Just a game , just a timeMature

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Crossing the ball between my legs, stepping back and shooting the corner three ball, arm extended above my head after the ball is released, Swish! One of the best sounds in the world, the perfect shot making the perfect sound. Brian giving me a high five with the calm words of "woah, nice shot Tanner", I check the ball to Chris and we all continue to play. This court is nothing like my home court in Malakwa, the one that my friends and I play on when we need something to do, taking up a cooler of beer and shooting around playing a few games here and there keeping in shape over the summer, its all for fun out there, always. On my late night jogs I often find myself stopping there, not just to think about the game but to think about my life, talking to myself figuring things out, its where I find the time to judge myself, where I find peace with the world around me, it just makes me feel refreshed stopping where I used to go to school when I was just a little lad. This is where I glance ahead, a place of stability and meaning, I always say "what if" when im at this court, thoughts of possibly trying out for college volleyball now long gone but I don’t think I was capable, I don’t think I would have been good enough. I see past those thoughts and think of what’s really important, family, friends and having fun, how we would give up so much just to see someone we love do something great, all worth it as you see there joy, there smile, their love for something. Time is not wasted for me, time is memory of what I once was, we all change, we all mature to some extent and we value this world for what its worth, many of times taking what we have for granted, we should take or skills and we should all be someone more, someone guaranteed for success wether that be large or small it is always something to value. Having a quick water break we stop and relax as if for a moment, letting our sweat cool us down, breathing deep yet living in the moment of youth. In basketball, over four years of it, I’ve been searching for that perfect shot, sometimes I find it sometimes I don’t, I love the challenge, the growing pain to face greater odds and to defeat them all with intentions of building up a greater prominence, one that is brave in any given situation, one that will seize the day in all glory to steal readiness from a greater threat to your hearts desires, push to strive, dig deeper than the ones around you, we are all created equal, we just need to see it that way. I have these pictures of myself in games of sport, some that my dad gave me, I often zoom in to that elapsed focus of my eyes during that time and I see no fears just a battered heart in losing cause, playing and working to amendable proportion. I remember just recent I did not value who I was and what I had, I was scared on my futures palate, I have always valued my sports over my school, one night I saw this and I put it all away I tore it all down, I ripped It off the wall, those pictures, those awards I had felt betrayed by my own inner self, this weakness that pushed me to the depth of lesser power on my soul, on my heart. Next basket wins, those words grasped my adrenaline and I pull everything when I have that ball in my hands, going left then right, passing off to Brian, then Brian driving under the hoop and passes it back out to me, no check, no lurking presence, just time, waiting for the right feeling then it comes, I step in and shoot the ball, the perfect ark, drilling the threads of the basket making another swish and a win. No arms raised, no great joy or valiant scream to say I won, there’s no need were all just friends playing a simple game at lunch. I remember playing with cocky players, so rude, so fake, flawed from every second they put the ball down, from every word they say to you, they can think that they’re great but they are truly far from it. I feel bad if we have tryouts in our school, not for the ones that are bad but just for one individual, his name is Russell, he has a form of muscle disease, sure he’s not the best at sports but he plays with heart, always. Few people ever see this, they just think he’s some spoiler of a player, but he’s not and whom ever says that doesn’t see him diving all over the volley ball court to return a ball, something that our team has always seemed to lack, that feeling deep down that you wont give up, you wont let that ball touch the ground, and if we all had half the heart and determination that he had, we would go very far. Popping out of the change room, now waiting for the bell to ring, slowly walking out of the gym as if perfect timing because the bell at this point did go off Beeeep! Slowly heading down to my locker, opening it and jostling around books a shorts, grabbing my math material and heading into room 17 for my math 11 class. Throwing my text book down and binder down on my back row desk, then telling our math teacher B-Shaw that im getting a drink, him replying simply with, "just make it quick" yea right, make it quick, like im gonna do that. Walking slowly, no obstacles in my way, a clear path heading down the hall tracing my previous steps, pushing the front door open, now standing there outside in the midst of drying sun over the valley of the shuswap, clouds soon to roll in but not just yet; I enjoy this warmth, this natural feeling radiating over my shadow. Turning and stepping back inside I walk back to the fountain and grasp refreshment only for a moment turning away I now proceed back to room 17. Back in the room I step over to the back and grad an old National Geographic magazine, I throw my journal on top of that and pretend to read, while I write my poetry, this period of fake reading lasting 15 minutes, the whole school has to do it, its supposed to help our reading ability haha. Pencil in my hand, focused on great detail, emotion hiding away slowly streaming out in spurts of brilliance, line after line they come, sometimes pausing; yet I finish. I name it "Didn’t Care".

 

Motionless in a chair
people often sit and stare
I am false I am dead
dreams once had now gone to bed
pull the plug my body it's done
time run out lost with doubt
this is my end
Alone, restrained, trapped
something once so great
now torn by one big mistake
one drink, now in a chair
so fearless I didn’t care.

No one will ever read these words and tell me they are great, teachers don’t see these, they see a teenagers words, not good enough for them, so therefore not good enough for anyone, shut away my words will stay, in a journal never found, maybe one day read upon to few and muttered about but never good enough to anyone. I understand, Im used to being pushed down, the greatness held below the wave of a body of peoples that do not grasp for one persons words alone. Our math 11 teacher Mr. B-Shaw is judged as somewhat of a geek, enjoying sci-fi and Star-Trek paranoias, maybe he too is grasping out to his youth, looking for stability as an adult. We students always enjoy breaking him down to a size of proportion that in turn makes us look better than he, is this right? His face often turning red over his somewhat questionable lifestyle to students, but so what, he is after all human like the rest of us. What do we see, what makes us attack his weakness? "Ok, go put your books away". I get out of my seat and stare aside, out a window, a fragrance in the midst as if rain were to fall from the sky, it didn’t though, grass patches now coming to be seen as the once bright sun melted the white snow flooring of the front pathway. I opened my text book, peered at the passed names under the cover, one was my friend Mitchell, we have been friends for quite sometime, him always driving me wherever when I was without a licence, always there to talk to, to drink with and to lighten the mood. He was dating my niece at one point, but some things don’t last forever, I always thought that they would get married and have little annoying children, but fate has a way of changing things. We were teammates in hockey Mitch and I, always having each others back like brothers, well we pretty much are brothers in sense, we were only line mates for one whole season, but it was a great season. Speaking of hockey, I saw my old hockey coach Mr Weber the other day while I was working, he was all surprised that I was at work and not off to college or some trade program, he told me that I should get out and find a real job, with good education, then he said, you don’t wanna work in a saw mill you whole life like me, its not worth it. Those words I took to heart yea know, the fact that someone like him that I respect a lot told me that, I guess it just meant a lot; you don’t always see your coaches say things like that. I guess my question to myself is , where is serenity, where is where lost is gone and found is just around the corner; Its all just so much to think about, the pressure of future, compelling as it sounds is a fear, to change is easy but to grow up is a journey. Math 11, im am having troubles with it, its to much of a fun class, with some of my friends in it; always laughing and joking around, just a distraction foreseen until now, now is after I was taken out of the room to be asked if I wanted to stay in this class, my mark being to low already. What make them judge so soon, not doing well on a few tests just because he moves to fast, its supposed to be a class not two smart kids that you follow. Where do we reason, when do we fake a smile just to compel that what we have is good enough, what words motivate the fail to a success, there just questions to many and to few, they will and wont change things but they will cause a seen, big and little. And in that due point you fight for saying never, you stand up and consume your heart with one thought of what you want, you strive for perfection in life as do you on your opinions, it’s all just that vigor that we love. I hardly ever stand up, I hardly ever push everything aside just to make one thing better, I sit and I wait, mouth closed, mind overrated with my emotions to just jump up and speak but I don’t and I wont im afraid to be judged myself, Im afraid to be myself, to voice my opinion is well off and under. Sitting there in class mind escaping these walls yet again, I wish I was somewhere else I wish I was in her arms. Whom you may ask, this a girl I have never met yet really know, one that pulled for my heart and reeled it in, many emotions of mine go far with her, I miss her always. Finding myself starring at her blue eyes in the morning, telling her I love her, all just a lie, when I wake up she is gone, she was never here. She, Micaela Currrigan resides five hours away in a little town , in the state of Washington. If I could be there right now I would, id be on a walk with someone that see’s me for me, she values what I say and her brilliance is amazing, she’s one of a kind and she is my one, If im certain of one thing in my life Im certain of this. High hopes and high dreams a love serge that flows deeply in my veins, I’ve never felt this way about anyone, she captures me at my best and shows me views I would never see, ill find the road, ill be with her eternity as they say to those you love. Spring break I think I’ll go meet her, I hope, if not I must keep waiting and I she never comes out I shall die lonely waiting for her. I wrote a poem all for her, about waiting, here I’ll show you

A top a hill I stand

my life in the palm of my hand

moments pass and moments come

this life of mine all undone

confused and lost how I feel

framed in time with all the thoughts in mind

im frozen now like I was then

I miss a girl and I missed her then

im young; a teen

im supposed to be free

thoughts of her , im waiting

and all this time deliberating

stay or go I never know

im broken until the end

when she comes ill know

It will then be time to go.

 

Words I wrote to a girl, a promise to always wait, and I will, she is dear and beautiful a sweetheart of the sweetest kinds. Where do our hearts guide us? To those we love or farther away until non-existent? When do we know were with the right person? They should be our best friend, they should be the one that shares our joy, they should be the one that we live with forever, divorce is an easy way out, if you married you should not try to change your partner you should just embrace for all they are, they are your other half, they reason you out until there’s nothing there to reason value this, don’t give up on a slump that slowed down your hearts desire in what you once saw. Deep down you will always love them, ignorance is a flaw in love, it just hides our deeper truths. "Ok come on do your work, stop talking and just do it", this Mr. Bradshaw’s attempt to get the class to work, his face red only for a second, as if to scare the us the students into working. But who wants to work when we could talk or listen to our music, the reason I love going to school is all my friends are in one place and its awesome, theirs no feeling of conception or insecurity, our school in fact is a great place to attend, you just have to see the good things not the bad. Every 30 seconds I find myself glancing at the clock, time moves so sloe in class, but really its all gone right before your eye’s, some days I just want it all back, some days I just want to scream in the terror of it all, the moments we thought we just there when their already gone as if they never existed, its all so sad, giving up an era for another, times compels us to accept who we are now, not who we were then. Only a few minutes now, then I got my spare, a solid block to allow us some adventure with our days in school. I always have these random thoughts of doing something different, not for everyone else just for myself, like for instance just running into a puddle, jumping into the banks just to feel young, less mature. God I miss it, that fact that we could act stupid and have so much fun doing it without all the pressure that comes with growing up. So much joy in such a little world, referring to elementary school, running through the forest as if through a huge jungle, our imaginations were great then, no limits just dreams and the steady words behind it saying we can do it if only we try. When I think back, I don’t remember what I wanted to be, I wish I could remember his thoughts but I don’t he matured into me, sad I know, but I am just him in another way lost and confused the teenage way. Beeeep! Time for spare. Out of my desk, walking out I glance and see the past the classroom I see voice in these walls, memories, terms unclosed, crushes gone, Im wrecked, im broken, stared upon as if to mock these walls with my name, I am judged day by day, it doesn’t bother me, Im in school, this better than not trying at all, this better then my siblings try. Out the door, all the time In the world now, I throw my bag in my locker and grab Chris, we take my car and head down to Askew’s. Looks, feelings just be strong theirs no pressure If you let it escape your system, better days go unnoticed but these ones stick around im always asked why I wear a frown yet I don’t know. Car out of the parking lot were gone, driving slow turning right and finding a spot, doors locked, a paced walk, now to the door.

 

 

The End

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