not the super sexy models that all skinny women are magically supposed to be.
Modelling is not in my personality. Stop suggesting it.
I will say that the only part of my figure that I do like is my stomach.
Before you get all on me about how I should thankful that I'm not overweight and don't have to work for it or how I should model - I realise that my problems are different from those of women who weigh more because the whole media and society isn't telling me I should weigh more and I'm undesirable because of my weight (although I do get enough of that) or people don't necessarily look down on me because of my weight or make fun of me to my face. That doesn't mean that my problems aren't valid.
Yes, some of these problems could probably be overcome by planned diet and working out so I'm not so weak and defenceless. It's really hard to stick to.
Thanks for reading it all.