The PromMature

(That night at the Prom, half of Mortdale has turned up, where the gym hall has been converted into a dance floor, with dining tables… a DJ stand etc…) 

Gordon: (on the DJ stand): Alrite! We gonna be turning up the heat! Get ready some raving tunes…!

(He turns on "My Heart will go on" by Celine Dion, where people start dancing romantically and slowly too) 

Aaron: (Next to Gordon): Raving tunes? Raving tunes!? 

Gordon: It was either this, or !I will always love you" by Whitney Houston. I had to choose one or the other, I WAS UNDER PRESSURE ALRIGHT! 

Chantelle: Well are any good beats coming up.

Gordon (regaining himself): Oh yeah, just you wait.

Charmaine: Where the fuck are Jack and the others? 

Chelsea: Said something about getting ready.

Chantelle: Why bother? I just came naked, because it's obvious were all just gonna go and fuck each other later. I'm just pre prepared and I don't want my clothes covered in cum.

Charmaine: Smart move bab.

Helpless TA: Oh you wear clothes? When? Because I've never seen this.

Chelsea: (changing the subject completely): So anyhow Helpless TA, do you wanna go out and dance?

Helpless TA: No! One, dancing in a chain is difficult! Two, it's with you and you probably don't know how to dance! And three, I generally despise you! 

Chelsea: What? Auntie? 

Chelsea dumb aunt (who is standing next to her): What Chel?

Chelsea: What does De…? Prise mean? 

Helpless TA: DE-SPISE! How hard is that to pronounce!

Chelsea dumb aunt: (Thinking hard): I think it means… she loves ya.

Helpless TA: I MEANS I HATE YOU!

 Chelsea and her dumb aunt: What? 

Helpless TA: I GIVE UP!  

(Just then Jack enters dressed in a black tuxedo) 

Charmaine: WTF, is he wearing!? 

Aaron: Looks queer.

(Jack approaches them) 

Jack (to Charmaine): Let's get this over with then.

Charmaine: I ay touching you in that, in fact (loudly so everyone can listen in) YOU CHEATED ON ME! THIS DATE! YES THIS DATE AFTER WE DANCED FOR HALF AN HOUR… DIDN'T WE…!?

Jack (catching on): YEAH WE WERE SO GOING OUT! BUT WERE BREAKING UP NOW BUT SO HAD EACH OTHER AND WERE DATING! AND WE WERE NOT ALONE AT THE PROM! 

Charmaine: NO WE WEREN'T! WE WEREN'T ALONE! (In normal voice) Alrite, fuck off now.

Jack: Gladly (Walks off and sits down alone) freedom.

(Meanwhile Priest is the centre of attention, waltzing Suzanne across the dance floor) 

Priest: I SEE YOU BABY! SHAKING THAT ASS! SHAKING THAT ASS! 

Suzanne: Well I'm having a blast but… 

Priest: You want me… I know you do.

Suzanne: Well no… and to soften the blow, that women is rubbing your crotch right now.

(Priest looks down and sees that Margaret Wellington in a tight red dress) 

Priest: Well hello… 

Miss Wellington: Hello you sexy stud.

Suzanne (puzzled): Wait you're not on that drug too, are you?  

Miss Wellington: Oh how else was I gonna get a date?

Gordon: WHAT THE FUCK?! STOP STEALING MY DRUG! HOW YOU'D EVEN GET IT?! 

Miss Wellington: I'm a historical ninja… now come here you…

(She and Priest begin to make out on the dance floor) 

Chantelle: Never thought I'd live to see the day.

(Just then the Aldington family enter) 

Eric: Oh… well Margaret's got herself a catch.

Mrs Conrad: Imogen, act like that with that Danny and I will take action, now come on Eric dear, let's go laugh at the loners.

Eric: But don'T you wanna go dance…? 

Mrs Conrad: NOW! 

(Eric obeys and takes off with Mrs Conrad, while Imogen sits down waiting for Danny, Jack goes over to Imogen) 

Jack: Hi.

Imogen: Hey Jack, see you and Charmaine ended quickly.

Jack: Well I was not a loner, that's all that matters.

Imogen: Okay then, was Danny ready before you left? 

Jack: Well… 

(Just then Danny and Zsa Zsa enter) 

Zsa Zsa: (In see through silver dress): Wilhelmina and Florence won't be too long folks! Now Mr Rayne… where are you? 

Mr Rayne: Over here love.

Jack (open mouthed): Y-you asked Mr-Mr Rayne?   

Mr Rayne: Well I needed somebody and I ain't too old for a bit of loving.

Zsa Zsa: Neither am I, now come on… 

Jack (too Imogen): I'll be hiding under the table for the rest of the prom, so I can't be identified when my mother… does things. Bro and Imogen tell me when it's over.

Danny: Sure thing (Jack hides himself at these words as Zsa Zsa begins to strip on the dancefloor) 

Danny: I don't think Mr Rayne will be forgetting this any time soon.

Imogen: Hell no… still, shall we? 

Danny: Of course…

(They head to dancefloor) 

Imogen: Oh and watch out for mum, she's watching us.

Danny; Relax ain't nothing gonna stop me from staring at your pretty face.

Imogen: Awwwwww… 

Chantelle (overhearing this): Ugh…

(Meanwhile Danny tries to dance with Imogen, repeatedly staring over his shoulder where Mrs Conrad is glaring at him; he gulps and carries on just as Alan enters…) 

Alan: A-anyone s-seen Melody? 

Priest: AY HERE YET! 

Alan: Right… 

(Meanwhile Mr Tedious, who is very drunk stumbles up to Priest) 

Mr Tedious: OI! YOU! Get your wrinkly hands off my wife!

Priest: Oh wow you've got up to talk to me, you've made effort. But alas, you've had a little too much to drink Harry, I'll just… 

Mr Tedious: NO! I've always loved Margaret… I just have't had the… BALLS! The balls! To admit it! Now priest, piss off, you ay getting any… but I am!

Miss Wellington: (high on Gordon's drug): You love me Harry? Whoa, yesterday I had my cats, now I have two men after me… what is going on?

Suzanne (being laughed at by Mrs Conrad): I could say the same! Fabulous news reporter, aged 26, sitting right here by herself, ditched by her date, from some chick older than her! Um hello guys, I am right here! 

Mrs Conrad: Well you didn't want Priest, this is what you get.

(Meanwhile Mrs Layton's date is her husband) 

Mrs Layton: (Blabbering on to him): I mean everything is going tipsy turvy, I mean Margaret has got two men fighting for her, Harry has actually put effort into something… well someone. That good looking news women is by herself, but other than that I reckon everyone else is about the same.

Aaron: Gord, your drug is making this prom a helluva lot more interesting.

Gordon: It's created a love triangle, fuck me… I am making this prom!

Charmaine: Not with them terrible tracks you ay, now turn on a tune so I go on the dancefloor and pull myself a real guy.

Chantelle: Anyhow come on Aaron, you… me backstage, for a shag now.

Aaron: Alright then, we have been getting to it a bit late.

Helpless TA: A bit late? Not everyone's arrived yet! 

Chantelle: Exactly, need to be in full flow when everyone does.

(She and Aaron go backstage, just as Melody enters, her blonde hair is not frizzy for once, but straight and slick and she's wearing a purple dress which shows off her curves) 

Alan (love-struck): Mel-mel-mel-mel-mel- Mel-on-hee… 

Chelsea: It's Melody, how fucking hard is that to pronounce? 

Alan (drooling): Po-tounce… 

Chelsea: Dear me… what a retard.

Helpless TA: And thanks to my teaching, she learns to pronounce two words correctly! MAYBE THERE'S HOPE FOR ME AFTER ALL! 

(Melody approaches Alan) 

Melody: Hi, so you want to dance? 

Alan: I... i… i... i… I…i…i…i…i…i…i…i…i…I (faints) 

Melody: Is that a no? 

Alan (Getting up instantly): No… I mean no… it's a yes… y-yes… I'd love to dance with y-you.

Melody: (smiling) Good, hello, my uncle seems to be getting into the spirit of things, get my pun Alan? 

Alan: Ye-yeah… you seem r-relaxed.

Melody: I just feel happy… here let's waltz… 

(As they do Joey and Daz Enter)

Joey: Wilhelmina not here? 

Danny: No I told you the smell was too bad, she bailed! 

(Joey glares at him as Imogen does) 

Imogen: Can you give them a break? 

Danny: It wouldn't be any fun if I did.

Imogen: You're so sweet to me and I love that, but why do you hate everyone else? Why? 

Danny: Ain't a lot of people I trust.

Daz: Well here we go… (Sees Pond and Lake humping on the Dancefloor) upstaged by my dog, brace yourself for public humiliation… 

(Suzanne sees Daz is alone and sees their dogs at it and the opportunity rises and she takes it) 

Suzanne (rushing up to Daz): There you are love… come on let's get on the dancefloor.

Daz: WTF… You're not my… (Can see everyone is staring) oh… I mean yeah, you're my date alrite. I mean our dogs are fuckin' why don't we, hey?

(They proceed to the dancefloor) 

Suzanne: (whispering in his ear) Okay hold hands and smile and act like a couple, we can't stand each other, but it's either this or the loner corner, with Mrs Conrad laughing at you… you get where I'm coming from?

Daz: Yes… still what happened to Priestie boy? 

Suzanne: (pointing to Miss Wellington): That happened.

Daz: Upstaged by her?! Fuck me!

Suzanne: I know right.

Daz: How embarrassing.

Suzanne: Says you… you were about to be upstaged by a dog.

Daz: Not my fault, my girlfriends keep dying.

Suzanne: Yeah well, so do my Cameraman boyfriends, so were in the same boat here… hang on a sec… you're in a suit.

Daz: Yeah… so is everyone.

Suzanne: You ain't bold, you got hair… blonde hair like you Cousin Greg.

Daz: Problem with my new look?

Suzanne: No… just… different.

(Meanwhile Wilhelmina enters) 

Wilhelmina: BITCHES GET MY ALCOHOL READY! I'M READY TO PART-EE TO-NITE! 

Joey: Willie, over here! 

Wilhelmina: JOEY! HOW YA DOING?! 

Joey: Great… wow, yew is looking incredible.

(Wilhelmina is in a dress, for once, her hair is not covering her face and she can be classed as attractive) 

Wilhelmina: Not for long.

Joey: No seriously… yew look stunning.

Wilhelmina: Well thanks… still you ready for good times? 

Joey: What? Hell yeah!

(As they go off, Sasha enters) 

Sasha: GORDON HARRIS! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE! 

Gordon (to himself): Shit.

Sasha: BOI! 

Gordon: (going up to her): So ya fat cunt, ya ready to have you fucking mind blown? The fuck outta… 

Sasha (smiling): You know the sole reason I asked you out was to beat you up and humiliate you, so you could brought down a peg or two, but thanks to Wilhelmina, I've found someone who can make my night complete.

Gordon: And who could that be? My parents are dead, you ay got no one…

(A women emerges from behind Sasha) 

Random Slag in the Crowd: IT'S AUNTIE JEANA! 

Auntie Jeana: GAWR-DAN! WHY ARE YA TALKING TO THIS LADIEE IN SUCH A BAD MANNER, MAN! 

Gordon: Fuck! Aunt go the fuck away! people are staring!

Auntie Jeana: WHY DIDN'T YA TELL YA FRIENDS ABOUT ME!? YOU, MISTA ARE COMING TO LIVE WITH ME FROM NOW ON! 

Gordon: What no… I… 

Auntie Jeana: NOW COME OVER HERE AND LET AUNTIE JEANA GIVE YA A BIG OLD KISS AND SOME FAMILY LOVE MAN! 

Gordon: NOOOOOO!

(Sasha's life is completed, watching Auntie Jeana chase Gordon around the prom hall) 

Imogen: You lost your date for this, you know? 

Sasha: Who cares? Some things are worth it.

(10 minutes pass, before long Mrs Conrad is on the stage) 

Mrs Conrad: Okay, so greeting the lot of you who have turned up, so to put it basically, this prom was organised by officials to raise money for local hospices and the recovery of our destroyed Mortdale hospital, and… 

(She is interrupted by a loudspeaker…)   

Loudspeaker: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WELCOMING, THE ONE… THE ONLY…!

Mrs Conrad: Soon to be headless person, for interrupting my speech.

Loudspeaker… FLORENCE MCKINNEY! AND HER DATE GREGORY WINTERS! 

(There are fireworks, golden confetti, backing dancers and singers, horns going off all over the place after 2 hours of this, the doors are finally blown of their hinges) 

Loudspeaker: EVERYONE IT'S FLORENCE! 

(Florence enters in a big, fat, gypsy, wedding dress which is 10 foot wide and an eye catching pink colour underneath the dress, are dozens of lit bulbs, all decorated into patterns and she is covered in make-up and jewellery, her dress and lights have been stitched and arranged into patterns) 

Florence: HELLO EVERYONE! THY ART ARRIVED! I HOPE THIS WASN'T TOO MUCH! 

Danny: Oh no, it's very low key trust me.

Florence: Good now...

(She is about to walk in, but then her massive dress, gets stuck in door) 

Florence: Oh well… (Tries to shove herself forward, but still remains in place) 

Greg: You stuck? 

Florence: Yes, Greg darling, push me through.

(He tries but Florence is still stuck)

Greg: Florence, try and come back through the door.

Florence: I'm trying! 

Greg: Get out your dress then? 

Florence: MY ARMS ARE STUCK! I CAN'T MOVE! 

Greg: YOUR ARMS ARE STUCK?! HOW AM I MEANT TO GET IN! 

Mrs Conrad: And how are we going to get out? 

Florence: I don't know, you should have thought about that, before building doors this narrow.

Greg: Or maybe you should have thought about making your dress a little smaller and not ridiculously oversized? 

Florence: I wanted to create an impression.

Imogen: And the two hour intro, failed to do that? 

Florence: Well people needed to see me after the intro.

Joey: And now were stuck with yew at the door? 

Greg: Great… now what? 

(5 minutes later) 

Eric: I can't believe their demolishing the sides of the door, just to get Florence out.

Mrs Conrad: Well attention seekers, never learn.

Florence: Tis over between you and me Greg, by the way! All you've done is whine at me! 

Greg: I WONDER WHY! Still me and Florence didn't even make it through the front door before we finished.

Jack: Me and Charmaine lasted seconds, trust me, our's was worse.

Florence: Guess I made a real tit outta myself, hey? 

Jack: Too damn right you did.

Florence: Look Jack its prom and all and… 

Jack: Yes! For God's sake I'll get back together with you.

Florence (beaming): You can't keep apart from me, can you? 

Jack: I can… it's just I've got no one else and let's face it, we always get back together. You’re such a flipping idiot, but I just can't leave you, still, I'm annoyed at you.

Florence: (Smiling at him): Come here for a kiss, will you? 

(He tries to but the dress blocks him) 

Florence: Oh for fuck… 

(Meanwhile Gordon is back on the DJ, with Auntie Jeana watching his every move) 

Auntie Jeana: NO WAY MAN! DON'T YA DARE PUT ON THAT TRACK! IT'S INAPPROPRIATE! 

Charmaine: (From crowd): TURN IT ON! THIS SONG IS A BORING AS SHIT! 

Auntie Jeana: SHUT YA MOUTH! (Throws a mango at Charmaine's head, shutting her up) 

(Meanwhile…)

Mr Tedious: No… Margaret please come here!

Priest (drug wearing off)… no… Margaret!

Miss Wellington: OH SCREW YOU!

(Priest is left alone as Mr Tedious and Miss Wellington make out on the dancefloor, in front of everyone, amidst many Oooh's) 

Mrs Conrad: And now… (Spotlight falls onto priest and “all by Myself” starts playing)

Suzanne: I feel bad for him.

Daz: Aw well, Priest had his chance, he lost it.

Mrs Conrad: Such a pathetic spectacle of man.

(Meanwhile Alan and Melody are dancing alone) 

Alan (drawing courage): Mel… Melody… I need to… say something.

Melody: I think I know what is.

Alan: (Nervous): You do…? 

Melody: Oh yes… I don't need the spirits to tell me when a boy likes me, the blush… the stuttering… now please let us not waste any more time.

(Alan finally grows a pair and lunges at Melody and the two embrace for a deep kiss, which lasts well over a minute, when they break apart for breath…) 

Alan: T-that was… my first kiss.

Melody: Mine as well… is it official then? Alan Goth? 

Alan: Well y-yes were both different and I thought… 

Melody: Yes we are, that's why we are drawn to each other, I had feelings for you but I wanted you to make the first move… and so you did, you kissed me. So now I like you more than ever, so yes it is defiantly official.

(They smile at each other, as Florence is finally freed and Greg goes to sit next to Sasha) 

Sasha: Wanna dance then? We got no one else.

Greg: Sure thing.

Sasha (sighing): I know you don't like me in a loving way Greg and I don't see you as a lover at all, only as a friend… but I just feel like the ugly fat black girl here,  especially at this prom, I feel so lonely.

Greg: Don't worry about It Sasha, you got Gordon's aunt to tell him off, that was legendary, if a boy don't date you for that, then I'll date you myself.

Sasha: Thanks Greg… I'm sure the right man is coming... sorry for getting all deep on you like that, I just had to get it off my chest.

Greg: You got plenty of friends… in fact that guy is giving you the eyes.

Sasha: Oh yeah he is, sorry about this Greg, but I need to take my ass elsewhere, see you soon.

Greg: Yeah sure thing…

(Sasha heads off and Greg spots Charlie) 

Greg: Hey Charlie boy, how's it going? 

Charlie: Okay, my date's at the loo… still what happened to your date, Florence?

Greg: With Jack again, that was too obvious, still I'm alone now.

Charlie: Shame, anyone you actually do like.

Greg: There is one… (Lays eyes on her) but… nah, I don't think she feels the same.

Charlie: You never know, she might do…

(Just then they here a crash… and see that Chelsea is trying to drag Helpless TA to the dancefloor who is screaming in protest, Joey and Wilhelmina are drunk and pulling pranks on everyone and Imogen and Danny seem to be bickering much to Mrs Conrad's delight, while Jack and Florence reconcile on the dancefloor) 

Greg: Mad prom, hey? 

Charlie: Distracting enough I'll say, so that tape could get past.

Greg: It was disc actually, but yeah… I hope they did well.

(Just then a fuming Imogen crashes down next to Greg) 

Imogen (before Greg can speak): That flaming idiot! His just going around fucking, insulting people and paying less attention to me! I can't stand it any-more so I just walked off… god now I'm a loner!

(Charlie nudges Greg) 

Greg: Well… erm you know me and Florence are over as well, so you wanna dance?

Imogen (smiling): Oh… yeah, Florence is back with Jack. Well that was to be expected. (Short pause) Yeah I'll dance with you Greg, c'mon… 

(Beaming they both set out on the dancefloor) 

Danny (watching them): Pah! Who needs a date anyhow? 

Wilhelmina: OI DAMIEN! HOW IT'S GOING IN THE LONER'S CORNER!? 

Danny: FINE ACTUALLY! BESIDES, ALL I NEED IS MYSELF! 

Greg: (to Imogen): I guess Danny found his true love… himself.

(Imogen laughs and the two dance on into the night)  

The End

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