(The next day)
Choir: Five Days till Christmas…
Richard: Shut up's!
Random Slag in the choir: WHY SHOULD WE!
Random Slag in the Crowd: CAUSE YOU SHOULD, IDIOT!
Greg (writing in diary) So the past couple of days have been shitty.
And what's worse is that no one is doing anything about it. I really don't care about what people say about me anymore. Or what they want from me. Things are getting so predictable this town, I already know how it's going to go down.
I'm dead meat, my friends are dead meat, everyone is gonna die at some point, maybe it's because I'm new here, but other than making probably the best friends a guy could ask for, Mortdale in my month and a half here has been hell.
I just can't deal with it anymore, Call me asshole, but I'm always expected to just waltz into a scene and magically change the town. How? Why can't the others do it, they rely on me just cause I'm an outsider and have morales, they should do something. We should all change the town, not just me alone.
I just need a way out.
(He drops his diary at this point, as he bends over to pick it up, he realises it fell on a Carlsberg can, curious Greg lifts the can and stares at it for a few moments...)
(A few hours later, a concerned Daz and Taz go to check on Greg in his room)
Daz: Greg… ermm are you okay? y'ave been up here all day.
Greg (Hammered): Never, been better cousin! I Lurve this room!
Daz: Greg what the fuck? Hang on... your voice is slurred.
Greg: (playfully) Ain't.
Daz: (noticing empty Carlsberg Can's) You're shit faced!
Greg: That's rude, ain't no dung on my face!
Taz: Never thought I'd live to see the day when my Dazzy was sober and Graz was drunk.
Greg: Neither, did I but y’all know how times change, right?
Daz: Greg get a fucking hold over yourself!
Greg: Why should I? This is fun Dainel, I can see how you cope now.
Daz: Just get a grip!
Greg: Why should I? there not punished right… no…? I… i…
Daz: Greg what the fuck are you on about now?
Greg: HA! The secret of life!
Daz: Oh heck you are completely wasted, I should be proud, but for some reason this is too weird to take in.
Greg: Oh well, I'm going into the outside world to fulfil my life duties!! Ha!
(Skips out the house)
(Daz and Taz stare at each other completely at a loss for words)
Taz: Dazzy my darling, how'd he even get his hands on the booze?
Daz: Oh y’aknow I leave it lying around everywhere, but I day think he would actually drink it.
Taz: Dazzy these are strange times, but I just need to confess something before things get worse...
Daz: Doe matter Tazzy, just fuck me already.
Taz: Yeah well…
(She is drowned out by Lake’s barks at the door)
Daz: Oh, what now!?
(Opens the door to find George, Lucy, Imogen, Thomas, Jaya, Florence and Jack standing there)
Florence: Where thou art Is Gregory?
Daz: (Mocking her): Thou art not in here
(Florence frowns at him)
George: So his gone out?
Daz: Yup, completely wasted.
Imogen: Greg? Wasted?
Imogen: I don't believe it.
Taz: Well babes you gotta believe it, I saw it myself.
Imogen: Okay if Greg was wasted, we would know right about…
Chantelle (with her big gob from the distance): OMFG! GREG IS DRUNK GUYS!
Jack: I take he doesn't want to go Christmas shopping with us then?
Daz: That's an obvious answer, now fuck off before I set my Pitbull on ya.
(Lake growls menacingly, the group flee the house and Daz slams the door shut)
(Elsewhere on the streets of Mortdale…)
Greg: WOO! (Singing) MY LITTLE PONY!
Aaron: WTF! Chan was right, Greg is fucking wasted.
Greg: (noticing him, and Ryan standing there) Oh hey! What you two… Scummy chaps… up too?
Ryan: Were going to Gordon's to get high off that drug...
Greg: Oh why get high? When you get so blissfully drunk?
Aaron: You know you're acting fucking strange, were the druggies and drunks around here. Not you!
Greg: and what are you…( jabs finger at Innocent man who looks like Ryan, the man runs off and Greg collapses to the floor still slurring his words to Aaron and Ryan above) … gonna do about it.
Ryan: We’ll fucking stab ya blad!
Greg: ooooooh I'm so scared of a little stabbing *Note the sarcasm* (Greg then bursts into laughter)
Aaron: What the fuck?
(Just then a drunken Wilhelmina stumbles up to Greg)
Wilhelmina: What's so funny cap pimp?
Ryan: Bigger, What the fuck.
Greg: Hello posh doll, me and my mates Ryan and Aaron here were having a lengthy discussion about Rainbows…
Ryan: No we fucking weren't and were not fucking mates!
Wilhelmina: Yet you still speak to him, you know what… (She pauses and then unexpectedly pukes all over Aaron who leaps back in shock) I can see the logic… in that.
Aaron: Jesus Christ you're both… Ugh! I never thought I'd have to say that to anyone else!
Greg (in a very loud voice): YES AARON, YOU LIKE MY LITTLE PONY TOO! WELL SO DO I…!
Ryan: Shit, his embarrassing us.
Aaron: Let’s go!
Wilhelmina: YEAH GO HOME, YOU'RE DRUNK!
(Aaron and Ryan flee the scene)
Greg: Nice one posh girl, we showed them…
(The two begin sniggering for no reason what-so-ever, causing passer’s by to stare)
Wilhelmina: So Cap-Pimp or should or say Greggie, where are your sober friends?
Greg: Where are yours Willie? You uptown gurl…
Wilhelmina: Fuck em, after the tournament, they all ditched me… showed their true colours. I got so upset, mum and dad (hiccups) wouldn't even look at me so I (Hiccups) took off here into the streets.
Greg: I asked where your friends were. Not your life story.
Wilhelmina: Screw it, I'm telling it you anyway. Because I'm… depressed. I was never good enough for snobby Greenwood, so after I failed in that tournament, I fell apart, I'm a homeless beggar now baby! And guess what!?
Wilhelmina: I still question the logic of everything… because I'm thick! There I said it!
(She slumps on the floor)
Greg: Oh, get the violins…
Wilhelmina: Yep that's me alright! hitting the bottle because I'm depressed(hiccups) what about you?
Greg: Well Willie, I'm gonna die in this town.
Wilhelmina: (hiccups) aren't we all Cap Pimp?
Greg: But the others, they haven't had a decent home, with real parents who loved them… a real community spirit and to compare that to this shithole… is enough (hiccups) to make me depressed.
Wilhelmina: Keep going, let it all out.
Greg: I don’t wanna die here. everyone just expects me, to go down (hiccups) heroically like the good little anti-chav boy I meant to be, not one break (hiccups) no justice for Frank, bloody, Tibet who makes my life hell, so why do I have to wait?
Wilhelmina: Dropping out the system like me then?
Greg: Yup (hiccups) same routine every day, go to school, look around this depressing town go through another adventure, well another dosage of hell, survive and watch my friends suffer and die. I suffer too (hiccups) but I can cope, yeah right. I developed that phobia of fire...
Wilhelmina: Really… interesting this…
Greg: I'm being damaged beyond repair and I deserve some reward, but that ain't going happen, so I'm doing something different! Imma do it myself in my way… (Hiccups) get some justice! My greatest Christmas present will be, Frank Tibet’s, Leanne and especially Kyle's heads on a platter.
Wilhelmina: You gonna try and kill em Blondie? Seriously?
Greg: Yup Imma end this once and for all… somehow by myself, seeing as no one else will. They rely on me to change things anyway, so I will. (Hiccups) Nice speaking to you anyway.
Wilhelmina: I dunno how that is physically possible, but good luck anyway.
(Greg leaves her to stumble around, she collapses in a drunken fit of laughter after 5 minutes, as she does Danny creeps out of an alley and steals food and money from her she doesn't notice him. As Danny eats the scarps of food, he remembers what he overhead…)
Danny (thinking): So that Greg kid, wants to kill Frank Tibet once and for all? Well he ain't alone, but still…
(Meanwhile in Mortdale High street)
Lucy: I'm sorry, I hope I wasn't too long.
Imogen: Oh no, you weren't long at all.
George: Who was the cashier you were speaking too anyway?
Lucy: She was my older sister's, cousin's, old friend, from primary schooler's, mother's sister's, second daughter's, cousin's, friend',s from pre-school's, brother's sister's, nan's, fifth grandchild.
Imogen: Right, but what could have you been possibly talking about, to keep us waiting for 3 hours!
Lucy: Just catching up on old times, you know?
Thomas: Just to ask this logically, how many people do you know!?
Lucy: Oh only a few... oh look there's Carlson (points at man down street) and there's Ursula (points at a fat stranger) and there's Yvonne (points at another random women) oh look it's Bert (points at a buff guy) and there's…
Jack: Let's just move on and get this shopping done before Christmas eve.
George: Right then, Lucy you and me will go get the rest of the stuff from Marks and Spencer's.
Lucy: Sure thing.
Imogen: Just try not to bump into strangers George or you'll be late.
George: Okay then, Imogen go with Thomas, Asda should have some good stuff right?
Thomas: Were on it.
George: Jack and Florence…
Florence: We off to Band Q's I'm getting those Christmas lights.
Jack: Just don't go too far… oh who I am kidding.
Florence: Jack Henshell, a stab wound is not going to stop me from doing this, so your warnings are obviously not going to stop me at all.
Jack (sighing): Well let's get this over with then.
George: And Jaya…
Jaya: I will collect what is necessary alone.
George: Right, let's do this.
(The groups set off)
George: Keep focused Lucy, remember no talking to strangers.
Lucy: I'm not dumb George, I know what I'm doing.
George: Yeah well, so do I (walks into store) now what do you reckon Thomas would want?
Lucy: Err... George.
George: Well I think a nice jumper will do, he likes that nerdy style Thomas doesn't he?
Lucy: George he would, but…
George (to shopping assistant): Can I have a woolly jumper y'aknow like size…
Lucy: (Hissing): George!
Lucy: They won't sell jumpers here!
George: And why not!
Assistant: Erm... young man, I see you and your girlfriend here have a high sex-drive, but I must voice my concerns, that you're a bit young for this.
George: I'm 16 actually, oldest in my year… and she's not…
Lucy (blushing and embarrassed): Were not boyfriend and Girlfriend, we just friends… and we'll just be…
George: Were not leaving.
Lucy: GEORGE, WERE IN EFFIN ANNE SUMMERS!
(The truth dawns on him, George looks around, stocked on the shelves are sex toys)
Lucy: Yes oh, you half soaked idiot! And you tell me you don't know what I'm doing? When you're the one that stumbles blindly into Anne summers?
George: Let's just get out of here, before...
(Too late, Chantelle, Charmaine and Chelsea with Helpless TA in tow round a corner Chantelle spots George and Lucy, everyone knows what will happen next)
Chantelle: Words have failed me.
Helpless TA: Well that's a first.
George: Chantelle! Please! It's not what it looks like!
Chantelle: Oh, it's exactly what it looks like, buying Dildo's for me, hey? Well it's okay Bab (gestures a box she's holding) I've got loads in here for me and you.
George: Chantelle no it's…
Chelsea: It's okay Chantelle, I get it now, his buying them for Lucy,
Chantelle: You two are shagging at last then?
Lucy: No that's not… (Lowers gaze embarrassed and blushing she mutters quietly) ...what's happening.
Charmaine: Well the fuck with this, let's get this all on camera (pulls phone out and begins to record) George Admin and Lucy Brown, innocents of the year, are currently in Anne Summers buying sex toys, getting a little frisky...
George: NO! LUCY RUN!
(They both do so, as Charmaine chases them recording the whole thing, as they run, Lucy bumps into a random woman)
Lucy: Oh hello Samantha! How are you? I haven't seen you since …
George: NOT NOW LUCY!
(He grabs her hand and drags her out the store, Charmaine still follows them, until finally after sprinting and diving behind some bin bags, she loses the pair of them)
Charmaine: Shite, they got away.
(Turns off phone and walks away)
Lucy (breathing a sigh of relief): Well we got away.
George: Yeah, but Charmaine still got footage of us, were gonna get humiliated all over Facebook and there's twitter and…
Lucy: Relax and look up, its Christmas time! Let's just finish off getting our presents, from M and S…
George (smiling): Alright then. Sorry for all that by the way, I freaked out and I can be a real gorm sometimes.
Lucy: Well that's just such a typical thing to happen to us, it's like, we get embarrassed but it's so us, you know?
George: So us…?
Lucy: (embarrassed): Yeah … ermm… shall we get going then?
George: What? Okay then, let's get out of this dump.
Thomas: I just passed Charmaine on the street corner, she looked happy about something.
Imogen: They've probably emptied the shelves at Anne-Summers.
Thomas: That's bound to be true.
Imogen: So onto Asda Thomas, let's get the Christmas feast up and running.
Thomas: I thought it was nice of Florence, to have us over her's for Christmas.
Imogen: I can't believe my mum said yes to it.
Thomas: Only reason she invited us anyhow, is because she wants as many people as possible to admire her Christmas lights.
Imogen: Does she want to blind us all?
Thomas: Probably, just to prove her light show is better that Miss Danica who she keeps raging about.
Imogen: Ahh, Florence. She can be a right handful, I don't know how Jack copes.
Thomas: He doesn't, what their nearly only break-up 700 now.
Imogen: Yeah well, I lost count a long time ago… still mince pies (holds a packet up)
Thomas: What? Oh yes, of course, you can't have a Christmas feast without Mince pies.
Imogen: Or a turkey (picks one up)
Thomas: Coping with that?
Imogen: Yeah… are you coping?
Thomas: What do you mean?
Imogen: As harshly as Aaron put it, you are the last nerd standing.
Thomas: Well Sarah is out there somewhere.
Imogen: She could be dead though, I don't want to a pessimistic bitch here,but Gingers facing hordes of thugs and the general attitude to gingers? Well she'll be lucky to be alive.
Thomas: She will be, she's a fighter but still, Asif… Sanjay… Rhys… Mohammed… Ahmed… Sanjeet… all gone. I vowed to protect them and I failed.
Imogen: Don’t beat yourself up over it, we don't need any more Greg’s around here.
Thomas: Anymore Greg's?
Imogen: It’s obvious something huge is bothering him, still it's damn right stupid of him to try and drown out his troubles.
Thomas: Maybe the pressure of it got to him, you know anti-chav leader, the symbol of hope or maybe his really homesick. I mean I had the bunker, but me and the nerds still got attacked by chavs on several occasions.
Imogen: I had inside my mom's house and I too, still got attacked by her, or if a stray chav came in looking for sex, man I gave them such a beating, sometimes I deliberately let them in, just so I could sharpen up my skills on survival. Because I knew one day mother would send me out there to die.
Thomas: So that's how you survived the first day. I always wondered that. but maybe your mum locked you in your house to protect you from the chavs?
Imogen: Then why let me out? She said herself she liked to imprison me and having her live in the same house than you, is easy enough to pick up on fighting skills, to floor any chav or any general idiot, looking for a fight.
Thomas: Well maybe that's it! She wanted to train you up and then release you too make sure you were safe!
Imogen: Yeah, well dad wasn't too pleased, but his arguments are as always drowned out.
Thomas: I never see you dad.
Imogen: Timid thing he is, although he works as a doctor.
Thomas: How did he and your mum get married?
Imogen: Never asked, although I imagine she probably just bumped into him on the street and demanded they marry now, or else there would be consequences and she'd threaten him with her axe, they got hitched and then I came along.
Thomas: Nice life story, as for mine, two ordinary parents, had me, an only child. Life was well, we were a nice family, unfortunately, we were somehow in the complete wrong town for normality.
Imogen: In a town that encourages Mortality.
Thomas: I know, it's in the town's name and history.
Imogen: Okay then, we'll carry on this chat in a sec, for now, we have what we need, let's go find the others, hopefully Lucy hasn't bumped into a stranger…
Jack: Okay Florence I've got the lights!
(He is struggling under the weight of an enormous 10 foot wide cardboard box containing the lights)
Florence: Oh my handsome prince, not enough.
Jack: Not enough! This is 10 times the amount we had last year!
Florence: Jack… oh hang on look, its Miss Danica.
(A 40-ish year old women rounds the corner)
Woman: (in fake cheesy voice): Florence!
Florence (with poisonous smile): Miss Danica my dear neighbour!
Miss Danica: Oh you look gorgeous Florence and isn't your boyfriend, a handsome one hey? You're so cute together!
Jack: Oh ermm thanks…
Florence: So what are you doing here, Miss Danica?
Miss Danica: Oh just buying my annual Christmas lights.
Florence: Oh well so I was I actually.
(gestures at huge box Jack is holding)
Miss Danica: My… my… Florence what a lot of lights you have there.
Florence: Yes quite a lot of lights I'm having this year, a lot more than last year…
(Just then another women rounds the corner she is in her early 60's in a skimpy top and shorts and greatly resembles the late Miss Ougar)
Woman: OOOOHH JACKIE BOY!
Jack (in a panic): Oh no, MUM PLEASE NO!
Jack's mum: Hello Jack and hello Florence!
Florence: Zsa Zsa! (barely conceals a snort and thinking to herself) Gets me every time.
Miss Danica: (Interrupting): Are you this Jack’s mother?
Zsa Zsa: Yes I'm Jack's mother.
Miss Danica (fake voice and extending hand): Oh, what a pleasure.
Zsa Zsa: You too (Both thinking “ugh what a hideous old bat”)
Jack: God, could this get any worse?
Florence: Like thy fellow Imogen quotes “now you've said that yes it will”
(And as if by Magic Andrew walks by)
Andrew: Well hello what's going on here…?
(Looks at the people assembled there and pulls out his phone and starts recording)
Andrew: I'm am about to record some of the worst moments known to the Mortdale kind!
Jack: Oh great, televise this why don't you?
Florence: Yes! Make it a reality TV show!
Jack: And call it what!? Loose women 2.
Florence: Not a bad idea actually still (to Miss Danica) we'll be off now, we have our lights.
Miss Danica: Yes well (whistles and an entire shelf in the store covered in lights is lifted by a strong good looking young man) these are my lights for this year's show aided by my gorgeous son of course.
Miss Danica's son: How do you do?
(His physique, looks and physical strength and the sheer size of the amount of lights he is carrying is ten times the scale of what Jack is doing)
Jack: What the hell?
Miss Danica: Well I'll be seeing you later, looks like the crown is mine this year. Once again.
Florence (in desperation): THOU ART BUY THE ENTIRE STORE!
Confused Cashier: Miss, you'll need to pay a hell of a lot…
Jack: Florence don’t be ridiculous just let it drop and…
Florence: YES! LET IT DROP! (She drops her entire Load of life savings onto the desk) I THOU ART BUY THE STORE!
Jack: FLORENCE ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS!? YOU NEED THAT FOR UNI...
Miss Danica: Yeah well… (in desperation): I'M BUYING THE NEXT BIGGEST B AND Q STORE, WHERE IS IT!?
Confused Cashier: Across the road.
Miss Danica: Thank you, all those lights are mine…
Zsa Zsa: Now, now, ladies, I agree with my son, you're both being a little ridiculous over this.
Miss Danica: Yes well, I need to win obviously (gives shrill laugh) I mean I'm even giving a show on my lights, to be awarded not only “best lights” but also sexiest milf in Mortdale…
Zsa Zsa (to cashier): I'M SELLING MY HOUSE TO BUY THE BIGGEST B AND Q STORE IN MORTDALE!
Jack: MUM, WHAT THE FUCK!?
Confused Cashier: Err, Miss I really think you should listen to your son…
Zsa Zsa: Don't be silly he wants this… to win.
Jack: TOO BECOME HOMELESS JUST TO WIN SOME STUPID FUCKING COMPETITION YOU'RE THE MOST SELFISH BITCHES I'VE EVER MET!
Confused Cashier: (in quiet voice) There isn't even enough here to buy the biggest B AND Q store in Mortdale…
Jack: IT'S PATHETIC! TRYING TO MAKE US HOMELESS MUM, OVER SOME STUPID COMPETITION THAT COMES ONCE A YEAR! SO WHAT IF MISS DANICA WINS? WE WILL ALL GET OVER IT AND…
Miss Danica's Son: Did I mention that they hand out “The sexiest male in Mortdale” award at this light show? with the lights me and mum have, were bound to win because we'll have the most attention.
Jack (in calm voice): Here's the whole of my life savings (dumps it on the desk) added to Florence’s and my mother's house money, to pay for the biggest B AND Q store in Mortdale.
Confused Cashier: Well this is enough now.
Florence, Jack and Zsa Zsa: YES! FLAWLESS VICTORY!
Andrew: Flawless Victory my arse, you just lost your house Jack? Does the word hypocrite ring a bell with you?
Jack: Don't know what you're talking about, come on ladies let's go.
(The three of them set off)
Miss Danica (fuming shooting daggers at the retreating trio): It is so on…