All They Ever WantedMature

Act 6 

(Mrs Conrad bursts into Mortdale prison) 

Receptionist: JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! 

Mrs Conrad: Foolish human, have you seen my daughter? or better yet, a capped blonde haired hillbilly roaming this prison.

Receptionist: Him… no. (whispers) Thank the Lord.

(Meanwhile)  

Mr Masterbate: STOP THE BOAT!

(Boat stops) 

Imogen: That boat ride was the most normal part of the tour so far, Ironic really.

Jack: Now where are we? 

Mr Masterbate: Here my class, we have the reproductive room. where we study sex, but I would not recommend going in as...

(Too late Chantelle has gone inside and the rest of the class follows her) 

Chantelle: DA FUCK MAN! WHERE ARE ALL THE BOYS!?

Florence: We are surrounded by books! 

Jack: Well nah, oh great, boring books I'd much prefer reality TV. 

George: Jack those shows are garbage you know that?

Jack: Don't care, still like em.

Thomas: God, how vulgar.

Lucy: I know right, like my Ben Nevis buddy… 

Thomas: Ben Nevis buddy? 

Lucy: Yeah, when me and my family went to visit Scotland… 

Imogen: its general population increased. 

Lucy: … No me and this other guy looked at Ben Nevis at the same time and were the exact same distance, so were Ben Nevis buddies, anyhow he later went on Reality TV, I know because I recognised his face and he has turned for the worse.

Greg: Right cool story.

Chantelle: SIR WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE DICK'S AND FANNY'S!

Mr Masterbate: Chantelle, this a room for sexual study not intercourse.

Chantelle: Study? 

Greg: Why do you have this room sir? 

Mr Masterbate: Ermm for… ermm... study purposes? 

Imogen: I’ll bet.

Chantelle: Well I'm horny, gonna just have to use this book edge as my dildo for now.

Aaron: But we can't use the books as muff.

Thomas: Muff?

Gordon: Clunge. Ay it.

Thomas: Clunge?

Gordon: Fuck's sake man, It's fanny, Girl's vagina, just because you ain't getting any, doesn't mean you can't name it.

Thomas (embarrassed): Well I...

Mr Masterbate: CHANTELLE NO! THAT IS A VINTAGE BOOK!

Chantelle: So I'm a vintage girl, I need some action, if I don't I'll cease to function! 

Imogen: Oh you poor soul.

Ryan: I know right poor Chan.

Imogen: Does anybody here get sarcasm? Or am I speaking to a brick wall (She learns she is indeed, speaking to brick wall) 

(Chantelle begins to strip) 

Mr Masterbate: CHANTELLE PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! 

Chantelle: Nah, I've been naked loads of times, especially in your class sir, no biggie.

Mr Masterbate (finally having enough): CHANTELLE DUE TO YOUR SHAMEFUL ACTIONS, YOU ARE KICKED OFF THIS TOUR!

Chantelle: What?

(Children appear and try to drag Chantelle off)

Chantelle: I'll go, but only if I get a good song. So have I got platinum love shy? 

Mr Masterbate: No you have… (without any changes in the lyrics, and the most obvious choice of song, Chantelle has "Stupid Hoe" By Nicki Minaj)

Chantelle (when the children stop singing) Got a point?

Mr Masterbate: Oh for... just get out her, out of my sight!

(Chantelle is led away) 

Florence: The correct term is “BANISH THE WITCH!"

Mr Masterbate: You're dropping like flies.

Greg: I’m surprised we lasted this long actually.

 Mr Masterbate: Well let's get out of here.

Ryan: Yeah, this place is as boring as fuck.

Aaron: Yeah, were hard we doe belong here.

Gordon: YEAH, WE AM HARD!

Imogen: Gordon's grammar fail of the day.

Mr Masterbate: Now let's leave before… 

(Too late Ryan has spotted the models room, he finds a locked door and somehow opens it and bursts inside) 

Ryan: I've died and gone to heaven 

(Several girls and women are strapped to the floor, all naked and gagged) 

Ryan: Right time for me to do someone.

Imogen: Screw them more like.

Greg: WHY ON EARTH OUR THERE NAKED TIED UP MODELS IN THIS ROOM ARE THEY SEX SLAVES?

Mr Masterbate: (hastily): They are... err... female prisoners! Too dangerous to approach I'm trying to make them good you know so…

Imogen: Are we going to see something soon that isn't sex related?

Greg: Yeah feels like I've walked into the world's biggest brothel. 

Mr Masterbate: We will if you...

Ryan: FUCK THE REASONS! I NEED A SHAG NOW! I HAVEN'T HAD ONE IN 20 MINUTES!

Imogen: Oh you poor lonely boy.

Greg: Imogen I picked up on your sarcasm this time.

Imogen: Thanking you kindly.

(Ryan begins to approach one of the models) 

Mr Masterbate: RIGHT THAT IS IT MR ELROD! LIKE MISS DELORIS YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOUR LUST, SO YOU ARE ALSO BOOTED OF THIS TOUR! 

(Ryan is too busy staring at the nude women to care)

Mr Masterbate: Very well then… workers! 

(Beat starts) 

Jack: This will be good… 

(Violet Beauregarde Song begins to play)

Children: Listen close, and listen hard, the tale Ryan Elrod.

Ryan: The legendary sex god.

This dreadful dude he sees no wrong

Doing, screwing, doing, screwing, doing, and screwing all day long.

Imogen: This is actually pretty catchy.

Screwing, screwing all day long

Doing, doing all day long

Screwing, screwing all day long

He goes on shagging so damn fast,

his goddamn muscles grow so vast, 

And from his place, he laughs and grins,obnoxious to his own sins 

Screwing, Screwing all day long

Doing, Doing all day long

Screwing, Screwing all day long

For years and years he shags away, 

His muscles get stronger every day.

And with one great tremendous eww... 

The poor old Condom splits in two 

And that is why we try so hard,

to save Ryan getting a premature parenting job! 

Screwing, screwing all day long

Doing, doing, all day long

Screwing, Doing, Screwing, Doing, Screwing, And Doing All Day Long.

(Song finishes, the Children have to drag Ryan away from the models and drag him off the tour) 

Mr Masterbate: Right on with the tour.

Florence: So where shall we venture next? 

Aaron: Well I think we should go to another sex room.

Mr Masterbate: Well I'm leader here, so I will lead the tour onwards.

Gordon: CAN WE SEE SOMETHING GOOD!? (pause) PLEASE! 

Mr Masterbate: Yes of course we can.

Florence (tweeting): should be going to see something good soon love you all xxxxxxx 

Jack: Florence, you are aware you barely have any followers on twitter right?

Florence: Jack, you're so deluded. I have lots of followers and they all care about what I say.

Aaron: Well guys come on this way.

Mr Masterbate: No, we are going into the core of the factory, you are heading the other way. 

Aaron: Well as leader of the chavs, I think I know what’s best for everyone…

Lucy: Thomas you're the nerd leader, do something! 

Thomas: Don't get me involved! 

Mr Masterbate: I would like to point out that Gordon is currently the only chav left.

Gordon: I have nothing to do with this.

Aaron: Right guys I'm going this…

Mr Masterbate: AARON STOP! 

Aaron: Look I know what is best for fucking everyone, so don't tell me what…

(He gets no further, as he has unknowingly stumbled right back to the boat but has missed that and fallen straight into the sewer line) 

Gordon: AARON NO! 

Imogen: Yes! Served him right.

Mr Masterbate: Oh dear, the arrogant chav leader thinks he knows everything, typical stupid teenager.

(Aaron swims to the other side of the bank as a beat starts) 

Mr Masterbate: WELL AARON YOU'RE OFF THE TOUR TOO AND THIS SONG MAY RING SOME BELLS FOR YOU!

(All I Ever Wanted By Basshunter begins to play)

Children: All I ever wanted

Was to see you crying

I know that I hate you

Are you crazy why don't you see?


All I ever wanted

Was to see you crying

All I ever wanted

Because you were unkind

I know that I hate you

Are you crazy why don't you see?

That all I ever wanted

Was to lower your self- esteem 


All I ever wanted

Was to see you crying

All I ever wanted

For you because you were unkind

I know that I hate you

Are you crazy why don't you see?

That all I ever wanted

Was to lower your self esteem 


I'm at home

Here on my own

And I'm waiting for you to drone 

I want to kick, the crap out of you

Imagine all the things I could do
And every day

You're in my head

I want to have you lying dead

You are the one

You're in my sights

All I ever wanted in my life


All I ever wanted

Was to see you crying

All I ever wanted

For you because you were unkind

I know that I hate you

Are you crazy why don't you see?

That all I ever wanted

For you to be an absentee, 

Greg: Damn were down too...?

Imogen: 9.

Mr Masterbate: Me and you 8, right let's move onwards… 

(They move on) 

The End

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