Mrs Conrad Aldington: Hello class.
Mrs Conrad Aldington: (Suddenly): GREG!
George (whispering): I hope this works.
Greg: I hope so too.
Mrs Conrad Aldington: Greg would you like to explain to the class, in a quiet and controlled environment because of my presence, why you wish to tell everyone in the class something.
Greg: Well Miss, the answer is simple, I know people don't like me.
Greg: But that's not the point, my family was murdered and I know most of you are okay with murder.
Mrs Conrad Aldington: Yes we are now please get to the point.
Greg: I believe the murderer did what he or she did, to bring me here, in this town, can you imagine it a murderer desperate for company… desperate for the town where the nerds outnumber the… chavs…
(The class goes mad in horror, Chantelle and Ryan stop having sex under the table, Charlie screams the world is ending, Gordon goes to cry in a corner, almost everyone else screams in horror losing their heads completely)
Jack: (Barging to the front of the class): Oh thou art dead; thou art dead, at thy terrible news, adieu cruel world, adieu!
(He fake dies)
Florence (very loudly to gain more attention): OH, OH HELP ME, THIS NEWS HURT THY EARS, IN SPEAKING OF IT, IT HURTS MY HEART, OH HELP MY HEART IS BREAKING IN SHEER TERROR, THE BONDS THAT HAVE KEPT THY HOMETOWN IN THE SAFETY OF NORMAILTY ARE BREAKING, AND SO AM I, OH CRUEL WORLD, THY ART DESTROYED ME WITH YOUR TERRIBLE TRUTHS, GOODBYE FOR NOW I FAINT AND DIE!
(She faints and falls off a table and twitches to give an extra effect, when she finally goes still after 3 seconds of nothing, her hand quickly lifts up her shirt so her bellybutton is showing, then she lies dead on the floor again in a spread out angle with her eyes open)
Chelsea: I don’t know how to faint, but I'll try… (She tries and ends up stuck in mid-air again)
Chelsea: HELP I CAN'T MOVE!
Helpless TA: Remember Chelsea, gently does it, and don't forget to breathe in, and breathe out…
Mrs Conrad Aldington: Class shut up!
(The chaos stops)
Mrs Conrad Aldington: You two get up off the floor, Rhys change that nappy, Sarah where is your black wig?! And Gordon grow a pair and return to your seat.
Greg: We have 10 suspects for this and we are about to interrogate six in the class.
(The door is locked)
Mrs Conrad Aldington: Can Lucy, Asif, Sanjeet, Sarah, Carol and Thomas stand up, NOW!
George: (To Greg) Leaving Mortdale almost never happens, leaving here for too long simulates happiness and that is not allowed here, only the occasional holiday, which is why this is so suspicious.
Greg: With so many people goin' on holiday at this time of year...
Mrs Conrad Aldington: You two, shut it! (George and Greg are silent) Lucy, where did you go to on holiday?
Lucy: Majorca miss, I went to go visit my step brothers' granddad's aunt's sister's wife's…
Mrs Conrad: Silence! I do not have time for endless relatives you silly girl, did you or did you not burn the winter's ranch!
Lucy: What, no I told Greg I never went to America.
Mrs Conrad: What do you think of Greg?
Lucy: He’s alright, but he can speak a bit too much.
Jack and Florence: Lucy, does the word Hypocrite ring a bell with you.
Lucy: I'm sorry, he is lovely but he can give people, a sour look, and he smells of dirt sometimes, and he is…
Mrs Conrad: Okay it can’t have been you, lie detector says so. Now sit and shut up! (She does)
Greg: Lie detector?
George: Speically made as Jezza Kyle is such a popular show here, these type of lie detectors are expensive but can gain the truth.
Greg: If there so expensive, how has Mrs Conrad got one?
George: Probably killed the last owner.
Mrs Conrad: SANJEET! (He stands)
Mrs Conrad: Prove to me it wasn't you.
Sanjeet: Okay, I and Asif have been working on a report to show the physical and mental impossibility it was us.
(He reads though the first page of the report which takes half an hour)
Sanjeet: And onto page two…
Mrs Conrad: How many pages?
Sanjeet: 41 in total…
Mrs Conrad: Sit down it wasn't you!
Ryan: What about ASIF!
Mrs Conrad: Asif he would have the balls to murder, and they both worked on this report so no, that's 3 suspects down.
Sarah: I'm next I guess.
Mrs Conrad: Explain to me why it wasn't you.
Sarah: You really think I'd be able to travel so far in England without being killed for my ginger hair. I had to get to Cyprus with ten bodyguards.
Mrs Conrad: Your wig…
Sarah: I lost it, and now I can let my natural red hair flow the way it was meant to…
Mrs Conrad: Sit down and shave yourself bald until we can find you a new wig you foolish child! Well I guess you’re off the list too since the lie detector proves you were truthful leaving Thomas and Carol. (Everyone looks at them)
Mrs Conrad: Thomas explain yourself.
Thomas: I have a 50 page report.
Mrs Conrad: Sit down it wasn't you.
George: No it wasn't the nerds, I mistook them, they don’t have the balls to do it.
Mrs Conrad: So it was CAROL!
(Lighting flashes as everyone turns to Carol who is standing up but looking annoyed).
Florence: Oh my God! (She gasps and faints no one else does)
Greg: So it was you… all this time.
(There is a huge pause)
Carol: Don't be ridiculous why on earth I would want to bring a Disgusting, vile, unwashed, flee-ridden, redneck, hillbilly, racist, loudmouth, drunkard, into my life.
Chantelle: To make sure you weren't the only one who was different around here.
Carol: I like to be different, it gives me pride! How dare you suggest differently!
Mrs Conrad: This lie detector tells me she was telling the truth.
Greg: Then who was it?
George: Oh no, it could still be Shaz, Daz, Mr Masterbate, or Miss Ougar.
Helpless TA: I'll go check!
(Leaves the room)
Mrs Conrad: Wow Helpless TA is actually doing something helpful.
Chelsea: I know right I've feeling this new… thing.
Sanjay: It's called shock and it's what I feel towards you right now.
Sanjay: Because you just spoke a full sentence without stopping to blink…
George: I wish Helpless TA would hurry up!
Jack: You sound worried about something.
George: Don't you guys get it! Today is the day when those poor African children adopted by the goodhearted adults, will be parading through town on that giant float; they do it all around the UK every year and today's the day that it comes through Mortdale.
Chantelle: Ugh, I hate that parade I never go.
Charmaine: I do, I throw eggs at it.
Lucy: Whoa! Hang on what this parade got to do with anything… with Greg?
Dean and Elliot: Yeah… what has it got to do… with anything?
George: It all makes sense now… Greg being moved here just before the parade… the timing of the killing… what if this killer wants more good hearted souls in this town, all they have to do is kill the adoptive parents of these African children and guess what happens then?
Chantelle: More black babies around.
Sarah: You're thinking of shagging a group of children?
Chantelle: Why not?
Chantelle: If it's got a dick and it moves it's shag-able.
Thomas: Real high standards you got there.
George: Guys can we get back to the point?!
Lucy: Carry on George.
Dean and Elliot: Yeah carry on.
George: Anyway, whoever killed Greg's parents is probably in that crowd right now preparing to murder more innocents.
Asif: Oh Asif you just paranoid.
George: Think about the possibilities, especially for you chavs…
Aaron: Fuck me we'll be left with the orphaned black kids, from Africa, who will be humble and polite and… and…
Greg: We have to stop them now. They can't move to this hellhole!
(Helpless TA bursts in)
Helpless TA: Mr Masterbate and Miss Ougar are still teaching so…
Greg: IT'S DAZ, I KNEW HE WAS THE MURDERER!
George: Of course, whether he used the tape as a distraction, or if was in school that day and saw it, he knew where your house was.
Greg: And now that means he'll commit more murder…
Asif: Asif that will happen, I guess I believe you now George… and I have a plan and any non-chav in the room can board on.
Greg: Board on what?
Lucy: Hang on, the chav’s wallow in misery.
Jack: And they act like that all the time.
Sarah: And too rat the murderer out.
Thomas: We'll need to find the one that isn't like that, come on guys let's go.
Carol: I am going home, I am not a chav, and I am not going to lose my dignity because of something you fools are about to do (She leaves)
(Greg, George, Thomas, Sanjeet, Francesco, Dev,Mohammed, Ahmed, Sanjay, Lucy, Florence, Jack, Rhys, Sarah, Dean, Elliot, Rose, Lily and Jaya follow Asif out of school)
Cairon: Err why are we chavs the only ones left in school?
Aaron: Well this is new attendance pattern ay it?
Mrs Conrad: Never mind that! This is an emergency go home and panic!
Charlie (in shock): We can go home… in your lesson?
Mrs Conrad: Yes, personally I want to see the bloodshed and I can't leave you with Helpless TA, there will be no school left by the time I get back, so just go home and… cry.
(All the chav’s do)
Chelsea: I CAN'T MOVE
(At Asif's house in the garage)
Asif: My father wouldn't allow me to drive this, not only am I too young, but it's a death-trap, never mind desperate times call for desperate measures.
(He shows them his car)
George: You guys ready to get happy?
Asif: (Tries to get it working) Shit!
George: What's up?
Asif: Aw, Asif the car battery's dead now we're never going to get this thing moving (kicks the car)
Greg: Erm hello? Mechanic right here, I'll have this sorted in a jiffy.
George: Really? Oh thank God! Greg you actually have a skill that can help us.
(Greg manages to fix the car)
Greg: Well this baby is ready to go come on guys…
(Everyone looks nervous)
Greg: What? Jack: Are we really going to do this? It’s going be so queer and were are seriously gonna get killed.
Greg: We have to it's the only way to rat out Daz from the crowd.
Greg: You guys wanna catch him because I do! I wanna save some lives and catch a killer! And guess what we might change attitudes in this shithole of a town if we succeed, you guys can cower in fear and miss the chance, or take this gamble and change your town for the better it takes bravery to do that! And I'm going to do it! NOW WHO'S WITH ME!
George (sighs): I am.
Lucy: Well, I guess I am too.
Dean and Elliot (instantly): Yeah us too!
Jack: Let's do this then.
Thomas and the nerds: Yeah we'll go!
Rose and Lily: Count us in!
(Jaya nods her head)
Greg: LET'S GO THEN! (With a cheer it begins…)