The Procrastination OutletMature

Okay, I'm really sick of working. As in sack essays and calculating the planar vector velocity of particle P with relation to particle Q. So every time I feel like wringing the proverbial neck of mathematics or chemistry I shall be here writing lovely things instead... >:D
And if anyone else feels the need to join then be my guest, I shall leave this collaboratively open.

What Am I writing about?
Well, to be honest I've no idea I'm just more inclined to be writing than to be studying the wonders of fundamental forces in physics. Jesus I'm so bored. Aaand >guitaaarrr solo< Yes I have my earphones in. It's probably not helping my rich vein of procrastination. If I were a tragic hero that'd be my fatal flaw. That and my selfish introverted, narcissist nature. Actually that's not entirely true. While I have those tendencies I'm not quite so bad as all that. Though I do get self absorbed, whether in reference to myself or simply thinking about this and that. I probably do spend too much of my time in my mind. I'd like to see myself as someone who does rather than thinks but that's clearly not true. I always have a plan, even if it's a totally momentary plan that I came up with on the spot, it's still a plan. I'm not purely impulsive enough I reckon. It stops me enjoying smaller things in life while I'm always planning ahead for the next step, searching for the bigger picture. My long memory isn't helpful with that either given that I'm always looking at what's happened in the past and drawing links and conclusions which are often entirely incorrect. And see I am just talking about myself now. So I guess I am just introverted and constantly self appraising.

Even in the rain I want to be by your side! >More guitar solo<

Ahh good lyrics. Gotta say love sucks ass when you're not in it and everyone else is. Well, that's not strictly true. It's sweet when your friends are all happy and joyous and shizz. You just get sick of missing out on it after a while. And hey, what sort of good friend complains about their friends' happiness? Not I that's for sure. At least not where they can hear me. I don't know if that's a right or wrong thing to do though. Pent up emotion is never a good thing. Makes me stressed and angry. But forcing my misery on people I care about purely because it'd be better for me? Well, I don't go on about it all the time but I've done my share of sharing. I guess I'm afraid to admit my feelings and stuff. Curse of being a male. I also don't want to admit quite how much I'm hurting because I'll feel so weak and loserly. I am aware that's not actually a word so there's no need for the spellcheck red underlined thanks. On top of that I'm slightly afraid of my friends' reactions and if they'll understand or not. I gotta say the "Get over it" reaction is one reason I don't confide much. I feel so alienated when I try to explain and people just don't connect. I know it's not their fault but still...

But where there is love there is inevitably hate. Somewhere along the line it has to happen. They live within one another. I feel so bad for saying it but I really really really really really wish I could take a free shot and just smack the crap out of him. I'll never do it. It'd be horrifically ungentlemanly and unfair on top of that. Well, would it be unfair? I'm not going to go into it in case I manage to convince myself that it's actually OK... But seriously, if I had a chance, if anything at all happened, I'd probably abandon self control and go apeshit. For like five seconds. Then I'd regain control of myself and I'd be back behind the mask, back to the words I'd thought out, back to the responses I'd calculated. Then... Well then I'd feel no better at all.

I want to take all my 'thankyous' and send them to you in this song!"

It's still the same song. Fourth time I've hit replay? Maybe more? Ahh jeez, I wish I had better control of myself. No I don't, I wish I had less control of myself. Maybe then I would've been happier a long time ago. Because I'm always denying myself what I want because I tell myself it'd be wrong. If I'd made it clear quite how I'd felt before then I'd probably not be in this situation. But hey like a special idiot I let it go because I was considering the feelings of someone who gave jack shit about how I felt... >said the introvert< Okaay that's all I'll moan about for now. That's enough self deprecating misery and self examination. Lalala. I think I'll write something actually creative now. If this were a personal statement it'd be a lot of characters over...

The End

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