Tis The Season To Be JollyMature

Act 4

(The next day, the 19th December, the funerals for the dead) 

Choir:  (singing) Six days till Christmas and my true love said to me...

Random Slag in the Crowd: SHUT THE FUCK UP! 

Random Slag in the Choir: NO! WE CAN SING IF WE WANNA! 

(A little later)

Priest: After that viscous and lethal assault, it sickens me to how people can kill so cruelly, with little to no remorse, anyhow we shall pray now, for the dead…  

Thomas:  The most hypocritically inspired speech, I've ever had to sit through.

Lucy: Agreed.

Priest: So now we will mourn Michael. who showed up and grunted, and died.

Imogen: What a lovely editorial.

Chantelle: Worthless Background character anyhow.


Chantelle: So? All he did was turn up and die.

George: He just spent a lot of time inside, because he was on the… 

Richard: X-BOXES! 

Daz: Yeah we get it, fucking hell that kid is weird.

Taz: I know right.

 Andrew: You bitching about someone? (Before they can answer) Can I join in? 

Daz: Were bitching about your brother.

Andrew: So? 

Daz: Ermm aren't you supposed to be angry or something? 

Andrew: No, because Richard is such a weirdo, you should see what he does at home… 

Priest: And we will mourn Asif.

Thomas: Oh Asif, Asif is dead! 

Lucy: (Sobbing): It's so upsetting!

George (comforting her): I remember when we first used his pink car to save the day… now his gone… and so is my brother… it's awful.

Greg: (snarling): And we'll get them back, Kyle, Leanne, and Frank. Oooh I'll be glad to watch them burn and rot like metal...

(Others slowly begin to back away from him) 

Priest: And we mourn John.

Ryan: Who was… 

Mrs Conrad: I dare you… 

Ryan: Nice… 

Aaron: Good hearted… 

Gordon (bursting out): HE WAS FAKE AND GAY! 

Mrs Conrad: Right's that’s it!

(Chases Gordon around the church with an axe) 


Chelsea: Even I know you're lying about being high.

Helpless TA: Well-Done-Chelsea! Now breathe! 

Chelsea: Doesn't work like that, miss.

Helpless TA: How do you work at all? 

Chelsea: I dunno. Just do.

Helpless TA: Well then, how do you speak and learn new words like I dunno… dunno?

Chelsea: Dunno.

Aaron: Gordon, if Chelsea can point it out, we all know you're bullshitting us now.

Mrs Conrad: Actually, forget chasing you I want to see you publicly humiliated.

(She stops, Gordon is left to face the crowd) 

Ryan: So you're a fucking liar, hey Gordon?

Gordon (panicking): Nah blad… this drug… it's called… gfrynmjuhskfuhdmnkghfunmfhbvnmfvhmuirjeuyhtjrfyudhjf and I can get you some, if ya want!

Ryan: Alright give me some now.

Gordon: Ermm it's at home…  

Imogen: With Sammy Centaur and Tubbles the orange dinosaur.

Gordon: (ignoring her): And I'll give ya some tomorrow.

Ryan: Better, or else… 

Chantelle: We'll do things to ya.

Aaron: Hell yeah we will.

Chantelle: So ya better get us some, right Charmaine?

Charmaine: What? 

Chantelle: Were gonna “get” Gordon, if his lying aren't we? 

Charmaine: What the fuck you on about? 

Chantelle: God you're getting as helpless as him.

Charmaine; Soz Bab, this funeral boring me to tears.

Mrs Conrad: Oh such a thoughtful girl.

Thomas: Then again miss you also… 

Mrs Conrad: Shut up.

Thomas: (terrified): Yes miss.

Chantelle:  So you want to go to that party then? 

Charmaine: Alright then.      

(All the chavs leave the church, expect for Chelsea who has forgotten to walk) 

Priest: Well that concludes another session.

Chelsea: In Act 4 and not Act 10, surprising hey? 

Helpless TA: Yes Chelsea.

Daz: Well come on Greg, let's go.

Greg: Yeah let's go, what's the point Daniel? We'll just be back in here soon and more of us will be dead, what’s the fucking point? 

Imogen: What’s gotten into you? 

Greg: Ah, just go away! Go away you whore! Go back to being ignored, you were best then!

Imogen: Greg, it's been tough on us all, don't be such an asshole.

Greg: Me an asshole so he (points to Daz) can be an asshole. Frank can be a mass murderer yet the second, I say one thing, I get criticised and they don't!?

George: Greg what the fuck? They do get criticised actually and now you get one bit of criticism and your fucking overeactting, stop being such an idiot the world, doesn't revolve around you!

Chelsea: Well technically, the script does.

(She is ignored) 

Greg: George get the fuck outta my face before I disfigure yours.

George: Are you threatening me? 

Greg: Yeah, I guess I am.

George: Dude, I just lost my brother! 

Greg: Who actually gives a shit? 

George: You… BASTARD! 

(He and Greg begin to fight) 


(The chavs run back into the church) 

Chantelle: Wouldn't this miss shit for the world.

Aaron: True dat.

(Florence bursts in, still in her hospital gown and having Jack support her) 

Jack: What's going on? Florence heard the word fight and insisted I carry her here… and well here we are. 

Wilhelmina (appearing out of nowhere):  How the fuck did you hear that from over there, it makes no sense what's-so-ever… 

Mrs Conrad: Shut up and enjoy the fight, or else leave.

(Wilhelmina shuts up)

Thomas (responding to Jack): There's a fight between Greg and George.


Suzanne: Oh my God! Get all this on camera, record it!

(Her poor new cameraman, does so) 

Imogen: That's enough! 

(Separates the pair of them, but Greg's fist connects with Imogen's face in the confusion)

Lucy: Greg, what is it with you and hitting Imogen in the face!? 

Greg: Oh shut the fuck up you naïve bitch, come back when you have something good to say.

(Lucy is stung)

Thomas: You… 

Greg: You shut up you babbling idiot, go back to bunker and hide like you always do.

(Thomas is stung) 

Mrs Conrad: Apologise to everyone, especially my daughter.

Jaya: So you do care about Imogen.

Mrs Conrad: Silence! You imbecilic fool!

Greg: Oh I'm so sorry Imogen *Note the sarcasm* 

Mrs Conrad: Apologise properly, or die, you hate fuelled excuse of a human being! 

Greg: Why would I want to apologise, to the daughter of a big nosed strict bitch, who… 

(Daz pauses him and drags him to the side) 

Daz: (in serious tone) Greg, if you need help… you just need to say.

Greg: What are you on about…? 

Daz: I know ya may be upset by your friend's dying, but suicide, is not the answer! 

Greg: I ain't planning on committing suicide, that’s the truth! Mrs Conrad is a big nosed bitch!

Mrs Conrad: What did you say?

Daz: Nothing, he day mean it, he… 

Greg: No, I meant every word.

Mrs Conrad: Right prepare to die.

Daz: WAIT NO! He, erm… 

Taz: (improvising madly) ...is high! Off that drug… y'aknow...

Gordon… gfrynmjuhskfuhdmnkghfunmfhbvnmfvhmuirjeuyhtjrfyudhjf! 

Daz: YUP! That's the one! 

Ryan: It actually exists?  

Greg: All of y'all deserve… 


(Surprised silence) 

Daz: Ermm yeah, whatever (dragging Greg out of church) he'll be better in time for Christmas, so goodnight all! 

(He, Taz and Greg leave the church) 

Chelsea: It's nine o' clock in the morning actually, not night-time.

Helpless TA (Struck by sudden idea): Hey Mrs Conrad! I think you're a big nosed bitch too! 

Mrs Conrad: That pathetic idea from your miniscule cranium, is an aboustle failure. I will not kill you so your soul can be released from Chelsea, your stuck with her, end off. 


Mrs Conrad: No.

(Helpless TA dissolves into weak sobs) 

Chelsea: Doe worry miss, I'm not that bad.

(Helpless TA cries louder) 

Mrs Conrad: Music to my ears, well time is passing, let's go brat.

Imogen: Sure thing mother, (to the others) I'll see you guys tomorrow then.

George: Yeah, we'll do a bit of Christmas shopping.

Lucy: Sounds like a good way to get our mind of things.

Thomas: I hope Greg gets better.

George: He better, apologise.

Imogen: Ironic his acting like this, at this time of the year… (Sings) Tis the season to be jolly...

(They all leave the church, no one bothers to tell Imogen to stop signing, as she is an awful singer) 

The End

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