wandering hearts

It’s strange how those to whom you once sought the comfort of their loving arms, can often turn into those to which you find yourself fleeing from. You find yourself unable to leave them, despite all odds you still cling onto them. You ponder whether it is the hope things may be as they once were, or because of the people involved that you’ve grown to love and care for, or the fact you may have become dependent and reliant on the comfort they provide. It’s easy to become attached to people, even those who end up becoming your biggest worry. You try to separate yourself from them, but the ties run so deep you find yourself unable to. You feel obligated to stay with them, like it is your duty. Yet you forget your duty to yourself. A duty to fulfil your own happiness as well as that of others.

Even when you acknowledge this, you still struggle with the idea of seeing what the world could be like without them, without the certainty that they will be there. The possibility of staying friends looks rather meek, and those who have become family to you are more theirs than your own. The fear that you will lose those, as well as the person you have invested in is enough to keep you locked down. You’re unsure whether you could cope with losing them, maybe this might just be a rough patch? The fear of things being unable to be salvaged if they are lost causes you to stick through it. You tell yourself that after a certain amount of weeks you will leave if things are still getting to you; sometimes you feel certain that leaving, even only temporarily, is the best option. Then you see them and they talk you around to staying, they show you the person you started to fall for and cared deeply about, the compassion you remembered. You start to feel more certain about staying, but not for long. Soon they yet again become the person you no longer recognise, a person who makes you feel lonely more than wanted.

Others start to provide you with a smile rather than them, they help when your mood drops and make you feel special. On days when you feel like moving is unbearable, they somehow manage to cut through the chaos in your head and make everything seem okay. But then, you start to realise that the smile you have when you’re talking to them, is the very same smile you once shared with your significant other, a smile that had been lost for so long. This causes more confusion and more problems, because now you have more of a reason to leave. Yet you can’t. You feel guilty for finding comfort from another, yet you know it is the only thing saving you from drowning in the sea of thoughts that try to push you under. You no longer know what you want, who you want. You wonder if your feelings are causing you to stay, like they have in the past. You start to wonder what would have happened if you had been emotionally available, who you would have drifted to. But that doesn’t matter now, what matters is you don’t know which path to follow. One carries more certainty because they won’t leave, despite how many lows you may hit; the other lacks certainty on the whole, but could provide a great journey and a clean slate.

You feel bad for the other person, they are stuck in the middle of this chaos as much as you are, only they don’t know what is going on in your head. Unlike your significant other, they are aware that the situation doesn’t only involve them. They know that the possibility of a future with you is uncertain, they are awaiting your decision. But you cannot give them an answer, you cannot reassure them, you cannot help them; because you are entirely unable to come to a conclusion. You want to be able to tell them you will leave and you could potentially be theirs in time, but you can’t. You’re stuck in a cage with iron bars that won’t budge, you can reach to the outside but you can’t completely leave. You try to find the key to unlock the door, but it is nowhere to be seen. Your sanity depends on this final decision, this certainty you seek; but in reality certainty is a myth because nothing is certain. Yet you still seek it. You are terrified of making choices in case they are wrong and you regret them with no way of undoing them, so you just sit and wait for someone else to make the decision. Only no one can because no one knows what is going on in your mind and they wouldn’t understand.

The End

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