Greg: DANIEL! Were home!
(They hear humping from upstairs)
Joey (grinning): Wonder how he managed to deal with the family then?
Greg: I hope he didn't kill em, I thought he'd have mellowed up.
(They wait downstairs rather than walk in on Daz, as Lake walks in accompanied by another Pitbull)
Joey: Oh God, not another one.
Greg: Well howdy Lake, whose your friend? (Lake begins to hump the other Pitbull) well, girlfriend then?
Joey: Even Lake is in the valentine spirit Greg.
Greg: You're saying that, like I'm not.
Joey: Well you ain't, you've got that tape you're making ain't ya? and well yew and Florence, you obviously don't love each other.
Greg: That's obvious, but I wouldn't be alive right now if I rejected, or I would be in hospital besides, Florence and me, we'd make a great distraction, still what about yew cou-sen?
Greg: You and Wilhelmina. You're both a little crazy, but that's why I reckon you'd be good together.
Joey: Ah Greg, just yew wait. I've been dying to tell for her ages, I like her and tomorrow, at the prom, I got myself I real date, the way she back talks Danny and the way she doesn't give a flying fuck. Well, it's what I like her for.
Greg: Well look at us cou-sen, getting all deep like this; I thought you'd be more like Daniel and Lake here, getting straight to the point.
Joey: Back in Joisey, that would have been me, getting the girl to a private place and pounding her silly, but this town changed me… in the better for that sense.
Greg: What are you saying?
Joey: Well- this town is hard to live in, but come on, maybe that's for the best. I mean, the town brought at the best in me, maybe we need to go through these hardships, to make us better people.
Greg: Joey, who was the guy who had to lose his own dad, to save us and others from being blown to smithereens? Do you wanna go through choices like that? I understand where you're coming from, but eventually it all becomes too much for you to handle. Mortdale breaks everyone in the end, you either Rebel or conform, that's the way it is.
Joey: Right I'll remember that, I'm just saying… still…
Greg: Man I am going on and on lately, I'm starting to sound like Lucy, but rather than family I'm going on about what's best for this town.
Joey: Screw the politicians in parliament I say, in fact, my vote would go to yew cousin. Yew seem to know what yew is on about.
Greg: What, really?
Joey: Look yew were never a natural leader, but I dunno, yew just seem to lead everyone here.
Greg: Feels like a position that's been forced on me.
Joey: Well yew is getting good at it, just thought you should know.
Greg: Aw thanks Cou-sen guess you're not so much of a natural asshole after all.
Joey: So Greg, yew a virgin?
Greg: What? Well yeah, why'd you ask?
Joey: Just ammunition to tease yew with, when things starting getting too mushy for my liking.
Greg: (grinning) Okay so you're still an asshole.
Joey: I love riling yew up. So, if Florence wouldn't have asked yew… well forced yew, who would yew have asked?
Joey: I reckon I know.
Greg (blushing): Really, who then?
(Just then Daz and Jamz walk downstairs and Joey pauses mid-sentence and turns to face them)
Greg: Howdy Daniel and JAMZ WHAT IN ENTIRE NATION HAVE YOU DONE TO HER DANIEL!?
Daz: Gave her a bit of make-over.
Joey: A bit! (Jamz Burka is off, she is completely naked, but caked in make-up, with looped earrings on and a bellybutton piercing on, she is also holding a can of Carlsberg and is stumbling around drunk)
Jamz: Oh more sexy studs, they up for a fucking orgy?
Daz: To prim and proper.
Jamz: Fuck em then.
(Picks up a dildo from the nearby table and begins to play with it)
Greg: Erm, Jasmine…
Jamz: IT'S JAMZ! FUCKING HELL, GET IT RIGHT!
Greg (scared): Erm… okay Jamz, whatever happened to sex before marriage? And Daniel please tell me, you didn't kill her relatives.
Daz: Nah, just caught em and tied em up in that closet over there.
(Points at it)
Greg: Well, it beats the ditch.
Joey: The ditch?
Greg: You don't want to know.
Joey: Anyhow Daz, you raped her?
Daz: Well yeah, I doe see the problem.
Greg: It was against her religion! and it was morally wrong! How could you…!
Daz: I day go the full way actually! I thought, you know what I'll try to be nice for once cause Greg is in all, and then fuck she comes up to me!
Jamz: It felt so good when he was rubbing my fucking cilt, I wanted more… so I just thought fuck my religion… this is what I fucking want and we fucking did it and it was fucking brilliant, so now I know how to live, fuck arranged marriages, fuck being kept in the house all day and fuck that fucking burka! I am free women now! After sex I discovered booze and I feel like I'm queen of this world… and now I have dildo's…
(Muffled sounds come from the closet)
Jamz: SHUT THE FUCK UP MUM AND DAD! AND YOU COUSINS! YES ALL OF YOU! I'M GOING PUBLIC WITH THIS! SCREW THE SHAME I BRING ON THIS FUCKING FAMILY! AND GUESS WHAT ELSE…I'M CHANGING MY RELIGION TO… BUDDA!
Joey: Jee-zus I thought Wilhelmina was bad, but this, this just won the award of, I- can't- handle- my- drink.
Daz: Shut up the pair of ya, anyhow, you found dates for that prom then? Cause I'm taking Jamz.
Joey: Yew allowed to go?
Greg: Well Joey, parents and carers of pupils are invited, which should create enough mayhem at the prom, to make it hair raising and distractin' enough.
Daz: By the way yam saying it Greg, sounds like you two have dates.
Greg: I'm going with Florence and Joey is going with Wilhelmina.
Daz: What the over-dramatic bitch and the drunken hoe?
Joey: Sober now actually.
Daz: Sober hoe then.
Joey: I dunno why you disapprove Daz, yew was the one who said as long as it's got a fanny it passes, no wonder yew and Chantelle hooked up at one point with your standards. I'm glad I wasn't here to see that.
Jamz: Well you'll be here to see all this… (Begins to play with her new "toys")
Daz: Anyhow whose Lake's new friend (sees Lake humping the other pitbull) oh… hello looks like Lakie boy here has found himself a fit Pitbull to bang hey?
Joey: Lake is in the mood for Valentine's Day alright.
(There is a knock at the door)
Daz: Wonder who that could be?
(Opens door and Suzanne and her cameraman are standing there)
Jamz: Oi! What the fuck do you want love?
Suzanne: Nice to meet you too.
Daz: What the fuck am you doin' here you uptight bitch? We day do anything, so what the fuck do you need to report?
Daz: Then why is he here?
(Points at Suzanne's new cameraman)
Suzanne: His my date at that prom for White View, I want to make an impression if I'm staying in this town, get to know some of the *cough, cough* decent locals (coughs) notlikeyou.
Daz: Do you always date your cameraman in a short space of time?
Daz: Fucking serial dater.
Suzanne: Could say the same about you.
Daz: Yeah, but I'm not the type of guy, to sleep my way up the career ladder, unlike you.
Suzanne: At least I have a career and I'm not living of child welfare like you are, and claiming benefits for disabilities, that you probably don't have…
Daz: Doe fucking make assumptions like that, or I'll…!
Suzanne's New Cameraman: Dude we just came here because our Pitbull, Pond, went missing around this area.
Joey: Is this your dog?
(Points at Pitbull that Lake is humping)
Suzanne: YES! POND! POND! POND COME HERE GIRL! (Pond ignores her) Someone get that filthy stray off my dog.
Daz: That filthy stray is my dog .
Suzanne: Well I don't care, get it off my dog.
Daz: LAKE OVER HERE BOY!
(Lake ignores him)
Suzanne: Lake, that is a stupid name.
Daz: I could say the same about Pond, seriously Pond?
Suzanne: Lake is worse.
Joey: Does it matter? Yew both called them after bodies of water and they both sound stupid.
(Suzanne and Daz glare at Joey)
Greg: Why'd y'all even get a Pitbull Suzanne, doesn't seem like a move you would make.
Suzanne: Their great for protection and Pond here never attacks me… still over here Pond over here!
Joey: Pond and Lake, you're pets are both similarly named, they love each other and they won't let yew two pull them apart, true love I say. Maybe their owners are made for each other too.
(Suzanne and Daz look at each other)
Suzanne and Daz: Ugh no way!
Jamz (stumbling up to Suzanne): Get ya hands of my fella love… (Tries to slap her but misses) cause I'm the one made for him.
Joey: Maybe not, I mean don't Daz's girlfriends and Suzanne's cameraman, always end up dead? It's like a curse or something.
Suzanne's new Cameraman: Wait what…?
(Just then Jamz family break out of the closet)
Jamz father: FREEDOM! NOW COME ON! ALL OF YOU LET'S GRAB JASMINE AND LET'S GO!
(Jamz father grabs Jamz by the waist)
Jamz: OI! LET ME GO, YOU OLD FART!
Jamz father: No bloody way, you are coming home and…
(He gets no further, Jamz knocks over the table in the struggle and the box of dildo's spills all over the place, Joey, Greg and Daz are standing still so they don't go flying. Unlike Jamz and her family, who do, a startled Suzanne sees Jamz and her family tumbling towards her and dives out of the way just in time, as the tumbling family fall onto Suzanne's new cameraman, the load of them then roll out onto the road, dazed they begin to get their bearings again…)
Suzanne's new Cameraman: Were okay… were…
(Just then a large white lorry speeds past, crushing them all and killing them instantly)
Joey: Did yew even know his name?
Daz: Jamz? Fuck not again! Why the fuck, does this always happen to me? Right before the prom as well, I'll be lonely… and laughed at…
Greg: Ah shit, we should phone an ambulance and police to clear this mess up.
(He does, they arrive, clear it up, and leave)
Joey: Well that was quick.
Suzanne: And now I have no one to go with… and he was so nice… and his just gone like that. (Begins to sob)
Daz: Ah well you'll get over it like I do.
(slams door in her face)
Greg: That's no way to treat and comfort a lady.
Daz: Do I look like, I give a crap about what you have to…
Greg: Treat a single lady, and you are now a single guy.
(Daz opens the door and drags Suzanne in, by the second)
Daz: So want to get to know each other? (before Suzanne can reply) I see you need somewhere to cry... alright then… cry on my shoulder. (before Suzanne can reply) What's that? You want to go to the prom with me? Well love I…
(Before he can ask, Priest bursts in)
Daz (irritated): Oh what now?
Priest: (Black man voice): SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU WIGGA!
Priest: White for Nigga (punches Daz in the face, as he falls to the floor Priest turns to Suzanne)
Priest: Hey there sweet thang.
Suzanne: Erm hello…
(Just then Melody and Gordon run in)
Melody: I told you we would find him here, the spirits led me.
Gordon: Whatevez, OI MATE! STOP SNORTING MY FUCKING DRUG!
Greg: Oh I see, that's why Priest is acting so…
(Priest's top is unbuttoned revealing his grey haired flabby chest, and his currently trying to woo Suzanne)
Melody: I guess he was just lonely after all these years of being a priest and being a loner, especially when it came to love, so when he saw Gordon's drug, I guess he took his chance and wanted to flip his personality.
Priest: So sugar mamma ,you wanna please an old sugar daddy? By taking it smooth at the festival of lurve.
Suzanne, Greg, Joey, Melody and Gordon: Wat?
Priest: Well come on, say something.
Suzanne: Well I guess I have no one else and you're strangely amusing, so yeah, I'll go with you, I guess.
Priest: YES! I'LL SEE YOU THERE NEWS REPORTA!
(He leaves smug with himself, as Gordon follows him demanding his drug back)
Melody: Awfully sorry about that.
Suzanne: No it's okay, I found my date then I guess…
(Melody then leaves; Suzanne grabs Pond and puts her on a leash)
Suzanne: Well that was an odd turn of events. Still, I gotta go, prom tomorrow should be fun.
Greg: Wait Suzanne, before you go, I need to tell you… I'm making this tape, to send to parliament, loads of people are in it, basically it's a tape were sending with our pleas to change this town for the better. Being a newswoman, you have presenting skills, will you...?
Suzanne: Add a bit, certainly.
Suzanne: (as Greg starts to record) Yes you guys in parliament ,may recognise me as Suzanne Reid the news reporter who reports from this town on a daily basis, and now I've been permanently assigned here and I can tell you, the town is living hell, nearly get raped by creeps on the streets on a daily basis, the services are, let's say in a nutshell awful. I end up losing my cameraman to all sorts like out of control things and I lost one today… so yeah, if you don't change things, I will make this a much more public appeal with my news segments. As for now, this is Suzanne Reid reporting out…
(Greg finishes recording)
Greg: That was brilliant.
Suzanne: Thank you, now don't mind me, I'll be off.
(She leaves with Pond)
Daz: You day tell me about this tape Greg.
Greg: I was going to, but other things got in the way.
Daz: Your plan sounds a bit shite to be honest. I woe embarrass myself in front of a load of pompous arseholes, with a plea.
Greg: Nice to know Daniel.
Daz: Anyway, I've got no one to go with now. Fucking hell, even Lake has a catch, I've had such a shitty day.
Greg: Happy Valentine's Day y'all!