George: Well that's it you have met everybody in our class.
Greg: What about the younger folk in this school?
George: They are…
(Chantelle swags past)
Chantelle: Unnecessary background characters.
George: For once I have to agree with her
(The bell rings)
George: Lessons just follow me, we're are in all the same lessons.
Greg: Are the teachers bad?
George: Oh blimey I forgot to introduce you to the teachers, well brace yourself Miss Noel and Mr Redwood are strict and boring, Miss Lofty is a right dumbshit just wait until she starts on about her sheep and oh no, we've got Mr. Masterbate.
(Greg laughs, George stares at him seriously)
Greg: That's his real name?
George: It matches his reputation.
Greg: What does he teach?
George: Science, well Biology to be specific, human biology.
Greg: So it's spelt M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-E?
George: No it's M-A-S-T-E-R-B-A-T-E, still sounds the same though.
Greg: (laughs) It should just be Masturbate.
George: No that would just be stupid.
Greg: And Masterbate isn't?
George: Well it's not as stupid. But still...
(They enter the science classroom)
George (pointing to a closet): They say that’s where he keeps the children.
Greg: What children?
George: The one's he rapes at night.
George: Say what you want, but I swear I heard moans from that cupboard.
(The class flies in George and Greg sit at the front away from Da Gang,Mr. Masterbate enters).
Mr. Masterbate: Good morning class.
(Class mumbles back)
Mr. Masterbate: Okay shall we get on with the lesson, oh hang on…
(He notices Greg)
Mr. Masterbate: Oh hello, you must be Greg I’ve heard a lot about you.
Mr. Masterbate: I mean you're a lovely boy…
(Greg is feeling sick at this point)
Mr. Masterbate: Silence!
Cairon: IS THAT YOU TELL THE CHILDEREN SIR!
(The class laughs)
Mr. Masterbate: Settle down, settle down don't be so rude and blunt
Chaniqua: Like your cock sir
(The class laughs)
Mr Masterbate: I will not stand for this behaviour from such a rude class.
John: Bit rich coming from you.
(The class laughs again)
Mr. Masterbate: SLIENCE! I WILL NOT SAY IT AGAIN!
(The class falls silent at last)
Mr. Masterbate: Now where was I? Oh yes, well yes I welcome you Greg, with open arms…
(He touches Greg’s back and what turns into a pat on the back ends up as a kind of massage, when Mr. Masterbate let’s go Greg shudders at his touch)
Mr. Masterbate: Right we'll be doing a practical today.
Thomas: On what sir?
Mr. Masterbate: Human Biology.
Chantelle: THANK GOD! (She and Ryan get onto the table and begin to have sex)
Mr. Masterbate: NO, NO GET DOWN BOTH OF YOU!
Chantelle: Just showing the class how babies are made sir, it's an important Part of biology.
George (to Greg): she shows us this every day.
Mr. Masterbate: Right now I want the boys on one side of the room, and the girls on the other.
Chantelle: Oh okay, I understand you like a bit of lesbo and gay…
Mr. Masterbate: Don't cut across me, right we will be re acting how blood cells travel though the human body.
Sanjeet: This sounds very fascinating.
Charlie: SHUT UP!
Asif: Unlike you, we want to learn.
Aaron: Asif anyone would want to learn this shit.
(The class laughs)
Mr. Masterbate: Okay so can the boys be the red blood cells and the girls the white blood cells…
Charlie: But I'm black.
Mr. Masterbate: Okay just calm down class and follow my instructions, travel in a circle and bang into each other.
(An awkward pause follows these last words)
John: Sir that is so gay.
Thomas: For once I agree with the lower IQ human beings.
Carol: This is Disgusting.
Lucy: Reminds me of the time when my step sister…
Charmaine: I wouldn't mind.
Chantelle: I like a bit of banging.
Dev: We know you do.
Chantelle: What you saying nerd?!
Chelsea: How do I bang?
(The bell rings)
Mr. Masterbate: Well that's the end of the lesson everyone.
Chantelle (to Charmaine): Notice how we never wrote anything down, or had a register.
George (To Greg): You know Chantelle is picking up on interesting facts today, I bet Mr. Masterbate wanted to see us in motion, especially you Greg…
Greg: Don't talk to me about him please.
George: Oh just wait until you meet Miss Ougar
Greg: What does she teach?
Greg: Wait is she worse than Mr. Masterbate?
George: Greg her name is Mrs Ougar, what does that suggest?
Greg: A- cougar…
George: Spot on she is…
(They enter the classroom and Greg sees a 60-ish year old woman in a skimpy top and short dress, Greg can clearly see her cleavage, he looks away and sits next to George)
Miss Ougar: Welcome class, our lesson is about to begin and today will be painting from a model.
George (To Greg) : Here we go “You'll be painting me today and I'll be naked with a fruit bowl”.
Miss Ougar: You'll be painting me today and I'll be naked with a fruit bowl.
(Greg stares at George in amazement)
George: She says that every day.
Sarah: But miss we've done those for the last ten lessons.
Miss Ougar: Sarah be quiet, do you want to model with your ginger hair?
(The class laughs)
Rhys: Leave her alone!
Chantelle: Or what?
Rhys: Or I'll… (Panics and wee's in his nappy)
Chantelle: That’s what I thought.
Miss Ougar: Anyway back to my modelling. (She strips off and places a fruit bowl covering her vage)
Miss Ougar: Now paint me, draw me! Draw me like a french girl...
Greg: Err... Miss don't you think you’re a bit old too…
Miss Ougar: Oh a newbie, I didn't notice you, do you enjoy my lessons?
Greg: Well as someone new, I was not expecting such…
Miss Ougar: Shut up you redneck and paint me!
Aaron: Yeah shut up Redneck!
Charlie: Shut the fuck up!
Aaron: Hang on guys why haven't we finished this bell end off already?
Chantelle: Well let's get it over and done with, can't have him around his a none chav and we already have too many in this class as it is...
Ryan: Yeah and his looking at us!
Cairon: Why isn't he bowing his head to us! We fucking own this place!
Charamine: His not with the nerds either, so he doesn't go to bunker.
John: Let’s stab him! Finish this fake and Gay twat off !
(They move in for the kill)
Greg: Wait y'all can't stab me!
Aaron: How thick are you? Your family that inbred, you've lost your fucking mind! Course were gonna stab ya!
Greg: Okay then... kill me. But how many other hillbillies are going to move from America?
Chanquia: Erm, well...
Greg: Think about it, you have a once in a lifetime experience here to take the mick of me for the rest of the year and if you kill me now, you’ll be riding yourselves of someone to take the mick out off. You need someone to hate, someone who isn't going to flee to a bunker, I'm that guy.
Aaron: Actually he's got a point.
George: Oh my god is this happening?
Cairon: Yeah I think we'll let him live, the other newbies were as boring as fuck but if we keep him we can make his life hell.
Greg: Oh my God! There sparing me!
George: More like leaving you to survive in Mortdale’s harsh environment, but Jesus Christ! You're still here, this is a miracle! Great thinking of that expectation rule Greg!
Greg: I know, I'm in shock it worked.
Carol: So am I ,how dare you copy my method of survival!
Miss Ougar: (Cough, cough) right everyone look back at me!
Florence: God miss, always vying to get the centre of attention, I really think you’re fame hungry and deluded.
Jack: Yeah I mean who does that that?
Thomas: Does the word Hypocrite ring a bell with you two?
Miss Ougar: ENOUGH TALK! NOW PAINT!
Chantelle: But miss I'm finding it difficult with those bingo wings you have on your arms…
Chaniqua: And legs.
Charmaine: And belly.
Aaron: And face.
Lucy: Those wrinkles do form deep shadows, that we have to paint accurately.
Elliot and Dean: (Instantly) Yeah I agree!
Thomas: Miss, like I've said before, Don't you feel you're acting a bit extreme for your age?
Miss Ougar: No, It's perfectly normal, you all do it and there's no reason why I can’t go out clubbing at my age.
Chantelle: Because you shouldn't be alive at that age.
Chelsea: What age?
George: Three, Chelsea
Chelsea: Really OMG I’m sixteen well I think…
George: I was being sarcastic Chelsea!
Greg: I don't think she understands.
Carol: I'm painting a dirty, disgusting, wrinkly, old, cow…
Gordon: (going green) This is wrong.
Thomas: I cannot believe we are doing in our lesson time.
Sanjeet: I agree.
Francesco: What a waste of educational time.
Chantelle: SHUT UP!
Sarah: Why don't you?
Charmaine: Fuck off you Duracell cap!
Sarah: You a stupid hoe Charmaine!
Charlie: You disrespecting Charmaine.
Sarah: Yes I am!
Aaron: Ladies settle down.
Chaniqua: I'm beat you fuck up, you ginger newt!
Carol: If everyone does not stop fighting I will give you all a taste of my black belt karate!
Sarah and Chantelle: Is that meant to be a threat?
Rhys: Yeah leave my girlfriend alone!
Gordon: Shut da fuck up Rhys, no one in dis room asked for your opinion fam!
Rhys: FUCK OFF!
Gordon: You twat I’ll bang you out blad! Yeah… that's what I’ll do.
George: Ladies put the claws and handbags away.
Miss Ougar: Hello I am still here!
Elliot: Oh god the class is getting out of hand again.
Thomas: Nerds assemble in the bunker!
Lucy: This reminds of the one time my step sister's mother's daughter's auntie's brother went to the WWE and all they did was…
Jaya: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
(The class goes completely still, and there is silence, the bell rings and Jaya storms out)
Greg (still in shock): You said Jaya did nothing.
George: She has her moments and there pretty epic and random.
George: Yes wow, still its lunch time now and you are still alive, come on I’ll give you a tour around the school, so you don't get lost.
(After the tour)
Greg: I can't believe it, I made till lunchtime and by the looks of it I’ll survive the first day.
George: No, you may have passed the students but there's still one teacher left.
Greg: Oh come on, Paedophiles piece of cake.
George: No, this is different completely.
Greg: I don’t see… (They see Miss Noel and Mr Redwood)
Mr Redwood: Hello- and-wow-Mr-Winters-I'm- surprised-to-see-you-still-alive.
Greg: Say what?
Mr Redwood: Nothing.
Miss Noel: Mr Admin and Mr Winters.
Miss Noel: Uniform!
George: Yes miss (They slowly make their uniforms neater)
(Satisfied the pair leave and as soon as they do George makes his uniform scruffy again he gestures at Greg to do the same)
Greg: What is with her? She went pigeon like on me earlier, when my uniform wasn't neat.
George: Avoid her at all costs, she's a neat freak and seems to have an obsession over neat uniforms, of course we all undo our uniforms the second she turns away, unless you're a nerd.
Greg: And what about Mr. Redwood?
George: He is the sort of head, with that voice that is bound to cause drowsiness in ten seconds maybe less, you should try sitting through an assembly or mass with him lecturing you.
Greg: Warning taken.
(The bell rings)
George: Tutor (They enter tutor, refreshed by their eaten lunch and relieved at being alive Greg is in a very good mood, Miss Lofty is waffling on about sheep, when the bell rings)
Greg: Double period English next, come on George, George?
(He notices George has become very quiet)
George: I hate these lessons.
Greg: Oh come on it can't be that bad.
George: Mrs Conrad Aldington has ways of “getting to people”.
(Greg suddenly notices that everyone in the room appears nervous and quiet even Da Crew)
Greg: This looks bad (They enter the English room nobody speaks)
Greg: What's with the silence?
George: Shut up, sit down, and pull your book out and avoid eye contact with “her”.
Greg: This is so…
(A woman enters and she’s brings a chill with her, she is fairly small and has a huge nose Greg falls silent, as she surveys the class Greg ducks under his book and avoids eye contact)
Mrs Conrad: Afternoon class.
Mrs Conrad: (Suddenly): Gordon!
(Gordon stands and looks as if his facing the gallows)
Mrs Conrad: What are you reading?
Mrs Conrad: What do you mean nothing?
Gordon: I’m reading though miss…
Mrs Conrad: Oh so you are now reading something, tell me what it is.
Gordon: It's err… my planner.
Mrs Conrad: Gordon please come to the front of the room and say that to the class.
Gordon: (Doing so) It's my planner.
Mrs Conrad: So you are telling me that after countless warnings, you still lack the basic skills to bring in a proper reading book and resort to reading your time-table foolishly hoping that I would not notice?
Mrs Conrad: Sit down you pathetic boy and have a week's worth of detentions.
(He sits shaking)
Mrs Conrad: Right now Homework, whichever idiots have failed to do it please stand now!
(Greg, Chelsea, Chantelle, Aaron and Rhys stand)
Mrs Conrad: Rhys, why is your homework not in?
Rhys (Terrified): I forgot.
Mrs Conrad: And do you think by simply saying that "I forgot" and avoiding eye contact with me will solve the problem? Get to the front of the room now!
(He gets there)
Mrs Conrad: Lower your trousers.
Rhys: No- I won't.
Mrs Conrad: Say that again.
(Greg can see an axe behind her back)
Rhys: I-okay-I… (He slowly lowers his trousers revealing a nappy the class bursts out laughing)
Mrs Conrad: Please tell me, that at the age of 16 you still do not have bedwetting troubles.
Mrs Conrad: Oh I just remembered, it's not night time; you must suffer from toilet problems in the day, perhaps when you are intimidated?
Rhys (Peeing himself): No.
Mrs Conrad: Sarah get up here now!
Mrs Conrad: I want you change his nappy in front of the whole class right now.
Sarah: But he is my boyfriend, I won't…
Mrs Conrad: Sarah do you want me to record your ginger hair and post it on YouTube.
Mrs Conrad: Then do it, do it now.
(She does it, the class is in fits at the end and even Mrs Conrad is laughing)
Jack (With phone out): This is going on Facebook!
Florence: On YouTube! and it's going viral!
Mrs Conrad: Now you pathetic stupid boy, sit down and take an afterschool detention.
(He and Sarah sit back down)
Mrs Conrad: Why is everyone laughing?
(The class falls silent)
Mrs Conrad: Aaron, why is your homework not in.
Aaron: Couldn't be bothered miss.
Mrs Conrad: Excuse me?
Aaron: I was too lazy to do it miss.
Mrs Conrad: And you have the large enough manhood to say this to me, in a lesson when I am on a roll.
Mrs Conrad: Well you pathetic little boy, thinking you are all cool when you are clearly not, you are making yourself look like an idiot in front of the whole class. Your so called friends will not back you up here, and therefore I will brand you a coward, yes look me in the eyes, you think you are cool but you are most certainly not, therefore I will not give you a detention to boost you're bad boy reputation you will complete the homework up to an A standard.
Aaron: Miss… no… you... can't…
Mrs Conrad: I can and have, If it's not in for tomorrow you're already oversized head will be rolling across the floor.
(Aaron sinks back into his seat defeated)
Mrs Conrad: Chantelle give a good explanation, to why you have failed to deliver your homework.
Chantelle: I was too busy last night.
Mrs Conrad: Obviously off with some vile thug's.
Chantelle: No I wasn't miss!
Mrs Conrad: Or having a “date” with Ryan here.
Ryan: Don’t get me involved in this!
Mrs Conrad: Either way it's a pathetic excuse and you're a silly little girl who clearly hasn't been raised properly.
Chantelle: YES I HAVE MISS!
Mrs Conrad: Be quiet and take a night's detention, having you in school will save some poor boy out there the grief of catching an STD.
(She slumps into her seat)
Mrs Conrad: Chelsea sit down, you are a hopeless cause.
Chelsea: I forgot how to sit down.
Mrs Conrad: Helpless TA sort her out before someone dies.
(Helpless TA does so)
Mrs Conrad (to Greg): And who are you?
Greg: Sorry I forgot to introduce myself I'm Greg Winters.
Mrs Conrad: Did I ask for your last name?
Greg: (taken aback) No but…
Mrs Conrad: I can already see you are big headed.
Greg: I just thought…
Mrs Conrad: Be quiet you stupid boy and tell me where you homework is.
Greg: I only joined today I wasn't here to receive yesterday's homework.
Mrs Conrad: Actually today is Monday, and you had a whole weekend to do it.
Greg: But I wasn't here…
Mrs Conrad: And where did you come from?
Greg: Alabama USA.
Mrs Conrad: I see you were clearly getting drunk with you redneck friends, rather than do any homework.
Greg: But I have never been drunk in my life…
Mrs Conrad: Tell me Greg, are you white?
Mrs Conrad: You seem confident in the fact you’re white.
Greg: Yes it’s kinda obvious.
Mrs Conrad: I see you are a KKK member.
Greg: What no I…
Mrs Conrad: You pathetic big headed boy, clearly you’re bragging about your whiteness and therefore you are clearly a racist.
Greg: I ain't…
Mrs Conrad: Have you ever seen a black person in America?
Greg: Yes I…
Mrs Conrad: Yes I supposed you lynched a lot of them.
Greg: No I…
Mrs Conrad: Do you have a beer belly?
Greg: I don’t dri…
Mrs Conrad: Tell me Greg have you have been to the dentist?
Greg: Yes all the time…
Mrs Conrad: That explains the lack of buck teeth.
Greg: I never had buck teeth I…
Mrs Conrad: Do you wear overalls in your spare time?
Mrs Conrad: Do you wear a cowboy hat
Greg: Well the once…
Mrs Conrad: Have you ever had a mullet?
Mrs Conrad: Do you drool and have an IQ lower than 50?
Mrs Conrad: Clearly then you are a stereotypical hillbilly and you were drinking with your buddies instead of doing the homework, so I'll let you off detention this time…
Greg: But that’s not…
Mrs Conrad: Be quiet, now do you sleep in a haystack?
Mrs Conrad: Do you roll around in mud pits?
Greg: What no I…
Mrs Conrad: Do you have 20 younger brothers?
Greg: No I don…
Mrs Conrad: Are you from a ranch?
Greg: Erm… yes… but that ain't…
Mrs Conrad: Silence Greg, clearly your former home life has degrading you to a flea infested inbred redneck.
Greg: I don't have fleas!
Mrs Conrad: Greg I will let you off Detention, if you skip around the class singing Cotton Eyed Joe and busting some pathetic cowboy moves we can all laugh at.
Greg: BUT THAT AIN'T FAIR! THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE IS BECAUSE SOME SON OF A BITCH KILLED ALL MY FAMILY IN A FIRE!
Mrs Conrad: I don't care do it, do it now, the rest of you, I want you to write down as many adjectives describing Greg and his performance of Cotton Eyed Joe.
(Greg performs, at the end the bell rings and Greg is left feeling down and humiliated as people passing by snigger at him)
George: You know Mrs Conrad was nice to you.
Greg: If that was nice what's horrible?
George: Something we don't want to discuss.
Greg: Well at least I'm still alive.
George: Oh my god I just remembered you survived for first day!
Lucy, George, Rhys, Sarah, Florence and Jack: CONGRATULATIONS!
Greg: Thanks guys, now all I need to do is walk home.
George: Whoa! For one, nobody just walks home if there not a chav.
Greg: So how do I get home, jump though the treetops?
(George gives him a serious look)
Greg: I can't believe were jumping though the treetops.
George: Quit moaning, besides you're lucky I live so close to you otherwise you wouldn't have a clue how to walk home properly without a high risk of death.
Greg: There's a high risk of death if I slip from these trees and break my neck!
George: Greg I usually travel in disguise though this park.
Greg: Well let's do that then!
George: I can't you're a newbie they'd rat you out instantly.
Greg: I fooled some chav's earlier.
George: Yes but the park's different, the chavs are too high in number, and only professional chavologists can sneak though safely.
Greg: Chavologist? Oh rootin tooting Chavologist seriously?
(George gives him a piercing look)
Greg: Okay, okay Chavologists are real, but are you one?
George: Greg I have walked though this park for five years, without being killed, I have observed the behaviour of these chav’s while hiding and running and I have managed though my knowledge to get a hillbilly like yourself though a day at school in this area, alive and unharmed as well as many brothers, of course I’m a bloody Professional Chavologist!
Greg: Wow is it like an official job or something?
George: No it’s a natural talent which develops over time, but everyone can tell who Chavologists are, they look out of place with the locals but are yet still here.
Greg: This place is strange, wait a minute you said you had brothers, where are they now!
George: They like to catch the bus home, a 30 minute drive instead of a 5 minute walk, I could easily get them though, there experienced enough, but they like to play it safe I suppose, anyhow were though the park now we can get out the tree.
(Greg and George leap out the tree)
Greg: Well thank you for all you've done.
George: Here's my phone number, and Greg we have only just started there's another day coming tomorrow.
George: I have that same reaction every school morning, still nice to meet you, oh yeah (looks at urinated poster Greg passed earlier) seems like a lot of nice people are coming around this town, with this float coming tomorrow and you around… still that comes every year and people usually chuck eggs at it.
Greg: Like me then.
George: Expect you don't come and go once a year, I guess you're stuck here.
Greg: (Sadly): Looks like it.
George: Well I need to go… nice meeting you Greg.
(He leaves Greg enters his house)
(Lake bounds right up to him)
Greg (thinking): Quick Greg think like a chav.
Greg: Get back you stupid piece of shit! (He kicks the dog away and it stalks off crying)
Daz: Whoa my lad! So how was school?
Greg: Shite, I almost got expelled.
Daz: That's what we want to hear!
Shaz: Come on Greg I've made you a lovely steak and kidney pie.
(Greg and Daz stare at her bewildered)
Shaz: I mean Graz, and what are the fuck are you looking at Daz? It's a special occasion, I'll let him eat this just the once.
Daz: Alrite then,(They eat in silence once they finish…)
Daz: So Graz do you fancy…
Greg: nah, soz Cuz, but I'm Goin to sleep you know, because school was so nakering, don't wake me up!
Daz: Oh well, just as long as you’re still alive, acting like a local, you're making us proud. In fact you can come skive school tomoz and come throw some eggs at some African kids! It only comes once a year, this parade you know!
Greg: Yeah that sounds sick blad… I’ll think about it.
(Greg goes upstairs and slams his bedroom door shut)
Greg (thinking): How I am going to survive in this town for more than a week?
(The next day, Tuesday the 13th of November)
Greg (thinking): Day 2 of the madness, I feel like I've been here a year I just want to go home, but I have no home to go to…
(He gets up)
Greg: (Still thinking): But thinking of home, the person who caused the fire is still out there and it isn't a coincidence that I was sent to the place where I could be killed very easily, which means… yes that's it! The murder has got to be cousin Daniel. He burnt down the house, returned to England and then wanted to adopt me and finish me off, of course the chav's could do that and leave him in the clean.
(He goes downstairs)
Greg: So Daz, you haven't been away recently have you?
Daz: What nah.
Shaz: I did, I went to Manchester.
Greg: Really what for?
Shaz: To try and clobber me sis she's in Uni Graz, how fucking bad is that!
Daz: I know horrible business.
Shaz: And Graz higher education is a disgrace, I wanted to frame her for brining shame on the family, get her on Jezza Kyle show and do it… that would teach her a lesson.
Greg: Yeah she would like a real idiot on TV for going to Uni (note the sarcasm)
Shaz: Stop with dirty look Graz
Daz: Yeah, make sure ya get some birds back here tonight if you doe well…
Greg: I'll bring shame on the family? In fact am I embarrassing now?
Daz: Doe be daft you're doin' alrite
Greg: Am I?
Daz: Well you're still alive, it's good enough for me, and you give us child benefit money, in fact that's the main reason I adopted you in the first place.
Greg: Yes that is funny isn't it?
Daz: I know right, just when I had money troubles you come along, you know in a way I'm glad you came Graz.
Greg: Oh yes, wasn't it lucky that my family was killed in a fire and you just happened to ask me to live with you mere hours after it happened.
Daz: I saw a chance and took it.
Greg: I'll bet you did.
Daz: I know lucky right.
Greg: Yeah great, well I'm off to school.
Shaz: COME HOME EARLY IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT!
Daz: ACTUALLY TRY TO GET EXPELLED, THE HARDEST YOU CAN OKAY!
Greg: Yeah sure (closes door) over my dead body.