So that was then. This is now and I sometimes wonder how it has come to this particular epitome. How from then I can be sat here now as salty tears work their way down my pale cold cheeks, regretting. I don’t regret anything that happened between us. I only regret that which I have brought on myself in a flurried moment of utter stupidity.
You may wonder how I’ve ended up like this, in this particular moment. How one kiss on a beautiful fresh, crisp night could turn into more tears than I knew I could cry? I’ll try my best to fill you in. Not on my life just him, at the moment there doesn’t seem to be much of a difference.
So let’s begin at the beginning.
Another morning came. My phone alarm vibrated and vibrated, getting louder and louder, shrieking ‘Jitterbug’ by Wham until I drag myself out of bed and wearily slump across the dark room. I attack the glowing snooze button with far more malice than necessary. Lord knows what would happen if I was forced to get up at half six every weekday to a less cheerful song.
Reluctantly I look at myself in the hall mirror. My hair once again taunts me in its natural untamed state and my once neat eyeliner has spread into panda rings around my bleary and half shut eyes. Vaguely I remember why my hair is as tangled brown waves upon the ghostly white shore of my cheeks. I grin silently to myself as I begin my morning routine.
My anticipation of today grows rapidly as the car pulls into the school gates I had stood helpless in the night before.
“Elliot?” Several people run up to me asking, mouths wide open, gaping like goldfish.
“Yeh.” I mumble trying to get squeeze in the gaps between them all fairly unnoticed. Perhaps I’ve made a horrible mistake. I can feel all the laughs people are going to get from this, especially since it was a person like me, this would be diamond dust for some people.
The day went by and I still didn’t see him. I perhaps even wondered if he was in. To say I payed any attention through the lessons of the morning would be a blatant lie.
I dreaded first break. Still there he stood grinning at me from down the corridor and I couldn’t resist naturally smiling back. I even began to giggle which is so UN-me it’s barely believable. He seemed to know exactly what I needed to calm and reassure myself of all this and before I managed to say hi his lips met mine and once again I was completely robbed of all other pressing feelings. As the kiss drew away I found myself looking over his shoulder into the face of a startled sixth former. The guy laughed and retreaded back into the sixth form ruin of a room with a damp problem and a falling in ceiling. Instead of horrible embarrassment I would have usually felt before never being able to look him in the eyes again I also laughed. It seemed in his arms I was incapable of feeling worry or anything in fact. Lunch arrived and as normal the prison standard of food was inedible, Juliana was just beginning her new role as our schools CCF contingent’s lower quarter master. A title which my sad immaturity, gained from ten years at a mixed independent school, found constant joy in sniggering at. I slumped off to where I normally do my thinking when I’m alone, a windowsill on the stairway leading to the locked clock tower. Nobody could see me, the long white windowsill was huge in depth and the view was good, a generally nice place to contemplate existence. Time to time a new drawing, sketch, set of ancient runes or poem would appear on the walls. See another reason I felt so calm here was probably it was also the window that angel of death always sat in, his poems and quirks that lined the walls. Most I recognised as meaningful quotes from songs, others I think only a mind like that could have created.
“She told me you would be here.” I quickly snatched my earphones out, slightly hoping he wouldn’t hear any of my music. I didn’t want him thinking he was with the insane metal head. Too late he picked up an earpiece. I winced expecting him to throw it down in distaste and ask me what the hell I was listening to. The disgust didn’t come. Instead he smiled and flicked the I-pod onto something with a heavier guitar line and sat with me.
So we sat and talked, just talked for ages. It was so incredible for me to be this completely relaxed around someone, especially someone I didn’t even know too well. We moved down to the bottom of the old wooden staircase when the sun got too high thanks to the beginning of summer. Still it was on a third floor corridor and a quiet one at that. It only had one classroom on it.
This is how that week flew by. The expression “On the wings of a bird” does not quite work for me. It seems all to slow in this context. Birds can stop when so ever they choose; time doesn’t no matter how much you want to preserve it.
It took us until the next week until things started to progress more between us. I still didn’t want him to meet my parents. Not that I didn’t want him at my place. I just didn’t want everything he would go through with them. As a result he hadn’t yet seen my house. I was a little hesitant to show him, considering his house was around three times the size and on a golf course.
That weekend we went our separate ways. I went to a navy camp and he an army one. We never stopped texting each other and at one point the conversation got a little saucy. Well it would have done. I wanted him to know I was interested in that kind of thing, flirting heavily and progressing the relationship slowly, but he was so tiered at the time he had no idea what I was saying. He awoke with his phone in his hand, fully clothed and realised what I was on about.
Still the next day it was school yet again, he was like a bull set lose realising I wasn’t always such a good girl. I’m not a hoe to make it clear I was actually stepping out of my own lines a little by flirting too badly with my own boyfriend. I was glad for the first time in my life of the dreaded monthly curse. Once when I was small I was told by a very old drunk uncle; “Never trust something that bleeds for seven days and doesn’t die.” I had no idea what it meant at the time but it stuck in my mind for some reason.
This meant he couldn’t move too quickly. Soon he learnt how I like to progress and the relationship slowly stepped up a little, nothing serious. Each day I felt more and more attached to him, the more I learnt the more I began to love, we had so much in common it got a little insane at times.
Then we got caught. Zara’s (another close friend) boyfriend was sitting in my windowsill and caught us. The whole school knew within a day which was the begging of the end. Suddenly we became distant; I knew what was coming when he joined me on the stairs as normal. He wasn’t looking me in the eyes and I knew him well enough to see straight into the next twenty minutes.
“I think you should sit down.” I can still hear that ringing round my head and it was months ago.
I am still proud of my own strength; I suppose it didn’t hit me until the next day what had happened. Like a cut to the skin after a fall I didn’t feel the tare at first, it took the sight of blood to make it hurt. To see him just killed me, he didn’t even really explain why it all ended either, I heard several versions each as confusing as the next. A downward spiral didn’t quite explain what I felt. It wasn’t the loss of him as a love that killed me; it was just the sudden loss of him as a person. You see someone every day, hold them every day, tell them you love them every day, and then suddenly they are gone.
Awkward was still not the right word for around a week later we met in the corridor. Unintentionally as we had both been avoiding each other quite successfully for the last week. The longest corridor in the school, alone, walking towards each other with no other direction to go in. Every step echoed ominously across the wooden floor as slowly we grew closer. We both tried to watch the other to check if they were looking yet without trying to be seen. Neither of us said anything but it gave us both quite a bit to think about I guess.
All I wanted was to be able to talk to him again, I was nowhere near over him so this probably wasn’t too good an idea but I figured it would hurt less.
Then came something I never expected, still I’m unsure what to think about it. Did he mean it or was he bored. He wasn’t the kind of guy to do that but I’ve learnt since he would find what he wanted and take the most destructive path to it, never consciously. Still I can’t believe he would mean to do that deliberately.