The TwitsMature

Act 7

(Mrs Conrad approaches Suzanne) 

Mrs Conrad: You! News lady!

Suzanne: Hello, do I know you? 

Mrs Conrad: Yes I'm from that school you end up reporting from every week.

Suzanne: Oh that school, I mean jeez, what is wrong with the place?

Mrs Conrad (glaring): I'm the head of that school.

Suzanne: Oh, I mean err... it's lovely… ha, ha… so erm... why are you here? 

Mrs Conrad: Since you have your nose in everyone's else's business.

Suzanne: It's my job, I'm a reporter.

Mrs Conrad (cutting though): Have you seen that hillbilly, you know who I'm on about. 

Suzanne: Oh! the blonde haired chap in the cap, hey that rhymes!

Mrs Conrad: Forget your pathetic literature skills for just a minute, you fame hungry whore and tell me if you have seen them! 

Suzanne: What him and his gang of friends? No, sorry.

Mrs Conrad: Useless (walks off) 

(Meanwhile) 

Mr Masterbate: (opens door)… and here pupils is the main computer room, the heart of the factory, where the power and data is generated.

Florence; Boring let's move on.

Jack: Computers have twitter on them.

Florence: Brilliant let's stay.

Thomas: Hypocritical much? 

Asif: Whoa look at these models, so much stuff I could investigate.

Mr Masterbate: Please refrain from touching the computers, now allow me to display to you a slide show on the factory and its origins, have some Patience and be respectful, than you’ll get to experience the real fun.

Imogen: Rape probably.

Greg: I’ll say, how are you finding this Imogen? 

Imogen: Bizarre, as always, shit, we've been down here a while. I wonder if my mum's looking for us.

Greg: Well she would want to protect her own daughter.

Imogen: Protect her own daughter. You're funny sometimes Greg.

Greg: Yeah I know, but still.

Lucy: Aww, that thought is so sweet! Mrs Conrad caring.

George: Yeah caring, it's nice ain't it Lucy? 

Lucy: Yeah.

George: Well Lucy I care about you and I was thinking if you'd like to… 

(Presentation starts to George's great annoyance but is then switched off instantly there is a buzz and someone screams OUCH!) 

Mr Masterbate: My workers don't tamper with things backstage!

Thomas: Then who did? 

(Mr Masterbate goes backstage and finds a electrocuted Asif holding a wire) 

Asif: That hurt.

Florence; ASIF! 

Asif: Asif, that's much catchphrase.

Jack: Asif were discussing this.

Greg: Asif ,It was Asif, what happened?

Gordon: Asif you're alright.

Lucy: Asif! Asif! Asif! Asif! Are you alright Asif?

George: Guys be quiet, Asif needs to tell us what happened, Asif it was Asif though.

Thomas: But it just cannot be Asif, Asif this is happening! What did you do Asif… 

Imogen: OH MY FUCKING GOD! YOU LOT ARE DRIVING ME ROUND THE BEND! 

Thomas: (whispering) Asif.

Mr Masterbate: Let me guess…

Asif: I- I tried to improve the quality of the screen.

Mr Masterbate: You couldn’t resist could you! You thought you could do it! But you couldn’t know the presentation is ruined and in your state you'll have to leave this tour! 

Asif: I know, I'm sorry.

(Asif is led off the tour) 

George: How come he doesn't get a song?

Mr Masterbate: Because he just broke all electronics in this room, and my workers are forbidden from entering.

George: Suppose that makes sense.

(They leave the computer room)

Mr Masterbate: Well for you remaining 7 children, I guess we'll skip right to the fun bit. 

Lucy: Sir there is actually…

Mr Masterbate: Are you ready then?

Imogen: Oh jeez here we go.

Gordon (whispering): Not rape, not rape, not rape…

(Mr Masterbate leads them to a great glass elevator) 

Imogen: Seriously?

Lucy: OMG a glass elevator! It's genius!

Imogen: Actually it's so ripped off from Charlie and The chocolate factory I wouldn't be surprised if it had all the room names on the sides.

Mr Masterbate: Err… don't be ridiculous.

Imogen: And the elevator does not just go up, it goes down and sideways, and diagonal and whatever else. 

Mr Masterbate: YOU'RE RUINING THE SURPRISE! 

Florence; THY ART SEE A TWITTER ROOM! 

Jack: Florence wait before you… 

(Too late she presses the button down and the elevator shoots off, everyone in the elevator goes flying as the elevator twists and turns) 

Greg: IS-THERE-ANYTHING-TO-HOLD-ONTO!

Mr Masterbate: Well I was going to warn you about that, before…

(Elevator stops so suddenly that everyone crashes into the glass wall, expect for Florence who dives out of the elevator towards the twitter room) 

Florence: MY GOD MY TWITTER IS EVERYWHERE! 

(Room is full of computers and twitter logos, and children working on the computers) 

Mr Masterbate: Yes my twitter room, have to keep track of the outside world sometimes.

Lucy: Sir don't you come out of this factory though?

Mr Masterbate: Ermm… yes.

George: Then why do you need a twitter room? 

Mr Masterbate: Ermm, I like to keep track of celebrities online, and chat too people too. 

Gordon: YOU-HAVE-A-TWITTER-ACCOUNT?!

Mr Masterbate: Yes, nothing wrong with that is there?

Imogen: Probably, one of those internet paedophiles.

Florence: THE LORD THY GOD! I CAN ADVERTISE THY ART TWITTER ACCOUNT ON ALL THESE COMPUTERS! 

Mr Masterbate: NO! ONLY CHILD WORKERS AND MYSELF CAN TOUCH THOSE COMPUTERS! IF A STRANGER DOES THEN…!

Jack: FLORENCE DON'T BE SO DELUDED! JUST STAY SAFE! 

(Florence guffaws) 

Florence: Yeah good luck telling me that. 

(She touches a keyboard and an alarm comes on, a panel opens on the ground below Florence, she falls down it screaming) 

Jack: AHH! MY LITTLE PRINCESS! WHAT HAPPENED TO HER!?

Mr Masterbate: Relax, she has merely gone down the garbage chute, the children will retrieve her from there and remove her shortly. 

Jack: Hurry! You know she can't handle rubbish and dirt. 

Imogen: Wow, I wonder how could we have not known that? 

Thomas: Why do you send intruders down a garbage chute? 

Mr Masterbate: So I can trap and ra… I mean err… catch and call the police on them. 

George: Right 

(Beat starts) 

Mr Masterbate: Another lesson needs to be learnt my children. 

(Veruca Salt Song plays)

Children: Florence McKinney is far from mute 

Jack: You can say that again 

And she has just gone down the garbage chute.

And she will greet as she descends, a rather different set of twitter trends 

Imogen: (Tweeting) Florence McKinney has just quit Twitter!!! #PartyTime! 

Thomas: Now that will start a twitter trend… the fame whore, actually not on a popular social networking site, where you can gain fame and attention.

A rather different set of twitter trends 

A rather different set of twitter trends 

The new head, for example, look;

this morning twitted shut the fuck up

An oyster from an oyster stew,

Has more followers on twitter than you do

 Jack: Now that is true

Florence you rattle on just like a bell 

The kind of torture equal in horrid hell, horrid hell.

These are Florence’s new found trends

That she will tweet as she descends.

These are Florence’s new found trends!

Who went and encouraged her, who indeed?

Who watched all of those damn live feeds?

Who turned her into such fame whored brat?

Who are the culprits? Who did that?

The guilty ones, now this is sad,

The general public now isn't that mad.  

(Song ends) 

Gordon: The general public should be ashamed.

Thomas: We are the general republic ,you nitwit!

Gordon: Oh.

Mr Masterbate: On with the tour then.

Jack: Whoa guys look at that! 

(He runs into the labelled TV room)

Gordon: Well, this room's big, and look at the plasma screen! Sick, fam!

Jack: Oh my god, you have reality TV here, let's sit down and watch some, come on guys. 

Mr Masterbate: No no no, the children were merely flickering though channels, put something educational on my children… 

Jack: No way keep The Valleys on! 

Greg: This show is trailer trash.

Jack: So are you! 

Mr Masterbate: Jack we need to move on with the tour, are you coming?

Jack: No way, this is the latest episode!

Imogen: A group of orange aliens making annoying noises. TV gold right there.

 Mr Masterbate: Very well then, like your classmates you are also being kicked off the tour, because of your refusal to move and like them you have a lesson to learn. 

(Children have to drag him) 

Jack: NOOOOOOOOOO I NEED TO SEE… 

(He is dragged of the sofa and dragged out as a beat starts) 

Mr Masterbate: Reality TV it does no good.

(Mike Teavee Song Plays) 

Children: The most important thing that we've ever earned 

The most important thing we've earned as far as people are concerned 

Are our ever, ever dear singing voices you bet? 

Or better still just get famous by absolutely nothing at all

Thomas: Aboustley nothing at all is 75% of celebrities today.

Never, never let anyone with a brain stem 

Never, never let anyone with a brain stem

Never, never let anyone with a brain stem 

Never, never let anyone with a brain stem 

George: That’s me then.

Imogen: Getting big headed, George?

Watch Reality TV it kills the senses in the head

It keeps desired ambition dead

It keeps humanity one step behind 

It puts mankind into a state of decline 

So null, so null

Jack can no longer understand an epic fail, a from an epic bail 

A epic bail, an epic tale 

His brain becomes filled with lust and sleaze 

His thinking powers rust and freeze

He cannot think he only pays TV fees! 

Regarding little Jack we see 

We very much regret that we

Regret that we

Shall simply have to get him to stop watching this TV!

Jack (from distance): I heard that (guffaws) and good luck trying!

Stop watching this TV, Watching this TV, watching this TV, watching this TV watching this TV 

We very much regret that we

Shall simply have try and stop reality TV

If we can get talent back to his might 

But if we can't...

Jack's future is shite

(Song ends) 

Imogen: Nice conclusion you have there. 

Mr Masterbate: Two more down… only 6 of you children left.

Lucy: Actually… 

Mr Masterbate: On with the tour… 

The End

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