(Cut to Uraz, in a hospital bed, as a door opens she lifts her head in hope)
Uraz: Daz? Is that you!?
(Instead, it's Kyle followed by a large gang of Black Crestors)
Kyle: Well hello, right then, time to deal with business here.
(They produce knives)
(Meanwhile at Florence's house)
Florence: That was an awfully intriguing tape.
Zsa Zsa: Yes it was… oh come on Jack, lighten up.
Jack: Sarah died getting these tapes.
Aaron: (Mocking his depressed tone): Sarah died getting these tapes.
Jack (enraged): She did a fucking valiant thing and all you can do is sit here... and mock her!
Florence: And all you art doth doing, is sitting around complaining.
Jack: Well what the fuck do you expect? Me to suddenly be all happy!?
Gordon: I got some gfrynmjuhskfuhdmnkghfunmfhbvnmfvhmuirjeuyhtjrfyudhjf that can sort that out.
Jack: Don't bother, it won't last.
Zsa Zsa: Wish I knew where you got your attitude from hon, I never knew your father… one night stand and he left, he must have been good looking though, for you to come out Jack.
Jack: Well thanks mum, maybe we can watch your video to find out.
Greg: Let's do that then!
Imogen: Alright… here we go…
(Suzanne presses play)
Mr Masterbate: So here we are with project 345, Zsa Zsa Henshell…
(They watch Zsa's Zsa's antics… until finally the day comes)
Zsa Zsa: THIS IS IT! THIS IS IT! THIS IS IT! I remember it! I was in this club, when I woke up the next morning… and then a few weeks later, bam I was pregnant.
Suzanne: Ssssh… here we go…
(Zsa Zsa is in the club, aged 40 showing everything off as usual, a man approaches her)
Man: Well hello.
Zsa Zsa (drunkenly): Hey there you sexy stud, who are you?
Man: Name's Alexander Flynn baby and you're so fucking mine.
(Pushes her into a small closet in the club, how Mr Masterbate manages to record this is anyone's guess, because it's shown from an aerial angle, in an extremely close space… Alexander Flynn rapes Zsa Zsa, who is too drunk to care or remember, he does not use protection and after he is finished, he zips up his jeans and leaves… leaving Zsa Zsa asleep on the floor as the video ends)
(Stunned silence in the room)
Jack: Alexander Flynn… Oh… my…
Chantelle: He was your dad? God he was fit, when he was younger, I guess that explains where you get your looks from Jack.
Jack: But if his my dad then… he was also Danny's dad which means... HOLY SHIT I'M DANNY'S HALF BROTHER!
(Florence faints and Chantelle starts whistling the Eastenders theme tune)
Imogen: Well, we learn new things everyday, don't we?
Zsa Zsa: So Danny is my Step-Son… my God.
Greg: This is why we watch the tapes, to find out about each other.
Jack: I wanted that to remain secret.
Priest: Yeah well, that wasn't gonna happen. so what's next? Is Chantelle related to us all?
Thomas: Most likely.
(At this point Ryan starts coughing violently)
Charmaine: What the fuck's a matter with you?
yan: My… chest… really… fucking… hurts…
George: Shit, you look like you really need to go to the hospital.
Sasha: No shit Sherlock.
Melody: The spirits are telling me to avoid the hospital.
Suzanne: The hell with the damn spirits, let's find out what's wrong with the lad.
(Turns on his video)
Mr Masterbate: Here we are with Project 568, Ryan Elrod.
(Suzanne fast forwards most of the bits ,that Chantelle yells are boring, Ryan grows up a typical chav until one scene that occurs…)
Ryan's mum: Erm, Ryan darling (Ryan is masturbating and not disturbed by his mother’s sudden appearance in his room)
Ryan's Mum: (Getting tearful): Ryan…
Ryan: Can you get the fuck out? I'm trying too...
Ryan’s Mum: (in outburst) Son… come downstairs! your father's just died!
(Very awkward pause)
Ryan: Oh. (Ryan's mum is about to leave)
Ryan: What did he die of!?
Ryan’s Mum: Lung Cancer darling, you know what he was like, smoking away… it's a curse of the Elrod family, apparently you're father and his dad before him have now both died of it. I hope you don't go in the same way, because I love you son.
Ryan: Ugh… (Shivers)
(Ryan’s Mum leaves the room, as she does Ryan pulls out a ciggie and begins to smoke it)
(Suzanne pauses the video there and pulls it out)
Suzanne: There you go then, problem identified.
Lucy: Ryan, didn't you learn a thing from your father dying, to avoid cigarettes because in your family there’s a high chance of dying?
Ryan: No… fucking… hell… this…
Imogen: But that makes no sense, how can you just develop Lung cancer in the time that Ryan has?
Alan: Oh well… b-back at the hospital, I heard that the deadlier symptoms such as the coughing, especially for diseases like cancer only come during the final d-days.
Ryan: How’d you even… know I have l-lung cancer?
Priest: It's kinda obvious kid, the amount you smoke...
Mrs Conrad: Gordon's drug, probably doesn't help matters.
Thomas: Ryan's dying, the tumour in his lungs will have grown too large to treat by now… the fact his chest is hurting and this coughing is a sign his body is failing him and he has days left.
Chelsea: But if he had cancer, why isn't he bold?
Thomas: That's caused by the medication, not the cancer itself.
Helpless TA: Forget trying to explain it to her, a tumour wouldn't even know how to grow in her body.
Melody (to Ryan): You my boy, are going to die in 6 hours.
Ryan (panicking): Doe fucking say that you cunt, I'll be... (Has a coughing fit and when he recovers, blood is drooling from his mouth) fine…
Aaron: Yeah mate, you're gonna be fine. I mean we've done everything together, since we were like fucking 5.
Ryan: Yeah (coughs) Imma be okay.
Mrs Conrad: It's fairly obvious his not going to be and Ryan's death, is this script's pathetic way, of trying to prove Aaron is human and has a heart deep down, and all that emotional bull shit.
Chelsea: Miss, stop breaking the fourth wall.
Helpless TA: Word hypocrite ring a bell with you Chelsea?
Sasha: Now come on y'all, I don't like Ryan that much, but we don't all have to be so insensitive and say his gonna die right in front of him.
Melody: You only say that Sasha, because you know he is going to die. I know the spirits have informed me.
Lucy: Melody, tell the spirits to be quiet there really rude y'know, like the one time my pet goldfish's, owner's, in Australia's dad's, brother's, youngest, daughter's, first husband's, dad said he could speak to spirits.
Greg: Damn, maybe we are learning too much for our own good.
George: I think we just stop now and forget this whole thing ever happened.
Joey: I dunno… maybe we should...
(Out of the blue, a phone goes off, everyone turns as Gordon tries to turn it off but in his panic he accidentally presses the loudspeaker so everyone can heae…)
Loud voice: GAWR-DAN its YA AUNTIE JEANA!
(Gordon ends the call there)
Chantelle: WTF, was that?
Jaya: Whoa, that was loud and that's coming from me.
Thomas: Gordon you have an auntie Jeana?
Aaron: Dude you're Jamaican.
Gordon: No… well I have Jamaican roots, but still.
Greg: See? This is the whole purpose of these videos, learning about each other.
Charmaine: All we've learnt so far is that Mrs Conrad cares too much for her family, Gordon is Jamaican and we didn't even learn that from the videos. We learnt that Jack and Danny are half-brothers… wait a sec… Jack shares Danny's DNA.
Jack: Yeah, I can't believe it.
Charmaine: Jack. you know you're fucking fit, right?
Imogen: She's only saying that, because you and Danny share 50 per cent of genes.
Charmaine: What the fuck? No I don't… it's just Jack’s single now… and I can take him...
Chelsea: But they can't be related… Danny's eyes are blue and Jack's are green.
Andrew: What a revelation.
Imogen: Chelsea, there's such a thing as different genes.
Helpless TA: Speaking of genes, what about your video Chelsea, I mean you live your aunt whose as daft as you, yet she isn't that dumb, she's immortal, so Chelsea, let's find out about your past.
Chelsea: Don't remember it.
Helpless TA: Bet you don't, knowing you, you're probably 200 years old, but you forgot how to age.
Chelsea: Ageing is hard alright! I can only do it sometimes.
Greg: Wait, are y'all saying…
Aaron: Well the fuck with that! Come on Ryan let's watch Gordon's tape already!
Ryan (weakly): Yeah… fam, turn it on!
Gordon (panicking as tape will reveal his true identity, as a none-chav) Nah man dat is private stuff, do it and I’ll… throw some gfrynmjuhskfuhdmnkghfunmfhbvnmfvhmuirjeuyhtjrfyudhjf. Wanna be Lady Ari and Auntie Why Why again?
Aaron: Nah fam, but come on we just wanna see your video.
Ryan: You saw me masturbating and I wasn't bothered.
Alan: It- was-p-partially, disturbing, though, how that creep recorded it without you noticing.
Zsa Zsa: I know right.
Richard: Nice point me-al-do's-do's everyone's agrees.
Alan: You're really not helping with my condition.
Priest: Oh come on lad, let's just watch your video.
Gordon: (panicking): NO!
(Suzanne grabs his tape)
Suzanne: Now don't be silly, we all have bad moments…
(Just then with no warning what-so-ever, Danny, Wilhelmina and Daz sprint into the house)