It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours yet and I already miss you. That sounds so fucking stupid,doesn’t it? I’m the one that left, and yet I’m writing that I miss you. But,god, do I miss you. I’ve missed you for so long….It hurts. Everything hurts, my heart, my eyes from all this fucking crying...I physically hurt. I feel like I’m dying, my chest tightens every time I breathe, my throat is closed off and I have know idea what I’ve done. This might be the right thing to do….but it feels like the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life...and you know I’ve made quite a few...I wish I could just...take it back, but how do I do that? I’ve hurt you over and over again.You...meant the world to me,still mean the world to me. I know that doesn’t seem like much, but that’s all I have to give now...
I didn’t fall asleep crying like I thought I would.In fact...I slept pretty well,more than likely because I was too numb to even have those nightmares you’ve always helped me deal with.But this morning I had to put my sock monkey that my best friend bought for me- remember when i sent you the picture of the one that I named after you? Yeah,that one- so that I could hold you at night even despite the long distance and my pillow in the dryer because both were soaked through…..but I won’t let myself cry anymore….I have to stick to this because it’s what’s right...You need someone who knows how to help you, someone who knows and understands what you’re feeling more than I did. You need someone who can love you the way you need to be loved.
The five and a half months that I spent with you...Andy they were the best I’ve ever had. we might’ve fallen apart here at the end, and I accept the blame for that, but you made me the happiest I’ve ever been. You are and will always be the best man I’ve ever had the good luck to fall in love with. I want to be with you still, and I always will….I love you more than anyone in the world. I’m sorry that I haven’t been the person you’ve needed, and I’m sorry I don’t know how to fix that. But please...understand that I need you in my life. I need you even if I failed at loving you.
You were the best thing that has ever happened to me. So thank you. Thank you for all the late night talks, for all the love, for the happiness, for the fact that you loved me even at my worse. Thank you so much for being who you are….thank you for being the best person I’ve ever met. Thank you for keeping me sane,thank you for basically keeping me alive. Thank you,Andy, for saving me from myself.