Planet ParliamentMature

Act 5 

Imogen: Well, that went well.

Greg: We got P.E last.

Imogen: Great, with that Pedophilic coach, looking at my tits, when all we all do push up's… 

Chantelle: What tits? 

Charmaine: AWW that was well bad! 

Melody: Are you suggesting, he would look at your breasts instead, Chantelle?    

Chantelle: You say tits love, and yes, he would like to look at me.

Imogen: Look at what exactly, all I see is talking basketball.

Sasha (guffawing): Oh-no-she-didn't, she did not just go there!

Imogen: Oh she did.

Chantelle: Oh she is gonna get slapped… 

(They fight, before Sasha and Joey separate them) 

Sasha: Enough! Or else!

Alan: I s-suggest you stop… 

Melody: I seen the future, and we will get Imogen to distract the coach, as we go off to record our little tape, and it will not work. Imogen will be raped 5 minutes into the session and we will be found and brought back into lesson.

Danny: Stop speaking crap, Physic Sally.

Imogen: I was actually willing to do that Danny, if the group could make this tape.

Greg: Well Melody was right with the whole bus scenario, maybe we just trust her again.

Thomas: That coach, is probably a former rapist.

Greg: So, which other girl in this class, would be mad enough to distract him? 

Chantelle: Erm hello, I'd be happy to… 


Chantelle: I dunno just me and you in here, hey.


Chantelle: Who gives a shit. (rubs his crotch) come on sir, I know you want it.

Coach: But Chantelle… we nearly got caught last time!

Chantelle: Doe matter, we'll do it again.

Coach: Screw it then!

(They begin to have sex on the gym floor) 

(The rest of the gang is watching from the gym door, hidden from view) 

Sasha: Well damn, for once Chantelle is useful.

Greg: And the coach is distracted, so let's go! 

(They run on) 

Imogen: Hang on, what did the coach mean nearly got caught last time?

Alan: Good p-point… and she said she'd d-do it again.

  Imogen: Charmaine, do you know anything about this?

Charmaine (who was not listening): What?  

Imogen: You don't even care do you? 

Charmaine: Doe know, what you were saying, but yeah I don't care.

Gordon: Why the fuck, are we doing this again Aaron? 

Aaron: Dunno, something to pass the time, even if it is against us chavs. Besides it'll never work anyhow.

Sasha: I wouldn't place a bet on that.

Greg: Okay here we are… 

(They enter Zsa Zsa's art classroom) 

Zsa Zsa (teaching a class of year 8's): Yes and that is why… (Spotting the gang) oh hello what are you doing here?

Jack: Mum were here for… MOTHER OF GOD, SHOOT ME! 

(He has just seen that his mother is half naked and is standing, in a crouched position above a chavvy year 8 boy, who is lying on the ground also half naked with a smirk on his face) 

Zsa Zsa: Don't be alarmed son; this is merely a still portrait, that the class are painting.

(Cut to the disturbed year 8's, painting this horror show)   

Greg: Erm… okay sorry to butt in like this, but were making a tape, a tape to change this town! So Miss Henshell and anyone here who wants to speak to this camcorder and tell all the MP's of this country what you want, that's right were sending this to tape to parliament and changing this town forever! 


Jack and Danny: Shut your fucking gob!

(Jack and Danny then both grab an easel and wack it across his head, knocking him out) 

Jack: Yeah mum, sorry for that show of violence, but he was annoying.

Zsa Zsa: I'm more shocked of how alike you two were; guess you really are brothers after all.

(Jack and Danny look at each oddly) 

Jack and Danny: Erm okay.

Zsa Zsa: Still now his knocked out, the class can paint me, as I slowly remove the clothes and the fine human body can be painted in all its honour… 

Greg: So... you guys ain't interested in this then? 

Zsa Zsa: No they'd rather…

 All of the year 8’s: YES WE'LL DO IT!

(They rush to Greg) 

Zsa Zsa: Well they must really be fighting for their cause, to rank this above my lessons… oh the hell with it. I'll join in anyway… 

(A little later) 

Greg: So why do you want change? 

Year 8 Girl: I want to be alive when I graduate.

Year 8 Boy: Chavs scare me.

Year 8 Boy: Well getting on the bus is barbaric, for a start and then there is walking home… 

Year 8 Girl: I've been raped three times today, just for stepping outside my house.

Year 8 Girl: My Chavology skills are good, but I can't outrun them forever.

Year 8 Emo Boy: I hate my life.


Year 8 boy: I think Mortdale prison should be bigger… 

Zsa Zsa: (sitting like Sharon Stone in basic instinct) Well… I think (crosses legs) that a lot should be changed because things aren't looking too good here… (Crosses legs again) so we'll have to make them better (uncrosses legs revealing all) so yeah, that's me opening my soul up to you guys.

Imogen: Among other things.

Greg: Okay, thanks a bunch guys, you have no idea how much this will help.

(They leave the classroom) 

Jack: So far, this is coming across as plea, slash porno movie, no thanks to mum.

Greg: It'll have to do… (Gulps by the next door) okay let's get this over with…

(Enters Mrs Conrad's empty room) 

Mrs Conrad (looking up from her desk): Greg, why have you and the rest of your pathetic friends, decided to enter my empty classroom, interrupting my free period, with your irritable presence? 

Greg: Well… 

Imogen: Were recording something mum, something Greg is planning to send off to parliament, so the rules in this town will change, all you have to do is tell us how bad this town is. So the MP's will do something about it.

(Mrs Conrad throws her head back in laughter) 

Mrs Conrad: Oh… oh… that actually made me laugh… you actually think that is going to work? (Bursts out laughing again) 

Greg (humiliated): Well I have to try… just describe this town to the camcorder.

Mrs Conrad (serious again in seconds): Fine, for all of you pitiful, politicians, living on Planet Parliament, I will tell it you straight, yes look me dead in the eyes, as those of living on earth deal with the squalid conditions in these towns full of concussed thugs, who go around sticking their knife into anything that doesn't meet their fancy. So to fight back, I will stick my axe into them, yes even my pupils, the moronic, misfits, created by your ignorance, so if you don't want me on your hides, I strongly suggest you start paying more attention to the those you label as poor, because us poor people, will eventually have you at the end of knife blade. Oh and for your information, that means you won't have any of your beloved money, so take heed of my advice to you, I refuse to call it a plea, because I have power over you, the only thing separating us is distance, so yes it's my advice to you pompous, pigs!


Mrs Conrad (to Greg): Well, will that do?! 

Gordon (wiping away tear): So beautiful (odd stare from Ryan) nah fam, not like dat, like strong words innit.

Aaron: Well yeah blad, strong fuckin' words… 

Greg: This will do perfectly… thanks a bunch miss.

(He and the others leave her) 

Greg: That speech will have em quaking in their wellies! That was gold! Gold! Gold! Okay and now for Mr. Tedious! 

(They enter his lesson, where everyone in his class is asleep or dossing) 

Aaron: OI YOU!

(Mr Tedious wakes up) 

Mr Tedious: Whammya doing back here?  

Greg: Came to interview you, so Harry Tedious what is wrong with this town?

(Turns to him, only to discover he is asleep once again) 

Sasha: That lazy son of a… 

Chelsea: Why won't he wake up? 

Helpless TA: Now Chelsea, let's ask the bigger question, how do you manage to sleep and wake up in the morning, when you can't breathe without my assistance? 

Chelsea: Dunno miss, it's a puzzle ay it? 

Helpless TA: Your existence is a fucking puzzle.

Wilhelmina: And that's why I always say… FUCK LOGIC! You know if you overthink things, you'll drive yourself insane.

Helpless TA: A bit too late for that.

Danny: Ugh, weak minded minion.

Helpless TA: Well come on then hotshot, chain yourself to Chelsea too and I'll time how long it takes, until your sanity starts to crumble… 

Danny: Whatever, I don’t need a lecture from a loon.

Chelsea: CAN'T BREATHE! 


Melody: I do express sympathy for Helpless TA at times.

Alan: S-sure it’s not the spirits t-telling y-y-ou that (laughs weakly) 

Melody: No it is not, this is what I generally feel and although I tell you a lot of what the spirits tell me. At times I want to express my personality and it annoys me greatly, when people cannot take me seriously.

Charmaine: Well of course they can't, you going off on one about spirits, you sound like a raving, bloody, drunk.

Wilhelmina: Sadly enough I agree with Char, what's her face, on this one

Charmaine: It's Charmaine, why don't you memorise it?

Wilhelmina: Seeing as you don't bother to memorise, or care for anyone else, I thought a taste of your own medicine would be nice.

Joey: Now yew tell her Willie, see, this is why I grew to like you.

Wilhelmina: Joey, I could kiss you right now.

Charmaine: Please don't, I'm gonna puke.

Alan:  CAN WE GET BACK TO THE POINT! YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! (Stunned silence) Look I'm sorry if I offended you Melody, I know what's it like. I'm really nervous and I stutter a lot and people don't get to know the real me, so it can be hard to get what I really feel across to people.

Melody: You have your outbursts, which showcase what you really feel, a trait you share with Jaya Bui and Gordon Harris, but I accept your apology Alan. You are moulding into quite the man and a prom partner, I am enjoying to spend my company with.

Alan: (Hopefully): Y-you re-really mean that? 

Melody: Of course I… (They are then interrupted, by a loud snore from Mr. Tedious) 

Sasha: Well let's move on, we ay getting anything from him and his class looks half dead or asleep.

Greg: You're right, come on guys I know where we can find noise and activity.

(Florence opens her mouth)

Greg: No Florence, not you.

Florence: Goddamn it.

Jack: Still looking for attention, I see.

Florence: Thou are still looking for a date, I see.

Jack (blushing): Yeah well, I have standards I'll find a good date.

Florence (singing): All by myself… don't wanna be, all by myself… 

(At this point Jack is desperate) 

Jack (rushing up to Charmaine): Charmaine! Were the only two left in the class without dates, wanna go with me? 

Charmaine: Kay, whatever.

Jack (to Florence): See! There you go, got myself a date.

Florence: Pah! That is not a love based relationship; you're only going together so you're both not alone and humiliated.

Jack: I could say the same about you and Greg; you're only using him to attract attention.

Florence: Well…!

Greg: … it's exactly what I want, with Florence drawing so much attention to the prom, we can make it as cheesy and as loved up as possible, it will be advertised everywhere, chavs will show up and get rat faced, or annoyed at it. Whatever happens, they'll be distracted while we get the tape outta Mortdale. 

Thomas: You are aware, to get that tape to London, someone has to drive it outta here, and the chavs here wouldn't allow it to pass if they saw what was on it, they will check, or those higher people, they could work in the postal area and stop it from ever reaching the outside world.

Greg: Exactly, Thomas you can drive right? 

Thomas: Only just passed my test, being the child genius I am. I may only be 16 but I was allowed… 

Greg: Yeah we get the point; the night of the prom I want you, yes you Thomas, to secretly drive to London and drop off that tape, so that the MP's will see it.

Thomas: I'm sorry, so while you're all partying hard, at a loved up prom. I have to leave my date alone? Miss the night? To drive all the way to London, where I don't have a clue where I'm going, and then drop a random tape, on the front door of the house of commons, expect them to pick it up, watch it, they'll feel sorry for us and BAM! Everything changes?

Greg: Look, it sounds a little far-fetched, but… 

Thomas: A little! This is bang, right, crazy, Greg! I will never… 

Jaya: Relax Thomas, I will assist you, by travelling with you.

Thomas (instantly reassured): Okay then, I'm good. But wait a second, if you wanted to make the tape Greg, why don't you deliver it? 

Danny: Because you and Jaya are as boring as fuck and no one will notice if you're gone, whereas if Greg goes, the whole town will be in uproar, that explain it to you to dipshits? 

Thomas: Don't call me that, I am intelligent, I know I am.

Danny: Whatever, but that's all really. You have nothing else… 

Wilhelmina: And I suppose you have it all? Don't you Damien? The looks, the brains, the muscles and the generally loving, humble, personality.

Danny: Don't be jel Willie, not everyone is like me.

Florence: NOR ME! 

Wilhelmina: You know, I want to stab you in the head Damien.

Danny: Why? 

Wilhelmina: To see if a ton of hot air comes out, because right now your head is loaded with it.

Danny: Why you…!

Imogen: DANNY, STOP IT! (He is silent) for my sake can you please try to be nicer to people? You're beginning to drive me nuts and as much as I love you, you're… 

Danny: Now you're turning me on? That's what you meant to say.

Imogen: I didn't say that! Don't play the victim with me, or I'll…!

Danny: Do what! Hit me!? Go ahead, it'll make you look bad anyhow, with your hot head.


Chelsea: I'm developing this feeling in my head, I don't like.

Sasha: It's a headache from the train crash couple over there.

Jack: Wow, their topping me and Florence and that is saying a great deal.

Greg: Well guys were here… 

(They all look at Miss Wellington history class door) 

Helpless TA: Brace yourself Chelsea, you headache is only gonna get worse… 

Gordon (in squeakish voice): She scares me… (Coughs) em yeah she's a fucking nutcase.

Greg: But we need all the people we can get, to make sure this tape is a big success, (places his hand on the door handle and…) 

Chantelle (showing up suddenly): ALRIGHT GUYS!  

Jack and Danny: Chantelle, don't sneak up me like that, I think I had...!

Imogen:… a heart attaaaaaccccccckkkkkkk….! I think I had a heart attttaaaccccckkkkkkkk! (Stops singing at glares) alright I'm stopping… 

Chantelle: So other than that fucking awful cover of heart attack and Jack and Danny acting like possessed twins, rather than half-brothers what did I miss? Because the coach finished with me, like 5 minutes ago.

Greg: You missed a little bit still, we all ain't lookin' forward to this, but it has to be done…

(Sighs and then opens door) 

The End

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