Clustered mind now setting in, the void between reality and fantasy now filling in the holes of my thoughts. Out of the gym now straight down the hall I came, walking steadily but not fast, no not fast, who walks fast to get to class could you imagine what people would think if I walked fast to get to class. All probably injustly assuming I was in love with classes and leaning, a nerd per say is what they would think of me. So I stop for a drink not long though, so many people in line for water today, if I took my time they would think I was better than them or maybe that I cant afford water where I come from as my friends like to joke with me about, them being from Sicamous and I from Malakwa always giving each other little joke to remind us ast to where we come from. I don’t mind the fact that they do that, its just what security does that give them when they’re trying to win a argument, we only live ten minutes apart what’s the big deal to them, sure they have a better outcome on the look of there community with all of the stores and shops but who ever said we needed it, I mean I enjoy my privacy, I enjoy the fact that I can go around and drink with my friends and not have the cops all over the place watching our every move. I like the comfort that we all know each other we can all say hello and we have just enough land in our property that we have privacy from our neighbors; this unlike the devouring heart of the sicamous infrastructure, with there big rise buildings on the beaches and there kitty corner house’s giving the word private the notion that your neighbor might not hear you talking about him through your paper walls. Prices rising houses selling condos going up, the cheap duplex a simple reminder that land can be valued more that people think; childhood in a small town much better than a city, the word finding clarity while growing, childhood, childhood, whispered in your mind, that soft memory of forbidden times that kept you going as a child, one with energy and adventure, building tree houses finding your first crush and dreaming to be someone big when you’ve aged.
Now then on your way , get to class just not fast, stepping along every so carefully pacing my walk with the row of lights above watching each clock tick as I walk passed the past of old school grad portraits, seeing familiar faces of my now present relinquished as its own. Taking a left at room 17 one deep breath then on in, taking my back row seat waiting for the others to be filled but they wont be; there hasn’t been a big population here at Eagle River Secondary in quite sometime, with grad class numbers dwindling away who’s to say we wont be shipped off to Salmon Arm for better classes. This of course a frantic outburst of me being absurd to the point of insanity, the point is it could happen one day if the only families coming in are summer tourists from Alberta with a time share for a few weeks. I mean what do we need to do to raise the population in this small town put in a Wal-Mart, im sure that would go over well destroying another small towns small businesses. So tell me if we know that the corporation hurts our towns then why do we allow it to happen? More money in the wallet, what a shame, a fraud to the little guy under the thumb of the high end money maker politician that allows for all these Wal-Marts coming In. "Now then how’s everyone today you happy to be here learning math, ‘pause’ oh common that was supposed to be a joke , man you guys are a hard bunch of kids to make laugh". This my block A , math 10 teacher, its his first year here and already making a positive impact by introducing the sport of wrestling to the students here. Our team doing very well under his vision and learning paths to the sport, having 4 or so players on the team eligible to go to the provincials, this a great accomplishment in the span of only a few months of teachings. I remember on the first day how he told us that he does everything very fast and is forgetful of things, sometimes spelling his name backwards or incorrectly, it all leads you to wonder what’s going on in peoples lives; does he have a medical problem is that it or is just as simple as memory loss just even for a moment or two. This is all fine, it’s a natural way to hide what’s going on, not meaning my teacher now, but others. The ones with the secret that you can’t quite make out this person being your friend and when they finally tell you what their secret was their dead, the secret cancer, they never got to tell you because they were rushed to the hospital that day, placed to the ER and later passed away leaving you with an empty phone call and there last words all on your mind. A meaning of tragedy in the world around us, I remember going to the Hospital in Salmon Arm, here seeing my grandmother aged with a stroke and cancer, a chilling feeling seeing the ones we love in dire need of help and we cannot help but waste our awaiting move with those transitional words that redeem helpless with the shadows of death; its natural I know but its painful that burden of knowing there gone and not able to be seen until distant dreams. Turning my page to 43 as directed on the board, questions 1-8; I have questions not the most caning but there valued in my frame of mind. One, When your in that constant time of highschool why do we let those memories go with age? Two, With regret of our past can we ever grow fond of we had before we made that mistake? Now three, my brother Damien told me once at work that ill miss playing hockey, why did he say that, was it because he to threw it away after being such a great player in is time? Four, why do my joys in life often have to be related to sport, why couldn’t it be about making something or doing a good job on a test, why can I see joy in the discomforting parts of my life? Five and still alive, Why do I enjoy the run on a cold rainy day, passing through the small town I love, looking in greater detail at things I see everyday, but now I see depth on the old car bridge and I see youth in the old school I went to , but why do I value these of so little value to others? Six, Why were we given fears if only to fight them with our heart? Now 7, Why am I resolved as a person when I walk on to a court and shoot 3 after 3 even when missing still finding comfort and just? My jersey number 8, Why do we the underdog strive off adversity and step up to the challenge when it comes to the greater good of life? These are my thoughts on my life, my sublimed stumbling muttering words in my head all leading to the heart. If you ever told me that my brother Damien would ever say something that thoughtful to me about a sport that he loved to play id think you were crazy, I never knew what he valued, still don’t but that’s a look at what maybe he left behind, something he didn’t push to achieve, that chance to play what you love for the rest of your life. A shame really having so much potential yet throwing it away for a bargain on your dreams. My boss told me once, he picked up my brother hitch hiking and they were driving along and my boss asks him, "so what do you want to do with your life"? My brother turns and says "well im either going to be a professional hockey player or a professional pitcher". What happened to that kid? The one with the dream? Was he just over run with easy money, the easy way out, I think so. I wish I could have that image of what he was and show it to who he is, maybe he would feel something for his regrets then, maybe his old figure of a lost teen would show up. I was never so great to be placed on a good hockey team or to have a ball in my hand and say strike him out, that just wasn’t me it was him though, his past. "Tanner are you understanding these questions"? My asking this to every student that he passed, all of us giving the simple nod of gesture that we get it, and understand the meaning of the simple algebra questions from the text. Really though, I see it as a firm way of telling our teacher that we don’t wish for him to stand over us; that sharp awkward feeling as though he’s insulting our intelligence, what if the students stood over the teacher in awe, would they to feel the blister of uncertain ease scorched through the eyes in the back of there head; who are they watching now? Twiddling my pencil in uncertain thoughts, here my imagination slips away, walls of the room fall, my train of thought gone starring into the obis. Thinking of how to get away, always finding this place holds me back to certain extent’s that I no longer can explain. Im afraid to leave this town, always the dark thought just a picture of a boy beside the sign saying ‘Now Leaving Home’, but where does leaving take me, to a future dead or living or to the unknown girl I await in my dreams. Insecure, lost, cracking flaws, all fears when I leave home, what interest is this to my falling demise; grasping for breath in a water filled room, what depth is greatness in a drowning cause? Reaching for all these great heights that only mean something to you; justified with negative outlooks from others who’s wishes don’t comprehend your path to greater living. With these obstacles we cannot strive on living and rising up, yet we strive off our opposites negative energy, always stepping up to prove them wrong; the props wielding our fire. Papers passed back with a notion to study these notes for our test tomorrow, I wont study though, too many distractions, my mind doesn’t comprehend the knowledge to the word study nore does it seek to exist. I’ve always wondered what my outcome would be if I took brain enhancer drugs for focus in the classrooms, probably just making me more depressed if anything, I drink red bull though, often four cans or so a day, most people thinking I just drink it for a long day high, this however false to my own conception, finding that it wakes me for my classes and work yet makes me weaker im sure in the long run; just throwing my money away on a fools gold. What to comprehend In school? The good and the bad of life, poverty and rich, learning that only brains will get you somewhere in life, this probably what the geeky nerd kids would tell you; like one of my friends for example, always thinking that im stupid, jabbering me with his jokes. I don’t think he knows how it affects me but it does, I want a life you see, he can have his marks and his doctors job but that’s not happiness that’s greed of something you don’t want nore need, I realize now people of his kind are ignorant when they think themselves better than all of us. There’s a teacher here and her values of learning are oh so much more important than what we as students see, valuing only the smartest of boys and the rest girls, mainly sexist to the weaker sex of learning, I remember times when I did a image and to her it was all wrong it had to be , because she herself didn’t like it , as if her voice matter in the art form of the school , what gives her the right to judge ones art with such prestige principles that sets us all off if mis-conformed gestures, making us all feel weak and unaware that what we make is good; we should not hide what we are because of one judgmental persons attribute to attack the weaker few. Even choosing to badger me for coming back to learn and upgrade my knowledge making me the point of laugher in the class, sure later apologizing but what right has she, when I simply sat there all class doing my work and lashing to me over other students mis-condoned humor towards the teacher causing her In an uproar of some noble pride over nothing. Im a pon in the school this year, always being informed and blackmailed by teachers that this is my 13th year and they can have me removed but what emotionless sense do they get when they imply this? I don’t understand, I thought this year was supposed to be positive a chance for me to change the past, maybe I was wrong with such negative sublimation from those in power, from those the ones who are supposed to encourage me yet do not. "Here you go and good job by the way maybe I was wrong about you in this class after all". This a test, the first one this year and I got 80%, that’s not the point though, the point is the week during the writing of this test I was at home with the flu unable to write it; so without any marks in my teacher has presumed that Im stupid and don’t get it, its all ok though, I stepped up , I proved him wrong that’s the point, If you can rise to the challenge and do well its worth it seeing the look on the face of ignorance, in fact I encourage all of you to the same, step up, my brother did. Not the hockey player but the one that was addicted to drugs, some days he wouldn’t come home to his family of 4 kids and one being a new born baby; its not easy, he made the right choice thought family over drugs. I was happy when I heard that he did that, he’s a hard worker and one of the most down to earth people you will ever know of and now after rising up and getting rid of the drugs he’s able to make ends meet. Ten minutes left in class now, all our books closing up classmates getting ready to go to the next block in the rotation. The walls now coming back into perspective the boundaries of this life here for the next 4 months, sure we can go out and party, but if we do something wrong, will here about it when we come back , will get a lecture a slap on the wrist or maybe a phone call home , this is the system of a running community, sure not all the teachers know us, but garmented one will and they’ll pass judgement and opinion on the subject and then you’ll go home and deal with it, the boundaries are everywhere until were out, until schools out for good. Waiting still I pull out my I-pod and headphones I look for a soothing song one that relaxes the mind and makes me feel at well with where I am for a day. I remember now why I see my brother Damien has a person that doesn’t value me in there life, at least that’s what I thought when I was 8; I was adventurous at this age, most kids are, I was out poking the ice on the pond with a stick and kept on reaching for more ice when I fell in, I couldn’t swim then and still cant to this day but I was scared I was splashing arms flaying in and out, in and out screaming for help I was certain I was a goner, someone heard me though, not my brother my friend David, he was up in my tree fort adding his own unique something to it. He jumped from the high tree top came running over and pulled me out. Minutes later I would appear in the house in front of a young teen, me soaked and all he could say was get outta the way Tom Greens coming on, I just almost died and that’s all he could fathom to say, he didn’t even ask why I was soaked as if it were an everyday look he kept watching the T.V. . I don’t think he’s ever been compelled to want to get to know me, always so distant never wanting to be in my life but yet when he takes me golfing for the first time its as if he thinks he’s always been there as big brother yet instead he took off and chose a path that changed his life forever. I now wont buy into his fake glamour of drug money, as a child sure , this because I didn’t know any better, but if it ever mattered I wish he was around, not because he then would have picked a different path but for the memories even if only a few. These are past views that can’t matter now, its time to see what I had not what I didn’t have, I had friends always looking out for me all still doing so today. When you can get used to the lost time and framed pictures without those people in them you can be someone, you can be yourself, I’ve always felt like I was following some stupid shadow of his by playing hockey and baseball, but I wasn’t I was learning to love sports as a young child this giving me new levels of skill which I now can use In the many things I do in my life. Rambling on sitting in a desk talking to myself in my head, am I crazy? Beep! Finally, off to geography, slipping out of my desk out the door I came, turning left to locker 296 grasping the cooling metal lock putting the numbers 21,59,21, click, now In my locker I trade off math binders for geography binders, slam! Click, locked up. Going straight to the left then left and right down the hallway before reaching the wheelchair ramp then turning right and finding my seat in the top left side of the class; throwing my books down walking out now heading back towards the gym , getting that drink I’ve longed for all day. Passing a young teen Brandon Scott I notion a high five hand and as well as say hello, he say "hey" and gives me an enthusiastic high five with a smile. Brandon’s a nice kid but is mentally challenged, its sad but he plays such an important role in our school, greeting everyone with an open door, saying hello, he’s not afraid to be here and that’s great to know, I just wish he could participate in much more like everyone else, we try to get him involved in lots of things but is it enough? I wish he could have more, this shows that life isn’t always fair but we need to make the best of it. Walking further now I pass my past, always pausing as if to greet an old friend in that photo, will these feelings of regret haunt me for the years to come or is this just a wake up call for my futures day.