Act 8  

(Back at White View, on the same day) 

Mrs Conrad: Yes Imogen, I bloody well know that the stupid, drunken, girl has been evil enough to give us the likes of Joey and Sasha… 

Joey and Sasha: WHAT!?

Mrs Conrad: Shut up! (They do) but as I was saying, we do not need to hunt her down. So now sit down and wait until the lesson finishes… 

Greg: But we need to do this now! Nobody deserves to be moved here! And each second we spend in this school! Is another second another poor humble guy or girl, gets moved to this shithole!

Joey: I agree with my cousin, we hunt her down. This town's ruining my dad, we need to stop it. 

Mrs Conrad: No, you will wait until the lesson fin… (Bell rings) well then just go and I'll use my axe to hunt.

Imogen: Good one mum… alright guys, here's the plan (They gather) 

Imogen: Chantelle, Charmaine, Chelsea, Helpless TA, Ryan, Gordon and Aaron alert the chav hordes to hunt for Wilhelmina, they'll be appalled when they hear she's been getting foreigners over here.

Ryan: Consider it fucking done.

(They leave) 

Imogen: Florence and Jack, alert as many people as you can about Wilhelmina. Leaflets… posters… whatever.

Jack: Mum's an art teacher, she can help.

Florence: Right, let us not waste another minute! 

(They do so) 

Imogen: Melody, Alan and Sasha alert your families, set up community search teams and what not, your relatives will help... hopefully.

Sasha: I'll make them help.

Melody: Something about this still feels off, still I will do my duty.

(The trio set off) 

Imogen: Thomas and Jaya, you do the same, but round up the foreign students from Greenwood or wherever, Margaret and Taylor will help.

Thomas: Sure… (They leave) 

(Greg, George, Lucy Imogen and Joey are left) 

Imogen: George and Lucy do the same as Thomas.

(They set off) 

Joey: Me and Greg will go and alert our family back home and get off hunting.

Greg: Where are you going anyway Imogen?

Imogen (blushing): To find someone, someone who will help.

(She sets off) 

Joey: She's hiding something.

Greg: That's been established.

Joey: I can't believe it was the drunken chick the whole time, we saw her like a few days back, if only I knew… 

Greg: I get the point, but I can't believe it was her, it just can't have been.

Joey: But it was Cousin and I'm killing her for everything she did to me, ruining my life… ruining my dad… 

Greg: Cousin, don't get too hot headed okay? We'll solve this, you don't need make this kill inhuman. 

(They reach home and open the door to their surprise Daz, Jason, Suz and Saz and even Lake are packed up ready to go somewhere) 

Greg: What's all this about? 

Daz: We heard about the drunken girl, were ready to hunt now. I've got Lake ready (Lake sniffs and growls) 

Suz: You

Saz: Two

Suz: Coming?

Greg: How'd you hear about this all so fast?

Daz: Two words, Florence McKinney.

Greg: I knew it where is she? 

Daz: Well… (Meanwhile in the town square) 

Florence (into Loudspeaker): THIS TRAITOR! (Holds up picture of Wilhelmina) IS DEPORTING NONE CHAVS, TO THIS TOWN HOW WILL YOU REACT TO THIS!?



Random Slag in the Crowd: What do you need our help for? 

Jack: Like Florence said, this girl is trying to change this town, we want that, but not the way she is doing it, it's cruel for both sides.

Random Slag in the Crowd: LIKE SHAZ!? 

Jack: Yes (Many people are gathering to listen) 

Suzanne: So here we are, broadcasting live reports of this horrific crime for both chavs and none chavs alike.


Zsa Zsa (appearing out of nowhere it seems): And if you do, I'll offer sex to anyone who goes hunting free of charge! 

(Locals are convinced) 

Jack: Mum, there is such a thing of standards.

Zsa Zsa: I know, but a criminal has to be caught, right? 

Chantelle: That is not fair, I was gonna offer that.

(Priest and Melody turn up) 

Melody: I see Florence has amped up the search, for Wilhelmina Gabrielle Fawcett alright.

Charmaine: If you know her full name, why not reveal where she is?

Melody: The spirits… 

Ryan: Won't tell ya? Yep, heard all dat shit before.

Gordon: Yeah fam.

Melody: It's so frustrating! Everyone thinks I'm insane.

Chelsea: You don't say.

Helpless TA: Is this Sarcasm Chelsea? Quick, develop and IQ! 

Chelsea: Trying miss, God you're so pressuring.

Helpless TA: Oh come on! Just learn, so I can be free!

Melody: Anyhow Uncle you believe me? Don't you?

Priest: Err… of course I do. 

Aaron: I doe think he does.

Priest: I am believer in the afterlife and spirits I believe my little niece.

Melody: Thank you Uncle, now I shall be on my way to try and gain some answers.

(She leaves just as Andrew enters) 

Andrew: Oh my God, that girl is such an insane freak, speaking to spirits my arse.

Priest: I know, I mean seriously, you should hear her at home...

Chantelle: I thought you said you believed her.

Priest: Yeah right, anyway... (bitches to Andrew) 

Gordon: God, does the word hypocrite ring a bell with him fam.

(Jaya and Thomas appear) 

Jaya: Gordon… 

Gordon: I mean tam!

*Thomas Faceplam* 

Thomas: Oh God, Gordon, learn some basic grammar. Hey Alan, Sasha, any luck! 

Sasha: No, this drunk chick ain't in the town square, that's for sure.

Alan: Y-yeah… it- was… 

(Richard appears) 

Richard: Oh hey there me, Al-Do's do's, or should I say me Al-Dee's Dee's 

Alan (Clutching head in arms): Stop it! Stop it! Before I… 

Andrew: Oh God, here it comes… (Bitches to Priest) 

Richard: So are you readies,  for hunting's?


(Runs off in tears) 

Sasha: I'll go fetch him later.


(Greg and the household members turn up) 

Suz: Oh 

Saz: My 

Suz: God!

Jason: The town square is crowded.

Joey: I'm glad so many people are here to help.

Daz: Doe be, there only helping, so more retards like you don't end up here.

Joey: Oh Uncle Daz, I feel like were bonding so well.

Daz: Doe bond with me, bond with ya dad for fuck's sake.

Jason: Son, will you please just talk to me?

Joey: Not until you're clean dad, we went through everything together.

Greg: Yeah… including teasin' me.

Jason: Yeah all that, but Joey… 

Joey: Humph! (puts hands on hips) 

Sasha: Oooh no he did-ent! Hands on hips, this is serious this is.

Jason: Son what I'm trying to say, is that were not all perfect, you just need to learn to accept people. To hell with their flaws, I had to raise you and you weren't perfect.

Joey: Maybe that was problem dad, when I think about it, Greg was never shy, he was just never as confident as me and all the people I beat up weren't as strong as me, so I was...

Greg: A basic asshole.

Joey: Okay maybe I was, I thought I was the best, anyone below me I just… God I was a dick.

Mrs Conrad: Oh well you've finally admitted you're pathetic.

Greg: His just coming to terms with his ego miss, it's a good thing.

Mrs Conrad: If it was down to me, you'd all feel so sorry for yourselves, you'd be cutting your wrists in the corner, every second of your life of course (twirls axe in fingers) I plan to inflict pain on someone else.

Greg: Wilhelmina.

Mrs Conrad: Damn straight, I'll end her life and rid of her presence and ridiculous name from the script for good.



Mrs Conrad: You don't anger me Helpless TA,  so I won’t kill you.

(Helpless TA cries in despair) 

Joey: But wait a minute, I wanna kill Wilhelmina.

Mrs Conrad: No she's my kill.

Sasha: We'll each give her one fatal wound each, alright?

Greg: God guys, not this brutally, let's just get the job done… 

(Lucy arrives with Mrs Layton) 

Lucy: Oh hi guys, we've just been talking.

George: I'll bet you have babe, still how are you?

Lucy: Alright, Mrs Wellington was moaning about why we couldn't be in school tomorrow.

Mrs Conrad: School is closed, until we find and kill Wilhelmina.

Thomas: But our GSCE'S!?

Mr Tedious: Dude, you're gonna fail them anyway.

(Leans back and reads paper) 


Mr Tedious: No (Goes to sleep) 

Priest: God, what a lazy ass. (Bitches to Andrew) 

Mrs Layton: Oh alright there Mr Rayne, I see you're here too.

Mr Rayne: Well obviously, I'm still planting a court case on you. (Points at Aaron) 

Aaron: Yeah I'm still having you for rape.

Lucy: Guys settle down and bury the hatchet.

(Aaron and Mr Rayne continue to glare at each other) 

Jack (Guffawing): Yeah like they'll just bury the hatchet.

(Imogen arrives) 

Mrs Conrad: And where, do you think your sneaking off too?

Imogen: Nowhere just… discussing info, with a special source.

Chantelle: Oh a special source. Special someone I bet.

 (Mrs Conrad suddenly stands upright) 

Mrs Conrad: Imogen, surely you haven't been foolish enough to… well let's say... date… a boy? Behind my back.

Imogen (looking away): No.

Thomas: What did your source say? 

Imogen: He said he didn't know where she was...

Charmaine: HA! SO IT IS A MALE! 

Imogen: What? Yes but… 

Mrs Conrad: Who is it? 

Imogen: No one!

Mrs Conrad: Imogen, tell me.

Imogen: No one mum! Nothing Is happening!

Mrs Conrad: Better not be… 

Imogen: And even if I was dating someone, which I'm not, what would you do to the poor lad? 

Mrs Conrad: Oh, just “talk” to them.

Daz: I've had one of those talks love, they ay pleasant.

(The whole town searches for Wilhelmina, search teams go everywhere, chavs try and sniff her out with Pit bulls, every alley is checked, every corner of every building. Night falls… the search continues, to no avail…) 

Greg: Hey! Wilhelmina! Chelsea is floating? Wanna question the logic of that!? 

(No Response) 

Greg: Well, she did say fuck logic last time I saw her.

Joey: She has to be around this town somewhere.

Lucy: Maybe she fled? 

Sasha: I'd still hunt her down, if she did.

(People sleep in tents, as do the main cast, by the crimson red sky of Wednesday 9th January's morning, there is still no luck) 

Joey: (In frustration): Where- the-fuck-is-she?! 

Chelsea: Hiding obviously.

Helpless TA: Alive obviously.

Imogen: I don't get this we've looked everywhere.

Melody: It's helpless, but I still have a weird feeling, of a false lead...

(She is deemed insane and ignored even by priest)

Aaron: I know we've scoured the whole shitty town, except for the castle of course.

Greg: Wait what? 

Ryan: Well it's common knowledge, no one is gonna go up there am they?

Lucy: Why not? 

Charmaine: It's old and boring and no one gonna's hide there.

Imogen: You're telling me, no one, no one has been up there no chav… no one?

Chantelle: No.

Imogen: But you went up, there before.

Ryan: That was only because of Mary-Sue.

Imogen: Oh For fu… 

George: That's it then, she's at Mortdale Castle!  

Joey: Then let's finish this! 

Suzanne (following them): A major breakthrough here at Mortdale and now, the culprit is to be apprehended.  

The End

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