It's Uphill From Here On OutMature

Greg Winters mere presence in the town of Mortdale, has already created an outburst of trouble. However the decent people of Mortdale have finally claimed a victory over the thugs that make their lives a living hell. With this Greg is seen as a symbol of hope and finally things are beginning to change for the better.
However merely two days after the destruction of his school, Greg and the rest of his new found friends' new start at a new school is not all as it seems.

Act 1 

(Monday 19th November, two days after the funerals and Greg is in bed but not for long). 

Mrs Conrad: Up! Now!

Greg: (Grumbling) I must be having a nightmare...

Mrs Conrad: This is not a nightmare you pathetic boy, now get up or I will turn this scenario into a nightmare. 

(Greg's eyes snap open) 

Greg: HOLY SHIT! 

(He falls out of bed and crashes onto the floor)  

Greg: What, - miss what the… how did… but- but…?

Mrs Conrad: Greg you are starting to sound as pathetic as Gordon. 

Greg: But how did you get... where's Daz… what…?

  Mrs Conrad: Let me answer of all your pitiful enquires one at a time, one it's Monday and it's time for school, two I will have to well… to put it nicely, “Talk” to your cousin Daniel about dating one of my pupils. 

Greg: Wait you became headmistress?

Mrs Conrad: Of course.

Greg: Miss that's great, after all we went through you deserve it… 

Mrs Conrad: Greg do not dwell onto the topic, the entire school was destroyed in a freak attack, but still I played my part… well life goes on. 

Greg: I was expecting a more heartfelt chat after that experience. 

Mrs Conrad: Greg if you don't shut up we will be having a very heartfelt chat, literally I pulling your heart from your ribcage as I feel it in my merciless hands.  

(Greg gulps) 

Greg: But how do you know where I live and more importantly SLEEP!?

Mrs Conrad: Mr Masterbate was privileged enough to give me a map of where you lived and slept, his done one for everyone.

(Greg is disturbed) 

Greg: So… he drew that map of every student in the school,what does he do in his spare time? 

Mrs Conrad: I really don't want to think about it, but who cares it was effective. 

Greg: So why are you here? 

Mrs Conrad: To lead you to school.

Greg: Just me?

Mrs Conrad: Not just you, you aboustle baboon what are you, a fame man whore?

Greg: I don't asked to get noticed, do you think I like it? Having psychopathic nerds trying to drag me away, while killing all my friends? 

Mrs Conrad: You would receive a lot less attention, if you stopped spitting at me it that drawl you call an accent. 

Greg: Sorry.

Mrs Conrad: Well come then get up! We're waiting 

Greg: Oh like what you've assembled the whole school outside.

(Mrs Conrad looks at him seriously Greg looks at the window and…) 

Greg: YOU ASSEMBLED THE WHOLE FUCKING SCHOOL OUTSIDE MY HOUSE! 

Aaron: Ha! Greg lives in a trampy house!

Gordon: I LIKE IT! 

Lucy: Hi Greg how was your weekend? 

George: He went to the cinema with me you know we are acting more like pals now… 

Elliot: Err you don't need to hear about it Lucy, let's discuss err us and your family eh. 

Random Slag in the Crowd: FIT! 

Daz: Greg come on down your teacher has to talk to me for some reason and want this over with sooner or later so I come back here and smoke some weed! 

Chantelle: Alright Greg looking good. (Winks Greg is in his pyjamas) 

Greg (turning back to Mrs Conrad): Err, Mrs Conrad will you get those two to like break up, because I live in fear of catching an STD when I'm asleep.

Mrs Conrad: Don't we all when that whore of a girl is within 15 yards of us. 

Greg: I suppose.

Mrs Conrad: Still I can fight fire with fire against Chantelle… what are wincing for you ape! (Says this as Greg winced at the word “Fire”) 

Greg: What, oh nuthin'. 

Mrs Conrad: Now hurry up and get ready! 

(Greg does, Lake the Pitbull begins to yap at Mrs Conrad) 

Mrs Conrad: Shut up! 

(Lake whimpers and goes off to hide) 

(Greg gets out into the crowd and meets his friend George) 

George: Hey how did the rest of your day go on Sunday you know? 

Greg: Oh y'all know the usual, after I came back home from the Cinema Chantelle tried to rape me, I escaped, Lake brought in a human toe… and Daz pretty much got high… life going back to normal. 

George: Yeah I know, think it was a week ago today that you arrived. 

Greg: It feels like a lifetime ago. 

George: Yeah well time seems to pass extra slow here in Mortdale… 

Mrs Conrad: (Loudly) MOVE! (The student body does) 

Greg: Why is the whole school moving like this? and why is my house the last to be visited?

George: Firstly this is who is left after the attack, and secondly yours had to be last because, I don't really know it just had to be with your mega anti-chav attitude, as you're reputation. 

Greg: I didn't ask for this kind of reputation you know? 

George: Yeah I know it just happened, still some people are calling you the saint of Mortdale, others Little Red cap...

Greg: Little Red Cap? (Looks at his red cap perched on his head) well LRC would probably be a great shortin' of my name.

Aaron: Yeah standing for Little Red Cunt.

Greg: Yeah charmin'...

(They begin sloping the streets up a hill) 

Thomas: Feels like a school trip! 

Sanjay: Where are going exactly? 

Sarah: Oh no Florence just get up.

Florence: THOU ART DEAD, MY LEGS ARE INVADED WITH THE DEMONIC PRESENCE OF LACTIC ACID OH THOU BURNS THY LEGS TO… 

Jack: (Wearily): Florence just move please.

Florence: THOU ART CANNOT I AM IN NEED OF ATTENTION, MEDICAL ATTENTION… 

Jack: OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY! 

Florence: What's with you? 

Jack: Stop overacting and wanting attention all the time. 

Florence: What we both love attention… 

Jack: I do… but it's just starting to grate on me all day 24 7 over and over again.

Florence: Well you watch all that reality TV in hope of being famous like them… so you know does the word hypocrite ring a bell?

Jack: Yeah I like to watch famous people and aspire to be like them, not overact to things every 10 seconds.  

Florence: I- do-not-overreact!

Chaniqua: Three centimetre spider ahead.

(Florence faints) 

Jack (to Sarah): God she's beginning to grate on me, I don't even know why I go out with her. 

Sarah: Well you've broken up so many times in the past I lost count, still speaking of troubles ,me and Rhys have had problems… 

Rhys (to Thomas): MOVE! GOD GO FASTER, ARE YOU A MAN OR MOUSE, STOP MOANING, GOD YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING WIMP! 

Sarah: I wanna break up with him, his annoying me so much as of late. 

Jack: So we both have problems with over the top lovers… were both much more chilled and cool (they look at each other in a flirty way) 

Sarah: Yeah I guess so… 

(At the front of the crowd) 

Chelsea: I can't move.

Helpless TA: One step forward, another step forward, breathe... I was free when she died, but no she learns to die, and then comes back dumber than before somehow! 

Sanjay: I am glad I am no longer mentoring Chelsea, but still WHERE ARE WE GOING!

Greg: Yeah George we are we going? 

George: Apparently with White View destroyed it may take a while to rebuild, so apparently we have to go to St. Amanda's, the school been empty for a few years but still is inhabitable for us, temporarily. 

Greg: Wow, a school that is not colour coded. 

George: I know right… 

Greg: What's with the hill anyhow?  

George: St. Amanda's is by Mortdale Castle you know up a hill, but still better hiking a day then the park. 

Greg: I suppose. But why does Mrs Conrad have to gather the whole school like this? 

Mrs Conrad: Because Mrs Conrad has her reasons,  for one there are barely any of you left, and two as new head and for our temporary stay at St. Amanda's I want to remind everybody who is in charge. 

George: By gathering everyone to come to school like cattle under your supervision? 

Mrs Conrad: Problem?

George: No... of course not!

Mrs Conrad: Good.

George: (To Greg) Apparently Mrs Conrad, Mr Masterbate and Miss Lofty are the only three teachers in the school. 

Greg: Great, hiking every day to go to school, and then being taught by a dipshit, a paedophile and Miss Intimidating woman of the year since 1990. Bring it on. 

The End

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