The next time I saw her was the time I kissed her.
As we lay together on the couch in the stillness of the night, my heart and soul felt calm and right and I knew that wherever she went, I would want to follow. Maybe I was mistaking totally plutonic feelings, but whatever it was (and is), it was (and still is) extremely powerful and euthoric. Can a friend make you feel like they have put a ball of bright light inside you, which soothes and caresses and makes you feel whole? How about a soulmate? Is it possible to have more than one soulmate, so that you can feel you are meant to be with one person when they feel they are meant to be with someone else? Either way, I am digressing, but whatever the case, I do not regret kissing you, Vee. Off topic again, but if i ever come back into existence, I hope it is into a world where anyone can show affection to anyone else (especially when someone looks like they need some) and not be judged because of it.
Have you ever had a moment that you never wanted to end, that you wished time would freeze or even that your brain would crash like a computer, with the moment forever burned into the present? That was my moment; Me and my Morroccon Schoolgirl, if only for one night.
That night wasn't just about me 'trying it on' with Vee, however. We spent a hgreat deal of time talking about everything and nothing and all inbetween, racing against the speeding time to say things you never say to someone you only recently just met. Put two people together, both extremely honest and open minded, and allow them hours and hours alone, and they will get through alot of private and personal things. Not the weather or favourite ice cream toppings, but those wonderful personal things that matter.
I confirmed (and i say confirmed because I almost believed I had imagined the previous conversation) that she was planning to kill herself, and that she was to do it on her birthday. I listened and attempted to understand as best i could (armed with both empathy and the knowledge that no one can ever know exactly what someone else is going through) and found that we were both very similar in this line of thinking, with the exception that she had taken a more proactive approach.
And no, I didn't try to talk her out of it, saying "but things will get better" because who says they will? And even if they are to get better, is it even worth it? As i wrote earlier, sometimes some people just get to the stage where they are tired of life... it beats them down alot harder than someone else. Naturally happier people will not be able to comprehend this, and i am not the best at explaining myself, but i have had the fortune (if it can be called that) of having both a ridiculously happy life (where even when awful things happened, they didn't affect me at all and i sailed through with a smile on my face) and the constantly unhappy life, so i can compare the two ways of thinking, and know they dont correlate. I cannot even find ways to fake feeling as happy as I used to back then, it was a lifetime ago.
From the social normal view of "you must live, and if you want to die, you must still continue to live and suffer whilst trying to find a spark of happiness every now and again" I say... well, i'm not going to say, as i'll have to tick the maturity filter. We all have our seperate lives, and no one should have any control over anyone else, be it to kill them or to prevent them killing themselves. I know sometimes people have temporary bouts of sadness and depression and can rise up to total happiness again, but not me. And i don't think Vee believes she is like that either. But i digress once more.
Hearing Vee choose a deadline for her life's last breath got me thinking about my own. It started subconsciously at first, but the other day when it came to the surface of my consciousness, i realised it was already well thought through. I wanted my date to be on her birthday too, in the hope that we could do it together, so neither of us would have to be alone or afraid at the end. And to be honest, aftre meeting her, i cannot see life being able to continue if she left. She is the most wonderful of people, and it hurts alot to know that she is this way. What I would give for her to have the happy carefree life that she deserves.
I wasn't out to steal her thunder, or to even follow her soul as we both left life, even though that would be something i wanted (Had anyone ever made me so instantly feel complete, alive and normal?) If she wanted to float into none existence alone, i would respect that... i wasn't there to gatecrash whatever moment was there at the end. I just know that I would be too afraid on my own, and if I could bring comfort to her in any way, then all the better. I could ask her for a hug before the end and feel electricity jolt through my heart one last time before it stopped beating, and look into her eyes and show her that everything is okay, our pain is about to end forever. Forever on the date of