The Scum Of The Fawcett FamilyMature

Act 9 

(Mortdale Castle) 

Greg: She ain't at the base.

Mrs Conrad: She'll be at the top.

Helpless TA: Has to be a dramatic finale, doesn't it? 

Chelsea: Obviously.

Random Slag in the Crowd: AND HOW COME THE A-TEAM HERE (Points at Main cast) GET TO KILL HER, DO WE JUST WAIT HERE! 

Greg: You lot are on guard. if she escapes or kills us then you can have your bloodshed.

(Crowd is satisfied)   

Sasha: How is one drunk chick, gonna kill us?

Imogen: That Kyle might be there with her, couldn't find him either.

George: So brace yourself… 

(The group do… with Mrs Conrad in the lead and Gordon bringing up the rear, they reach the top of the castle and they find…) 

Greg: Wilhelmina.

(Sitting there face as white as a sheet, looking trampy as usual, is Wilhelmina but the distinctive Alcoholic whiff about her is gone) 

Mrs Conrad: So anything you'd like to say?

Wilhelmina: I… I didn't do it! 

Greg: Yeah right you… wait a minute, are you sober? 

Wilhelmina:  That hard to believe?

Florence: THOU ART SHOCKED TO THE CORE! (Faints) 

Joey: I don't care if you're sober, yew is gonna die!

Wilhelmina: I know the whole town is looking for me, I saw you all that's why I somehow managed to run up here while half drunk.

Sasha: Damn girl, were gonna do things to y'all sorry ass.

Chantelle: Yeah we are.

Wilhelmina: Look, I don't know what I apparently did, but all I know is that I've been up here for nearly 24 hours now, with no booze and no toilet. I'm in hell… 

Imogen: You were probably too drunk, to remember what you did.

Wilhelmina: Again, what did I do? 

Gordon (bursting out): YOU BITCH! YOU USED YOUR PARENTS ORGANISATION TO ORDER THEIR STAFF TO MURDER INNOCENT FOREIGN FAMILIES WHO HAD LINKS IN THIS TOWN! SO THE KIDS HAD NO CHOICE BUT TOO MOVE HERE, ALL SO YOU COULD GAIN FRIENDS! BECAUSE YOU'RE MESSED UP AND ARE NOW ALLIED WITH KYLE, TOO BRING MORE FOREIGNERS HERE, SO YOU CAN KILL THEM ALL! TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION ON MORTDALE AND GAIN POWER! 

(Silence, then Wilhelmina laughs) 

Wilhelmina: Woo! That is the most… far-fetched plan (Laughs harder) I've ever heard, what are you, high?

Ryan: Off gfrynmjuhskfuhdmnkghfunmfhbvnmfvhmuirjeuyhtjrfyudhjf, most likely.

Jaya: But there is none in your pocket Gordon.

Gordon: Ermm… it's airborne.

Mrs Conrad: If it is, then why aren't we all high right now? 

Gordon: Erm… only hardcore users like me, can pick up on traces in the air… and well get high again.

Mrs Conrad: The myths continue to roll in, I see.

Wilhelmina: Look, I maybe drunk all the time, but I defiantly did not do all that! How is that logically possible? 

Greg: Dunno, but your parents made a convincing argument against you.

Wilhelmina: I haven't seen my parents since the Penti-present tournament. I told you cap-pimp or Greg, if I have to call you that, my parents couldn't stand me! I hated all the pressure and all the up-tight people and… ugh… 

Greg: I don't care what you say, you need to die right now. Steve died to save us two, look what you turned into! He’d be ashamed!

Wilhelmina: For God's sake I… (Panicking as Mrs Conrad approaches with an axe) I didn't do it! I didn’t do it! 

Joey: STOP! (Throws himself in front of Wilhelmina)

Charmaine: WTF!?

Chantelle: Plot twist, Joey and Wilhelmina are secretly getting it on.

Joey: Yew are sick, no we haven't been "getting it on".

Mrs Conrad: Then why are you defending her, you brain dead douchebag.

Joey: Because she may full, well, be, the reason of all this shit, but I watched her body language she didn't blush or turn away, she has either forgotten, or is telling the truth.

Lucy: I think she forgot, she was a drunkard Joey.

Joey: I know, but there is a chance she didn't do it, killing the wrong suspect wouldn't we feel guilt?

Thomas: Cough, Caz, Cough ring a bell, Mrs Conrad?

Mrs Conrad: Cough, Thomas, cough in a second if he isn't quiet.

(Thomas is quiet after this) 

Jason: But son how do you know?

Joey: Body language dad, we were businessmen, we had to sell things. we had to read body language and be good at it ourselves and believe me, she may be telling the truth.

Greg: But cousin, you were all for killing her.

Joey: I was, but I guess I finally realised how much of a monster I really was, because I guess... (smiles) I have to learn to accept people, even if they are drunks, or have faults. I guess yew have to over-see them and love the person for who they truly are. (beams at Jason) 

Jason: Son, that was brilliant, I … I guess I love yew too son.

Joey: Dad, that's the first time yew ever said that.

Jason: I needed to finally say it and I'm proud of yew son.

(Ruining the moment completely is…) 

Chantelle: UGH! INCEST! 

Jason: Were having a moment here guys, don't ruin it.

Mrs Conrad: Well I'm going too, we have no time for stupid and pointless morale messages, what are we going to do… (Holds up Wilhelmina by the scuff of the neck) with this?

Wilhelmina: Referring to me as a her, would have been so much kinder.

Joey: Guys we'll take her back to Greenwood, confront her parents about it, see whose telling the truth.

Wilhelmina: I reckon they did something.

Greg: Yeah well, were gonna get to this bottom of this, one way or another.

Imogen: … I'm gonna find ya, I'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, one way or another… what? (At weird stares) 

Wilhelmina: My head fucking aches after that and I haven't even got a hangover.

Imogen: Oh come on… it was just waiting to be sang.

Thomas: Imogen just… never do that again.

Imogen: Alright jeez… 

(Back at the base of the Castle) 

Random Slag in the Crowd: (Upon seeing Wilhelmina) OH MY GOD GUYS! THEY HAVE SAVED A KILL FOR US! 

(Crowd surges forward) 

Greg: STOP! WERE TAKING HER TO GREENWOOD, SHE MIGHT NOT HAVE DONE THIS! 

Random Slag in the Crowd: YOU SAID SHE DID THOUGH! 

Random Slag in the Choir: WHY ARE YOU THE ONLY ONE THAT SPEAKS FOR THE CROWD? WHY CAN'T I?! 

Random Slag in the Crowd: CAUSE YOU'RE IN THE CHOIR IDIOT, NOT A CROWD!

Random Slag in the Choir: YEAH WELL, I CAN SPEAK TOO I…!

(A gunshot goes off and everyone runs out of the way, where Random Slag in the Choir lies dead on the floor, a gunshot wound through her head) 

Random Slag in the Crowd: THERE'S ONLY ONE RANDOM SLAG ROUND HERE AND THAT'S ME! 

Greg: Erm right.

Suzanne (barging right up to Greg): So Mr Winters, What now? What happens? 

Greg: We go to Greenwood, speak to Margaret and Taylor Fawcett, ask them if their daughter is lying. If they are lying we find out who was responsible.

Suzanne: Sounds exciting, stay tuned folks, to see what is coming.

(Poor cameraman must follow Suzanne) 

Greg: Alright guys let's discover the truth!

Wilhelmina: For the love of God it wasn't me… 

(The population of Mortdale marches on Greenwood school, where they wait outside the gates) 

Greg: HEY! LET US IN! WE HAVE SOMETHING TO DISCUSS! 

(Taylor approaches the gate) 

Taylor: Wilhelmina, my baby girl what are you doing here?

Wilhelmina: Oh don't start that "my baby girl" rubbish, we all know you don't give a crap.

Taylor: Your mother and I love you very much actually, we still do despite the circumstances, what kind of evidence is there, to suggest differently?

Wilhelmina: My name for starters, which parents go around calling their kid Wilhelmina? 

Taylor: Eh… it was fancy.

*Wilhelmina Faceplam* 

Charmaine: It was a retarded name choice though.

Taylor: No it wasn't.

Suz: Yeah it was.

Taylor: No it wasn't.

Saz: Yeah it was.

Taylor: No it wasn't.

Suz: Yeah it was.

Taylor: No it wasn't.

Saz: Yeah it was… 

Jaya: FUCKING HELL SHUT UP! 

(Silence) 

Lucy (whispering loudly to Wilhelmina) You could have just stuck with Mina.

Wilhelmina: Not "Fancy" enough for this area and Wilhelmina has kind of stuck.

Greg: Anyhow are you two saying...?

Taylor (sobbing): Yes, I'm afraid you'll have to finish her before... she kills more people.

Sasha: Okay, I guess you are a pathetic, drunken, girl, time to finish you off.

Wilhelmina: Are you all bullshitting me! My dad is laughing! 

Joey: Hang on a minute, yew are!? What's the meaning of this? 

Taylor (laughing) Oh, If I could have held it in longer!

Sasha: What?

Taylor: My laughter! Oh well, I guess the game is up!

(Taylor suddenly pulls a gun out of his blazer and aims it at Greg) 

(Gasps) 

Taylor: (In sinister voice): NOBODY MOVE! OR GREG HERE GETS A HEAD FULL OF LEAD! 

Random Slag in the Crowd: WERE GONNA MOVE ANYWAY! 

Ryan: DOE! We need him for entertainment! 

Taylor: Oh it was funny, to watch you deciding on my daughter's death, like I give a shit.

(Gasps)

Florence: You said a swear.

Taylor: Who gives a shit?

Wilhelmina: I KNEW IT!  I KNEW YOU WERE BEHIND THIS!

Greg: Okay, so you were behind this then?

Taylor: Well finally coming to a conclusion are we? So can you lot, well how do pronounce you...?

Chelsea: MAIN CAST! 

Charmaine: THE A TEAM! 

Taylor: Yeah all you, you're gonna follow me into the building, try and run or any funny business and Greg here gets it, so drop your weapons, all of them… before you enter… 

(Mrs Conrad tips over her blazer and a landslide of Axes come out of her pockets) 

Imogen: JESUS MUM! What were those for? 

Daz: They were for the “talk” with your new fella.

Imogen: I don't have a… 

Florence: IMOGEN? THY ART HAVE A MYSTERY MAN!? 

Taylor: SHUT UP! NOW GET IN HERE NOW AND FOLLOW ME! OR ELSE!

(Greg, George, Lucy, Imogen, Jack, Florence, Thomas, Jaya, Joey, Alan, Melody, Sasha, Gordon, Aaron, Ryan, Chantelle, Charmaine, Chelsea, Helpless TA, Mrs Conrad, Daz, Jason, Suz, Saz, Priest and Suzanne and her poor cameraman are slowly edge their way in and close the Greenwood gate behind them) 

Taylor: Move slowly, into the school you lot.

Zsa Zsa: DON'T HURT MY BABY! 

Jack: MUM! Jesus I can look after myself.

Taylor: Don't worry, they'll all be fine once they know the whole story. They can't refuse… 

Greg: Why drag just us inside…? 

(They enter the main hall of Greenwood, where the foreign pupils are gathered in the corners looking petrified and Margaret is on stage armed with sniper rifle) 

Sasha: Seriously, where the hell does everyone get guns and knives from? 

George: This is Mortdale, toddlers pick up knives to play with.

Wilhelmina: Hello there mother.

Margaret: Oh, you're back… look at you, you are pathetic Wilhelmina. Look at your clothes, your hair, your attitude, your...

Wilhelmina: See guys, this is parents down to a tick. I'm not good enough for you! I NEVER FUCKING WAS I? YOU TRICK THE WHOLE TOWN INTO NEARLY KILLING ME! WHAT FOR THOUGH!? 

Margaret: We only needed a distraction, to give us more time and now it's ready, oh well we knew it wasn't you darling and there was a high chance you'd die, but you didn't die so here you are.

Chelsea: CAN YOU EXPLAIN THE WHOLE EVIL PLAN TO US NOW! 

Helpless TA: Please do, I'm getting bored here.

Margaret: Okay, so basically we lied, we did all the stuff, that we told you Wilhelmina did. 

Wilhelmina: Only to be expected,  so still speaking in your posh accent mum, and you dad, why not speak Irish like me? I mean we are Irish aren't we?! 

Margaret: SHUT UP! We are of higher class.

Wilhelmina: Course, see that's our family's dirty little secret. Being Irish, it will upset the nobility if it gets out.

Mrs Conrad: Oh it all makes sense now, the stereotypical alkie being Irish, yes very stereotypical and pathetic. 

Imogen: Yeah whatever, can we all get back to the plot right now?

Greg: Why place the blame on your daughter?! 

Margaret: She was a good placebo, no one would believe her.

Joey: I did though.

Wilhelmina: Well… really thanks… Joey is it? 

Joey: Yeah.

Margaret: Anyway, all the staff we got do this deed are still here, we ordered them and got the foreigners over here.

Sasha: What was y'all fucking motive?

Taylor: Easy there gorilla.

Sasha: Racist bastards.

Mrs Conrad: Deal with it.

Greg: SO Y'ALL WERE ALLIED WITH KYLE! YOU WANT ALL THE FOREIGNERS DEAD!?

Margaret: Dear God no, we would never ally with that scum, we did not want to kill the children inherited over here, we wanted them here, we knew all about you Greg. We wanted to help to rid the earth of the chav scum in Mortdale… 

Helpless TA: (Hopefully) So, are we all running away to a desert island? 

Taylor: NO WAY! THAT'S ALL YOU PEOPLE CAN DO ISN'T IT!? BETRAY EACH OTHER, TO GET OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE… SHAZ! MISS NOEL AND MR REDWOOD THE BLACK CREST NERDS, YOU HELPLESS TA! STEVE! AND EVEN THAT DANNY KID! YOU ALL WANT OUT! AND YOU DO SO MUCH WRONG TO ESCAPE! FOR WHAT!? TO SAVE YOURSELVES? IT'S USELESS AND PATHETIC! 

Mrs Conrad: Your point? 

Margaret: WERE NOT LIKE THOSE CHAVS EITHER, WE HAVE MADE IT OBVIOUS WE ARE THE POLAR OPPOSITE! WE WOULD NEVER REALLY KILL GREG! WE NEED HIM IN MORTDALE! WERE NOT TRYING TO KILL GREG OR ANYONE! WERE GOING TO BEAT THE MORTDALE SYSTEM! GREG WERE HELPING YOU! 

(Confused stares) 

Helpless TA: This will be good.

Chelsea: Don't think it will be.

Priest: She's being Sarky, you dip-shit! 

Melody: She does not understand sarcasm Uncle.

Sasha: No shit Sherlock.

Greg: You wanna help me? Wait a minute...

Margaret: THAT'S RIGHT! OUR PLAN... WE MAY HAVE DONE TERRIBLE THINGS BUT WE HAVE DONE THEM FOR THE GREATER GOOD, IS TO BUILD UP AN ARMY OF ANTI-CHAVS IN THE FORMS OF THESE FOREIGNERS, TO GET BEHIND GREG AND THE GANG TO ELIMINATE THE CHAV STAIN AND WE WON'T MOVE TO PARADISE! WE WILL MAKE OUR ANTI CHAV PARADISE!

Imogen: Dear God… 

Taylor: OUR ORGANISATION HAS THE MONEY… AND SOON MORE MEMBERS! WE WILL BUILD MORE WEAPONS! AND WE WILL FIGHT AND WE WILL WIN!

Greg: No… I'm not joining your crazy organisation, your army for me is touching, but it's… 

Margaret: WRONG?! (Gives hysterical laugh) I KNEW YOU'D SAY THAT, YOU'RE TOO NICE GREGORY WINTERS! YOU MAY HAVE KILLED FRANK TIBET! BUT YOU CANNOT DECLINE OUR HELP FOREVER, BECAUSE EVENTUALLY YOU WILL FALL AND WE SENT YOU AFTER WILHELMINA, SO WE COULD FINISH THIS OFF!  

(Curtain lowers and reveals) 

Jaya: HOLY FUCK! THAT IS A BIG ASS CANNON!

Chantelle: My Ass is big too.

Sasha: Bitch please.

Florence: Ladies please, don't debate, now is not the time, besides, we all know I clearly have the best curves…     

Jason: What yew doing with that cannon!

(Celling opens) 

Suz: How 

Saz: Does 

Suz: That 

Saz: Work? 

Wilhelmina: Were in Greenwood, its “fancy” remember? 

(The large cannon points directly at the crowd outside) 

Taylor (on loudspeaker): CITIZENS, OF MORTDALE! YOU ARE ALL ABOUT TO DIE! UNLESS GREGORY WINTERS, AGREES TO JOIN OUR ORGANSTION IF HE DOES… WE SPARE YOU! IF HE DOESN'T… 

(Back in the school Taylor produces a little control switch) 

Taylor: Simple controls we have, Green button sets the cannon off. Red button is, well, the last resort. The self-destruct button,  if the chavs either got the upper hand of this place, so we'd take a dozen down with us, this cannon's explosion, could wreck the whole school…

Margaret: So Greg you must choose, disagree and everyone out there dies. No one close to you, but still innocent people and once all their dead. We'll start shooting everyone in here… we will ensure there is no Chelsea to hide behind this time and Mrs Conrad no longer has any axes.

Wilhelmina: You make… me sick… THIS ISN'T ABOUT POWER OVER CHAVS AT ALL! IS IT!? I WAS JUST NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! SO YOU REPLACED ME WITH ALL THIS PRISSY, PROPER AND PERFECT KIDS! WELL I'M SORRY I COULD NEVER BE WHAT YOU WANTED! BUT I'M ME MUM AND DAD! (Begins to cry) and… and… 

Joey: She may have had flaws...

Jason: (To Margaret and Taylor) But yew failed your duty as parents, yew… yew should have accepted her as she was, like I've learnt to as my son. Like I always accepted and loved him even though I never said it, now I will… and that's why yew (points to Wilhelmina) having nothing to be ashamed of, your parents here are rotten to core.

Taylor: How touching, however Wilhelmina you are a failure, eliminated in the second task, Pathetic! What would your friend Mary think!? 

Wilhelmina: I think she would have proud of me, because since then, I have generally kicked more chav ass than you ever will, hidden behind your prissy cannon and army… you cowards!

Gordon (childishly): YEAHHHHH! 

Suz: Hey I was gonna do that.

Voice: (Panicked): STOP THIS!

(Someone charges forward) 

(Margaret fires her sniper rifle…) 

(Somebody, drops dead) 

AMCOLIN96: (Breaking the Fourth Wall): So, whose dead? Read the next act to find out. Also, read on to find out how this all ends.

The End

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