Thoughts

The ripples spread outwards from the contact on the water, tiny little waves fleeing from the disruption. To us these ripples seem to be significant, to have some effect, and in a way they do. We affect those around us, as the contact causes the ripples to spread and disrupt more water.  But as these ripples move further from the point of contact they begin to disperse. Their effect which may have seemed devastating to those at the centre, has now faded to nothingness.

The water is calm once more. A liquid mirror staring back at us. The cause of the waves forgotten and ignored, until it happens again.  Another contact. Bigger than before. The ripples are larger and travel farther and faster than before, and yet they still do not make an impression on the body of water.

They are insignificant.

I was listening to music when I started thinking about my life so far. What have I done? What have I achieved? Why have I done what I have? Why do I continue?

The answers were as they always had been, as a youngest child I was always having targets set for me. Goals to reach. I was never good enough. My achievements were always a step below those who had gone before.

My test scores were too low. I didn’t have friends. I had no obvious talents.

As a child I was pushed into things I didn’t want to do. Made play instruments I didn’t want to play because those who had gone before had done so and had been well beyond average. At this I failed. I couldn’t meet their high standards.

In school my marks were always compared to those before. They were never good enough. If I did well in one area, I didn’t in another. I couldn’t maintain the same level of academic prowess as those before. I struggled, pushed into things beyond my ability and my every failure was met with anger and disappointment.

Even in my best areas I was not good enough. More was always expected. Everything I made was compared to what they made. So even in the parts of my life that I loved, I failed.

So have I done anything of mention? I’ve won countless sports trophies and medals. Participated in every sport I could. Still not enough. Apparently this was expected because I’m a boy.

 

The ripples from my life’s’ contact on the water do not travel far. They are short lived and unimpressive.

What do I have to do to create waves to awe and inspire fear? Who do I need to be? Why am I not good enough as I am?

Why am I insignificant?

The End

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