Is It A Bird? Is It A Plane? No It's Chelsea. Flying Again.Mature

Act 7

Scene 1  

(7th March) 

(Greg awakens to find Imogen snuggled next to him, he gently pushes her off only to find Daz grinning at him) 

Daz: Doe fancy her hey? 

Greg: Friends cuddle up to each other, in times of support…

Daz: Bullshit Greg, ya can speak all fancy all ya want, but I know two people who are gonna fuck when I see em.

Greg: Like you and Suzanne?

Daz: Yup.

Greg: But you ain't had sex yet.

Daz: Had sex last night.

Greg: What a load of… 

Suzanne (walking up to Daz): Hey Dan, baby (kisses him) last night… Oooh that was the best fuck I've ever had.

Greg: Wat? How… did you…?

Suzanne: Dan here's a professional, he knows where to take chicks off in private and fuck them where no prying eyes can see.

Daz: And quietly and I doe regret it.

Suzanne: As bad as and as tacky as it sounds Greg, I don't regret it either.

Greg: Why not? 

Suzanne: Were outta food, and drink and God knows what else, Roger's men are probably scouting the forest right now, we had nothing else to lose. With so little time left, why not?

Greg: I can understand that.

Suzanne (after a lull in the conversation): So how are you…? 

Greg: Holdin' up? I'm copin', okay? Jack was a friend, Charlie was so small and tiny he didn't deserve any of this, and Joey… well you know the two of them were plannin' all kinds of shit after this? To go into business and all, now… now that's just… never gonna happen, it's like there is no future for us.

Imogen (waking up): So guys, is Greg having another one of his self-pity speeches?

Suzanne and Daz: Pretty much.

Imogen: I thought so, come on Greg I've told you all this before carry on, don't give up etc… etc… 

Greg: Right sorry, just remembering Joey, didn't think I'd miss the douchebag this much.

Imogen: He was your cousin, it's natural to be grieving.

(The group reassemble Greg, Imogen, Daz, Suzanne, Mrs Conrad, Eric, Chelsea, Helpless TA, Mrs Layton, Chantelle, Aaron, Gordon, Florence, Thomas, Jaya, Danny and Wilhelmina assemble, the 17 of them unsure of where to go or what to do next…) 

Chantelle: So what now miss? 

Mrs Layton: Head north.

Chantelle: But were outta food.

Mrs Layton: Listen, we just need one more day of trekking north, if were quick by this time tomorrow, we'll be ready to head east and towards the coast where the D bunker is located.

Greg: And then we'll be safe from Roger and his men, we'll have all the food we need.

Mrs Conrad: Well unless Chelsea learns to fly again, were all going to collapse of hunger pains and die because… (Turns her bag upside down but nothing comes out) we have absolutely no food left.

Mrs Layton: We either stay here and die of hunger, or we make a break for it and maybe come across food on the way.

Chantelle: Yeah alright then, let's go! 

Suzanne: You're in a good mood.

Chantelle: Still here ay I? Plus when we reach that bunker ,me and Aaron and Gordon am having a threesome.

Aaron: (still recording): I'll be ready for it.

Gordon: I CAN'T! 

Chantelle: Why not? Ya Auntie Jeana ain't around anymore to tell ya otherwise.

Gordon: DON'T BE SO INSENSITIVE! (Bursts into tears and runs off) 

Aaron: Gord… fuck man, him and his mood swings.

Mrs Conrad: Please tell me by this point, you have deduced that spineless organism is not the chav he pretends to be.

Chantelle: Nah man, Gord's alright, his just a fucking, queer, little twat sometimes.

Mrs Conrad: 99 per cent of the time, you must both be either impossibly naïve or your brains must be as none-existent as Chelsea's.

Aaron: But fam… 

Eric: Does it really matter? You're not in some massive chavvy group in White View anymore you're in the middle of a nuclear wasteland and there are only 3 chavs left, you and Chantelle, Chelsea may be one of your “crew” but she's too dumb to know what a chav is and you ca'’t consider Gordon a chav, not after all those outbursts? 

Aaron: Yeah he can be a fucker, but his one of us, he speaks like us.

Eric: I give up.

Mrs Conrad: I do too, but Eric that was my argument not yours, so why you got yourself involved is a mystery to me.

Eric: Just wanted to… 

Mrs Conrad: Support me? Well I am talking, so don't speak up.

Eric: I… 

Mrs Conrad: Shut up.

(He does so) 

Mrs Layton: Okay, to make it clear were heading north, any objections?

Chantelle: Yeah can we just stop and have an orgy? Because if we don't make it… 

Thomas: You know considering Charmaine died yesterday, you don't seem the least bit bothered by it.

Chantelle: Charmaine told me that if she died, she didn't want a funeral or any of that crap she wasn't Bovvered so why should I be, it's what she would have wanted.

Mrs Layton: She gave her life saving me, you and that baby.

Chantelle: So she didn't want all dat mushy shit, no funeral, no crap just wanted me to enjoy myself and that's what I'm going do.

Imogen: In a nuclear wasteland (guwaffs) good luck with that.

Florence (flinching): Jack used to say that.

Jaya: Florence, you okay? Because you have not uttered a word for the past couple of hours, which is a first for you.

Florence: I'm okay I guess.

Chantelle: Yeah well, back to the point so what if were in a nuclear wasteland? I can have fun.

Chelsea: Were not in a nuclear wasteland actually, were in a forest.

Helpless TA: Well observed Chelsea.

Chantelle: Yeah Chelsh and Helpless T… you know I'm getting bored of saying Helpless TA so I thought of a new name for you.

Helpless TA: Go on.

Chantelle: Helpless T! 

Helpless TA: Why Helpless T? 

Chantelle: It's gangster ay it?

Helpless TA: No it's not, It's worse than Helpless TA, you know, one day, I wish I had a name. (sings in wizard of oz style) Oh if I only had a name.

Chelsea: MISS! MISS! I'VE GOT A NAME FOR YA! 

Helpless TA: What? Useless TA! Fat TA! Dumb TA! Gormless TA! 

Chelsea: Nah Tia.

Helpless TA: Tia? That's just TA with an I in the middle.

Chelsea: Well I forgot how to pronounce Hel… however it went and ya first name. I thought could be TA, but Ta sounded stu-ped so I thought Tia would be better.

Helpless TA (Sighing) Well I guess I'd could still be Helpless TA, thanks Chelsea I guess Tia will do.

Chelsea: Yep Tia my teacher.

Helpless TA: Yes! FROM NOW ON I WILL BE KNOWN AS TIA! 

Chantelle: LOL, sit down Helpless TA.

Greg: Don't be harsh Tia actually has a… 

(He gets no further, as an arrow from a crossbow narrowly misses his head and wedges itself into a nearby tree) 

Greg: MY GOD! THAT WAS CLOSER TO ME THAN OLD EDDIE FIRING HIS 12 GAUGE WHEN SHIT FACED! 

Chantelle: Da fuck you on about Greg? 

Greg: Never mind, just something we used to say at home, Ol Eddie was a dead shot and even when drunk outta his mind… 

Thomas: Who gives a shit about Ol Eddie! I wanna know… WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT ARROW COME FROM! 

(Two more arrows fly through the air at this, followed by Gordon who is sprinting at full speed)

Gordon: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! ROGER AND HIS MEN HAVE FOUND US!!!

Mrs Conrad (to Aaron): And he is still a chav to you? 

Aaron: FUCK THAT! RUN! 

Mrs Conrad: Of course you're both pitiful pussyholes.

(A few more arrows fly over Gordon's head and by this point everyone, even Mrs Conrad is running through the forest) 

Eric: Can't… go… on… 

Greg: Oh shit… oh shit… oh… (Suddenly remembers something) ah that's it! (Begins to climb a nearby tree) 

Imogen: GREG, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?

Greg: Up these tree's y'all! 

Helpless TA: WHY?! 

Greg: It was just like when me and George used to do this in Mortdale park, to avoid all the chavs just jump through the treetops.

Imogen: Greg that was him and you! Not me or anyone else here! 

Greg: JUST GET UP HERE IMOGEN! IT'S EITHER THAT OR YOU DIE! 

(Sighing she does so) 

Danny (climbing tree): now what? We all go Tarzan? 

Florence:  I dunno.

Wilhelmina: Well we roofed hopped yesterday, why not tree jump today? 

Danny: Because… it's so… 

(Meanwhile on the ground) 

Helpless TA: CHELSEA GET UP HERE! 

Chelsea: DON'T KNOW HOW!

Helpless TA: JUST CLIMB! YOU THICK BITCH! 

Chelsea:(panicking) I DUNNO HOW MISS! AH! THERE GONNA GET ME! 

Helpless TA: But you can't die, remember? 

Chelsea (calm and smiling): oh yeah.

Helpless TA: (As Roger's men prepare to catch Chelsea) Well that's in then, don't climb up the tree Chelsea! Don't climb to salvation!

(At this point Chelsea suddenly begins to climb up the tree and reaches where Helpless TA is crouched on a branch) 

Chelsea: Hi Tia.

Helpless TA: Oh great, now you start to climb, why do you always do the friggin opposite of what I tell you?

(Helpless TA pauses, as the answer processes through her brain) 

(Meanwhile up ahead) 

Eric: Oh shit, there coming up the tree's! 

(One of Roger's men aims a crossbow at Eric and he ducks just in time, although he loses a few strands of hair) 

Mrs Conrad: We need to move faster and now! 

(Jaya jumps over a large space after Thomas, to put distance between herself and Roger’s men but she slips when she touches down on a weak branch ends up hanging onto the branch with one hand…) 

Jaya: THOMAS HELP! 

(Thomas looks back and sees one of Roger's men with a crossbow aimed at Jaya, and himself, he panics and flees the scene, leaving Jaya hanging) 

Jaya: Helllp! 

(The man fires his crossbow at Jaya and it hits her in the palm, she screams as she falls from the tree as she does, there's a crack and Jaya falls to the ground without her hand as it is still impaled onto the tree branch) 

Greg: JAYA! 

Wilhelmina: She is so… (She loses her concentration at this point, as she is focusing on Jaya and has a bad hangover, she also finds herself falling from the trees until…) 

Danny: GOTCHA! (He grabs a dangling Wilhelmina by the hand and pulls her back up to safety) 

Danny: Well don't I get a thank you? Aren't you going to praise your fabulous saviour or just stare at me? 

Wilhelmina: Imma stare at you, because I don't know who you are and what you've done with Danny Flynn, first you thank me and then you save me, who are you? 

Danny: I'm me, because I'm that amazing.

Wilhelmina: Oh wait a minute, It Is you Danny, I'd recognise that statue of liberty sized head anywhere.

 Danny: And you're hung over so you're still Wilhelmina.

Imogen: This is so hunger games, I swear if we find a nest of tracker jackers right now.

Chantelle: What you on about? 

Imogen: Be-good-if-we-find-wasp-nest-use-on-them.

(Points at Roger's men) 

Chantelle: Don't patronize me I ay thick.

Imogen: I could argue against that.

Chantelle: I… 

Greg: Imogen not now, c'mon grab my hand real tight here and just jump across here.

Imogen: What about Jaya? 

Greg: She's gone Imogen I'm sor… 

(Roger himself recognises Greg's red cap and fires a crossbow at his head, he moves in the nick of time, but that doesn't stop the arrow from slicing his cheek open, as blood spurts from the wound, he tries to cover the gash with one hand, but loses his grip on the tree branch he was holding onto too and falls to the floor) 

Imogen: GREG! 

(He rolls around on the floor as one of Roger's men prepares to slaughter him. Imogen comes down from where she is crouched in the tree and punches the guy in the face halting him, however that does not stop him from switching his attention to Imogen and beginning to beat her brutally) 

Imogen:  (croaking) elp… 

(The man beating her finds his head bouncing on the forest floor, a second later. As he falls, a dazed Imogen who is covered in both his and her own blood falls back only to Imogen to see Jaya there her weapon of a blood-stained sword in her hand and she is clutching her bleeding stump to her chest) 

Imogen: Jaya you saved me! 

Jaya: (grimacing) We must fight on as you constantly tell Greg.

Imogen: Right (remembers Greg and runs over to where he is still squirming on the floor)

Imogen: GREG! ARE YOU ALRIGHT! 

Greg: MY FACE! MY FACE! DAMMINT! 

Imogen: Just stay still, were going too…

(She looks up to find Roger with his crossbow trained on her head and Roger's men approaching from all sides) 

Jaya: Well, we are trapped 

Roger: (to Greg) I ain't fucking letting you get to that bunker, I've lost too many men and come too far.

Greg: Just let us go! What the fuck is the point!? Look you're pissed off TPM! Aren't you?! We can face him together! 

Roger: Together! Are you mad boy! You can't reach that bunker, because that would break my share of the deal! It would be unfair! 

Greg: What are you on about? 

Roger: You don't know? Well… 

(He is about to explain, when the sound of a shotgun cracking, fills the air and Greg, Imogen, and Jaya turn to see Florence with a smoking shotgun, firing shots at Roger's men) 

Florence: DIE! FUCKING DIE! YOU ART THE ONE REPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF MY LIFETIME BOYFRIEND! THY SOUL MATE! I WILL SEE ONTO THAT YOU ART TO SUFFER! 

(She kills several of his men as they either flee or fire crossbows back) 

Florence: TIS THE SHIT! 

Jaya: This is madness.

Imogen: No, This is Spartaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!(Receives weird stares) oh come on, 300 is a must watch… 

Greg: Either way we need to get outta here! 

Imogen: OVER THERE! 

(They look up to see Chelsea has learnt to fly again and the rest of the gang are flying through the air by holding onto her) 

Helpless TA: CHELSEA, HEAD UP! 

(With this Chelsea heads down) 

Mrs Layton: (extending hand to Greg) GRAB HOLD! 

(He does so and finds himself lifted into air, Imogen grabs onto him, Florence grabs onto Imogen, and with her good hand Jaya grabs onto Florence and they soar out of the forest) 

Roger: HOW THE FUCK!? 

Wilhelmina (laughing): FUCK LOGIC SUCKERS! 

Greg: Better luck next time!

(Sticks his middle finger up at them and begins to wave it around) 

Imogen: Real mature Greg.

Greg: Lighten up, we just escaped with our damn lives Imogen! 

Imogen: Yes, but we have just left behind a bunch of pissed off guys, not to mention Jaya lost a hand and you have a giant cut on your cheek!

(At this, Greg's hand flies back to his cheek, he had forgotten about his wound until now, he feels it and it begins to sting again and the pain ebbs back into his being…) 

Greg: Fuck… we need to find medical supplies.

Jaya (going pale from blood loss): Yes we need to hurry.

Daz: Oi you Chelsh! GO DOWN! 

(She goes up) 

Daz: WTF! I SAID GO DOWN! 

(She goes further up) 

Daz: OI! LISTEN TO ME…!

Helpless TA: (Grinning) I was just the same as you with her, Chelsea, she used to piss me off so easily because she didn't listen to a word I said. But just now, I realise whatever I ask her to do, she does the opposite.

Chelsea: I can't work under pressure I end up doing stuff wrong.

Helpless TA: See! Chelsea here hates pressure, and if I tell her do the opposite of what she should be doing, then she finds it much easier to do.

Mrs Conrad: So you're telling me that Chelsea can only accomplish her physically impossible feats when being told to do the opposite, of what you want? 

Helpless TA: YES! That's it! The first time Chelsea flew I told her in anger to stay and die, and she flies! And she fell because I put pressure on her to fly higher.

Chantelle: So everyone's deaths could have been avoided if we knew this earlier? 

Chelsea: Don''t pile it on, I feel bad 

The End

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