Teacher: Welcome Year 11, I am your new tutor.
(Greg, George, Lucy, Imogen, Jack, Florence, Jaya, Thomas, Aaron, Ryan, Gordon, Chantelle, Charmaine, Chelsea, Joey, Melody, Sasha and Alan sit down)
Teacher: There are supposed to be 30 of you! Counting you all, there is only a mere 18 of you.
Aaron: I dealt with the rest.
Teacher (gulping): Right anyway, I am Mr. Rayne your new tutor.
Chantelle: God sir, you look ancient.
Mr Rayne: Is there a problem with that young lady? My age is irrelevant we are here to learn.
Jack: (Guffaws): Good luck with that.
Mr Rayne: Manners! Back in my day, we used to show our elders respect and…
Aaron: Yeah, back in the 1830’s.
Mr Rayne: You think this is funny boy?!
(Jabs him with walking stick)
Aaron: RAPE! I can have you for assault!
Gordon: (gulping): Yeah fam, he'll totally do you in!
Mr Rayne: Well there's the bell, right you lot, get off to lessons.
(The class proceed off)
George: (Reading from Timetable): English first, great… followed by Art… then science and maths… history and Geography and then were free.
Alan: P-poor o-old guy, he seemed quite nervous.
Aaron: Nervous?! He fucking assaulted me, I preferred Miss Lofty.
Thomas: You just can't face being stood up to, can you?
Ryan: Shut the fuck up nerd. (shoves him)
Thomas: You don't scare me anymore, there's no more nerds you can kill.
Aaron: Go back to your fucking bunker already.
Thomas: I checked, it's not there anymore, I am a free man.
Charmaine: You'll be dead soon.
Thomas (sighing): I know.
Imogen: Hey come on, we'll help you Thomas.
Sasha: Damn straight, you bastards ain't touching this poor boy.
Aaron: Or what you'll go black on our ass.
Sasha: How'd you know what I was gonna say?
George: In this town, you develop a knack for knowing people real quick and people keep to their comfort zones, to avoid death or humiliation.
Lucy: Oh Georgie but you didn't, you became emotionally attached to me.
George: Guess I did, (Smiles at pulls Lucy closer to him) Luce at long last babe, I'm happy were together.
Chantelle: Ugh, I'm gonna puke.
Joey: Why are all the good looking gals taken?
Florence: Oh please, I know I'm simply that stunning…
Jack: He wasn't on about you, he was on about Lucy.
Florence: Oh well, that can be changed.
(Starts to formulate plans to scar Lucy's face)
Greg: (To Joey) How you coping so far?
Joey: That teacher just took the murders in stride, I mean the kids are one thing but the adults…
Imogen: Just wait till ya meet my mum, boy you're in for it.
Joey: Your mum teaches here?
Jaya: WERE HERE! EVERYONE HEADS DOWN LOOK AT YOUR BOOKS! AVOID EYE CONTACT! EVERYONE IN POSTION!
Melody: I feel a foreboding sense of dread.
Alan: S-same… he-here…
(Mrs Conrad enters with her usual chill)
Mrs Conrad: Oh brilliant, you're all back healthy and alive *Note the sarcasm*
(Class is silent)
Mrs Conrad: Chantelle, stand up now!
(Chantelle does so)
Mrs Conrad: Detention.
Chantelle: What for?
Mrs Conrad: You gave me a funny look, I didn't like it.
Chantelle: WHAT THE FUCK MISS YOU…
(Mrs Conrad produces an axe)
Mrs Conrad: You were saying?
(Chantelle slumps back into her seat, at this point Joey loses it)
Joey: AH! Are Yew insane!
Mrs Conrad: (Mocking his accent) Can Yew speak propa?
Joey: It's my accent.
Mrs Conrad: Another American, oh may the lord help me.
Sasha: There's four of us.
Mrs Conrad: I can count you Distuging Gorilla! Now you four new people, stand up and explain to me who you are.
Joey: Joey Winters.
Mrs Conrad: Oh dear… GREG!
(Greg stands shaking)
Mrs Conrad: Why is another speck, of your inbred family here?
Greg: Ain't my fault, my uncle's business went broke and…
Mrs Conrad: Great, two winters to deal with, now sit down the pair of you before I wipe the Winters teenagers off the face of the earth!
Mrs Conrad: And who the hell are you?
Sasha: I'm Sasha Redact.
Mrs Conrad: Did I ask for your last name?
Sasha: No but I...
Mrs Conrad: I can see you're the stereotypical, token, sassy, black, girl, now sit down and don't show me attitude or else.
Sasha: You threatening me?
Mrs Conrad: Yes I am, do you fail to understand that? Do I need to speak monkey to you? Start throwing bananas, so my words can process your unevolved brain?
Sasha: IF Y'ALL BEING RACIST I WILL…
Mrs Conrad: SIT DOWN SHUT UP RIGHT NOW YOU FOOLISH GIRL! (Produces Axe) just so you know I'm not a racist, I hate everyone equally, it's just I had to be racist to you, because it amuses me. So learn some self control, or else suffer a painful death.
(Sasha sits shaking)
Sasha (thinking to self): Dat bitch scary.
Mrs Conrad: And who are you?
Mrs Conrad: Stop stuttering you pathetic boy!
Mrs Conrad: Pathetic as Gordon.
Gordon; What you saying…
(Mrs Conrad swings her axe in mid air, Gordon nearly wets himself and shut's up)
Mrs Conrad: Right one more to go, who are you? Yes you, the retarded looking girl.
Mrs Conrad: What a mentally, deficit, name.
Melody: I came from North Dakota, I can speak to spirits.
Mrs Conrad: Another mentally, unhinged, pupil, I see.
Melody: The spirits tell me not to argue back, or I will lose my head.
Mrs Conrad: Anyone could have told you that.
Melody: They also tell me your full name but, If I reveal your first name, my head will hit the floor.
Mrs Conrad: Wow, you're fortune telling abilities are marvellous (Claps Sarcastically)
Aaron: Aw, I was looking forward to that as well.
Imogen: I didn't tell you guys my mum's first name? How could I forget, its Helen by the way.
Chantelle: (To Mrs Conrad) Alright Helen!
Mrs Conrad: Imogen… outside, now.
Imogen: Farewell Classmates.
(She and Mrs Conrad leave, a few minutes later they both return. Imogen's face is bleeding very badly)
Joey: She did this, to her own daughter?
Imogen: She was light on me Joisey Boy.
Joey: Light? than what's bad?!
George: Something we don't like to discuss.
Mrs Conrad: Mention my first name ever again and everyone in this class will perish. That is a solid fact.
(Class gulps as one)
Mrs Conrad: Right now that I have the displeasure of knowing you all, its back to work, your GCSE Exams are coming up soon.
Chantelle: Ugh, who cares about them anyway? Were all gonna fail anyhow.
Mrs Conrad: I know that, but the board of directors and head honco's in the education department make it the law, yes even in this town, that GCSE'S have to be done and as your teacher my job is to get you to the sit the GSCE.
Joey: Get us to sit our GSCE'S, what about passing?
Mrs Conrad: With all the shit going down as of late, no one is going to pass their GSCE'S it's a solid fact, other than Thomas over there, with his abnormally large cranium.
Thomas: Basically I'm clever and I can…
Mrs Conrad: Yes whatever you big headed boy, I suppose you have been sending money to the EHS co-operation to help yourself.
Greg: The what?
Mrs Conrad: (explaining) The EHS, Educational Help Society, some new group, they set up around the greenwood area, you know the snobby area. Helping privileged students with their education and what not.
George: Oh yeah… I bet Thomas has been sending them millions.
Thomas: So what if I have? They use it for a good cause, to employ as many decent people as possible, whose work can change conditions in this run-down town.
George: Hang on a mini-second...
Mrs Conrad: Right all of you, be quiet and listen…
(She lectures them on GSCE'S and manages to teach them all about GSCE Texts before the bell rings… she sets a large amount of homework, much to the classes dismay)
Jack: More homework, this is just great.
Joey: I can't do this, I never even went to school back in Jersey, me and my dad…
Greg: Went around acting like idiots.
Joey: No actually, he was training me to take over our little business, but then it goes bankrupt.
Chantelle: So every skill you ever learnt, has been a waste?
Joey: Pretty much.
Aaron: LOL, what a retard.
Lucy: But my mother's sister's older brother's third son, had a business with his father just like you and he still has to go to school and he passed with 10 A star's, although there was a rumour going round that his dad had rigged the results and the headmaster was like, caught up in a scandal and…
George: Basically, she's saying, so what if you were running a business, you could still be in school.
Lucy: Yes thank you George, I can speak for myself.
George: But you don't have to rabble on.
Lucy: Jesus, I was only telling…
Ryan: Oh fucking hell, here we go, trouble in paradise.
Joey: (To thin air) So I'm thinking to myself, this whole groups is nuts, like nutty, frickin' nutella nuts...
Chantelle: Who am yow speaking too?
Joey: You guys wouldn't get it, It's a Jersey thing.
Florence: Thy see, It is a Jersey Shore thing, there must be a camera nearby.
Joey: What? No.
Florence (to thin air): And then, I couldn't hold it back any longer, I just had to blurt it out.
Florence: JACK! THY ART HATE YOU, YOU MADE THEE HAVE AN ABORTION! HOW COULD YOU KILL AN INNOCENT CHILD!
Jack: Florence, I'm not in the mood for an attention, seeking, argument, that is based on fictional events.
Florence: Well I am.
Sasha: I'll construct a very real argument, with you pretty boy and you, drama queen, if you don't shut y'all fat gobs.
Thomas: So anyhow Joey, what was the reason?
Joey: I was hot-headed, got into a lot of fights and kicked out of loads of schools, thought I was the baddest of the bad.
Greg: Mortdale humbled you.
(They walk into art classroom)
Alan: O-oh dear this- t-teacher- l-looks… old…
Charmaine: More like desperate.
Jack: HOLY SHIT NO!
Florence: SEE!? THY ART REGRET THE ABORTION NOW!
Jack: NOT THAT! MY FUCKING MUM'S THE TEACHER, HOW EMBARRASSING IS THAT!?
Zsa Zsa: Yes welcome pupils, I hope you're all ready for my lessons. (Whispering loudly to Jack) don't worry. I won't embarrass you this time.
Jack: Mum, I thought you said, you got a decent new job.
Zsa Zsa: I have, my old friend Miss Ougar worked in this post, now (rips off her blazer to showcase her low cut top, which reveals more than is necessary of her bust) I have taken her place!
Jack: I preferred it, when you were a prostitute.
Zsa Zsa: Oh come on, I'm not that bad.
Ryan: Dropped my pen miss.
Zsa Zsa: Let me get it for you Ryan.
(She takes a while to pick up the pen, by this point Ryan has had his fair share of her bust in his face)
Florence: Oh please stop it, I know I...
Joey: (To Florence) Yew, is really coming off as irritating.
Gordon: You don't say, I mean yeah blad (pause) fam a lam!
Jack: (Groans) could this get any worse?
Zsa Zsa: Today, we shall be drawing from these pictures I brought from home.
Jack: MUM THERE MY BABY PHOTOS!
Zsa Zsa: (Gossiping away to Florence): I mean yeah, look at this one! He was only two and he managed to use the potty… and here he was five and playing with his favourite Barbie doll!
Florence: I am glad you two are living with me now, you make good company.
Zsa Zsa: Oh Florence, I think you're an ideal girlfriend for my boy, no problems what so ever, other than occasional argument.
Florence: Yeah, just taking photos, of these old photos on my phone and share them across Facebook.
Zsa Zsa: Or...we could post them on twitter! The world will wanna see my little sweetie!
(Everyone is sniggering at Jack, who is banging his head of the table)
Florence: (To Jack) You're so excited for this, aren't you?
Jack: Kill. Me. Someone. Now.
Mrs Conrad (bursting in): I'd be happy too.
Imogen: No mum, not literally. (Mrs Conrad leaves) trust me, having a mum working at the school, I know your pain.
Jack: Oh really? Does Mrs Conrad (points to where Zsa Zsa is giving Aaron a lap dance) do that?!
Imogen: She does the polar opposite.
Zsa Zsa: Oh Jackie boy! This is going be a long year!
Jack: Can somebody get a rope?
Chelsea: BELL'S RINGING!
Helpless TA: Well done Chelsea! Now get this chain off me and I'll get you candy!
Chelsea: Can't do that miss.
Helpless TA: Typical, you're too stupid too.
Chelsea: No, I can, it's just selling me sweets, sounds perverted.
Helpless TA: Oh for fuck…
Alan: S-so anyway- g-guys- w-what’s next?
Aaron: And what the fuck's wrong with you anyhow?
Alan: I just-s-st-t-t-… (faints)
Gordon: Pathetic, who faints?
Thomas: I agree Gordon, his so meek and a probable, natural, coward.
Jaya: Does the word Hypocrite ring a bell with you two?
Greg (to Joey): You’ll hear that phrase a lot.
Melody: I predict a dull lesson ahead.
(They enter Science, a dull looking, middle aged man, is standing there)
Man: (In bored tone): I'm Mr. Tedious.
Imogen: I know you are.
Mr. Tedious: I'm too bored to argue back, open your pages at page one and copy up all the notes.
Joey: What really?
Sasha: Hey! Y'all gonna teach us anything!?
Mr. Tedious: On with the lesson, for the next ye… couple of lessons, we'll be copying from the book, now get on with it… (sits back and begins flickering through his laptop)
Chantelle: Doss lesson then.
George: What was I thinking? What was thinking just?
Florence: I know, I am above Lucy in looks George, but it's okay, if you love me you can just say.
Lucy: (To thin air) And then, she starts flirting with my man, and I'm all like...
Imogen: Seriously. what has your life come too Lucy?
Lucy: Couldn't resist.
Joey: It's infectious.
Lucy: Anyway, what's a matter Georgie?
Aaron: Ugh Georgie.
George: Shut it, Lady Ari!
Gordon: Oh fam, you just owned!
Ryan: Whose side are you on wanker?
Gordon: Yours… but your annoying me right now Auntie Why Why, did I mention I have some of my drug in my pocket…
(Aaron and Ryan are silent)
George: That's it, Thomas, what was the name of that nerd club thing?
Thomas: The EHS, Educational Help Society, helping privileged students to advance, and improve the town and I'll have you know, it's not a nerd club...
George: Privileged students, huh? Hang on a sec, that's it!
Melody: I'M RECIEVING A MESSAGE FROM THE SPIRITS, CONCERNING THE EHS!
Imogen: (Singing): That's so Raven, it's the future I can see...(Everyone glares at her) sorry too hard to resist.
Lucy: Aren't a lot of things?
Melody: The spirits…
Charmaine: Imaginary Friends…
Melody (ignoring her): ...say that tomorrow, we are to head to the EHS headquarters at Greenwood school and the two leaders to greet us there, know about the sudden appearance of so many Foreigners, in the town.
Sasha: So if we go to them? We'll know the answer to this mystery.
Melody: Not the answer, but a lead, a culprit, someone… a single someone, who caused so much death and devastation in many countries, just to get people imported over here.
Greg: Kyle, I'll bet.
Joey: So yew guys are saying that some nutjob in England, somehow managed to make me and my old man's business go broke in America?
Sasha: And kill my parents in a car crash?
Alan: A-a… well I haven't told you guys but I was brought here by my cousin, because… well… t-they said I was- s-safe- to- c-come ou- out… o-of-that-p-place… (shudders)
Melody: And murder by beloved family, yes someone must be responsible, probably inspired off the plan the Countess of Shrewsbury had in mind for Greg.
Greg: It's like she's still alive and continuing her plan.
George: But Shaz's plan changed, she planned to kill Daz and high-tail all the decent kids outta here, whoever is doing this now, it like he or she wants all decent people over here.
Greg: Kyle wants to gather us up and blow us up I bet.
Melody: That could be the answer. but the spirits won't tell me more, if only they would it would save us a lot of trouble but still...
Jack: So were just going to take advice of a supposedly, insane, girl, who can talk to spirits?
Greg: Got a better idea?
Imogen: Approach with caution, ring any bells?
George: No… were gonna find out who is doing this, one way or another and we have to do it soon, before… well... more trouble occurs.
Mr Tedious: I hope your all making notes.
Aaron: Well than answer to that is a very fucking obvious no.
Joey: Aw great, Imma fail science.
George: Join the very large club.
Greg: What now Thomas?
Thomas: We have Maths…
(They enter Maths, which is also there tutor room and teaching them is…)
Mr Rayne: Oh God, not you again.
Aaron: Still having you for assault.
Mr Rayne: Not this again.
Aaron: Yes fucking this again, this is very serious, I'm making a court case outta this, there be a trail and all sorts!
Jack: Oh, so he gets a trail, but I don't…
Mr Rayne: Will you all be quiet! You're as bad as my brother, back in 1975 on the 3rd of May he called me fat, never let it drop, nope, never have. He was so rude…
Ryan: No one gives a shit.
Mr Rayne: Attitude young man, you're made my naughty list you have you disrespectful little…
Charmaine: Oooh, a naughty list were terrified.
Mr Rayne: You too…
Chantelle: CAN I BE ON IT TOO!
Mr Rayne: Why would you wanna be on it? And asking too will not get on you on it…
Chantelle: This will though. (her and Ryan begin to have sex on the table)
Mr Rayne: STOP IT! THE PAIR OF YOU! YOU'RE ON MY NAUGHTY LIST!
Chantelle: YES! You can see, I am a naughty girl...
Sasha: Oh please tell me, you are nawt, trying to seduce a teacher.
George: I really wouldn't be surprised.
Sasha: That's just nasteh!
Aaron: And I still ain't dropping my trail.
Mr Rayne: Will you learn to drop a grudge?
Thomas: Does the word hypocrite ring a bell with you.
(Bell rings at this point, rather ironically)
Mr Rayne: Brilliant, we didn't even get round to maths in the lesson.
Chelsea: Don’t worry sir we don't learn a lot anyway.
Greg: Erm... Imogen are you coming?
(Imogen is busy looking at of the window at someone, a dreamy smile on her face, she appears not to hear Greg)
Chantelle: OI IMOGEN! WHO YOU STARING AT!?
(This gets Imogen's attention, the figure out the window dives out of sight and Imogen turns, her dreamy expression is gone, replaced with her usual scowl)
Imogen: (snappish and defensive) What!? I wasn't looking at anyone, what are you on about?
Joey: Yew was looking at someone though and they were looking back.
Imogen: How observant of you Joisey boy, but you must be seeing things.
George: You looked… well…
Imogen: I… I was not i…
Lucy: Oohhh, this is so romantic! Imogen! you have to tell me, all about it!
Imogen: I'm not telling you anything, because there is nothing to say.
Greg (childish tone): Sure…
Imogen: Greg, grow up.
(The gang head to the canteen)