to my future husband,
if you exist, i wrote you a letter today.
i didn't really intend to, but i guess it's fitting, today being valentines day and all.
i was actually sitting alone on my dorm room floor trying to stop myself from falling apart, hitting the keys on my typewriter like a crazy woman.
but i wrote this for you today, because a part of me needed you to be here.
a very big part of me really really really needs the reassurance of your presence...
but I guess i'm not ready for you yet. I'm not healthy enough to know who I am yet outside of you.
i'm sure God has his reasons for you not waltzing into my life as a boyfriend right now, and i'm trying to trust Him and trust that you're out there and that maybe, somehow, you're missing me, too.
"i just want you to knock on the door a time or two
and poke your head in, take half of a step
"you okay, love?" "no...no, i'm not."
and you'd walk in, stepping over the typewriter and the crate
that i'd so cleverly set up like fortress walls between us
and you'd sit with your back against my dresser, legs curled to your chest
big eyes just watching mine, searching, looking to try to read what i'm trying to cover up with a smile that i can't even fake decently anymore
and after a little bit of that comfortable silence
the tears would start to gather in little puddles at the corners of my eyes
and i wouldn't be able to hold them in any longer.
and even though i'd be afraid of crying in front of you,
it would be okay. i would be okay.
and as the tears fell faster i'd start to tremble
and i'd shake and turn away, tears falling faster than i could sniffle and wipe them away and pretend that they didn't exist
and it would be then that you'd reach out, touch my shoulder,
then caress the tear-streaked jaw line of mine down to my chin
and, honestly, i'd lose it
sobbing like a baby, shaking like an earthquake, breaking like shattered glass
and inevitably i'd roll over from my seated position, faced shoved in the carpet
and your strong hands would caress my back
and guide my convulsing body towards you, my head in your lap
your fingers playing with my hair, your lips speaking slowly
"you're still beautiful and i still love you."
...oh how long must i wait for you to be a part of my life
to walk through the door of my heart
and love me as i fall apart."