Frank Tibet is dead. Greg and his friends have lived to see another day, and in a new year, Mortdale looks ready for a fresh start.
However an influx of new faces including (to his horror) Greg's annoying older cousin Joey, indicate that Mortdale is the same as ever. And the newbies can expect anything other than Southern Hospitality.
(6th January, its 12 days exactly after Christmas day, since the events of Frank Tibet's but also Terry and Kerry's deaths. In his house, Greg is trying to sleep, haunted by the nightmares of the days gone by…)
Greg: AH SHIT! (Blindly punches air where Frank Tibet's face was a few moments ago, however he calms down and slowly realises he is awake)
Greg: (thinking): More nightmares, just what I need right now.
(Daz bursts in and looks around, his face drops)
Daz: Fucking hell Greg, you gave me a scare, thought you'd be getting laid at last and then I look around and your just...
Greg: twitching like a retard?
Greg: Daniel, I just can't shake these nightmares off.
Daz: Fucking hell Greg, just try will ya.
Greg: Well you could at least give me some better advice or news.
Daz: You've got school again tomoz.
Greg: Great, give me something to look forward to, I appreciate the help *Note the sarcasm*
Daz: You know I'm not the most emotive person. But I try.
Greg: Daniel saying "I try" in that soft voice and widening your eyes doesn't make me sympathise with you what so...
(To shut him up, Daz flicks on his cigarette lighter, a terrified Greg leaps under his bedcovers)
Greg: Get rid of the fire! GET RID OF IT!
Daz (chuckling): Alrite, Alrite, calm down…
(He flicks it off)
Greg: That was not funny!
Daz (still laughing): It was though.
Greg: How would you like it, if I got your phobia and dangled it in front of your face?
Daz: I doe have no phobia.
Greg: Everyone has one, fears, phobias,nightmares,you must have a few.
Daz: Yeah, you being a virgin by the time you're 15. Hang on a minute…
Greg: Yep I am still a virgin, scared yet?
Greg: What about Taz? I'm sure you want to "bang" her now to put it politely.
Daz: Doe go there Greg.
Greg: Oh wait that did happen, Taz. Well Tommy, he did feel you up, didn't he?
Daz: I dunno how the fuck he did it, hiding it from me that he was a man, now my mates woe stop laughing at me because first I fucked a bloody countess and I almost fucked a bloody bloke!
Greg: I don't understand why y'all so homophobic in this town.
Daz: We ay homophobic Greg, we just doe like gays cause there fucking queer.
Greg: Daniel, I came from the south, where attitudes towards Gay people was very low indeed. Yet I'm still accepting of gay people and not all of them are queer you know, many are just ordinary people terrified to come out the closet.
Daz: Greg, shut the fuck up gays stay closeted in this town.
Greg: That type of attitude, will come back to bite you in the bum one day.
Greg: Well let's just say Taz was a start, you keep pulling girls, and disrespecting gays, a guy might find his way into your bedroom.
Daz: As if! Not in my town they woe!
Greg (sighs): Then again, I suppose St. Louisville was a hell of a lot better than this place, we accepted , Gays, nerds, loners, gingers, blacks, disabled, the mentally Ill, everyone was accepted.
Daz: And Republicans?
Greg: (after a short pause) Well...
Daz: And hillbillies?
Greg: That's right, the attitudes in this town need to change, it seems me killing the chav leader, did nothing to make any difference?
Daz: Not really, still too many chavs out there.
Greg: Daniel whose side are you on? I know you're a chav, but I wanna change that.
Daz: Fucking hell Greg, I doe have a “side” I was just wanna get high and shag some birds.
Greg: You could also try and be a good carer and offer me emotional support. Y'aknow chavs trying to kill me every week, fear of fire scarring me for life, guilty of murdering people… grief at losses of friends… briefly hitting the bottle… all that and you act like it's nothing big! Have you got anything to say to me, at all, that will help!
Greg: Don't Eh me! Or I'll start Eh-ing you!
Daz: Thank God.
Greg: For what?
Daz: I'm not married, or else I'd know what it would be like to have two wives.
Greg: I don't bitch that much...!
Daz: Greg, you could sign up for The Real Housewives of Mortdale. The way you go on.
Greg: The Real Housewives of Mortdale ain't a show.
Daz: Maybe you could "change" the town and make it then?
Greg: You're supposed to console me at this point, or sumthin'. That's what good carer's do.
Daz: I ain't got anything for ya.
Greg: Great, thanks I feel so reassured *Note the Sarcasm*
Daz: Yeah so... (awkward pause) are you gonna go out today?
Greg: Nah, I'm staying in here, relaxin' before school tomorrow, I guess.
Daz: Well erm… I think you should go out.
Greg: Okay Daniel, why do you want me outta the house for?
Daz: I day say that.
Greg: But it was implied, you got a new girlfriend or...?
Daz (randomly asking): Greg, do you know our whole family tree?
Greg (perplexed): Ermm yeah, mum and dad had me. Dad had one brother and one sister… Auntie May Lou was your mother Daniel, but she died in that tractor accident when you were ten, you seemed fine since then. Well until you moved here, your dad's dead too right?
Daz: He died ages ago, I doe remember him and I doe want anyone knowing my mum's real name, it's fucking embarrassing.
Greg: Fine, I'll just say she was called Maz Loz.
Greg: Anyhow, there was dad. Then his older brother Jason and he went and had my annoying cousin Joey, they high-tailed it to Jersey and used to pay my family visits every year, I hated each visit, then my mother had…
Daz: So erm... you doe like your cousin Jason then?
Greg: No I hate the sleaze balls from Jersey. Jason and Joey like father like son with… hang on a minute why'd you ask?
Daz (nervous): Well, they phoned me a few days back.
Daz: Erm... yeah some business of theirs went bankrupt apparently, so there in desperate need of a place to stay, they sold their house to…
Greg: You make it sound like I should pity them.
Daz: (ploughing on): … get on a flight over here, they'll be stopping here.
Greg (mouth drops wide open): Those two are staying here, how long Daniel?
Daz: Not long at all.
Daz: (Sighs) They were thinking about living with his.
Greg: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Goes mad in rage and starts trashing his room)
Daz: Greg calm the fuck down! For fuck's sake!
.Greg: You choose to tell me this now! How long have you known!?
Daz: Eh… I knew for about a week or two.
Greg: And lemme guess there arriving today.
Greg: What time?
Greg: They chose to move here after all the stuff that's happened to me! (Spots Daz's guilty face) wait a minute, you didn't tell them anything did you!?
Daz: Ermm... he just called, knew we were in England and said they'd be here this time today, like you Greg, it seems that made that fucking stereotype about us living in mansions… so he came along.
Greg: WHAT A LOAD OF BULL...
Daz: There family though Greg. Doe know why you haven't told your friends about them yet.
Greg: Other than you, it's only them and Aunt Ursula-Marie who was 98 two years back, and I haven't heard from her since. So she's probably six feet under and you have no idea how much I loathe Jason and Joey, I'd actually rather move to Mortdale then live with them!
Daz: Wow you must hate em.
Greg: I'm sure the feeling is mutual, they hate me too, I hated having them coming round every year, and I'm sure they hated coming.
Daz: Well, you can bond with em, when they get here.
Greg: AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS!? THE PAIR OF THEM WILL BE LUCKY TO GET INTO THE TOWN WITHOUT BEING STABBED AND IF THEY SOMEHOW GET PAST LAKE…
(Lake whines at this point)
Greg: ...THEIR BOUND TO ASK ABOUT ALL THE LOVELY THINGS WE'VE DONE TOGETHER AND WHAT DO I TELL THEM THEN? YEAH I'VE HAD A BLAST, KILLING THE CHAV MASTER OF PURE EVIL OVER CHRISTMAS! EXPLORING A PAEDOPHILE'S FACTORY OF DEATH! COMPETING IN A DEADLY TOURNAMENT WHERE I LOST FRIENDS! BARELY ESCAPING A FLAMING ROLLER COASTER CRASH! WATCH MY SCHOOL GET DESTROYED BY A RIVAL SCHOOL, AS NERDS TRIED TO DRAG ME AWAY FROM ALL OF THE PEOPLE I CARED ABOUT! AND FIND MY PARENT'S MURDER THROUGH A STAB WOUND BY A CERTAIN SOMEONE!
(Glares at Daz)
Greg: AND THE QUEER ACT OF BRINGING OUT THE MURDERER, BY SINGING ON A PINK CAR!
Daz: Doe say queer Greg, that's homophobic.
Greg: Real Wall street rich, coming from you.
Daz: Still, Well when ya put it like that it, I suppose it explains enough.
(Greg glares at him)
Greg: And what are you planning to say to them? and don't just say Eh!
Greg: Typical, now…
(Knocks come from the front door)
Daz (panicking): Their here!
Greg: Then answer the door!
Daz: I ay spoken to em in five years and that was when I last visited St. Louisville and the last time you saw them was last year! So you speak to em!
Greg: Oh yeah, last time I spoke to Joey and Jason they put a cootie in my…!
Daz: Just go and fucking let them in!
Greg: FINE! (Goes to the door and has to hold a barking Lake back) well here we go. I wonder how they got this far without getting stabbed? still… this is it…
(Opens the door)