The ClosetMature

Act 2

(Greg, George, Imogen, Lucy, Jack, Florence, Thomas, Asif, Sanjay and an unnoticed Jaya are having a lunch in Pizza hut) 

Lucy (sighing): There were so many of us before. Dean, Elliot, Sarah, Rhys, Dev, Mohammed, Ahmed, Sanjeet, Rose and Lily even Caz, and Mary-Sue. (Gets "The Glare" from Imogen) I mean yeah, even if she was all crazy and evil, still… 

Thomas: All those we have lost.

Jack: Only 9 of us here and two of us are new.

Jaya: Actually there are 10… 

Greg: So there are 7 of you original none chavs left?

Jaya: No there is eig… 

Jack: Yeah only 7 of us.

Florence: TIS A TRAGEDY! 

Jack: Keep your voice down! You're unwanted eyes.

Florence: Really! Brilliant! 

Jack: Florence please, I can't deal with this any more!

Imogen: Brace yourself you breakup 329.

Florence: Actually that's breakup 674.

Lucy: (blurting out) OH FOR GOD'S SAKE! What are we doing here? 

George: Having pizza, calm down maybe? And you suggested we come here by the way.

Florence: (Immature voice): Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaah.

Lucy: I just, I feel on edge all the time now.

Imogen: Must be because of all the shit we went though.

Lucy: I suppose, Dean and Elliot gone… (Sobs) 

George: Hey come on were safe now.

Asif: ASIF! 

Sanjay: Safe in Mortdale? My God that is funny.

Imogen: A joke that actually made me laugh.

Thomas: True, it has never been safe in Mortdale, but we got though it. But since Greg arrived, the chaotic events have claimed many of us.

Asif: I miss our old bunker back in White View.

Lucy: I have memories of the place.

Imogen: I never went to the place.

(Pause as they all remember White View) 

Jack: Hey, that's it! 

George: What's it? 

Jack: We could go to White View tomorrow, all of us! 

Greg: Why would we wanna do that? 

Jack: Relive old memories, see how the place is doing, see what changes their making.

Florence: Sounds thou art have an idea, I daresay.

Lucy: That's an amazing idea Jack! 

Thomas: Alright then, tomorrow we'll meet outside the school. Heck it's something to do to kill time.

Greg: Sounds gate grinding great, what could go wrong? 

Imogen: Absolutely everything, now you've said that.


(Aaron, John, Gordon, Ryan, Chelsea, Helpless TA, Charmaine, Chaniqua and Chantelle are on the street corner) 

Helpless TA: Why am I here? 

Chelsea: Because I think, you have to follow me.

  Aaron: Well she can't identify chains, her low IQ is returning.

Gordon: Good, we could use an immortality shield!

Ryan: Nah man! Were hard, we doe need a shield! 

Gordon: I mean yeah, I was just getting high again! 

Charmaine: Y'am always high.

Chantelle: So I wonder who the daddy of this bab is? 

Charmaine: Wide load of options.

Chantelle: Probably's Ryan's.


Ryan: I dunno.

Chantelle: Going to orphanage anyhow, or me mam can look after it, I need some child benefit already.

Chaniqua: I know, you should really get some.

 John: That… is actually a good idea.

Ryan: No it ain't its fake and Gay.

Aaron: Well that was fucking strange.

Chelsea: Anyhow guys, where too tomorrow?

(They rack their pea sized brains for several minutes) 

John: Can't think of anywhere.

Ryan: Actually speaking of little people, why don't we go back to White View tomoz? 

Chantelle: Why in my world inside my vage? Would you wanna go there for? 

Ryan: I wanna see if Mr Masterbate keeps little one's in his school closet, you now the original one back in White View, I wanna see if there really are kids inside, it may stop the construction workers but it woe fucking stop us! 

(Astoundment all round) 

Chelsea: That is clever.

Aaron: For probably the first and the only time in my life. I agree with Chelsea.


Ryan: It's on… 

(The next day at Daz's) 

Daz: Where am you Goin? 

Greg: Out.

Daz: There's no school.

Greg: Out to town.

Daz: With friends? 

Greg: Yes friends.

Daz: Girlfriend? 

Greg: No, not yet… 

Daz: Greg you need to hurry up and fucking get one!

Greg: It ain't a contest Daz, I suppose you have another one already?

Daz: Yeah actually, say hello to Aaz

(Aaz enters) 

Aaz: Hi.

Greg: Aaz? That makes sense.




All (especially Jaya): GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! 

(She does) 

Daz: See Greg, here I got one.

Greg: Got “One” she's a person, not an animal Daniel.

Daz: Come on, you should know me by now Greg. I wouldn't insult it, this one seems obedient. I think it really understands me.

Greg: “It” is not a very respectful term Cousin Daniel, back in St. Louisville I addressed ladies with dignity.

Daz: And would you class the likes of Shaz a lady?

Greg: Well no… but… 

Daz: Well then shut up and accept me new girlfriend.

Greg:(whispering) And what's she like?

Daz: Dunno, random… 

Greg: What do you mean? 

Aaz: Well come on Daz, I believe Greg has to go out.

Greg: Whoa she called me Greg! And not Graz! 

Daz: I know got myself a fit bird to bang, Greg just go, and watch out for Lake. I think he has rabies.

Greg: Yeah great… 

(Leaves, tiptoeing around a sleeping Lake, who has rabies) 

(He puts on the Black Crest Uniform George gave him and sneaks though Mortdale Park, he reaches White View) 

Greg: Well Howdy again White View 

(It is in a state of repair, construction instruments are dotted around, as well as a few workers)

George: So Greg how is it doing? 

(He arrives with Lucy, Imogen, Jack, Florence, Thomas, Asif, Sanjay and Jaya who is trailing behind) 

Lucy: Well then we are all here, let's sneak in.

Thomas: And get back to our old bunker.

Imogen: Whoa, we can’t just sneak in, it's completely blocked and… 

Jack: You're forgetting something, we live in Mortdale, there is always a way in, it will be easy to find, as long as we don't draw attention to ourselves.

(looks at Florence) 

Florence:(Beaming): I wouldn't dare.

Thomas: Of course you wouldn't, past experience with you has proved that.

Greg: Let's go 

(They reach a 1 foot high barricade) 

Imogen: Wow, real barricade this, we'll never get in now.

(They break in and sneak around) 

George: Man, the Crestor Crew, really trashed this place.

Jack: (At a passing rat) UGH! DISTUGING! 

Florence: Jack get a hold of yourself, drama queen.

Thomas: Word, Hypocrite ring a bell?

Jack: Hey Florence.

Florence: What? 

Jack: 4 centimetre spider ahead.

(Florence faints) 

Greg: So Imogen spend the money nicely? 

Imogen: What? the 20 quid it got stolen.

Greg: I'm sorry for your loss.

Imogen: Doesn't matter. not much a difference anyhow,besides mum caught the robber. 

Greg: Oh heck, what happened?

Imogen: We didn't get the 20 quid back; the robber didn't get his head back.

Greg: That must have been a sight and a half.

 Imogen: Yeah, Dad was puking at the site of the severed head; Mum was in a rage as usual.

Greg: Over 20 dollars?

Imogen: 20 quid you mean, (Greg nods) Well that's Mortdale for you. still your Cousin get a new girlfriend yet?

Greg: Yeah some girl called Aaz.

George: Aaz? 

Imogen: Could have a girlfriend called Zsa Zsa, translated as ZZZ. 

Greg (laughing): True, but this Aaz girl seems nice and could finally be the girl Daniel needs.

George: That's nice, but still Imogen where did you hear the name Zsa Zsa from, which retarded women would call herself that?

Imogen: I know right? I just looked it up online the once, Zsa Zsa, what a stupid name.

Jack: My mum is called Zsa Zsa.

(This is sadly true) 

Asif: ASIF! 

George: LOL!

Lucy: When you're not watching reality TV Jack, you are hilarious you know.

Jack: Ermm… I'm not joking guys

Florence: Oh yes I remember your mother now, she was friends with Mrs Ougar, just like her too apparently.

Imogen: Mother of God you poor child.

(She is cut off by approaching footsteps) 

Jack: Workers! 

Sanjay: RUN! 

(They all run into a deserted classroom and then collide with the chavs) 


Chantelle and Imogen: WHY ARE YOU HERE? 

Thomas and Ryan: HOW DID YOU GET HERE? 

(Confused Pause) 

Greg and Aaron: To check how the school was doin'.

Chantelle and Imogen: To check Mr. Masterbate's closet/ the nerd bunker and other things.

Thomas and Ryan: We got past the one foot high barricade.

(Another pause) 

Chelsea: So guys were all in here now.

Chantelle: Orgy time.

George: No, not Orgy time, bad Chantelle! bad!

Chantelle: I'M NOT A DOG! 

Imogen: Really? could have fooled me.

Aaron: Oh that was well bad! 

Chantelle: Just the fuck up you ugly fucking midget, or I'll bang you the fuck out! 

Asif: Guys be quiet! You'll attract the workers to this room and we'll be caught. 

Charmaine: Don't care though.

Sanjay: This is where Rose had her throat silt and we escaped into the air vent. 

Charmaine: Don't care though.

Imogen: The Good Ol' Days huh?

Ryan: Well we are all here, let's go in the closet then.

Greg: Wait a flaming minute. No way, in my already messed up life, am I going near that red hot rooting closet, any time this damn minute! 

George: Greg everyone's going to go in anyway.

Greg (sighing): Yeah I guess so… 

Thomas: What about the bunker?

Aaron: This first, so shut it nerd.

(The moment has come, the door has finally been unlocked, after a bunch of moves from the chavs and Chantelle sitting on the locks, they have all broken and the door is ready to be opened)   

Lucy: The moment of truth.

Gordon: The moment horror will be unleashed.

Ryan: We all ready to do this? 

Aaron: Hell fucking yeah! 

Helpless TA: I really don’t have another option do I? 

Greg: No you don't.

(Aaron opens the door to blackness) 

Jack: IT'S DARK! 

Imogen: So that makes it automatically terrfying?


Thomas: Can you go a day without mentioning death Florence?

Aaron: Doubt it.

Thomas: Will you two shut up, right we need to...

(Without any warning, Mr Masterbate reaches out from the closet and grabs Aaron and pulls him inside) 

Gordon (Woman from Carry on Behind Voice): OH MY GAWD! 

John: I ain't saving him, it's fake and Gay.

Ryan: Well I ain't ditching a mate, plus I still wanna know what's inside.

Greg: (Wearily) let's go then… 

(Everyone runs in to save him, but as they all run in the door closes and there are left in darkness) 

Mr Masterbate: LIGHTS! 

(The inside of the closet is lit up, yet somehow despite being a tiny closet, the white view crew are in a large white corridor) 

Charmaine: DA FUCK!? How is the closet this big! 

Imogen: This seems very “Narnia” if you ask me?

Greg: Sir, what is this?

(Mr Masterbate releases Aaron) 

Mr Masterbate: Just wanted to invite you inside, my little factory… 

The End

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