Jack: So newbie number 116, or should I say MARY SUE!
(Huge cheer as Mary- Sue walks on).
Random Slag in the Crowd: FIT!
Florence (with her bust in Mary- Sue's face): So how do you feel about being the latest newbie to our school?
Mary-Sue: It feels nice.
Jack: You're already popular.
Mary-Sue: I know right.
(Ear spitting cheer)
Chavs: We cor kill her she's too fit.
Jack: So that proves it, you have survived your first day.
(She runs off stage into Greg's arms)
Mary- Sue: Oh Greg, you saved me!
Greg: Oh Mary-Sue. you're the light of my life.
Mary-Sue: Oh Greg you're so romantic.
Greg: Mary you're such a wonderful, interesting and purdy girl (blushes) I just had to say that, just once.
Mary-Sue: Greg kiss me.
(He does, the crowd around them wolf whistles)
George: Whoa, Greg man, you have a girlfriend already.
Sarah: Time for a lesson with.. (checks timetable) Mrs Conrad.
Greg: Don't worry I'll protect you from her with my life.
Mary-Sue: Oh Gregory…
(They enter Mrs Conrad's room)
Mrs Conrad: Sit down, shut up,(turning to Mary-Sue) who are you?
Mary-Sue: I'm Mary Sue.
Mrs Conrad: I swear I've heard your surname before… (shrugs as Mary-Sue gives her puppy dog eyes) but I must be mistaken and I don't know why but I prefer you over the other animals in the classroom, but have you done your homework…
Mary-Sue: Oh yes… pulls out an A star standard piece of homework.
Sarah: Wow...you didn't know it was set.
Mary-Sue: I have fortune telling skills, it’s a natural talent of mine I got from my aunt.
Greg: Bang on the mail-man! I've hit the jackpot with you Mary! You're incredible!
Lucy: (curious) What else can you do?
Mary Sue: I got a gold duke of Edinburgh award, I won 10 gold, 15 silver and 44 bronze medals in the Olympics. I'm also head of the local soccer team and have played for Barcelona, I'm also head of the rugby and basketball teams and have played world class tennis at Wimbledon, as well as this I'm also brilliant at skiing, Canoeing, rock climbing, cycling, sailing, archery, fencing, golf, chess, Horse Riding, Dog training, Cat Training, community work, head of several different businesses, knitting, sewing, painting, Botany, Writing, as well as that I've also been to every country worldwide on different charitable causes to help with communities around the globe, I've also been voted Forbes sexiest woman for last year’s edition, I dabble in dancing and acting and have been in lot of top notch films I also wrote a worldwide book franchise and also play Bass, the drum, the saxophone, the trumpet, the flute, the harp, the piano, the guitar, the electric guitar, the maracas oh and also sing a little…
(Class is open mouthed)
Mrs Conrad: Even I will admit that was impressive, now I see everyone is present, wait there is an empty seat… who is missing?
(Nervous pause before the door bursts open)
Mrs Conrad: So who is this?
Imogen: Oh hi everyone (says this bitterly as she is covered in blood and knife wounds, as well as several bruises on her face) I see you've all been having fun.
Chelsea: Actually Mrs Conrad's lessons aren't very fun…
Charmaine: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!?
Rhys: Where have you been, in fact have you been the one having the fun?
Imogen: I have been having a blood pounding experience, oh yes it was great fun having to run away from the chavs and then having to fight them off with a baseball bat and then still make it fucking lesson on time!
Mrs Conrad: Shut up and sit down you drooling doofus of a girl, and tell me where your homework is.
Imogen: Oh for crying out loud, it was ripped to pieces…Mum…
(Plot twist time)
(Florence is humming the EastEnders theme tune)
Jack: So you two are… are… related!?
Imogen: My full name is Imogen Aldington and yes we are related, she's my mum.
Florence: THOU ART DIE IN SHOCK…!
Jack: WILL YOU SHUT UP FOR ONCE FLORENCE I'VE GOT A HEADACHE!
Florence: WHO THY ART CARES ABOUT JACK! NO ONE PRESENT HENCE YOU'RE MOANING IS NOTHING TO ME!
Jack: THAT'S IT, I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU! WERE BREAKING UP RIGHT NOW!
Florence: THOU ART DIE IN SHOCK…
(Chantelle starts whistling the EastEnders theme tune)
George (to Greg): Yeah Jack usually has these brief bursts of delusion before he gets fed up of Florence and they break up , it's nothing serious they;ll be back together in no time.
Greg: Okie dokie then.
George: (Back to Imogen) Well I just explained that… But how… what… what are you?
Imogen: I was home tutored by mother here, she said it was too dangerous for me to go outside…
Mrs Conrad: Actually I encouraged you plenty of times to go outside.
Imogen: Because you wanted to get rid of me! Now she finally has the chance now that White View is empty of pupils and I was just dragged in on the first day...
Mrs Conrad: One shut up you foolish girl, and two you needed to learn to survive in the outside world, our house could not be a sanctuary for you forever.
Imogen: I know that…
Chaniqua: BUT YOU LOOK NOTHING LIKE HER!
Imogen: I look like my dad.
Chaniqua: What's that?
Charmaine: I think that's the guy who makes ya then runs off…
(Chaniqua lets this new news sink in)
Greg: So miss y'all married and have a husband and kids…
Mrs Conrad: You have been addressing me as “Mrs” for the past week what part of married do you not understand from that you brainless Orangutan.
Greg: I dunno, it's just weird to think about you being a mother and a wife…
Charmaine: So miss, are you dominant partner in your relationship?
Mrs Conrad: Obviously.
Chantelle: Are you on top miss?
Mrs Conrad: If you try and mock my family, I will make sure you will never even start one, by disfiguring your vagina and sterilising you once and for all!
Chantelle: Too late miss, I already have four kids.
Mrs Conrad: And where are they may I ask?
Chantelle: In the orphanage, cor be bothered to look after em.
Mrs Conrad: Wow, the year's biggest shock.
George : (to Imogen) so you're Mrs Conrad's daughter?
Imogen: No I'm Queen's daughter, of course I'm "Mrs Conrad's" daughter weren't you listening?
George: Then that means she'll favour you.
Imogen: Favour me? (laughs) she hates me, you think having her lessons is bad, try living with her, especially when she's due on…
Imogen: Yes ouch.
Mrs Conrad: Now you worthless, midget, brat of a daughter, go mingle with the other inferiors and make some bonds with them, so I can class you as normal.
Imogen: I'm trying mum…
Aaron (to John): that sounded so strange.
Imogen: ...but for some reason there all ignoring me.
Mrs Conrad: Just brilliant, we have wasted an entire lesson on just blabbering on about pointless topics that have absolutely nothing to do with education.
Aaron: Like every lesson hey?
(They leave before Mrs Conrad can behead Aaron)
George: Great double Mr Masterbate next, and then lunch, then maths with Miss Lofty and then home thank God.
Mary-Sue: Is he a paedophile or something?
Imogen: Nah, he sounds like a perfectly normal guy.
Greg: Oh Mary he's bad, but I promise you'll be safe in my big, strong, arms.
Mary-Sue: Oh Gregory…
Jaya: (So loud that everyone jumps) DA FUCK!
(She has just opened the caretaker's closet, as she heard noises from within and everyone sees Jack and Sarah having wild sex inside)
(Make of it as you will)
Chantelle: WOOOOOOO! GO JACK! OH YEAH! Thank God for that, thought you was one of the boring one's like the rest…
Imogen: Well forget the first date… just break up with your girlfriend… grab another hop into the caretaker's closet and have wild sex all in a few minutes… how classy.
Chantelle: Oh my God shut up whoever you are you're so fucking irritating.
Rhys: Sarah what the fuck is this?
Sarah: Rhys I can explain…
Florence: THOU ART EXPLAIN NOTHING! THY BRANDISH YOU A WITCH! AS FOR YOU JACK YOU SHALL BE BURNT AT THE SAKE FOR THE CRIME OF ADULTERY!
Jack: FLORENCE SHUT UP! WE JUST BROKE UP, PLUS WE WERE NEVER MARRIED!
Aaron: Ohh it's all going down.
Chaniqua: On it, like a car bonnet.
Gordon: I DON'T LIKE FIGHTS! I mean wagwan blud!
Rhys: YOU SARAH, ARE A COMPLETE BITCH AND HOE…!
Sarah: (epic music starts playing): RHYS YOU COLD HEARTED BASTARD, YOU NEVER ONCE TOOK ME TO THE GINGER SHELTER, AND ALL YOU DO IS MOAN AND COMPLAIN ABOUT PEOPLE! YOU ARE THE MONSTER!
Imogen (to Lucy): Nice class you got here.
Lucy: You know you have your mothers Sarcasm.
Lily: Move, (pushes Imogen out of the way) this is going on the front page of White View Mag.
Imogen (mickming her): This is going on the front page of the White View mag, God I bet no one even reads it, whatever the hell it is I WOULD SURE LIKE SOME INFORMATION GUYS!
(She is completely ignored)
Sarah: JACK HERE CARES ABOUT ME, WE'VE ALWAYS HAD TO DEAL WITH OUR SELFISH OTHER HALVES! THAT'S WHY WERE HAVING SEX NOW!
Rhys: You whore you don't understand, I hate you and jack!
Sarah: RHYS I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!
(Silence Rhys looks hard, looks like his going to floor Jack, then he bursts into tears and wets his nappy)
Rhys: PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME! I'M A WRECK WITHOUT YOU!
Chantelle: Oh for fuck's sake. Right you and you have sex (points to Jack and Sarah) You and You have sex you're both over the top (points to Rhys and Florence) and You and You just have sex already you're taking it so slow (points to Mary- Sue and Greg).
Imogen: Considering they have known each other for just a few hours now, I'd have to agree.
Chelsea: Me too.
Thomas: Chelsea... one day you will learn sarcasm…
Asif: Asif that will happen.
Helpless TA: God I need a break from this life, I feel so helpless all the time.
Dean: Finally caught on have you miss?
(Drama ends, they all walk into Mr Masterbate's classroom)
Mr Masterbate: Hello class, nice to see you all back, safe and warm…
Chaniqua: SIR DID YOU ENJOY YOUR TIME IN THE CLOSET WITH THE CHILDREN LAST WEEK.
Mr Masterbate: Be quiet… now today were going too…
(He pauses, stopping at the sight of Mary-Sue, he begins to stare).
Aaron: So sir we gonna stare at Mary Sue all day?
Mr Masterbate: No, no, listen, we need to err… err…
Chantelle: Can we have sex sir?
Mr Masterbate: Err no; I just want to be introduced to this lovely young new lady.
Mary-Sue: Oh Gregory help me.
Greg: Don't y'all touch my girlfriend.
Mr Masterbate: Don't be so unreasonable Gregory. I only plan to introduce myself.
Chaniqua: He means rape you Mary.
Imogen: Yet here I am, also new, going completely unnoticed.
Elliot: Trust me being female and going unnoticed in these lessons is a great privilege.
Caroline: See, you don't have to be posh to be privileged like me.
(Mr Masterbate approaches Mary-Sue Greg prepares to fight him back when…)
Chelsea: CAN'T BREATHE, CAN'T BREATHE!
Dean: Where's Helpless TA?
Lucy: She must have gotten lost she's helpless after all, reminds me of my Dog’s sister’s owner’s lesbian girlfriend’s beetle he was helpless too.
(Suddenly the class is plunged into darkness, there comes a scream from the back)
Cold Voice: One down...
(The class lights come back on)
(Helpless TA bursts in)
Helpless TA: What's going on?I got lost… I… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Greg: Miss what y'all screaming for.
Lucy: (seeing it) Oh My god (begins to cry)
Chaniqua: What Happened?
(She sees, lying at the back of the class, clearly dead with her throat slit open is Lily).
Thomas: She was murdered.
Chantelle: She got raped.
(Instantly all heads turn to Mr Masterbate but he is clinging to Mary-Sue and no murder weapon is in sight).
Mary-Sue: AH! GET OFF!
Greg: GET OFF HER! (Slam dunks Mr Masterbate off her).
Mr Masterbate: This, is tragic, but it wasn't me.
Sanjay: We know…
Mary-Sue: But the murderer whoever it was…
Jack: ...Is in this class!
(Shock, everyone looks around at each other)