Meet The FamilyMature

Act 2

Joey: (In a very stereotypical Jersey accent) Cou-sen!

(Immediately pulls him into a head lock) 

Greg: Ah! Geroff, Joey! 

Joey: Aww... looks, like, the little squirt, ain't so grown up after all!

Jason: Now, now, son, Get off your Cousin Gregory.

(Joey releases Greg)

Greg: Cheers Uncle.

Jason: Now Joey, I want yew to behave while we is here, and respect your cousin.

 Joey: Like I'll ever respect this little punk (mocks Greg southern accent) Little Gweg-o-ray from Alabama… 

Greg: The feeling's mutual (Mocks Joey's jersey accent) like I'll ever respect this douche-bag from Joisey… 

(They glare at each other) 

Jason: Yew two grow up, ten seconds here and you is already bickering!

Greg: Yeah well that ain't gonna change.

Jason (to thin air) And then he sed, he ain't changing for shit, so I was ready pop my top at him...

Greg: Who are you speaking too?

Jason: You wouldn't understand! It's a Joisey thing.

Greg: Right. 

Joey (suddenly noticing Lake, who Greg has been holding back): Aww man! Yew got a pit-bull! That's one bad-ass dog let me pet him! 

Greg: JOEY NO! 

(Too late, Joey shoves Greg away from Lake, so the Pit-bull is free. He jumps on a surprised Joey and begins his teeth clamp down on his arm) 

Joey (shocked): Yo, easy boy, easy dawg… wait, Ow! Fucking hell get this dawg, off me! 

(Greg does so) 

Joey: (clutching bleeding arm) That dawg is rabid! 

Jason: Gregory this kinda of assault, is out of order!  

Greg: It ain't me Jason, it's the dog, his always like that to new people.

Joey: Whatever! Keep that Slime-ball away from me!

Greg: Oh I dunno Joey, annoy me too much and I might...

Jason: Gregory grow up! My boy, Joey is 100 times the man, yew will ever be.

Greg: Oh here it comes, so what manly stuff have you two been up to over the past year?

(They open their mouths to speak)

Greg: Lemme guess? Pulling chicks, drug dealing being basic pimps et cetera... 

Jason: Gregory, yew never used to speak to us like that!

Greg: Yeah well this town changed me.

(Joey and Jason look confused) 

Joey: What yew talking about? 

Greg: Well, how'd you get here? 

Jason: Taxi.

Greg: And didn't you see how bad this town is, from the windows?

Joey: So, it's little run down and has a few thugs runnin' around, so what? 

Greg: So what? Is that all you can say!

Jason: Gregory Samuel Winters, I'll have you know we've been to Detroit and we know real crime, were the most streetwise people you'll ever meet… 

(Meanwhile out on the streets) 

Danny: (thinking to self): I swear, I just got this feeling that some cocky new guys just came to town and thought they were the most streetwise people around (guffaws) yeah imagine if that happened, they'd be dead in day… 

(Back in house Jason is giving Greg, a lecture on why him and Joey are the most hardened street-wise lads on planet earth) 

Greg: Yes, I get the fact that you two are streetwise, but you see Lake (Lake is currently in the corner on a leash Greg put him in) you were caught off guard by how savage he was. Just wait till you see the people… 

Jason: I and Joey are men of people, we know…

Greg: So y'all gonna try and sweet talk a chav?

Joey: What yew on about now? A what? 

Greg: Chav, C-H-A-V violent people, who roam this town looking for nothing more bloodshed.

Jason: Yeah right.

Greg: Believe me, in fact did I tell you all the stuff that happened to me? no… well… 

(He tells them everything that happened over the past couple of months, by the end of it Joey and Jason faces are stony) 

Jason: So yew is telling us, the person who burnt down your parents' house was Daniel's girlfriend? and that the rival school attacked yours?

Joey: I heard about that on Twitter, but that can't have been your school Greg… 

Greg: (delighted in the fact he is scaring them): Oh yes it was, lost quite a few friends y'aknow? Had to kill some folk, develop a fear of fire and kill the chav lord of pure evil.

(Silence, then Joey and Jason burst out laughing) 

Greg (annoyed): What's so funny?


Joey: I'm s-supposed to be-believe (chuckling) that little Greggie, (bends over laughing and when he comes back up, he is crying in laughter) did- all that! Yew Greggie, yew are so fun-ee!

Greg (enraged): You think I'm lying about this?! 

Joey: Of course I think you're lyin'.

Greg: Okay then, go outside, scream I'm an American from Jersey, and see how far you get.

Joey: Alright then I will.

(Steps outside the front door)  

Jason: Gregory, I better go check on my boy, he is a hot-headed guy. I don't want him in any more fights. 

Greg: Really? Could have fooled me.

Jason: Attitude, young man.

Greg: Bite me 

(Jason glares at him, before heading outside) 

Greg (alone and thinking): School tomorrow, odds are Joey is coming along with me, that means I'll have to mentor him almost the same way George mentored me. Oh heck… 

(Hears screams from outside, Joey and Jason burst in and seal the front door with a table, they are both bruised and bloody) 

Joey: All I did was…!

Greg: It was your existence, it was bothering them.

Jason: Well I think we has established that this town… 

Greg: Called Mortdale 

Joey: Well ain't that true! Moort-del, as in moor-tel-ity! we were near-lee killed out there!

Jason: All my son did, was shout what yew said Gregory.

Joey: And then thugs come outta the blue and start stabbing at me with me knives. I tried to talk them outta it, but they were as rapwid as that Dawg!

(Points to Lake) 

Greg (smiling): Believe me now?

Jason: But this can't be physically possible.

(Wilhelmina bursts in, drunk out of her mindm as usual) 

Wilhelmina: I repeat that phrase every day, you sexy studs,


Wilhelmina: Oh I am very mysterious and sexy person (giggles) so Cap Pimp, how you doing? 

Greg: I'm alright, yourself?

Joey (interrupting): Yew know this wasted chick.

Wilhelmina: (slurring her words) Chicks are chickens! I'm not a chick, I'm a lady! 

Greg: Yeah Wilhelmina here assisted me, she was drunk girl I was telling you about.

 Joey: Wilhelmina? Bit of a fancy name.

Wilhelmina: I'd Fancy a bit of you too.

Greg: Dear Heavens above, she's drunk.

Wilhelmina: Go drunk Greg, you're home! 

Joey: So is everything this squirt (points to Greg) is saying, is true?

Wilhelmina: Cap-Pimp here or Blondie the second, as I like to call him. Has done everything here, more than you (giggles) will ever do. I saw it all… still a I have beer bottle with my name on it, so I'll be leaving the building.

(She leaves)   

Joey: It is true!

Jason: Mother of Gawd Gregory, this is insane!

Joey: The police, they have got to do something! 

Greg: Nope, this town is lawless.

Jason: Like hell were staying here, were getting out! 

Greg: No one leaves Mortdale… no one.

Jason: Yew sed yew did the once.

Greg: On a school trip where I was nearly killed. Besides you're not chavs you won't get far even if you try and run for it. 

Jason: We'll disguise as Chavs then.

Greg: Yeah, even if you get outta Mortdale, the surrounding areas are just as chavvy according to Daniel, you need high level Chavology skills to escape this town.

 Joey: Chav… what? 

Greg (recalling what George said): Chavology a skill that develops over time after surviving in this town.

Joey: This is… 

Jason: Madness! Where is your cousin Gregory!  

Greg: Daniel's upstairs.


(Daz has been lingering upstairs for as long as possible to avoid his cousins, he slowly stomps down the stairs, eventually he reaches the ground floor) 

Daz (weakly): Hi.

Joey (before he can stop himself): Daniel… you're 26 right? Yew look about 50! 

Greg (explaining): His a chav, the drugs you take, age you fast.

Jason: (in anger): Yew do all this to Greg… and give us no warning of… (Points outside the window) THIS! 

Daz: What the fuck you on about?

Jason: Nephew.

 Daz: Doe call me that.

Jason: But yew is mah nephew, my sister's son! I'm your uncle, so Daniel what happened to yew… 

Daz: I aged 5 years, since the last time I spoke to ya.

Jason: Yew look like you've aged 50 years! 

Daz: Da fuck, I...!

Jason: What yew gonna do nephew? Stab me? Yew really like them thugs outside?

Daz: Yeah I'm a chav, it's cool, I doe see the problem.

Jason: "Doe" see the problem? What the fuck!? Yew moved to England to come to Uni… not this… 

Greg (suddenly interested): Wait Dainel, you never told me this.

Jason: Oh he didn't did he? Well lemme tell yew Gregory, Daniel here was the role model child In the family. When I left for Joisey, when I turned 18 and he was 10, he had a heart of gold. I heard he went to England for Uni when he turned 18 and… what the fuck happened? Who is the man I'm looking at now, he is not Daniel Winters.

Greg: Nope that's Daz.

Daz: Yup, so if you two are gonna keep blabbering on like retards, I suggest you shut up.

Jason: Yeah well, were stuck here now and thanks to a certain someone (glares at Daz) we had no warning and were stuck in this death-trap of a town.

Daz: That's funny Uncle, remember when you used to ramble on about how street wise you were?

(He and Greg snigger and high five each other) 

Jason: Yew think this is funny?! we could die here, still I remember, Daniel when you used to eat your vegetables.

(He and Joey snigger and high five each other) 

Daz: Fuck off.

Joey: So anyhow, do I still have to go to school tomorrow? Well obviously not as… 

Greg: Lemme guess? You applied to “White View”?

Jason: That's the one I applied Joey too, it sounded nice and had loads of space (glares at Daz) now I know why.

Daz: Yeah and you'll have to go you wanker.

Joey: Why should I? 

Daz: Or her, the big nosed bitch… (Hears crashing) I mean lovely headmistress (crashing stops) will “talk” to you about it.

Joey: That crashing in the background, made her sound a force to be reckoned with.

Greg: Oh Joey, so much you don't know… 

Jason: You know this town, don't you Gregory? 

Greg: Inside out.

Jason: Yew protect my boy, yew leave him to die then... I'll kill yew myself, even if it's the last thing I do.

Greg: Relax, I only hate Joey, I won't kill him… no one deserves that.

Joey: Yew killed people though, didn't you? 

Greg (flinching): They deserved it... they would have killed me, if I didn't act.

Joey: I have to live amongst people who want to kill me?

Greg: Welcome to Mortdale, Cou-Sen! 

The End

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