A Class ActMature

Act 4    

George: So Greg here is Chantelle Deloris.

(Points to a naked girl, with dyed red hair, having sex on the staircase) 

Greg: Err? why is she naked?

George: Queen of the slags, caught every STD known to man, and already has 4 kids at 16, and a fully-fledged member of a crew you should most definitely avoid. She never wears clothes, so steer clear of her and ignore the advances or you will end up as a father, with an STD and so on…

Chantelle: Oh Fuck Man this hurts...

Greg: And who's the boy beneath her?

George: That is Ryan Elrod and he is practically the male version of her, wears clothes though but not as often, pulls as twice as many girls than any other boy in the year, a loudmouth avoid him at all costs.

Greg: Warning taken

(Chantelle and Ryan spot them) 


George: Shit run!

Chantelle (jumping off Ryan): Oh no you don't, now come here George ya sexy stud I still need to shag ya…

 (George runs off leaving Greg alone, as he is too stunned to run) 

Chantelle (seeing Greg): AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Greg (seeing Chantelle): AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Chantelle: You're white!

Greg: You're orange!

Chantelle: And you’re wearing clothes.

Greg: And you ain't and at least my skin colour is natural.

Chantelle: Well so is mine what ya trying to say?

Greg: Erm… nothing. (Bolts off as she distracted by another passing boy) 

Greg (reaching George): Oh thanks a bunch back there bud…

George: No time, I think someone's coming… and by the sound of it, it is gonna be “them”

 (They run) 

George (Out of breath): Here they come, the chav gang…

(George pulls him into an empty room and they spy on the gang as they pass). 

George: Okay the boys, that’s Aaron the leader of the gang, he thinks his a real comedian, oh and there's Gordon. Because his black he thinks his bad, but he is all talk and no action, and Cairon, he is a human hand grenade,  simply crazy and he jumps at people and explodes on contact, and finally John Walker, all he does is glare at people all the time, and act like an internet troll, and the girls, Chaniqua, Charlie and Charmaine. Chaniqua is the Asian one and annoying as fuck, Charlie or Charlotte she’s the black un, and seems on edge all the time, Charmaine is the lesser version of Chantelle she has blonde hair and a tan as well as Double F's it's not a good look, and she's a cold hearted bitch so avoid her, avoid them all.

(The gang passes) 

George: Right there gone, let’s get moving again hopefully you can meet someone decent… (Greg and George then run into an Indian girl) 

George: Come on let’s move on.

Greg: Wait who was that?

George: Jaya.

Greg: And what she’s like?

George: I don’t know.

Greg: What do you mean you don’t know?

George: She does nothing.

Greg: Wait I want to learn more about…

(They bump into two girls) 

George: And here are Lily and Rose.

Lily: I got raped

Greg: Oh My Gawd!

George: That's the only thing she ever says.

Rose: And I'm Rose nice to meet you (They turn away) 

Rose (to Lily): Oh my god, that new guy is such a dirty redneck tramp, I can't stand him.

Greg: Is she aware we can hear her?

George: Rose here is a bitch, plain and simple she even bitches about herself.

Greg: Yeah that makes sense.

Rose: OMG Lily I just can't stand me I just met they poor boy and I'm already slagging him off… I hate me, I think me is such a bitch… 

George: Let's move on.

(They reach a staircase)

Greg: Where does this lead?

George: To the bunker.

Greg: Come again?

George: It’s where the nerds go, to stay safe during break and lunch.

Greg: Seriously?

George: You know Greg, your life is on the line you should go and join them.

Greg: No, if I'm gonna die, I'll die outside, I won’t spend the rest of my life in a bunker.

George: You don't spend life in there just every break and lunchtime…

Greg: Does it matter I still wanna see the sunshine if I'm gonna die, it reminds me of home.

George: Yeah well sunshine in the UK in general, comes about 3 days a year, good luck trying to enjoy the sunny weather.

(They get to the bunker) 

Thomas: Who is it?

George: It’s me you lunatic, let me in!

Thomas: (Looks at Greg) what’s he doing here?

George: Greg here is with me.

Thomas: He is not coming in here!

George: This is Thomas Greg his the leader of the nerd bunker.

Thomas: And Greg you’re not coming in, they'll follow you in here and we don't want them near us.

Greg: Can I least see y'all?

Thomas: I suppose (He opens a little silt to where Greg can look inside the bunker) 

Thomas: So I'm Thomas, (black and the leader) here's Dev. (Asian nerd) Sanjeet (Asian Nerd) Mohammed (Asian Nerd) Ahmed (Asian Nerd) Asif (Asian Nerd) Sanjay (Asian Nerd) and Francesco (European Nerd) and finally may I introduce Rhys and Sarah.

(Rhys is a wimp and wears nappies but tries hard to cover this by greeting Greg with…)

Rhys: What's up blad…?

George: F-A-I-L it spells fail Rhys if you can understand that.

Rhys: Shut up Admin, you’re not hard, you’re a nerd!

George: And yet here you are in a bunker full of nerds.

Rhys: I have a girlfriend! You don't so explain that Admin!

George: Yes of course, Greg's here is Sarah (Sarah seems polite and shy she is also covering her hair with her hands)

Greg: Why are you covering your hair? 

Sarah: Well I don't like to discuss it…

George: Sarah here is what is known as a ginger…

Greg: And what Gingers are supposedly victimised against? (He laughs as if its joke he looks up to find everyone looking at him seriously) 

Greg: Oh come on you're not serious.

(Sarah begins to cry)

Rhys: Well done!

George: Greg, gingers and nerds don't have places in society.

Greg: This is mad y'all... but didn't Chantelle have red hair as well?

George: Yes but Chantelle has dyed hair and Sarah here... is cursed with natural ginger hair... and freckles.

Greg: Oh... okay then...

Thomas: Well nice seeing you again George, as for you Greg, oh I hope you learn what an evil bully you are!

Greg: I'm new, I didn't understand I'm sor… (Thomas closes the silt) 

George: That went well.

Greg: Great now the nerds hate me.

George: (Walking back up) Don't be so down, not even I like the nerds… 

(Greg raises his eyebrows) 

George: Well I dislike a few 

(Greg looks at him)      

George: Okay! so I only hate Rhys, God I wish you'd stop looking at me like that!

Greg: Well that's great to know.

George: Greg seriously drop that look.

Greg: Fine but I… (They bump into a tall girl)

George: Hi, Carol.

Carol: Hello George, and who is this?

George: This is Greg, you know the newbie.

Carol: Oh yes the Distuging,unstatiorary,hillbilly.

Greg: Y'all not a chav, why ain't you in the bunker?

Carol: I do not degrade myself to sit in a filthy bunker.

Greg: Well how come the chavs don’t kill you?

George: Sometimes they need expectations people to constantly taunt

(Aaron walks past) 

Aaron: She is fierce.

(He leaves) 

Greg: Don't it upset you?

Carol: Of course.

 Greg: You seem really moody.

Carol: Got any suggestions you stupid boy, suicide is one I have considered many times.

Greg: Jump out the window then.

Carol (Snaps): IT'S NOT BIG ENOUGH! (She storms off)   

George: You don't wanna get on the wrong side of her.

Greg: I guess so.

George: Well let's move on.

Greg: Wait a second, who is that!

(He points at a girl who is floating in mid-air)

 George: Oh dear, okay hang on.

 (He moves towards the girl) 

George: Chelsea! You have to come down now!

Chelsea: I forgot how to fall.

Greg: Please tell me this is not happening.

George: Chelsea here is the dumbest person you will ever meet, despite not knowing basic lesson skills she also lacks the ability to breathe, blink, fall, walk, sniff, and sometimes talking. It seems here that Chelsea has learnt how to jump but forgotten how to come down. 

Greg: You're pulling my leg (George stares at him deadly serious) 

Greg: But that's impossible!

George: Greg, from what you have seen so far this is the beginning of the madness.


(Helpless TA bursts onto the scene) 

Helpless TA: There you are Chelsea, remember to breathe in and then breathe out. 

Chelsea: Breathe in and out… (She starts to breathe again)  

Helpless TA: Breathe in Chelsea; breathe out (times 40) 

Greg: When's that Chinese lady gonna stop?

George: Never, Helpless TA's job here, is to make sure she carries on breathing.

Greg: Helpless TA?

 George: Not worthy of an official name.

Greg: Well if I was her, I would record a tape thing and put in on a loop.

George: We have tried, and it has failed after they have ended up broke… we think Chelsea learnt how to crush things.

Greg: Why not just leave her not to breathe then, let her die.

George: She doesn't know how.


Chelsea: What you saying about me?

Greg: Are y'all telling me, that this girl is officially an immortal?

George: Yes

Greg: That's just fuckin…

 George: Insane, you’ll get used to it, if you survive the first day.

Greg: Can't you just leave her be, if she can’t die?

George: No, otherwise she starts screaming I CAN'T BREATHE! On a loop and everyone here has agreed they would rather have Helpless TA, take one for the team than suffer her voice. 

Greg: Wait, but that girl is plastered in make up.


Greg: Y'all tellin' me you know how to dress up, and put on make-up, but you can't breathe without assistance.

Chelsea: Yeah. God some people are so dumb.

George: This society is fucked.

Greg: I gathered.

(They move onwards) 

George: So you've met the gang, the nerds, Carol, Chelsea, Jaya there are few more to meet.

Greg: Wait y'all know how Carol said she was an exception?

George: Yeah.

Greg: Well I was thinkin'…

(He is paused as a pretty girl and two boys bound up to them) 

Lucy (Breathlessly) : Hi, I'm Lucy, you must be Greg, oh my god, are you from America, oh my god I had a step brother who went to America and he went to new York and jumped off the empire state building, I know what you’re thinking but it wasn't suicide, it was for charity, anyhow have you been to New York, because I’d love to go, it sounds so good, as a matter of fact, my aunts, brothers, sister’s, cousins’, dad’s, granddad’s, godfather’s, friend also went to America she was a lesbian and went to Hollywood where she met Lindsey Lohan, and apparently they had an affair, and she’s going to release a tell it all book, you know, it sounds, great, I’ll be first, in line to get one, and another time, my step, step brother brought home and American flag and burned it over a spider he trapped, and guess what it didn't die, in fact it re grew it legs and survived in that jar for two weeks and then…

(Greg continues to stare at her she is a very attractive girl) 

Lucy: … my great aunt had a heart attack over one McDonald’s chip; I tell you they sell poison anyhow what about yourself?

Greg: You're Purdy.

(He suddenly realises the embarrassed statement he has just let slip, he goes red and Lucy stares at him oddly) 

Greg: I mean y'all perfect, y'all err…

(Things go from bad to worse) 

Dean: Anyhow that's Lucy I'm Dean, her “mate”.

Elliot: No I'm a better mate than you, I'm Elliot by the way

Dean: Excuse me underling, but Lucy clearly likes me more.

Elliot: Me and Lucy have been hanging around since year… 

Greg: Are you two in a fight over something?

Elliot: No.

Dean: No were just messing, anyhow Greg you need be cooler with her, tut tut I'm afraid to say, you ain't got much of a chance with her now…

Elliot: YES! (Everyone turns to him)

 Elliot: YES! I just trod on a stupid ant.

Lucy: Elliot you know I love ants, that's animal cruelty.

Elliot: Err well…

Dean: SCORE! (They turn to him) 

Dean: I was on about last night’s game.

Lucy: Okay then, nice meeting you Greg (turns to leave) oh hi George well I'll see you two later. (The three of them leave, Greg turns to George who he notices has been silent the whole time, he notices that his cheeks are red and something in his trousers is bulging).

Greg: Well I'm not the only one with a crush. (George snaps out of his stupor and covers his boner with his bag and storms on) 

George: Don't be stupid, I don’t fancy her.

Greg: What's with the blush and the boner then… 

George: I didn't… I don't… I don't think…

Greg: Yeah right.

George: You must have been seeing something wrong… 

Greg: No, I saw how silent you went and how you blushed as she passed.

George: That is not a… (They step outside and a crowd parts and bows)

Greg: What is this?

George: Oh no its Jack, and Florence

(In the middle of the school grounds there is a stage, with a smiling boy and girl on it, in celebrity type clothes and someone is recording it onto a phone) 

Jack: (To phone camera): Welcome to the latest edition of newbie, where will be interviewing the latest newbie to our school and see whether he can survive the first day, here is Greg! 

(Greg is pushed onto the stage in front of a massive crowd)  

Florence (barging into Jack and holding a microphone right up to Greg's face) 

Florence (fake cheesy voice): So Greg I think we'd all like to know how are you feeling right now?

Greg: Err... well how do you know my name?  And I'm feeling a little… 

(Jack bursts onto the scene) 

Jack: Shocking words from Newbie number 115!

Greg: I have a name! and I didn't say anything shock…

(Florence pushes Jack out of view of the camera to get attention, she has deliberately ripped her clothes so her boobs are showing).

 Florence: We have a fiery newbie in our midst, so Greg…

(Jack bursts onto this scene his top his off to attract attention) 

Jack: Greg how are you…?

(He pushed off camera by Florence) 

Florence: Jack you've taken you're top off, why?

Jack: It’s a hot day.

Florence: So it is, you should go and lie down and let me finish the interview.

 Jack: I would but I think you should, I dare say you need a tan

(Florence gasps) 

Florence: Excuse me, but I didn't hear that right on this lovely sunny day.

Random slag in the crowd: IT'S NOVEMBER!

(Florence and Jack begin to argue and try to hog the camera, Greg quietly runs off stage to George) 

Greg: What on earth was that?

George: A tradition they always do with the latest newbie.

Greg: And does that go on television?

George: No it ends up uploaded on their YouTube channel, they are deluded enough to think it will end up going viral…  

Greg: So that describes them what about those three earlier?

George: Oh yes Lucy, she is a lovely girl very nice… (He begins to daydream Greg coughs)

George: Yes well, Lucy she's nice, but can chat far too much, she seems to have an unlimited number of stories and relatives. 

Greg: You can say that again.

George: And Elliot and Dean have been following her around since Year 7, pretending their friends with her, but secretly they both want her very bad. 

Greg: And have they been out with her? 

George: No, only reason Florence and Jack are still alive is because they promise the chavs fame and fortune (snorts) yeah like that will happen, anyway Lucy is apparently to fit to kill as Aaron and the rest of the male gang members want to bang her… 

Greg: And Dean and Elliot?

George: For some reason, they just tag along with Lucy and survive.

Greg: What about that Jaya girl? 

George: Oh her… I dunno… she’s just there.

 Greg: So anyway, that Lucy is still single hey?

 George:  Yeah still gives me a ch… I mean Dean and Elliot still have a chance with her… 

Greg: Right. 

The End

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