Songs from AnuvahoodMature

Act 4

(At Daz's house, Mrs Conrad is banging on the door) 

Daz: What!?(opens door) SHIT! 

Mrs Conrad: Yes shit indeed.

Daz: WHADDYA WANT!?

Mrs Conrad: My daughter was supposed to be home 20 minutes ago and yet she is still out. 

Daz: Eh.

Mrs Conrad: Being Greg's pathetic excuse of a guardian, surely you must know where they have wondered off too? 

Daz: He said, he was going to town.

Mrs Conrad: Right wherever Greg goes the others will go.

(Aaz Dies) 

Daz: WTF AAZ! 

Mrs Conrad: Oh how tragic *Note the sarcasm* 

Daz: WTF AAZ!? BREATHE WHAT THE FUCK! 

Mrs Conrad: Useless Background character, had no purpose anyhow, she deserved to drop dead. 

Daz: BOLLOCKS! HOW THE WORLD DOES SOMEONE JUST DROP DEAD? 

Mrs Conrad: People with brain defects can drop dead, like you.

Daz (sobbing): How will I get over this?

Mrs Conrad: Your relationship status is “Single”.

(Daz cheers up instantly) 

Daz: RIGHT THAT'S BRILL, LAKE! DINNERS ON THE FLOOR! 

(Lake drags the body away) 

Mrs Conrad: Disgusting, Cannibalistic, dog.

Daz: Right I'm going to da club to pull some chicks, how about I start on you hey headmistress? Don't push me away, you know you want me.

Mrs Conrad: Try that and the only thing you will be pushing upwards, will be the daisies. 

(Daz gulps as Mrs Conrad sets off) 

(Meanwhile in the factory) 

Mr Masterbate: So here is the meadow.

Sanjay: Why is the door so small?

Mr Masterbate: To conceal all the big things inside. 

Ryan: Like my cock.

(Door is opened and there is a model of the town of Mortdale, lying on a meadow)

Lucy: Sir Is this...?

Mr Masterbate: Yes, a massive room containing a mini model of Mortdale, an exact replica.

John: That’s fake and gay.

Gordon: IT'S AMAZING! 

Imogen: It's a little freaky though.

George: Whoa, every single detail of these mini buildings is accurate.

Greg: I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE! 

Chantelle: Can we step on these buildings sir? 

Mr Masterbate: No one is too touch or wreck my works of art. 

Asif: Asif that will happen.

Aaron: I'm gonna chill by da mini club. 

Lucy: Well George, I guess I just figured out how Mr Masterbate tracks us down.

George: Yeah it's bizarre.

Chaniqua: OMG the street corner is perfect! I'll go stand there.

Imogen (hissing): Like the whore you are.

Jack: This replica of the local canals is amazing.

Florence: THY ART DROWNING! SOMEONE SAVE ME, THY ART DIE IN THIS WATER! 

Jack: Florence its two centimetres deep, get up.

(Sighing, Florence does) 

Mr Masterbate: BOY! STOP THAT YOU'RE DESTROYING MY WORKS OF ART! 

Florence: THY ART USE THE WORD ART! 

George: (sighing) Oh Aaron, he could not control himself.

Greg: I know, right?

Aaron (from behind them): Some loony Is destroying da mini club, honestly some people have no self-control.

George: Yeah you said it, hang on... Aaron!?

Aaron: What? 

Greg: You're not destroying things?

Aaron: Nah.

George: Then who is? 

(Thomas gasps when he sees it is Sanjay destroying da club) 

Thomas: SANJAY STOP THAT! 

(Sanjay is jumping on the Da club) 

Sanjay: DIE! FUCKING DIE! HA! WOOOOO THIS FEELS SO GOOD! 

Mr Masterbate: BOY STOP IT! YOUR OWN DELUSION IT'S NOT HELPING YOU HERE! 

Sanjay: BEING OPRESSED IS FUCKING SHIT, JUST LET ME FANATISE ABOUT DESTROYING THIS CHAVVY TOWN JUST ONCE! 

Asif: Sanjay stop that! Come over here it's not safe there! 

Sanjay: NOT SAFE!? WHAT IS A SPLINTER GONNA HURT ME!?

Thomas: SANJAY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU CANNOT DESTROY THE CHAVS, NOW STOP BEING AN IDIOT AND GET OVER HERE BEFORE… 

Greg: Jesus its Ethan mark 2.

Imogen: Whose Ethan? 

George: A nerd who took Greg hostage, like Sanjay here he also felt oppressed by this town.

Imogen: I wonder how that feels *note the sarcasm* 

Mr Masterbate: GET OFF THOSE…! 

Sanjay: WHAT! 

(Hears a distant rumbling)

Mr Masterbate: Train tracks.

(A gigantic train comes from nowhere and Sanjay is run over and killed instantly, but the train drags his body away and the others are all panicked, but don't know he is dead) 

Thomas: SANJAY! 

Mr Masterbate: (To child workers): Get rid of the body. (Back to class) IT'S OKAY HE'LL BE FINE! JUST A MINI TRAIN! 

Charmaine: MINI!? IT'S FUCKING HUGE!

Ryan: Like my cock, hey?

Thomas: Just shut up!

Chantelle: Sir why was the train so big and everything else so small? 

Mr Masterbate: Ermm... because the real train line actually runs into this room, same way the canals are really the sewage lines.

(Florence who is covered in this sewage water, faints) 

Jack: Well done.

Mr Masterbate: Sorry, but I told you not to snoop around or go completely mental, or insane.

(Beat starts) 

Chantelle: ANOTHER SONG!

Mr Masterbate: In light of these events lessons must be learnt, my class. 

(All Star by Smash Mouth begins to play)

Children: Sanjay once told me the world is a place to flee.

 I was the biggest fool and most likely to end up dead

Thomas: Hang on a minute? Plot hole time. Since when did Sanjay know any of these children?

Mr Masterbate: He didn't it's purely improvisation for the song, to express a personality flaw.

He was looking kind of glum with his finger and his thumb

In the shape of a cross on his forehead

Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming

I obeyed his rules and I kept on running

Didn't make sense to stop for anyone 

Your brain gets smart but inside your dead and glum

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with defying a boring lifestyle repeat 

Thomas: What's wrong with it! You'll die!?

You'll never know if you don't go 

Step out of that bunker and you'll know… 

[Chorus:]

Hey now you got so far, Sanjay you didn’t have a good day 

Hey now this shock felt afar you avoided the knife blade 

And all those instructions are old 

Only hypocritical stars disobey all they were told

Imogen: So Sanjay did wrong, because he was a hypocrite? 

Mr Masterbate: No, it was because he was deluded.

Imogen: But it doesn't mention he was deluded… 

Chantelle: Ugh, just shut up and listen.

Imogen: But makes no… 

Chantelle: SHUT UP! 

It's a dull place and they say it gets colder

Children are bundled up now but wait 'til you get older

But Sanjay in his den begs to differ

Judging by the hoes in the rising pregnancy figures 

The nice friends we make are dying pretty quick 

Lucy: Well that's true, reminds me of the time… 

Our Daughters getting pregnant, so you might as well get a violin 

My world's pretty dire? how about yours?

That's the way Sanjay saw yet he broke safety rules

 Imogen: So he was a hypocrite then, that's my conclusion.

[Repeat Chorus 2x]

Sanjay once asked could I prayer for some change at mass

We need to get ourselves away from this place

I said yep what a concept

But it turned out he was a fool himself

And we could all use a little location change

Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming

I obeyed his rules and I kept on running

Didn't make sense to stop for anyone 

Your brain gets smart but inside your dead and glum

So much to do so much to see

So what's wrong with defying a boring lifestyle repeat? 

You'll never know if you don’t go 

Step out of that bunker and you’ll know…

(The Song Ends Sanjay’s body is moved away) 

George: Like Thomas said, Since when did Sanjay tell these kids all that? 

Mr Masterbate: Like I said, He didn't the song lyrics are flexibly made to base on your flaws.

Greg: How on earth do they know about our flaws? 

Mr Masterbate: Erm... no reason really, It's not like I told them or anything, because that would just be creepy (laughs) 

Gordon: Yeah fam, like creepy fam… yeah man… fam… 

Chaniqua:(Suddenly)THIS ROOM IS BORING! 

Richard (from distance): TIMES TO GETS A MOVE ONS THEN!

Mr Masterbate: Right follow me into… 

(Opens door at the corner of the room) 

Mr Masterbate: MY OWN PRISON! 

(Lots of locked cages, with burly men carrying weapons) 

Imogen: What on earth is this room for?

Gordon: Dis is so gay fam.

John: And Fake.

Mr Masterbate: I stare at those sexy hunks though (stops himself) I mean I train them for an... err... army of my own!

Imogen: An army? 

Mr Masterbate: Ermm yes...they're fit… 

Chantelle: You can say that again.

Mr Masterbate: …And well trained, hence the weapons. I'm trying to change them from criminals to decent folks ready to fight for justice! 

Jack (guffawing): Good luck with that.

Mr Masterbate: I know that, still we should leave, the men here are still dangerous and armed, but locked up I brought you in here to show the good I can do. So we'll move on into… 

Chaniqua: OH- MY-FUCKING-GOD!

(Spots a massive black man with a mace inside one of the cells, he has a six pack) 

Chantelle and Charmaine: FIT!

Chaniqua: OH MY GOD I NEED A SHAG WITH HIM NOW! 

Mr Masterbate: NO! DO NOT APPROACH THAT SPECIMEN! 

Chaniqua: DA FUCK WITH THAT, HE IS FIT! 

Greg: Why are people being classified as Animals today? it's him or her, what's so difficult in saying that? 

(He is ignored, meanwhile the child workers appear and try to pull Chaniqua back) 

Chaniqua: GTFO I NEED A SHAG LIKE NOWAH!

Chantelle: I'll have a go after you.

Mr Masterbate: That thing is called a “Tyrone”… 

Imogen: Very “Anuvahood” if you ask me.

Mr Masterbate: It is one of the most dangerous specimen's and… NO CHANIQUA, DO NOT APPROACH IT, IT IS DANGEROUS!

(Chaniqua breaks free of children and charges at Tyrone) 

Chaniqua (Veruca Salt style) I WANT IT NOW!

Tyrone: I recommend you back off yeah!

Lucy: DO SOMETHING!

Mr Masterbate: I DON'T WANT TO LOSE AN ARM! 

Lucy: How did you even catch it!?

Florence: THOU ARE AWARE IT IS A HE! NOT AN IT!

(She is ignored to her annoyance) 

Greg: Thanks for tryin' anyhow Florence. 

Mr Masterbate: SOMEONE STOP THIS!

Florence: Okay but first, let me take a selfie, (she does) and tweet my good deed.

Lucy: I'll ask again, how did you catch it?

Mr Masterbate: It was high on drugs, when I managed to catch it.

Thomas: Let's just get away from here before things…

(It's too late as Chaniqua reaches Tyrone)

Chaniqua: (To Tyrone) Well come on then, get your dick out.

Tyrone: Fuck this, I ain't shagging you.

(He uses his mace to bash Chaniqua in the head, as she is too close to the cage and then he cuts her skull open and blood spurts all over the place. By the time Chaniqua hits the floor she is dead).

Chantelle: CHANQUIA!

Lucy: OH GOD NO! SHE'S DEAD! 

Mr Masterbate: Oh this is just great! Two dead already.

Thomas: Wait? does that mean Sanjay is dead too? 

Mr Masterbate: Err…maybe.

Asif: NO! Asif this can be happening!

Thomas: NO! SANJAY NO! 

Jack: (As everyone falls to pieces around him) and you'd said we'd be fine.

Mr Masterbate: You would, if you did not going snooping around.

( A beat begins) 

George: A song now is little insensitive to their memories, don't you think?

Mr Masterbate: More lessons must be learnt, my class, no matter how harsh.

(Leona Lewis' Bleeding Love plays, )

Child: Disposed of real love, Chaniqua had benefits to claim

 Once or twice was enough and it was a pain 

Time starts to pass; before you know it you’re chosen 

And something happened for the very first time with you

Chaniqua's heart melted to the ground, found something true

George: I hugely doubt that 

And everyone's looking round if there worlds have gone hazy 

But you didn't care you kept her at bay, your shoved her off you

Tyrone: This song aimed at me blad! 

Mr Masterbate (whispering): Don't answer you'll provoke it. 

They try to pull me away but they don't know the silly youth

Our numbers tripled but she carried on posing 

Florence: Someone other than me posing, no wonder she did so much wrong. 

You cut her open and she… 

Kept bleeding, kept, kept bleeding of course

She kept bleeding, she kept, kept bleeding blood 

Kept bleeding, kept, kept bleeding of course

Gordon: I DON'T LIKE BLOOD! 

Imogen: I've noticed you tend not to like a lot of things.

Children: (As more of them join in singing) You cut her open 

Trying hard not to fear but she was so loud

Her piercing sounds felt your ears, trying to ask you out 

Yet we know that her soul held things appalling,

But nothing's greater than the crush that comes when you swing your mace

And in this world of loneliness we see your face

Yet everyone around us thinks that were going crazy

Maybe, maybe

But we don't care what they say , Chaniqua was led astray 

We tried to pull her away but she don't know the stupid youth 

Our numbers tripled but she carried on posing 

You cut her open and she 

Kept bleeding, kept, kept bleeding of course

She kept, she kept, kept bleeding blood

Kept bleeding, kept, kept bleeding of course

You cut her open 

And as harsh as it may seem

They’ll  find it hard to believe

We'll be declaring this death for everyone to see

We don't care what they say, Chaniqua was led astray 

We tried to pull her away but they don't know the silly youth 

Our numbers tripled but she carried on posing 

You cut her open and she 

Kept bleeding, kept, kept bleeding of course

She kept, she kept, kept bleeding blood

Kept bleeding, kept, kept bleeding of course

You cut her open

Kept bleeding, kept on bleeding blood

(They finish and the body is carried away by the children) 

Tyrone: That kill was a property of Tyrone!

Mr Masterbate: In light of these tragic accidents let us go eleswhere.

(they leave room and end up back in the Meadow room) 

Chantelle: MY FRIEND IS DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU! 

Asif: SO IS MINE!

Mr Masterbate: Just keep calm and keep to instructions and you'll be fine.

Imogen: Where's the way out? I've had enough of this.

Mr Masterbate: Oh dear it seems I've lost it.  

George: No you haven't The exit is right… 

Mr Masterbate: No it isn't… (Shoves them forward and then into a large room)

The End

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