The Ugly Word

Me venting out and finally opening myself about issue I have. And trying to, in a way send a message to not give up.

Depression. 

One word and it is so ugly in our society. Massively ignored and not understood. Also, a reason why I was not on Protagonize for so long. Because after fighting the never ending war with depression for few years now, I finally started to let depression paint my world in black. No, not even black and white. Just black. 

In a way, this is my confession. Yes, I am depressed. And as of today, I want to do something about it, apart from it slowly destroying pieces of me that I love. Apart from ignoring the problem and going through the motions. For most of the life, I just tried to help everyone else around me. This is the first time that, in my eyes, I will be selfish and focus on myself. 

For years I tried to mask how I was feeling with my sense of humour. But that worked only for some time. I can see that I became more negative and just bitter about life. My optimism flew away somewhere and I want it back desperately. Because how I feel and behave now? I know that is not real me. 

I’m going to try and meet my University lecturer this week and tell him about how I feel. And then make myself do things that are long overdue; writing, editing novels, reading, getting a radio show. 

I want to get my novel published! No more my sadness will make me doubt my ability to write and make me feel like it is all just not worth it.

I will try to apply for University radio show with my friend that I made during the course. I will aim for my dreams to become a radio presenter. Because only I can fight for my dreams. 

Books are looking at me with angry faces! I am sorry! I promise that I will start reading more. After all, you can only get better at writing by reading a lot. And it used to be my biggest passion. I want to come back to that. 

So many photography projects I have planned! And this time I will actually execute them. 

Most importantly... I want to write! To get in a romance with my biggest passion again and to kiss it passionately because it helped me to get through so many rough times.

This whole thing was me just venting out to the world… but also I treat it as a message to people who are depressed. You are not alone. You are all beautiful. You are all capable of amazing things. You are all unique. Never doubt that. 

Depression, you will not defeat me. 

The End

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