(Greg wakes up in his room, it's Monday the 7th of January)
Greg: Back to school I go…
(He goes downstairs, his cousins are asleep on the sofa)
Greg: WAKE UP COU-SEN'S! SCHOOL TODAY!
Joey: (To thin air) So then Greg's all like get up cousins! And I'm like, ready to deck that little shit for...
Joey: Go away, it's Joisey thing. You wouldn't understand.
Greg: Oh come on Joey, get up and drop that sour look of your face.
(Daz comes in with Lake on a leash)
Daz: Oi you Uncle… doe make me say that again, it's fucking embarrassing.
Jason: Fine yew and me Daniel...
Daz: It's Daz and if you wanna stay alive, you're Jasz and Joez.
Jason: What the…?
Greg: Chav names.
Joey: Like hell I'm proud with my name of Joey.
Greg: Joey-B you mean?
Joey: That's just stupid Greg.
Greg: Says the one, who used to call himself JJ-Pimp 25.
Joey: 25 was my favourite number. Nothing stupid about that.
Greg: This conversation is too stupid and Jersey-ish for my likin'.
Greg: Well it's nearly time to go.
Jason (getting emotional): Good luck son.
Joey: Yeah yew too old man.
Daz: What's all the fuss about? You're only going outside.
Greg: Daniel, their not chavs and have no experience.
Daz (on phone)… and that will be two funerals for tomorrow, great cheers for that Priest.
Jason: Yew hold so much hope in us nephew.
Daz: (putting phone down): Well y'am newbies and you’ll be dead soon, most likely. Jasz...
Daz: (ignoring him)...you're coming out with me, if you wanna survive in this town, ya better get used to it.
Jason: I suppose, well with that settled, it's time to go. (Whispering to Greg) Gregory look after my boy and... (looks over at Joey) make sure he don't do anything stupid.
(He and Daz leave, after this Greg gets his uniform on, Daz has purchased/stole one for Joey, he puts his uniform on in discomfort)
Joey: Yew dress fancy.
Greg: Only for school though and that's still a death trap.
Joey: I'm a goner, aren't I?
Greg: Relax, I have a few friends that are none chavs too, they'll help.
Joey: Really? They'll help me?
Joey: Needing help from others, that ain't me.
Greg: You're gonna need it, as long as you don’t starting acting like an A-hole as usual you’ll be fine…
(They step outside)
Joey: I'm not an asshole, I just don't like yew cousin.
Greg: Yeah well, that's been established since birth.
Joey: But still I need yew to survive, in this town of thugs. (Thinking to himself) Maybe I won't be changing after all.
Greg: Still feeling streetwise are we?
Joey: Shut up, asshole.
Greg: Now I'm the asshole, well…
Joey: The way yew speak to me now, old timid little Greg would have never…
(Greg sees George waiting for him)
George: Greg and… whose your friend?
Greg: This is my cousin Joey from Jersey.
George: What!? Greg, I thought you said you had no more family.
Greg: His an asshole, so I don't like to mention him, but y'aknow his stuck here.
George (intrigued): Why'd you move here?
Joey: Was not my fault, me and my old man's business went broke and we lost our house so we came here thinking it would be fine and then…
George: Fell right into the death trap, when'd you arrive?
George: Did Greg tell you all the shit that's gone down here?
Joey: Yeah… is that really true?
George: Yes it is, seen the chavs in action?
Joey: Yeah nearly got stabbed...
George: Okay whatever, drop the accent mess up your uniform and keep your head down you might get through the first day.
Joey: That meant to be advice?
George: The very best, now come on Greg we’ll have to jump through the tree-tops today because the newbie here, will not stand a chance in disguise.
Joey: I'm sorry, what?
Greg: You travel to school though Mortdale Park, you either go in disguise but since you're new, the chavs would rat you out, so we'll jump through the tree-tops, until you experienced enough to survive on your own.
Joey: How long will that take?
George: Depends, could be years, could be days depending on what you go through.
Joey: What about catching a bus?
George: You can, but they are crowded and it takes half an hour to get to White View that way, all because of some long route, when going through this park it takes 5 minutes.
Joey: Let's just go…
(The three proceed through the tree-tops, George speaks to Greg in whispers so Joey can't overhear)
George: He seems alright.
Greg Greg: Just you wait if he survives like I do, he'll become a right cocky sonova bitch.
George: Aaron and co are not gonna be happy with another American in the year.
Greg: Loads of new classmates and teachers have been appointed, well that's what I heard.
George: That's true. let's just hope all the new pupils aren't chavvy and the teachers all paedophiles.
Greg: Yeah, one can hope.
George: (After a pause) So, remember Christmas?
George: Imogen keeps rattling on to me, she found you passed out in Florence's house next to your diary, but you stirred, snatched up your diary, said there was nothing wrong with you…
Greg: There isn't!
George: Don't snap at me, snap at Imogen. By the way Lucy, Jaya and Florence have been worrying about you too.
Greg: Girls, they worry too much.
George: With the very obvious expectation of Charmaine.
Joey: What's so funee up there?
Greg: Oh nuthin' Cou-sen, you'll know soon enough.
(Goes back to whispering to George)
Greg: So you and Lucy at long last hey, how it's going?
George: Were taking it slow.
Greg: Aww, I like a sweet little romance myself.
George: Any girl you fancy right now Greg?
(Pause, Greg thinks hard and smiles)
Greg: I have someone special in mind…
(They arrive at school, but as soon as Greg gets to the gates, there is a commotion)
Greg: What's going on?
Thomas (answering him): Hey Greg, oh erm Chantelle has gotten into a brawl with some new girl… and…
(A boy runs past with Aaron and Ryan chasing him)
Thomas: …the new boy, is not that popular either.
George: Another newbie biting the dust over there.
Joey: Yew speak about these people like there objects.
Thomas (alarmed by the accent): Erm Greg, who is this?
Greg: Oh sorry, forgot to introduce you pair. Thomas this is my Cousin Joey from Jersey. Joey this is my buddy Thomas.
Thomas: Another American!
Greg: Whaddya mean another amer…?
Sassy Black Girl voice the brawl: MOVE Y'ALL BIG, FAT, ORANGE, ASS OFF MINE, OR I SWEAR TO GOD, I’LL FUCKING BEAT Y'ALL TO A BLOODY PULP!
Chantelle: NO SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU CUNT…!
Sassy Black Girl: OH, HELL NO!
Greg and Joey: A FELLOW AMERICAN!
(A kinship has emerged, everyone turns to them)
Charmaine: Who the fuck is that? (Points at Joey)
Joey: I'm Joey Winters from Joisey.
Aaron: Another fucking American.
Jack: Winters? Greg is this your...?
Greg: Cousin? Yeah, his from Jersey and he just moved here because…
Ryan: Doe care why he came, let’s just make sure he doesn't stay. (they produce knives and Joey panics)
Joey: Y-Y-Yew really don't w-wanna do that, please, d-d-d-don't!
Greg: Alright that’s enough! As fun as it is seeing Joey act like a baby, You two need to put away those knives, this rootin' tootin' minute!
Aaron: Nah, da fuck, we only keep you alive because you give us all the entertainment.
Greg: Let my cousin live… (Steps on corpse Greg looks down at this) looks like you already killed a fair few.
Ryan: Their accents grated on us.
Greg: Accents, wait a minute were they all…?
Aaron: Yeah Americans, they had to die.
Florence: THY ART DIE TOO!
Jack: No Florence, just no, please get up.
Joey: Yew… (Backs away from class) yew guys have… j-just k-killed p-people…
Joey: And you're just talking about it… t-talking b-bout- i-it, causally! GREG YOU'RE SPEAKING TO THE KILLERS AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN BATTING AN EYELID!
Greg: You get…
Joey: Used to it! WHAT THE FUCK!? WHAT THE HELL…!?
Aaron: I'm thinking about letting this one live, these outbursts are funny.
Ryan: Yeah, the one guy runs to fast, this one Is fucking hilarious and even I'll admit the girl is a tank.
Greg: Cousin, its okay their sparing you…
Joey (backing away): Yew… YEW! YEW! People, are all insane!
(Backs right into Chelsea, he yelps at turns to face her)
Joey: No, I'm not!
Helpless TA: Neither am I.
Chelsea: Can't breathe.
Helpless TA: Breathe in, breathe out…
Joey: What is this?
Greg (recounting George's exact words): Chelsea here, is the dumbest person y'all ever gonna meet, despite not knowing basic lesson skills, she also lacks the ability to breathe, blink, fall, walk, sniff, and sometimes talking.
Joey: You're pulling my leg.
(Greg stares at him deadly serious)
Joey: But that's impossible!
Greg: Joey, from what you have seen, this is only the beginning, of the madness.
Thomas: Remember Helpless TA, get her to breathe.
Helpless TA: Like I could forget.
Joey: Helpless TA?
Greg: The woman I was telling you about on the roller coaster, not worthy of an official name.
Joey: What the fu…?
Greg: Please, save y'all several what the fuck's for later.
Sassy Black Girl: Well damn, this is the craziest crap I ever heard.
Running and Stuttering Boy: Me- m-me too.
Joey: So, who are my two fellow Americans?
Sassy Black Girl: Sasha.
Chantelle: What a generic name.
Lucy: Then again, Chantelle is a common name round here.
Chantelle: SHUT UP BITCH! NO ONE ASKED YOU TO SPEAK!
Lucy: God some people are so sensitive about their names, reminds me of the time…
Stuttering and Running Boy: I'm A-Alan…
Greg: So Sasha and Alan, how y'all end up here?
Sasha: Parents died in a car accident, I was at my martial arts class when it happened, my only living relative was my uncle, who lived here, so I moved from Texas to here and…
Joey: Uncle's one of these so called Chavs?
Joey: I can relate with you.
Greg: What about you, fellow American?
Alan: Oh- me? N-Nothing- t-to important,- I-g-guess….
Ryan: Gordon, give the wanker some gfrynmjuhskfuhdmnkghfunmfhbvnmfvhmuirjeuyhtjrfyudhjf! I can't understand a fucking word his saying.
Gordon: Nah man, that drug is way too strong to be used on a pussy-hole like him.
Alan: W-wh- what, Is that d-drug me-meant to do?
Greg: Changes your personality completely for a few hours.
Joey: Yeah, I'm with Sasha on this one.
Greg: Yup, seriously.
Joey: I could use some right now, because my head is about explode.
Greg: Try and let it all sink in cousin, well it looks like everyone is here.
Aaron: As usual.
Andrew: Well all us younger years are in school.
George: Well nah, who are the newbies in your year Andrew?
Andrew: All Americans, well they were all Americans, and a load of other foreigners only a few left now.
Richard: FOREIGNERS IN MY YEARS AS WELLS!
Alan: Ermm… y-you have a s-strange way- o-of speaking, y-you know?
Richard: Well so do you me Al-Do’s Do’s,
Richard: Your nickname, GET WITH IT'S!
(Just then a car pulls up and a girl steps out)
Chantelle: ANOTHER AMERICAN!
Aaron: KILL IT!
(They charge, knives shining, but the girl calmly steps to the side and they miss her)
Girl: You cannot kill me, I have been destined to stay and join this class.
(Chantelle stabs her at this point, although it has no effect)
Girl: The spirits told me this would happen, I speak to the dead and they tell me the future, which is why I came equipped with a stab proof vest, as I knew you, Chantelle McKenzie Deloris would come to stab me.
Chantelle: How the hell do you know my full name!
Girl: The spirits told me, I know all your names,
Greg Samuel Winters,
George Terrence Admin,
Lucy Irene Brown,
Sasha Marbella Redact,
Alan Peter Goth,
Joey John Winters,
Jaya Maysoon Bui,
Gordon David Harris
Aaron Kyle Villas,
Ryan Benedict Elrod,
Charmaine Melina Wills,
Thomas Ned Underwood,
Jack Carl Henshell,
Florence Lola McKinney,
Chelsea Anna Black,
Andrew William Admin,
Richard Everett Admin
...and Helpless TA.
(Everyone's jaws crash through the floor)
Greg: How in Satan's hell? Who are you?
Girl: I am Melody Mia Meta. My parents were murdered, under strange circumstances. I lived in North Dakota and I came here, my uncle runs a church here, you commonly refer to him as “Priest” apparently.
Chantelle: OMG! PRIEST HAS FAMILY IN AMERICA!
Priest (from car): Well I did, now please don't kill my nephew
Aaron: Letting her live, because she can reveal Mrs Conrad's real name.
Joey (to chavs) Why do yew people just go around killing any american or foreigner? Why yew guys got beef with us?
Greg: They don't like anything different from them Joey.
Greg: Because, like me, they fear any newbie here, threatens their way of life. It's mad but it's how George explained the town to me.
Melody: The spirits have only informed me up to this point, the future remains unforseen. Apparently though, I have been told I will find the answer, to my parents murder here.
Greg: Hang on a sec, the number of Americans here, who all happened to be related to someone in this town.
George: Greg you know what this means right?
Joey: What does it mean?
Greg: It's most likely, someone's tracked all you guys and brought you here.
Joey: The guy who did this is worse than dead, when I catch him.
Sasha: Oh Imma gonna have a word with whoever brought me to this shithole.
Melody: The spirits have not told me who, the mystery will be unveiled soon.
Charmaine: Yeah, you talk to yourself you insane freak.
Melody (annoyed): I am not insane, I simply have the power of the second eye to see out of this realm and into the realm of the dead.
Jack: Or you could have just read one of Thomas' fifty page reports, to get this Info.
Thomas: I doubt that, maybe she is really is a supernatural.
Jack: I don't believe that crap.
Thomas: I am a man of logic, yet I do.
Florence: THY ART SUPERNATURAL TOO! I AM POSSESSED WITH THOU ART SECOND SIGHT I HAVE GAZED INTO THE FUTURE AND SEEN THE END! WE SHALL ALL DIE! NO ONE WAS SPARED, NOT EVEN THE CHILDREN!
Sasha: No shit Sherlock.
Melody: You, Florence Mckinney, do not possess the second sight, you are merely attention seeking.
Sasha: No shit Sherlock.
Greg: Can we get back to the main point? Someone has been acting just like Shaz did.
George: But on ten times the scale.
George: Could be?
Lucy: It could be anyone really.
Thomas: And the amount of people you know Lucy, this investigation will take forever to solve.
Melody: I can sense the arrival of Imogen Anya Aldington.
Greg: Oh shit, I forgot about Imogen, she can speak sense, she'll figure this out.
Imogen: Hey guys Whassup! (Smiles, everyone simply stares back at her) why's everyone crowded outside the school? These guys are the newbies right?
Random Slag in the Crowd: WELL NAH!
Charmaine: Where have you been?
Chantelle: Strip club probably.
Imogen: None of your business, I've just been… somewhere.
Florence: You have missed all the action! All thy shit has been going downwards once again!
Imogen: What’s happened now? Dead newbies, (staring at corpses) big deal, seen that before.
Greg: Erm, no Imogen, this is my Cousin Joey, his American as were the majority of newbies here.
Joey: Hey how yew doing?
(Imogen's mouth drops open in shock)
Sasha: I'm Sasha.
Melody: Melody, allow me to explain all to you…
(She does by this point the school bell rings)
Jack (dully): Well here we go, a new school term begins.
Lucy: With new teachers, hopefully better than the previous one's. Like the once, my mum's sister's older aunt's third child's pet hamster…
Imogen: Well we'll have to solve this new problem during school time, so any-way guys...
Jaya: LET'S GO!
(Everyone is in shell-shock)
Alan: Wh- what was…?
Greg: She does that sometimes.
Melody: Even I, did not see that coming.