An ApologyMature

Act 3

(The next day, Saturday 12th February)

Uraz: Well Daz, It's time, I need to go hospital today.

Daz: But Uraz, we… 

Uraz: I'm sorry Daz, but we knew this was coming… maybe… 

(The moment is ruined completely, by Joey and Greg storming past) 

Greg: Were going out Daniel see ya later! 

(Slams door shut) 

(Meanwhile at Florence's house) 

Zsa Zsa: (to friend on phone) Bloody traffic jam yesterday. I couldn't get into school on time. Mrs Conrad went flaming mental at all us teachers for being late and then we had to explain to her about the death of the all those poor pupils. Of course she said she didn't care and it meant less lessons, so now my son and his friends are inviting their friends over so we can all formerly apologise to Mrs Conrad… it's mad…

Jack: Well mum, you ready for this?

Zsa Zsa (hanging up phone): Yes honey.

Florence: This will be downright scary.

Zsa Zsa: Like a 5 centimetre spider.

Florence: Yup (her and Zsa Zsa laugh over their shared fear of spiders)   

Jack: (snappish): Will you two shut up! You're getting giddy over fucking, tiny, spiders! 

Florence: Calm down… 

Jack: Why don't you calm the fuck down!? You prissy bitch!

Zsa Zsa: Jack, what is wrong with you honey? You've been acting sullen and so sulky lately. 

Jack (in outburst): Nothing's wrong with me! 

(Florence and Zsa Zsa stare) 

Florence: Twas the letter, wasn't it? 

(Jack doesn't answer, there is a knock on the door he goes to answer it) 

Zsa Zsa: What letter? 

(Florence doesn't answer, Jack returns with Greg and Joey) 

Zsa Zsa: Well hello you two.

Joey: Erm, hey miss.

Zsa Zsa: So did you two do you art homework?

Florence: Thou art did not receive thou art… (Awkward pause) art homework.

Greg: Wording choice failure.

Zsa Zsa: Doesn't matter (begins to strip) you can paint me anyway.

Joey: Ugh, just keep it on… please miss!

Zsa Zsa: Anything for you (winks at him) 

Greg: Trust me, that's nuthin' compared to Mr. Masterbate's performance of Touch my body, I still have nightmares about that.  You're lucky you never had to witness that.

Aaron: You're right that was fucking messed up.

Joey (jumping): How did…!

Aaron: I'm leader of the White View chav gang, I know how to sneak up on people and stab em.

Greg: You and Daniel share a skill.

(Rest of the chavs enter) 

Chelsea: Why are we here again Chantelle…?

Chantelle: Because, as always, something is bound to go down and believe it or not this is getting as entertaining as the da club.

Helpless TA: Oh this is the life, being dragged around by this fat slag, to wherever the other fat slags want to go.

Charmaine: Doe worry Helpless TA, we'll unleash the party animal in you soon.

Helpless TA: (Pauses) Weird, I thought Jack would have laughed by now and said good luck with that.

Zsa Zsa: His really moody, since yesterday… it must be because of some letter he got, that Florence just told me about. Still my Jackie Boy has barely talked to me.

Chantelle: It's okay, I know what it is, when he and Sarah had sex he caught Gingeraliltos from her and the letter has just broken the news to him.

Greg: Chantelle… you are aware Gingeraliltos is a made up child based myth?

(At this point Jaya enters unnoticed) 

Chantelle: Trust me Greg, it's real.

George: Well me and me two bros have arrived, are you sure about this Greg? I mean really we don't… 

Greg: Yeah, by the way you didn't have a tape George. I looked through the sack all last night and everyone's name came up… except for yours… 

George (relived): Oh that's good.

Andrew: Any for us? 

Greg: Yup there's one for you and Richard.

Richard: Yeah… (As Alan enters) I can shows you my pasts me al-do's do's… 

(Alan shivers) 

(Melody and Sasha arrive) 

Chantelle: So you two finish your lesbian date? 

Sasha: No you finish your shift on the street corner? 

Charmaine: Oh no, she didn't.

Chantelle: Right that's it… 

Melody: Ladies please stop, the spirits tell me this will lead to nothing good.

Sasha: That's not the spirits talking Melody that's your survival instinct.

Chelsea: You still seem like lesbo’s though.

Melody: We are merely good friends.

Chantelle: That's what everybody says, before they start shagging each other silly.

(Lucy enters) 

Lucy: Hey guys! Sorry I was slightly late, but I lost my step brother's second youngest sister in the bus crash yesterday and I had to go the funeral there, I'm going to Sarah's tomorrow, as well.

Jack: I'll go.

Aaron: Oh for fuck sake… (Yanks letter out of Jack’s hand) 

Jack: OI GIVE THAT…!

Aaron (reading loudly so everyone can hear in): DEAR JACK, I HAVE MISSED YOU EVER SO DEARLY SINCE I LEFT MORTDALE AND CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU! SO I'VE DECIDED TO WRITE THIS LETTER IN CASE I DIE, BUT I'M PLANNING A BIG SURPRISE FOR YOU!

I HEARD THAT PYSCHO KYLE IS AFTER THE TAPES IN MRS CONRAD'S OFFICE AND TO HELP YOU, I'M GOING TO RETRIEVE THEM AND WE CAN BURN THEM TOGETHER! TO SAVE YOU!

I ALSO WANT YOU TO JOIN ME IN THE GINGERS FOR JUSTICE CAMPAIGN! I KNOW YOU'RE NOT GINGER OR A GINGER CARRIER LIKE RHYS, BUT I'VE REALISED DESPITE OUR BREAK UP! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING OR ANYONE! SO PLEASE JUST DUMP FLORENCE (Florence gasps at this) SHE'S NO GOOD FOR YOU AND COME WITH ME!

IF YOU'RE READING THIS, I'M EITHER DEAD (WHICH IS HIGHLY UNLIKELY, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING) OR ABOUT TO WALK THROUGH YOUR FRONT DOOR… BUT UNTIL THEN THIS IS… FROM YOUR DEAR LOVE SARAH… 

(Very long silence) 

Greg: (To Aaron): You're Literate then?

Aaron: Doe say that out loud! Besides I had to get that out the way, or Jack would been acting so fucking mysterious and moody until… 

Chelsea: Until act 10 and having it revealed now, save's us a lot of fuss over nothing.

Lucy: Oh Jack! You poor soul!

Ryan: I know right, had a ginger as a lover.

(Gordon laughs at this to try and appear cool to Ryan, however he shuts up after Jaya glares at him)  

Jack: DON'T YOU GUYS SEE! I'M THE REASON SHE CAME BACK! I'M THE REASON FOR THE TAPES! I'M THE REASON ALL THE WHITE VIEW PUPILS DIED! I'M THE REASON DANNY'S PROBABLY GONNA DIE! SARAH CAME BACK FOR ME! TO SURPRISE ME TO LOVE ME! AND THEN I CAN'T EVEN ANSWER TO HER!

Florence: It's okay darling, you've still got me.

Jack: Don't touch me! You and I, are over for good this time! 

Imogen: Well that fell apart fast, still which break up was that? 1000?

Florence: 934th actually and Jack how could you!? I like you… I… 

Jack: You're just a shallow girl looking for attention! Sarah died for what she believed in, she was brave and strong! You know that letter opened my eyes, if she was still alive I would have gone with her! Screw you Florence! 

Florence: FINE! I NEVER LIKED YOU ANYWAY!

(There is a long, awkward, pause after these words) 

Chantelle: So... does anybody wanna lick my fanny?

Joey: What an icebreaker Chantelle.

(Just then the rest of the white view staff arrive) 

Lucy: Alright Steph! 

Mrs Layton: Hello there Lucy I…    

Miss Wellington: Oh, isn't this exciting! 

Mr Tedious: Yeah, trying to apologise to Mrs Conrad, how exciting.

Greg: Actually, were not here because of that, but we need her here for a different reason.

Miss Wellington: Oh really? Wow I am intrigued! 

Melody: The spirits inform me that you are, anyhow Mr Tedious, that closet was in your room, why didn't you bother to clear it out then? We would have found these tapes earlier.

Charmaine: It's obvious, he couldn't be arsed, but doe worry sir, I woe have been arsed either.

Mr Tedious: Ah great minds think alike.

Melody: Can you kindly remind us all, of your combined GCSE results?

(Before they can answer Thomas bursts in) 

Thomas: Guys, she's nearly here! quick get ready before…! 

(Too late, the door flies off its hinges and Mrs Conrad enters, in tow is Imogen)   

Mrs Conrad: Well what are you all gawping at! Everyone on your knees right now! And recite the Mrs Conrad apology speech! 

Imogen: Yes, we are so severely sorry we couldn't be in school yesterday because 32 of us died, leaving the roads blocked and families in trauma.

Mrs Conrad: Imogen. Knees. Now. 

(Sighing she gets on her knees like everyone else)  

Greg: But miss this ain't about an apology at all!

Mrs Conrad: I still expect one, right everyone now! Speak!

Everyone: (on Monotone): With all our loving hearts and minds, we sincerely apologise to a Mrs Conrad Aldington for daring to displeasure her in any way and may the lord's light shine on her beautiful face and generous nature. May she light the way for all of us. 

Mrs Conrad: Good, although I expect more enthusiasm next time and Joey, if you laugh at the line generous nature again, I laugh harder when hacking off your head. 

(Joey gulps)  

Chantelle: So Miss, does your husband recite that speech to ya, after you get out of bed?  

Mrs Conrad: Chantelle, do I have recite a Caz on you?

Chantelle: Well no but…

Mrs Conrad: Then shut up you whore, well, what are we here for? 

(Suzanne and priest enter at this point) 

Priest: I was gonna ask the same question.

Aaron (To Ryan): Notice how they arrive after the speech, clever timing, I'll give them that.

Ryan: Yeah *coughs* oh fucking hell, this is starting to annoy me!

Suzanne: I'm here for a story! 

Priest: And I'm here, because I have no more funerals to do today and… 

Mrs Conrad: You don't have a life, yeah go over there, you pathetic no life and pretend were your friends.

(Priest sadly does so) 

Mrs Conrad: So what are we for? 

Greg: I've decided if we’re gonna fully trust each other to fight these chavs, we need to cover each other's weaknesses and trust each other fully. So were gonna watch these videos from our past to get this outta the way.

Mrs Conrad: No way in hell are you watching my video.

Chantelle: Coward, I've having my shown.

Mrs Conrad (changing mind very quickly): How dare you suggest that, Greg show mine first!

Greg: But miss…

Mrs Conrad: DO IT NOW! 

(Startled Greg does… he puts the tape in large TV, in Florence's house, everyone sits down and braces themselves for the show…) 

The End

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