Teachers! Doing It For Themselves!Mature

Act 6    

(At the hospital, Danny and Wilhelmina, have just finished watching George's video) 

Danny: Well… shit.

Wilhelmina: How? How could he? 

Danny: He has to tell the others, right now!

Wilhelmina: I'm going to Florence's house, that's where they all were.

Danny: I'll come with… (Tries to stand up, but winces in pain and falls to the floor) 

Wilhelmina: Stab wounds hey? 

Danny: Fuck them… I can do this, it's just a bit of fucking pain, I can deal with it (tries to stand up but he clearly can't) 

Wilhelmina: Mr. Tough, has finally been undermined.

Danny: (panting): Have-not…

Nurse (approaching scene): What on earth is going on here? (To Danny) You! Get back into bed! (To Wilhelmina) YOU! Jesus Christ, just leave already, go home! 

Wilhelmina: I don't have a home, I'm homeless, I'm sure the rags, lack of shoes and hair are a bit of a give away.

Danny: You forgot the smell.

Wilhelmina: Bog off Damien, (back to nurse) but yeah, I'm homeless.

Danny: Oh Boo-Hoo! Do you think anyone cares? 

Wilhelmina: You should your homeless too.

Nurse: Wait, what? 

Danny: Yeah I'm homeless too.

Nurse (stuttering): Wait if you're homeless, then whose paying your hospital fees? 

Danny: What hospital fees? 

Nurse: Young man, I thought your parents would pay for you.

Danny: My parents are dead.

Wilhelmina (childishly): Oh Boo-Hoo! 

Nurse: Will you two quit boo-hooing each other, you both annoying the hell out of everyone here! So you're telling me Danny Flynn, you have no money? 

Danny: Well no, it's the NHS anyway, free healthcare… (Looks around) right? 

Nurse: Not one penny… is there anything else you have to tell me? 

Danny: Well on the streets I'm a professional thief and proud of it. I steal money and food (Nurse is gasping in horror at this point) 

Wilhelmina (unhelpfully to the nurse): Oh what you gasping for love, I'm a recovering alcoholic, I mean let's face it… (Addressing everyone in the ward) WE LIVE IN MORTDALE PEOPLE! DAMIEN HERE MAY BE A THIEF AND ME A FORMER DRUNK BUT YOU'VE PROBABLY KILLED 10 PEOPLE IN YOUR LIVES! SO WHAT'S THE FUSS ALL ABOUT! 

(There is silence, everyone in the ward is elderly and look helpless and innocent)   

Danny: (Putting the final nail in the coffin) Oh don't look at us look that, me and Wilhelmina here both had to kill our dad's… so who'd you lot kill? Come on we'll share kills… 

(Everyone is staring at them in horror) 

(Two minutes later, Danny and Wilhelmina are thrown out of the front door of the hospital) 




Danny: Well done.

Wilhelmina: Me? you're the one that told everyone we killed our dad's!

Danny: You added the whole, I'm a former drunk and homeless card!

Wilhelmina: For the love of God! What are we bickering about!? We can both go and show the other's George's tape (retrieves it from the depths of her rags) still I… 

Voice: What the fuck is going on here? 

(Daz says that, arriving at the hospital with flowers) 

Danny: Mr Winters.

Daz: It Daz retard.

Danny: How very dare I get that wrong, anyhow why the fuck do you have flowers? 

Daz: Erm... visiting my girlfriend.

Wilhelmina: So you do have a heart then?   

Daz: Well… (Changing topic) why you here? 

Wilhelmina: We just got kicked out anyhow we watched the tape.

Daz: What tapes? 

Danny: That bum plugger at White View, made em, Mr. Masterbate was his name, he made tapes of everyone in Mortdale, uncovering their most private moments.

Daz (going white): What?

(Wilhelmina explains all)

Daz (opened mouthed, at long explanation): Yeah what evez, is my tape there?

Wilhelmina: Course, their probably watching it right now.

Daz: SHIT! They cor see that! (Dropping flowers) we are getting there now! 

Danny: What about your girlfriend, Daz? 

Daz: Screw her, some things are more important.

Wilhelmina: Such a loving boyfriend… *Note the already obvious sarcasm* 

(The three set off) 

(Meanwhile in Florence's house) 

Florence: Well here we go next tape… 

(Suzanne presses play) 

Mr Masterbate: And here we have project 210, Steve Innis… 

Greg: Steve's tape hmm? Hope it shows something we missed… 

(Cut to a younger Steve, hanging around with Riley Tibet near to St. Amanda's) 

Riley: The way my brother goes on about it, it sounds like the whole of Black Crest are planning an assault on this school.

Steve: Cor they go bother some White View kids? 

Riley: What? With that Marsh Girl hacking off the heads of anyone that gets close to her, they've kept a safe distance. I mean that pyshco bitch is crazy, not to mention she has a huge nose… 

(Mrs Conrad it seems appears out of thin air) 

Mrs Conrad: What were you saying…? 

Riley (panicked): Nothing!

Mrs Conrad: Good, because you would not believe how good my hearing is.

(She leaves, Riley and Steve follow in her wake, passing White View school as they walk) 

Riley: Glad school's off early today… but look at them in there, their hopeless to attack.

(A younger Miss Lofty is on the field, preaching to everyone about her sheep) 

Miss Lofty: Mr Lamb-Kings became a daddy a few days back...

Danica: Oh for the love of God Jolene, it's a wonder you have no friends other than your sheep.

Miss Lofty (tearful): Yeah well, I'd rather have my sheep, than your gang of gorilla's.

(A passing Mrs Conrad is impressed at that comment) 

Mrs Conrad: Now that’s one I'll use in the future, even if it came from the likes a dipshit like yourself Lofty.

Eric (whose next to her): Aw come on Helen, Jolene Lofty is harmless.

Mrs Conrad: Exactly, she's not ready for real life.

Miss Lofty: I am, you're all just mean.

(Harry Tedious and his group of friends investigate the commotion, as does Margaret Wellington)

Miss Wellington: Oh come on there... there… Jolene, don't let them get to you.

Danica: You’re only saying that because you're gonna end up just like her. Lonely with no one to live with, but your 20 cats.

Miss Wellington: Oh please shut up Danica.

Marty Sue (Danica’s boyfriend): OI! Eric is that you! 

Eric: Shit! (Trying to hide his face but failing) 

Mrs Conrad: Well what are you ashamed of?

Marty Sue: You obviously.

Mrs Conrad: My patience is waning Marty, do you want to find yourself in a similar position to Erika Jules, because it would be my great honour to shove you in front of a truck.

Marty Sue: (gulping): No… but Eric man… you're hanging around with her? What the fuck dude? What's wrong with ya? 

Eric (mumbling):  I just thought she was cool and pretty badass and these past couple of days, she seems like a right laugh.

Danica: You're kidding me? Helen a laugh? HA! Well Marty honey, as head of the football team, do you really want a player who hangs around with Helen Marsh? I wouldn't.

Marty Sue: You're right Danica… Eric you're off the team man.

Mrs Conrad: Well that occurred quickly.

Eric: BUT…!

Marty Sue: Then ditch her and come with us man.

Eric: No! You know what!? I'm fed up of your prissy, little, popular, gang! For once I actually feel appreciated with Helen! (People are starting to stare) So screw the football team! (Gasps) YOU THINK HELEN'S A BULLY!? LOOK AT YOURSELVES! 

Mr Tedious: I agree (The popular Posy, glare at him) 

Mr Tedious: I meant about screwing the football team, I mean who can be bothered to run around like that? Jeez… 

Danica: Shut the fuck up Harry, you lazy, shitty, slob.

Mr Tedious: Jeez… you lot are ratty.

Danica: FREAKS! (Indicating Mrs Conrad, Miss Lofty, Mr Tedious and his friends Miss Wellington and Eric)


Danica: Piss off you two.

(Mr Redwood and Miss Noel stand there) 

Mr Redwood: As- former- head- boy!

Miss Noel: And me as head girl… Jolene uniform! Anyway, as former head students here, we have authority here.

Marty-Sue: You're like 30 now, just fucking leave already.

Mr Redwood: We are entitled to come back and visit whenever we want.

Mrs Conrad: Oh please just leave, where could you possibly work that is that bad, you want to come here?

Mr Redwood (lying): Erm- we- work- in- a- decent- school- now.

Miss Noel: Yes we do!

Mr Redwood: Black- Cr… I- mean- the- school- we- work- at- is- in- London- and- its- very- high- class- with- high- pass- rates- so- we- have- high- levels- of- authority.

Miss Lofty: Right then.

(From the benches overlooking the field, Mrs Layton can be seen gossiping away to Lucy's Mum Lily… and Chantelle's mother Zoe can be seen waddling around Pregnant as the camera refocuses on Steve and Ripley) 

Ripley: Mad school they got there, why can't Black Crest just attack them? Sure the Marsh girl is deadly, but she's just one girl.

Steve I'm just one guy and I can repel them like she does.

Ripley: You're a fucking tank mate, no one messes with you.

Voice: I wouldn't mind messing with this stud.

(The two leap back in surprise, Miss Ougar and Zsa Zsa Henshell have snuck up on them both are in their mid-20's) 

Ripley: Oh it's you two, the prostitutes.

Miss Ougar: I'm not for much longer actually, I've singed on to that school I should be the art teacher soon.

Steve: Wow… what a shock, actually making a living by keeping your clothes… wait a minute, you're gonna seduce younger boys In there, aren't you?    

Miss Ougar (blushing and lying): Don't be ridiculous, I plan to be professional in there.

Ripley: I'll bet you do.

Zsa Zsa: Yeah well, I'm hoping to start a family myself soon, settle down a little you know, find a nice man.

Ripley (guffawing): Yeah good luck with that.

Zsa Zsa (severely offended): HMPH! I'll have you know I have 10 men a night, wanting my services! So do you want to join the queue? 

Steve: Nah love, we have standards.

Zsa Zsa: But I'm chilli hot pepper chick! You can't turn me down! 

Ripley: Yeah for now, you're hot, but by the way you're going, you're going to be at it till you're 70.

Zsa Zsa: Don't be daft… fine, you two miss out.

(Her and Miss Ougar walk off giggling madly) 

Steve: Hoes… 

Ripley: Tell me about it, the lot of em from White View are such oddballs…

(Pulls out a Ouija board, making him look as weird as the white View's he just described) 

Steve: Erm mate… the word hypocrite, gets tossed around a lot but…    

Ripley: (as they walk away from White View): I know, I look odd with this, but it's got my Walkie talkie inside, so I can contact you in case of.... you know what.

Steve: It ay gonna happen, they are not gonna attack, so quit yer yappin.

Voice: Who ain’t gonna attack? 

(Steve sighs as Frank Tibet himself and Alexander Flynn round the corner) 

Steve: Fuck off.

Frank: Hello to you as well. Well… well… little bro, talking to your little board again?

Ripley: It will save me from you and your gang of scumbags!

Frank: Ah not scumbags, merely boys looking for... fun.

Ripley: By stabbing innocent people? 

Frank: Problem? 

Ripley: You're insane!

Frank: What you gonna do? (shoves him) tell mummy and daddy, they hate me anyway.

Ripley: You're just jealous, because you can't be like me.

Frank (enraged): Oh you little shit, I'm gonna… 

Steve: Try that, I'll pummel you.

Frank: (To Ripley): Yeah little bro, so I'll get you next, when Steve ain't around you're toast… just wait… one day… 

Ripley (lying): You don't scare me.

Alexander: Yeah maybe I can try.

Steve: Oh how you doin' Flynn, who'd you rape this week?

Alexander: No one… the bitch came onto me this time actually. I reckon she really wanted the full package.

Steve: I bet the bitch was blind to even touch the likes of you.

Alexander: Watch it Stevie boy, you may think you're all hard but we will wear you down eventually.

(The two depart) 

Steve: I'm sorry his your brother.

Ripley: Me too, still as I was saying… 

(Video cuts off there) 

Joey: Well that was intriguing, still yew (points at teachers) used to hang out at school?

Mrs Layton: Oh yeah, after that Lily got expelled from school, I had no one to talk too, so I hung around with there little odd group. Fun times.  

Mr Tedious: My friends all "died" after that video, so I was stuck with the group.

Eric: Yeah, remember how we got Marty back, after we knew it was him that killed your buddies?

Mrs Conrad: Right after he had his little girl, thought it would be funny to go be a dickhead as usual, so he met the same fate as Erika Jules, the look on Danica's face at the funreal made my life. 

Eric: Sounds harsh kids, but you didn't know Marty, he earned it. 

Greg: So that's why you hired these people! They were your old friends Mrs Conrad!

Mrs Conrad: Not "friends" merely other beings, I slightly preferred over the rest. 

Lucy: That's why Miss Lofty was there as well! 

Mrs Conrad: Me and Jolene went into teaching at first, eventually I persuaded the rest of the "gang" to follow. 

Helpless TA: I wasn't, Mr. Masterbate was always watching children, Miss Ougar and Zsa Zsa, well you now how they ended up there. The rest of teachers just got employed, so mystery answered. 

Mr Rayne: Well I wasn't in that friendship group I just...

Joey: And here comes the sob story...


The End

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