This is why I hate squirrels.

Once upon a time, there was a carefree, nature-loving little girl by the name of Ana Cristina. When Little Ana Cristina was about eight years old, she was invited to her friend's birthday party. It was to take place at Amelia Earhart Park. Little Ana Cristina was very excited to go because she loved parks and playing in the outdoors.

This would soon change.

Little Ana Cristina had a blast running around with her friends and eating cake and cookies. As she was running past one of the highest trees in the park, something in one of the lower branches caught her attention.

It was an adorable little squirrel!

Little Ana Cristina oohed and aahed over the adorable little squirrel. She resolved to make it her new best friend. This was to be her first mistake.

In her resolve to make the adorable little squirrel her new best friend, Little Ana Cristina cooed to the adorable little squirrel, saying, "Come here, adorable little squirrel. I won't hurt you." This was her second mistake.

What Little Ana Cristina didn't realize was that the adorable little squirrel had no intentions of becoming her new best friend, and what was more, he didn't believe her promise of not hurting him. As a result, it morphed from adorable little squirrel into fricking scary squirrel.

Little Ana Cristina was fricking scared, as you can imagine. She started backing up away from the tree and away from the fricking scary squirrel, planning to get as far away from this fricking scary squirrel as she could. But the fricking scary squirrel had other plans for Little Ana Cristina.

Plans that involved defying gravity.

Little Ana Cristina was astonished. She'd never seen a squirrel take flight before. She couldn't help but stare. Unfortunately, the valuable time she lost in staring up at the gravity-defying squirrel was time she could've would've should've spent running away from the squirrel. Because it was headed straight for her head.

Little Ana Cristina had no time to do anything but scream, so she did!

Alas, the fricking scary squirrel/gravity-defying squirrel took no mercy on Little Ana Cristina, despite her piercing screams. Instead, he landed right on Little Ana Cristina's head!

Little Ana Cristina screamed even louder. Glass windows within a 500-mile radius were shattered as a result.

No amount of screaming, however, was budging the fricking scary squirrel now firmly planted on her head. It was time for more drastic measures. Time for action, for brave deeds.

Little Ana Cristina knew what she had to do.

So she acted.

Little Ana Cristina grabbed the fricking scary squirrel right by the tail and flung it as far away from her as she possibly could. And for a second time that morning, the fricking scary squirrel defied gravity.


Little Ana Cristina was now free to run as far away from the fricking scary squirrel as she could. So she did.

As she ran breathlessly back to her friends, she heard a curious sound behind her.

A splash.


To this day, Little Ana Cristina does not know if that splash she heard was the sound of the fricking scary squirrel landing in the lake. But she fervently hopes it was.

The End.

The End

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