Those Blue Eyes Ch3
It was another day in the beginning of the summer. I remember sitting in the blue maths room. The intense sun magnified through the window burnt into my helpless back. The maths just zoomed straight from one ear out the other like a train going through a very short dark tunnel. The weeks without Elliot had become worse and worse, further and further I sank, my heart completely flat lined without my own brand of morphine. Never before had I felt like this. Heartbroken more like shattered. They always say the first cut is the deepest, they never mention the feeling of numbed pain rushing through every cell in your body creating tears or anger, love and depression.
The chair seemed my only protection from the physical heat and so I hid as much of myself behind it, I know how vampires feel. Against the gray plastic and graffiti covered chair my phone vibrated, the halleluiah chorus literally did sound as I had forgotten to turn my small black phone onto silent. The ex-vicar maths teacher at the time didn’t look too pleased as an annoying and sadistic monotone voice mocking a very old priest announced “You have a message from God” after the chorus. I died in my chair, I really did. This better be worth it I huffed under my breath sneaking a look at my phone.
1 new message: Elliot x
The small photo I used for his contact picture popped up bringing a painful twang back into my mind and motionless heart shards. A sepia photo of the both of us smiling and cuddled close together shone at me. My hair lay across his shoulder as his comforting arms wrapped around my waist, a small glimpse of what had been torn from me. Stupidly it had made me realise how happy he made me, a hideous contrast to how I now felt. We both looked so crazy about each other. I closed my eyes when I clicked open for my message. In a way I didn’t want to know what it said, in a way I was desperate to.
“Hey you look bored in maths.”
I looked round the room and out of the windows, he wasn’t anywhere.
“Ha-ha, Yeh I am. Where can you see me?”
It was the first conversation we had in months, just light and friendly, both avoiding the subject of us. That’s when we really began to draw close again. We slowly started talking on windows messenger; I guess one day I just caught him in the wrong mood. I didn’t realise it at the time, I thought maybe he wanted me again; it knocked every sensible thought from my mind. He called me “just to talk” he said, I would eventually realise he never meant it like this.
Phone fun I would call it, saying phone *e* sounded so wrong now he wasn’t my boyfriend. Still it had the complete opposite effect than I wanted it to. I expected a happy smiling Elliot like I had been so used to when he first liked me. He called me into the back corridor once, and kissed me. His heart wasn’t in it at all. I think he might have felt bad for making me think that he was interested again. The once again we stopped talking. I thought at the time that he must have been cruelly blanking me. I realise now that it was partly my fault, I had tried to show him how hurt I was by avoiding him, I would just look at my feet or at the opposite wall at times we were forcibly mashed together by fate. He told me recently that he was just made confused by this; he didn’t know if I was upset and obviously didn’t want to talk with him or if I was just angry with him for leading me on, unintentionally as it may or may not have been. Ever the optimist I dreaded this as the future path, I would just keep letting him keep me hanging on, never able to fully let him go.
After a while we eventually began to talk again, at this point I was managing to forget him. Ok so he wasn’t quite a face in the crowd yet but we could talk. It was sports day when he lent me and Juliana his big black cosy jacket. We both fitted inside it and the photo he took of us is still one of my favourites now. I thought maybe this was finally us both moving along. It was only a day later I found out he liked Samantha; she was in his year, pretty and with enough personality to light up America. I cried, from nowhere I just cried. Talking things out with a very philosophical friend brought about the conclusion being around him kept my want to be with him again at bay, finding out he was heart over head and heels for someone multiple times better than me just broke my soul.
I did what I do in any brain tearing, heart flat-lining moment; I put my I-pod on shuffle and let whatever song came along play. After several sad songs it happened to hit on prince and try as hard as I might I could never resist boogying along. Before too long I had my hair down, roller brush in hand, singing along in front of my mirror. There’s nothing more sprit lifting. I kept this on constant for the next few days, like a morphine it kept the pain silenced at the back of my mind.
Juliana for the third time this week approached me slightly cautiously with that worried look I had come to know meant she brought bad news. I realise I must have been a bit like a field of landmines, she was very careful where she stepped encase anyone unwittingly stepped on one that was teetering unpredictably on the edge of explosion.
“She’s going on your navy camp, and he is going to try and get with her there. I am so sorry Hun.”
I cried once more as if this navy camp wasn’t going to be enough to deal with. I was happy for him, genuinely. It would be great if they got together they would be perfect but it didn’t mean I wouldn’t be in tears every time I saw them. I couldn’t imagine seeing him with anyone else or even how it would feel and I can tell you now after everything it’s not nice.
Two weeks to the beginning of summer break, two weeks till the beginning of navy camp. A couple of weights had been lifted from my shoulders and I was slowly climbing back out of the bottom of the pit I was lodged in. I would no longer have to look after a particularly whiney acquaintance while we were there as she had decided to back out. Saying goodbye to a lot of people wouldn’t be too bad I would see most of them again soon; though there were a few people I doubted I would ever meet again, our navy leader was one of them and I would miss the hell out of that crazy guy.
It was just watching him that would hurt, but maybe then after seeing him with her I could move along? That's what I ended up telling myself.
Still following the pattern of my life it didn’t exactly work out like I had expected it to. Actually it worked out pretty much opposite to the navy camp I had expected.
Over these two weeks Elliot and I became friends again, as if stuck in a loop I managed to start getting over the want for him or the idea of us. The next part of the story I remember very clearly and hope I will remember it this well for years to come.
It was the last day of school. Tomorrow we would all come back again and Army and Navy would go to their separate camps for one week. We had managed to convince the geography teacher to let us all go out and do some of our coursework on the town. By the time Juliana had found her trusty umbrella she always took everywhere, just in case everybody else had already set off. Juliana and I didn’t mind this at all. I can no longer decide if it was fate or Juliana’s umbrella that brought about the next event but I’m thankful to the both of them.