(Mortdale high street, the parade is occurring, a boring wet and grey sight, the African children are fairly depressed by the moody town, and the adults smile blandly some already have egg shields ready as they have been through this town before)
(Further away by White-View)
Chav 1: What is that!
Chav 2: What is what!?
Chav 1: That it's… Oh my fucking God…
(He points at what appears to be a pink car/bus hybrid with rainbow coloured exhaust coming from the engine, on top of these car, a group of nerds are singing along to a speaker on the top).
Singer: When the world, leaves you feeling blue...
Greg (Singing): You can count on me, I will be there for you...
Lucy and Florence: When it seems all your hopes and dreams, are a million miles away, I will reassure you...
(Chav 1 and 2 are in shell-shock)
(The car speeds past)
Police officer 1: I can't believe how rude everyone in this town is. I hope Gregory's doin' okay.
Police Officer 2: Good idea of you to come and check on him.
Police Officer 1: Well let's see whose in his cousin's house (knocks on door)
Police Officer 2: No one in. By the sounds of things.
Police Officer 1: He'll be at school I guess.
Chavette: OI! What are you doin!
Police Officer 2: Shit, they never leave us alone.
Police Officer 1: Look!
Police Officer 2: I've seen enough of these rude people to last a life…
Police Officer 1: It's Greg!
(They see him on the pink car/bus which is identical to the one in the S-Club 7 music video of the same song)
Lucy (Singing): Good friends are there for each other (points to Chavette) Never ever forget that...
Police Officer 2: Oh bless their little hearts! Greg and his friends are trying to make this place joyful and happy.
Dean and Elliot: (Singing): I've got you and you've got me...
Police Officer 1: Uh oh, that crowd of people behind the car don't look happy.
(Points to Chav gang taking out there knives and throwing stuff at the car for daring to trying to be happy).
Police officer 1: We better follow Greg and see what's going on.
George: GREG WERE ALMOST THERE!
Greg: Right we have a lot of angry locals still no sign of Daz; he'll be at the parade I guess.
George: Asif step on it!
Asif: Let's get to that parade and bust a criminal!
(Asif who is driving, accelerates so they can reach the parade before it's too late)
George: Everyone keep singing and flashing those bright clothes it will bring out the murder!
Lucy: Will do!
Dean and Elliot: Agreed!
Sarah: (singing): Reach for the stars! Climb every mountain higher...!
(They reach the parade)
Locals: (as one) What the fuck? (looking at the car it takes them a second before they begin to throw eggs at the pink vehicle)
Asif: Greg were surrounded!
Greg: Where is he? Where's my no good rootin' tootin' cousin?
Lucy: Ahh! somebody help I can't hold on!
(George pulls her back from the edge of the car as the locals continue to sway it trying to knock it over)
Lucy: (panting) Thanks.
George: No problem, as a matter of fact I was wondering if you'd like…
Greg: THERE HE IS! (He spots Daz in the crowd, George shoots daggers at Greg for cutting him off).
Jack: Hurry up and expose him then, before we all die!
Greg: COUSIN YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD!
(Daz looks up just as Greg jumps off the car and lands on a startled Daz)
Locals: GET THE HILLBILLY!
(They surround Greg)
Jaya: EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO WHAT GREG HAS TO SAY!
(The town goes silent as a stone, and everything stops the crowd, the children in the float stop the crowd stops, Greg stands).
Greg: EVERYBODY LISTEN THIS MAN! (Points to Daz) murdered my Parents! And for the pure purpose of bringing me here! HE WANTS TO POPULATE THE TOWN WITH NON CHAV'S FOR HIS OWN BENEFIT, BECAUSE SECRETLY, HE IS NOT ONE OF YOU!
(There is an ear ringing silence)
Daz: GRAZ!? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?
Greg: STOPPING YOU THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE, HE WAS PLANING TO KILL ALL THE ADULTS ON THAT FLOAT AND HAVE THE GOODHEARTED KIDS COME TO LIVE HERE!
(The townsfolk gasp as one, Florence faints even though she already knows this)
Daz: HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND!?
Greg: SO TELL US ALL WHY YOU DID IT DAZ? WAS IT FOR MONEY, OR ARE YOU SECRETLY SO DESPERATE FOR COMPANY YOU'D MURDERER ANYONE, JUST TO GET TO SOME NICE KIDS HEY?TELL ME! TELL US ALL!
Daz: GRAZ! GET THE FUCK OFF ME OR I'LL…
Greg: DO WHAT!? NOTHING! YOU HAVE NOT GOT THE BALLS! YOU WERE SECONDS AWAY FROM DANCING ALONG TO THESE TRACKS, BUT I ALREADY KNOW IT WAS YOU SO KNOW YOU'LL…
(Daz stabs him)
Police Officer 1: Oh My Gawd!
Police Officer 2: This is horrible y'all.
Mrs Conrad: Don't be ridiculous, this is what I came here for the bloodshed…
Police Officer 1: Are you serious lady?
Mrs Conrad: Do I look like I'm joking, you pathetic being
Police Officer 1 (terrified): No
Mrs Conrad: Good, I also came here, because I wanted to see who the murderer really was, (turning) hang on Chelsea why on earth are you here? and how did you get here?
Chelsea: Don't know, I think I learnt how to walk.
Mrs Conrad: I am shocked.
Daz: YOU SEE GREG I AM A CHAV!
Greg: BUT YOU… YOU…
Daz: WOULD STAB MY OWN COUSIN TO STOP WIDESPREAD HUMILIATION! NOW GET THAT INTO YOUR THICK SKULL!
Greg: NO, THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE YOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE!
George: QUICK DEV TURN THE MUSIC ON TO FULL BLAST!
(Music is turned on)
Locals: Kill them!
George: WAIT SOMEONE IS SINGING ALONG!
Someone in the crowd: REACH UP FOR THE STARS, FOLLOW YOUR HEARTS DESIRE…
(The crowd clears)
Random Slag in the Crowd: IT'S SHAZ!
(Town turns to her she freezes)
Shaz: Oh fuck it! You miserable prats.
(She takes off her chav clothes the town gasps)
Florence: It's… it's… (turning to Jack) who is it?
Shaz: I am the Countess of Shrewsbury! Shaz for short.
Daz: What the fuck Shaz!
Shaz: Oh Daz you were a filthy, no worthy excuse for a human. I was never your girlfriend in fact while working undercover for the police in this town the last off my friends were killed by chavs so I disguised myself as a chav and set out for revenge.
Police Officer 1: WHY ARE YOU EXPLAINING YOUR WHOLE EVIL PLAN!
Shaz: All in good time my friend, now I had many boyfriends I killed but all the while I was looking to strike back rid the world of the chav stain, so I searched for relatives outside of town, relatives off others who were non chav's.
Daz: Shaz what the fuck…
Shaz: Silence you fool! Now my plan was to get as many non-chavs imported into Mortdale as possible, my quest was hopeless, but eventually I came along Daz here, who happened to tell me about his other relatives he never spoke of. And I finally coaxed it out of him who they were and where they were.
Greg: YOU'RE MAD!
Shaz: Maybe I am, but I don't care, anyhow I found out about the tourist video, and from that I learnt everything where you lived, and where you went so I had it imported to White View so that if anyone suspected anything strange they would blame the people there, anyhow I lied to Daz saying I was going to Manchester, when I really went to Alabama to burn that house down with your family dead, I proceeded home and I knew you would come and you did. In fact I was the one to suggest it to Daz in the first place to adopt you, over the phone he thought I was in Manchester, but my argument to gain child welfare was all he needed to persuade him. He never doubted me the idiot...
Daz: That Idiot is right here!
Shaz: Oh who gives a fuck, just telling Greg about the fire I started...
Greg: YOU MONSTER YOU… (He winces in pain from stab wound)
Shaz: Allow me continue, when you came I had to get you White View so I secretly set Lake the Pitbull on a Mr. John Smith, yes John was clever being my long lost son in all, too bad I left him at an orphanage and no one knew about our relation, anyhow he found me, and tracked me, knew I wasn't the chav I pretended to be, he was ready to blab so I ordered Lake to kill him, I helped of course, he was a hard one to kill, but it had to be done, a waste of a non-chav but I knew I was aiming for the greater good.
Greg: GREATER GOOD?! YOU MURDERED YOUR OWN SON YOU BITCH!
Shaz: I knew by this point that my plan to get more non chav's into Mortdale was hopeless for each non-chav I tried to import, I would have to kill several other non-chav's so in desperation I hatched a new plan one which involved you and still does Greg…
Thomas (interrupting): Sorry to butt in like this but I just wanna know.... HOW THE FUCK DID YOU AND DAZ HAVE SEX IF YOU WERE WEARING YOUR POSH STUFF UNDERNEATH YOUR CHAV CLOTHES!
Shaz: Fool! I didn't have to be naked for him to shag me. all he had to see was the fanny and tits and he was satisfied the repellent, stupid, pig!
Thomas: Well sorry, just wanted to know… seemed a bit odd…
Shaz: Anyhow back to my plan, yes it still involves you Greg or should I say Gregory Samuel Winters…
Greg: And what was that?
Shaz: Think about it, you still alive in this town after a day, non-chav’s saw hope raising a rebellion, my plan would have been to gather every non chav in Mortdale with you Greg a symbol of hope, and then escape! Find a place aboard, anywhere, set up our own community, live in peace without the chav stain.
Chelsea: You are aware of how far-fetched that plan is? God some people are so stew-ped.
Lucy: Does the word Hypocrite ring a bell with you Chelsea?
Shaz: I realised it was a long shot, but I was ready to try it all was going my way…
Greg: You offering me the pie… your sister she really is in Uni…
Shaz: Yes, I was planning to murder Daz, reveal my identity to you and then run off with whoever we could. And Greg we still can.
Greg: No you can't I'm dying… simple as…
(Shaz pulls out a gun and aims it at Daz)
Police Officer 1 (to Mrs Conrad): Holy Cow dung! Where the hell did she get that gun from?
Mrs Conrad: In Mortdale, it would be more shocking if she lacked a gun.
Daz: Well... bollocks.
Shaz: Greg you will get to that float, get fixed up and we will drive out of here, with those kids and those good hearted adults you don't have to die and some of your friends can come with us, I'll keep the gun on the crowd and Daz, no one will dare attack us, we'll be free forget about this, move on.
(Greg considers his options)
Shaz: Think about it paradise, luxury, sunshine and beaches every morning if you don’t move I'll kill the crowd members one by one, you don't want more people to die know do you?
Shaz: What do you mean, no?
Greg: I said No, no one dies expect for me… I won't go anywhere with you, you killed my parents, your own son, and now you'll kill everyone here, just to get want you want.
Shaz: So that's it, you're going to stay loyal and humble by staying with people who have done far worse than me, actually think about it!
Greg: No… I'd rather stay here and die knowing I did what was right. then go with you and live!
Shaz: Very well (turns gun to Greg) I'll kill you then, and then give all your friends the same option. As I have given you, they’ll either die here, or move and live, the dilemma of it all... oh well I worked hard to get you Greg, too bad it has to end like this… but you know… people change.
(She pulls the trigger just as Greg dives behind Chelsea in the crowd and the bullet hits her in the heart)
(The crowd gasps... once again)
Shaz: YOU IDIOT! YOU HAVE ALLOWED SOMEBODY TO DIE FOR YOU!
Greg: I don't think so.
Chelsea: This tickles.
Chelsea: This thing tickles...
Shaz: DIE YOU STUPID GIRL! DIE! SO I CAN MOVE YOUR BODY OUT OF THE WAY AND KILL GREG!
(She shoots at Chelsea but she just laughs)
Shaz: WHAT THE FUCK DIE YOU…?!
(Miss Conrad grabs her from behind Shaz drops the gun and turns to her)
Mrs Conrad: I think somebody is going to die, for horrific crimes against both Chavs and Non Chav's alike.
Shaz: Ha! You'll be the one that dies you…
(She gets no further, Mrs Conrad produces an axe)
Mrs Conrad: Goodnight bitch.
(Shaz is decapitated, her head rolls across the floor and her body falls)
(Silence then… the town cheers, Greg lies bleeding on the floor his friends run to him in panic)
George: GREG! QUICK WE NEED TO GET YOU TO AN AMBULANCE!
Greg: I'm sorry guys you were great… I can't go on I… (He collapses of blood loss)