Act 7  

(The next day) 

Choir: Four days till Christmas… 

Mrs Conrad: Yes. we are all aware, so can shut up?

Random Slag in the choir: NO! 

Mrs Conrad: Say that again 



Daz: No sign of him, he day come home last night.

Taz: Daz this is terrible, we have to try and find him! 

Daz: I guess so, why are you so concerned?

Taz: Well… you and Greg will be a nice family for me, you love me right? 

Daz: If ya mean love in like "banging" ya then, I’d love to shag ya.

Taz: Well you love me for who I am? Because I have a little secret… 

Daz: I've been there love, STD filled birds, had tons of them…  

Taz: Not that… it's… 

(Phone rings) 

Daz: Hang on babe, I'll answer this…  (to person on phone) WHO THE FUCK IS THIS! 

Terry: (On loudspeaker, so the boy listening outside can hear on it) It's us, Terry an Kerry surely you know who we are? The Police officers who...

Daz: Yeah, quieten the fuck down, this is on loudspeaker y'aknow?

Kerry: Oh were so sorry *Note the sarcasm* anyhow were coming with presents for Gregory this Christmas, we hope you've been treating him right.

Daz: Course I have.

Terry: Cause if you haven't, we'll be dragging him back to Alabama quicker than you can say howdy do… 

Daz: Yeah whatever, when ya going be here?

Kerry: Tomoz, as you like to phrase it, anyhow toodle pip…

(Call ends) 

Danny (from outside): That was interesting (he takes off silently, a plan formulating in his mind) 

Taz: Well that was sudden.

Daz: Yeah, anyhow what were you saying?  

Taz: Oh well… Daz… 

(There interrupted by a knock at the door) 

Daz: Oh fucking hell who could this be…!

(Opens door to find Mrs Conrad standing there) 

Daz: SHIT! 

Taz: Oh it's you. 

Mrs Conrad: Oh yes it's you, this mentally, handicapped, specimen's, (points at Daz) generic girlfriend, who'll be dead in a few days.

Taz: Rubbish… 

Mrs Conrad: His last girlfriend died right where you were standing Tanya… (She glares at Mrs Conrad for using her real name) and I was standing right here, she just dropped dead and that disgusting Pitbull ate her… 

Taz: Yeah well that won't happen to me! (However, she slowly backs away from Lake at this point)  

Mrs Conrad: You're right, it won't happen to you, your death will be far worse.

Daz: Will you tell us, what you fucking came for?!

Mrs Conrad: Since you asked so nicely, I've have been given the very tedious task of handing out fliers to the Christmas light show. I recommend you go and help with a certain Miss McKinney's lights.

Daz: That art cunt, thy art not!

Mrs Conrad: Thou art would, or else I will force you.

Taz: Why are you even considering helping that girl?

Mrs Conrad: Because, I hate her neighbour Miss Danica, we went to school together, uptight bitch burned with a Bunsen burner the once, she was always a show off, I hated her guts.

Daz: Why not just kill her then?

Mrs Conrad: Because she needs to beaten at something, before I can kill her, it adds humility to the death. If I kill her now she’ll be remembered little miss perfect, oh that bitch needs bringing down a peg or ten and I will make sure I succeeded… 

(She is griping her hands so tightly, they are bleeding) 

Daz (slightly alarmed): Oh-kay we'll help, chill out.

Mrs Conrad: Good.

Taz: So have you seen Greg anywhere, because he day come back yesterday?

Mrs Conrad (very bluntly): No I haven't…


(Meanwhile, outside of Mortdale Prison, Greg is clutching a knife he found on the street and is pacing outside, he's sober but still seems demented) 

Greg (out loud): How do I get in? How the fuck do I get in…?

Wilhelmina: So, I see you'll still here… (Hiccups) 

Greg: Yeah I am, I'm getting in there and slaughtering them all!

Wilhelmina: I've been watching you (Hiccups) 

Greg: Stalker.

 Wilhelmina: You're the only (hiccups) interesting one around here to stalk (hiccups) so you slept outside the prison the whole night?

Greg: Yes, are you still shit-faced?

Wilhelmina: Don't question the logic of it.

Greg: Ugh, just go away now Wilhelmina.

Wilhelmina: Can't, I'm involved now.

Greg: Yeah well, unless you can find a good way into the prison, which I hugely doubt… 

Wilhelmina: (giggling): You're so silly, just take the front door!

Greg: Yeah with a knife in sight, they'll be wondering what I'm doing.

 Wilhelmina: Just hide it in your pocket then retard… (Laughs) 

Greg: Yeah hilarious… they'll search my clothes, they always do when you visit a cell.

Wilhelmina: They don't in this town.

Greg: They do now, the police have upped their game.

Wilhelmina: And whose fault is that (rolls eyes at Greg) 

Greg: I didn't ask for it you know.

Wilhelmina: I don't get you, first you want the police to up their game, now they have, you wanted them to become meek and passive again.

Greg: Their getting tougher, if they could execute the scumbags then I wouldn't have a problem.

Wilhelmina: Then let's just go in there, request for the death plenty and go get a drink.

Greg: No, I have to end this! 

Voice: Then why not sneak through here… 

(Greg and Wilhelmina look up surprised, at Danny whose standing by an air vent, covered by a large skip) 

Greg: You, the guy with the crossbow!?

Danny: Fellow competitor in the Penti-Present tournament, would have been so much nicer.

Wilhelmina: Oh it's you Damien.

Danny: Danny.

Wilhelmina: Whatever Damien.

Danny: Hang on, you're the posh one from the tournament, what the fuck happened to you?

Wilhelmina: MELTDOWN! BABY!

Danny: Anyway,  if you two, wanna get into the prison, its easy, just sneak through here and you'll eventually be right above the cells, you can drop in and finish the job.

Wilhelmina: Well they'll be unarmed, we can do this guys!

Greg: (To Danny): Wait a minute, why do want to help? 

Danny: I hate these chavs as much as you do.

Greg: Okay I understand your reasoning, but you (gestures to Wilhelmina) why you are even here? why you are helping out? 

Wilhelmina: I'm Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrreed.

Greg: Fine, you can tag along.

Danny: Before we go in there, Frank and co are still a threat, so both of you will need this (hands them white powder) 

Greg: And this is?

Danny: From what the boy called it… it's known as…    gfrynmjuhskfuhdmnkghfunmfhbvnmfvhmuirjeuyhtjrfyudhjf 


Danny: Yeah, anyhow it works like a charm, gives you the polar opposite personality to what you really are.

Greg: If that was true, then Gordon was telling the truth! But where’s the proof ?

Danny: This is the proof (approaches a naked Chantelle on the street corner) excuse me miss? Would you like to snort this random drug?

Chantelle: Kay then… (Begins to snort it) 

Greg: Chantelle! You're pregnant! think about the baby!

 Chantelle: The bab can f… (She pauses her eyes become glazed over she blinks and sees she's naked) 


(Runs off) 

Greg: Words have failed me, it… it actually works! 

Wilhelmina: Well the only thing I can say to that is gfrynmjuhskfuhdmnkghfunmfhbvnmfvhmuirjeuyhtjrfyudhjf!?

Danny: WTF, would have saved time.

Wilhelmina: Oh be quiet Damien.

Danny (frowning): its Danny, how would you like if I started calling you Willie?

(Wilhelmina bends over laughing) 

Wilhelmina: That would (hiccups) be hilarious!

Danny: Yeah I bet it would. 

Greg: How'd you get this anyhow Danny? 

Danny (suddenly elusive): I got lucky… he dropped a bit… still Greg and Willie let's go! 

Greg:(As they crawl into the vent) One more question, how'd you know about this vent? 

Danny: Greg. I'm probably the most streetwise guy in Mortdale, having lived homeless and on the run for over a week now. I know where everything is.

Wilhelmina: Can we all just get going now?

(They do) 

Greg: Ugh,  air vents are cramped, dirty places… 

Danny: Ermm,  Greg can I borrow your cap?

Greg: What on earth do y'all want my cap for? 

Danny: Ermm… just so when we attack the chavs, they'll go for me first and then you can take them down.

Greg: Okay (hands cap over) 

Wilhelmina: Well Damien, looks like you're the cap pimp now!

Danny: Be quiet, Willie! 

(Wilhelmina only laughs) 

Greg: Be quiet the pair of ya!

(A few minutes later)

Greg: here we are… right above the cell, Leanne… Kyle and Frank are in there… revenge is mine! 

Danny: Well go in first and… 

(Greg leaps out of the vent and lands in the cell) 

Leanne: WTF! 

Frank: Aw Gregory, come to take us on single handed?


(Charges at Frank and slashes at him with the knife)    

Frank: Yes go on Greg! 


(He slashes at Frank again and cuts him on the forehead) 

Frank: Ooooooh it hurts, give me some more! 


(Just then Wilhelmina drunkenly falls from the vent) 

Wilhelmina (to the wall): COME ON THEN! I'LL TAKE YOU ALL!

(Begins to punch the wall) 

Leanne: Again, WTF, you're drunk Bab.

Wilhelmina (turning to her): Ugh, you're such a slut.

Leanne: Right I'm gonna sit on ya.

Wilhelmina: Ooooooh, such a deadly weapon *Note the sarcasm* 

Leanne: It is actually.

Wilhelmina: Probably right (hiccups) I mean the amount of flab on you (hiccups) ever heard of weight-watchers love?

Leanne: Have actually.

Wilhelmina: Yeah, I suppose you and family of sperm whales back home complain about em all the time.

(Leanne charges at Wilhelmina ,the catfight begins) 

Greg: DIE! DIE! DIE! (Lifts his knife ready to finish Frank off ,but Kyle quickly cripples Greg's arm, in pain Greg drops the knife, Kyle scoops it up and Frank tackles Greg to the ground. he pins the knife to his throat) 

Kyle: Sir I have the honour of killing him at last!

Frank (bloody and shaken): Oh no Kyle, not today, we are escaping…

(Points to open air vent above the cell) 

Kyle: But sir we can kill him…!


Frank: Oh but Gregory, I would have happily killed you a few minutes ago, if not for the way you attacked me and the way you enjoyed it, very chav- like indeed Gregory.

Greg: I-hate-you…!

Kyle: Oh I see, Gregory we are alike in so many ways, why kill you now? When there are so many of your friends to kill first, to drive you berserk… 

Frank: And then by the time you get to killing us, we won't be needed any more (whispers to Greg) because Mortdale will already have its new leader. Chav or non-chav the violent image of you, will be enough to make sure that in the end the chav way of life is right after all… 

(Greg makes some sort of animalistic roar)

Kyle: Language, let's go sir,  Leanne! (Leanne, who is currently sitting on Wilhelmina looks up) were leaving thanks to Greg.      

Leanne: Let's get going then.

(Frank lifts her through the air vent hole) 


(No response, Danny is no-where to be seen) 

Wilhelmina: He ditched us!

Greg: Fuuuccc…!

Kyle: Well he knew best, to flee not to fight, but he and the weak will die eventually, unlike us Greg… the strong… the most violent… until we meet again.

(He and Frank escape through the hole and begin to crawl through the air vent). 

Frank: (shouting back to them) Oh and don't worry about food and drink! The guards left us loads to last for Christmas, so were alone by the time they check the cells again, well… it will be after the Christmas holidays and when they get back to work, because they break up today and there last check-up was 5 minutes ago (laughs) we'll have done enough damage and Greg they'll let you go, so you can hunt us down… happy Christmas behind bars!  

(He shuts the air vent lid so Wilhelmina and Greg can't escape the cell and he crawls to freedom, ready to wreak havoc on all of Mortdale) 

The End

5 comments about this work Feed