This piece was written during my sister's recovery from anorexia. I read it aloud during family therapy; it made her cry.
Letters for My Sister
The day I found out about you and your eating disorder
I felt like I had to save you - even though that wasn't my role.
I was very aware of the tension, so I tried to smile alot.
I tried to be upbeat for the family, and I tried to keep you safe.
I wrote out lists of reasons why you should keep on living.
I wrote you letters. I poured my heart into poetry.
I asked how God could do this, then remembered it wasn't His choice.
I asked how you could do this, then remembered it wasn't your fault.
I always knew what happened to you wasn't solely because of me.
But I'd think back to things I should've done differently.
We sent you to rehab when we knew things just weren't looking up.
As we drove away, I wondered if there was really any hope.
I stressed about you dying, and knew that if you did,
There were so many things I could've done to keep you living.
I thought if I cried, I was being weak.
I wanted to be strong for you, so I kept my tears in check.
I tried to act like I knew everything was going to turn out fine.
I played the part of an optimist - I was the first to comfort, last to cry.
When we got on the airplane to take us back home,
I felt like half of me was back in Arizona [where the rehab was].
I don't think I've ever needed God as much as I have during this.
He is the only solid Being in this chaotic world.
God began to work in you. Soon, you called us, your voice vibrant.
You told us you wanted to recover; you said you'd found God again!
These past weeks, you seem to shine with an uncontainable radiance.
You laugh and love to live. You're confident in God.
I could write a thousand pages, but it still wouldn't be enough
To tell you how dear you are to me; how glad I am to have you back.
I love you more than life itself; you're my closest friend.
I don't think anyone could ever be prouder of their sister than I am!
I love you!