A pause then a step, the electric door slowing Chris and I down as it does to everyone, the door made almost for the elderly. The slow near motionless seniors that shop there everyday the door almost always slamming in their face, maybe they should do sprints to keep up with the future technologies that tend to slow the rest of us. I remember reading a novel, and in this novel there was all talk of only certain children living and when you reach the age of fifty you are to go to a room like an animal and be put down. Who could do such a thing, as if having no feeling just plans for a faster success in the world, a readiness to grow without the old, I thought about this when I was 12 years old or so and really we would lose the wise, we would lose the great teachings of our past, if we followed any morals towards that novel this world would have cut out our past history. Getting past both electric doors now inside Askew’s, we turn right instantly I looking for my red bull my daily high, and Chris well he’s just looking for something new to drink, always looking for something funny or something related to what he likes to do. I walk over to the cooler and walking past is a shorter lady by the name of Dorothy, she’s another of my managers, I always intend to give her a bad time at work always bugging her calling her a witch, she isn’t though well not to me. She’s just someone to check in on, someone that can be honest about how you work. Often known for her attitude, yet I don’t think I would enjoy working here if she didn’t make so interesting with the jokes and the humor of evil haha, she’s good to have around though. "Hey Tanner did yea see, red bull went down in price", Dorothy now telling me this maybe a hint for me to piss my money away on something so insignificant but I’d rather it be red bull than something like heroine, something I couldn’t control, something that would kill me and my loved ones along with it, drugs are just dreams wiped away. I walk over and pull out 2 four packs of red bull, this said to be enough to kill you 4 times over, I don’t care though if I die its fate, it’s a choice we were willing to take, Chris see’s what he likes and grabs a can with a surfer on it; he’s obsessed with the theory of surfing and he hasn’t even tried yet, it’s a dream not a drug, and If he goes and try’s it that’s all that matters, too fail after trying shows much more character yet to try again shows courage in those eyes around you. We take our drinks to the till I pay with a 20 and a 10, the cashier giving me a dire look as if I am crazy, to try new things is not crazy though, its genius. If everyone thought people were crazy for trying something new we would have nothing but ignorance. Now guiding myself out , saying goodbye to the co-workers as if I just finished work for the day, back through the electric doors that we came and now running to my car as if just for fun, some excitement for our youth to devour. Hoping in my car, turning the key over, reeee,reeee, this a somewhat typical thing for my car to do . I pop the hood turn the key over again and it starts, this now making me have to get out and close the hood, what a pain. Driving out of the parking lot down the road and threw the one way exit of the school, going and parking my car now, we get out and make a glance at school then proceed on in. Nothing doing in the computer lab so we keep our restless feet moving and we head down to the library; this is where Chris’s mom works, she’s fair though no favorites just equals. We walk inside passed the book security scanner and Chris goes and asks his mom for some money, she of course as most mothers do grabs him some change from her purse, we then extend our walk on down to the drink dispenser. Chris puts his change in hoping to get a water but I changed that by pushing down on the apple juice button before he could choose his water, water would be a waste of money to get though, we have fountains and its free so really I just saved him from making a poor choice. Turning around we he’d back towards the library and go into the gym in an attempt to work out the muscles that either of us really have, I guess its really just something to do yea know. And so we sit and work out for the remainder of our spare, why I was still here I don’t know, I could have called for a ride home but instead ill take the slow safe ride home on the bus. Still sitting there working on my lower body work out routine which is just me sitting there pushing 300 pounds up and down with my legs, so simple yet so hard. Having a thought now that ill go for my old record of 8 red bull in 15 minutes, I give it a try, downing the first pack in 6 minutes all going down pretty easy, no head rush yet, I must be good to go, drinking 3 more and stalling on the last chugging it all in 12 minutes. Here it comes, the great feeling all that blood being pushed up to my head, nose very clear as if about to bleed but it doesn’t it stays in an uncomfortable phase as if to annoy me. I love these drinks, always waking me, giving me that extra push in sports school and work, it’s a weakness though knowing that it’s a drink not you pushing yourself, its just slowly making you out of shape, a hazard that you can’t even see, maybe never will until one day when your playing basketball with your friends, your heart beats faster and faster, you collapse falling into a dark blaze. This happened to a young boy in Ireland so I was told by a teacher, maybe it was false information or so that’s what I like to believe. Yet I think its all true, after having more than enough red bull I can feel it, my heart pumping to keep up with my over seized fast reflexes. Its not the fact that this drink can kill me, it’s the fact that before it can do that it changes me to a worse person, filled with energy yet very depressed with my outcome, it’s almost as if it kills my ambitions making me helpless to its can of high priced energy that fills the void. Keeping me awake through the night and tired the next day forcing me to buy more and more digging my own grave day by day. Feeling all energetic now Chris and I head back to the library him already with his apple juice and other drink in his system and I with my 8 red bulls still deluding my bodies efforts to digest it. We walk out the gym and past the guitar class that we probably should have been in, since we wanted to start a band one day, their starting to sound pretty good after such a short time; this a little regret of mine, having a guitar at home one that I rarely use, consumed with dust it sits along side my lyrics, those that I had one day dreamed of singing in front of millions of people, bringing everyone together in one place just to listen to my words, it’s a dream not something that’s around the corner. Chris and I now reach the library doors, we step inside and pulsate around, his mom Nancy tells us that the school wont be getting the money to get a video camera for the school, this is what Mr. Bradshaw has been talking about for quite some time, I find that kinda sad, looking forward to teaching film now just crushed away in tainted ash. Not only that but I was also looking forward to it, wanting to make a short film that was serious unlike my familiar dry humor copy cat films that I make with my friends. I have this interest in films, either acting in them or writing or just having fun with a camera, it would never be about the fame it would be the integrity of art in film that was made seen because of what we envisioned what we saw that made a certain look stand up. Chris says he’s going to try and get in the computer lab, so I just go for a loser lap around the school. Slow steps taking my time, theirs no rush, walking along in the grade 8 hallway I spot a girl sitting on one of the benches, red hair, green eyes, this is Colbie Franson, she’s in a pretty loyal hockey family, priding themselves on that, a great deal of hockey skill passed on to her 2 brothers Cody and Cain. Colbie is a figure skater, a great one at that, she has this great personality that will catch your eye no matter who you are, don’t talk rude to her or cause infliction, it could be like playing with fire, one of the best smiles and one of the purest hearts Colbies going to make someone really happy one day, I value her very much as a friend. We used to just say hello and stuff like that, but then we talked and brought up feelings, point of views on life and past relationships trying to mend each others low spirits. I only wish I knew her longer than I have, I only wish I saw the amazing person that she is before now, she’s simple and sweet, and very, very unique she’s Colbie I sit and ask her what she’s up to, "oh nothing Tanner just working on some of my biology", I stay a while longer, grasping the moment that we actually sit and talk together since its really very few. "Please listen for your end of school announcements", Beep! I say later to Colbie with School now over. I walk down to the gym and grab my backpack, Brian is there "hey Tanner you wanna stay after and shoot around for a bit"? I explain to him that I can’t today, that I have to take the bus and that im already in a hurry to get in the line. Off I go, an average rate of speed, walking down the halls, stopping off at my locker grabbing my homework that I probably won’t do, off again, out the front middle entrance straight on out and now standing in line ready to head back to Malakwa. Always regarded as greasy even just a joke for riding the school bus and living in Malakwa, I enjoy where I live though no ones opinions are going to change that, they don’t live there so they to see the beauty in peace in quiet. The first bus now comes, this bus takes the kids from Six Mile home, the bus not even half full almost seems like a waste of money for the school district, they I’m sure could easily just let the few students car pool saving money for a better budget. Here now comes the turtle bus, this being a good name since Kathy isn’t the fastest of bus drivers. The line being pushed back, following the rules of the bus driver Kathy and the supervising teacher Mr. Beeftink; now as we get the signal from Kathy and start climbing aboard we hear the words of Mr. Beeftink repeatedly, KEEP OFF THE GRASS! Were all used to it now its just that simple reminder of boarders in our school ensemble, finding a seat near the back, starring out a partly fogged window, half sun half fog to stare at, with bitter clouds following over. The bus door closing and us heading off, the ride home always something different to see, some angle of something that you don’t see till now, that second of knowing that you drive past something everyday yet today you noticed it, it wasn’t just that boring sign or building, it was like seeing it for the first time and you felt like you were in a whole new place. Its in those moments where you feel confused yet so alive not knowing if what you just saw is something new or not, it’s a mystery, it grabs a hold of our thoughts and it twists them till we believe till we use our imagination. It feels like there’s less potholes on the way home, wether this is true or not I don’t know, either way I wish there wasn’t any, it would make for a nice soothing ride. Reaching the start of the four lanes now, tons of traffic passing the school bus leaving a big trail of dust to get through. Helplessly sitting, cramped with my knees digging into the seat, slowly coming to its first stop the bus finds its standstill motion; lights flashing, stop sign popping out, the signal to get off and seats emptied the vacant steps of people getting off soon arousing the rest. Pulling up now to cross the highway, the bus merges on and crosses, Kathy takes a right then straight on out to my stop. Lights flashing, stop sign pops out yet agin, sitting ready to jump up just waiting for the signal to get off the bus and get home inside to a place that rarely changes a place that doesn’t screw with my thoughts like the ride home. I see the signal, gradually walking foreword now from the back to the front stepping over shoes that belong to someone’s feet, reaching the door now Kathy with her gesture of goodbye and I with mine, getting signaled to cross the street and stepping through the café door now. "Hey Tanner, how was your day" my moms usual words when I get home from well anything, I reply back with good and continue into the house, stepping into the computer room, turning it on and throwing my backpack to the ground. Just settling in now, my mom shouting "can you go and put the wood in the wood shed", all the little things that put what we really want to do off just for a moment but its still time gone, not wasted just gone. I go out and move the wood, it only takes a few seconds then its done, chores and tasks holding us back, yet do they not give us something? A chance to grow a chance to have responsibility, their something that helps uplift our age and our position as a teenager. Back inside now in front of my computer screen wasting away, talking to my friends online, listening to music and typing out song lyrics, that’s all I ever seem to do when I get home, and what for its not like my songs are good its all just wasted time. I turn the music up fairly loud, I go to my room and just sit there, glancing at the wall I think about it all, this life that I have the posters of people I dream to be, covering this image of my wall. That’s not me though that’s not Tanner Croft, never will be, I take comfort in that, I don’t think I could ever handle fame, falling in with wrong crowed overdose after overdose finding myself in re-hab only just after getting out, that’s a life I cant live, ever. It makes me wonder about my brothers hopes, did he ever think about it all and how he could fail his dreams? That’s something I cant answer, only one person can one person who knew what was going on inside and that’s himself, its sad, falter your dream to throw it away for nothing. Flip a coin that’s your fate, that seems what its like but its not, just apply yourself; that’s something I want to do, I want to prove people wrong, I want to write a book and publish it, I want to make an album and sell it I have dreams but theirs something else, something that I want that Im not sure I can do, that’s teaching. I have all these abilities to play sports but I don’t want that as a P.E. teacher, I want that feeling of sharing what you know with your pupil, its exciting its great and its holding me back, Im scared cause I know so little and I cant take failure or new beginnings well, that’s just who I am. Shy, quiet often unseen something I cant be as a teacher, I need to be the center of attention; Damyen my brother wanted to be a teacher, but his teacher said he wouldn’t be good at it and now look where he is, I think he would have been a great teacher if he just blocked those negative thoughts out maybe he would be one today. Opinions will change people, judgement will change people, this thought drives society to a wielding fire of inequality, one that weakens our system of life. If we blocked it out, if we didn’t listen, we would thrive and they would fall.